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Be still my quiet heart, nobody wants you.
The days are dark and lifeless. The people at work smoke a lot and I choose to smoke with them, just because the best rumours you can hear in the smoking area. And the worse, too. I carry the stigma of a good worker and yet the boss refuses to tell me if I have a job next year or not. The years will only get worse. Once I used to think that the best years of my life are still ahead, now I know it is not true. Does it matter?
Basta! I locked myself in for a day. Holding the cup of coffee by its ear, a bit too hard probably, breathing lazily the aroma of it. I am unable to move, even if I wanted to. I am unable to think, even if I wanted to. What´s the point? That I want nothing. I have no desires in me, I lack the passions completely. I have a big zero inside me. Cold-heartedly I choose to lock everything inside the empty form of it. There´s no one around who could handle my passion, not even me. How sad is that?
Back at home. The place is empty and cold. (I lack the fucking feng shui.) It makes me so tired I feel like I could stop breathing, just like that, right now, in this sudden pang of a moment. I lack the power to live, everything a person is made of. I lack the words that could make me feel at least comfortable. The story of my life is here, in this very room, making me sick. The only thing I am able to write down at the end of the day are these small words: the darkness has hands.
Body of evidence.
It is snowing slowly, like a slow motion picture. I watch the flakes sleepily, in a state of hypnosis, ignoring the cold reality. I get surprised when I notice that the snow melts on me: Hey, I have some warmness left in me after all. Cool! The tram arrives, spits the people out and sucks me in. I stare darkness through my reflection. And you know what, I see you in places where you are not, and when you are there I pretend that I don´t see you. I don´t really make sense and I´m proud of it.
Buddhism has this concept of ten worlds, like different life-stages we are going through in this emotional roller-coaster called life. (Oops, I almost wrote lie.) (What a coincidence.) (Haha.) (I am killing myself.) Okay. The big ten goes like this: 1. Hell. 2. Hunger. 3. Animality. 4. Anger. 5. Tranquillity. 6. Rapture. 7. Learning. 8. Realization. 9. Bodhisattva. 10. Buddhahood. This will be heavy stuff. I will probably ruin this magazine completely in my sweating palms.. I will dream strange dreams tonight. I lack the number five. But I do know more about the number one than I want to.
Bored. I meet interesting people so rarely that I get tears in my eyes when it occationally happens. I am too emotional. Must be some sort of a horror hormones in my veins. Uh-huh. There are only few wise people at work and I thank God - Buddha, whatever - for them. They smoke, so I smoke with them. Does it really matter what kills me in the end? No. Life is a bitch and then you die. I think about God, the Reaper and the Bitches a way too much these days. I wish I could stop. Blaah. Blaah.
Blaah. I´m not in the mood. I got nothing to say. I am a bit worried about my health. I have another season of those weird symptoms that I occationally have. I kind of forget things, I drop things and I have minor difficulties with my balance (I hope it is my neck, the chiropractic called it “funny”, ha!). I have those stupid shivers all over my body, like I was in a shower with my clothes on. They worry me, they worry me a lot everytime they happen. It just feels like there is something wrong with me.
Beautiful white landscape, the whole city. I am able to enjoy it briefly while crawling back home through the dark evening. I´ll read miscellaneous stuff I have gathered about
Buddhism before going to bed. I guess I´m seeking for some emotional security from it, or maybe it´s just the escape from reality what I´m after. I don´t really trust myself. Not with this, not with anything I do. And the thought of Monday makes me sick: I will hear what the situation is with my job. I don´t think I really care but I feel sick anyway.
Bygones be bygones. I cannot remember a thing that has made me happy before. There´s nothing there, hello? Anyone? Nothing but the blurry, empty, visionless room in the back of my mind. Things, big and small, people, memories, some spoken words, pieces of art, days, implications, full pages with all the bloody explanations - – have lost their meanings. I have always liked simple things but now simple is turning against me, dancing with me like a curse. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? To become a nun, or what? I´d rather be shooting bunnies, man.
Bubble bath hardly relaxed me. I am like a string of violin. I just realized my laptop is dying. Some of the keys barely work. Since I am going to get rid of TV I really do need the computer to keep connected to the world. Fuck!!!!! I start to sound like a seal with all the f-words. I hate the fucking father´s day. I have never celebrated one and I never will. (Rest in peace, poor bastard. Was I the only thing you managed to do in your pathetic life? Thanks a lot. I am enjoying myself enormously.) Hah!!
Beelzebub. We all have a little Beelzebub inside us. I saw mine today when they didn´t tell me the news about the bloody job at noon like they promised. After making some noisy, bitter, frustrated, pissed off arguments I just left, marched out of the building and headed home. How stupid can you get, when you wish for the best and expect for the worse... I am a good worker but I just have to expect the worse – just to protect me from the possible disappointment. Does that make any sense? Oh, I hate patience. It´s such a nuisance.
Bravo. The big broblem numer two solved: I continue in this bloody job for the next year, too. I laugh and clap together my internal tiny little hairy hands when I think about the asshole who does not like the idea of me staying here. Hah! He´s been a Nazi towards my colleague and I will never forgive him, never. I will make his life living hell if he doesn´t stay away from me. I´m sorry to break this to you like this but if you´re an asshole don´t try to mess with me. You´ll be sorry later. I swear.
Beads. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. I am desperate.
Busy evening at work. Where the hell did all these people come from? The weather is awful out there and they all come to the library? We have a terrible mess because of re-organazing and there´s nothing you can find around here just like that. I have lost all my nails because of the contact film that I rip of from the shelves. Oh, I have to get out of here before I collapse. Thank you for not stealing that magazine from us! I appreciate it a lot. Ouch, my fingers are killing me, can I go home now? NOW.
Bumper-to-bumper these days go by. I am so strange, even to myself, like I didn´t even care what happens. Of course I care, I care a lot but I don´t know how to express that feeling. It´s in there, locked up but eating its way out of my poor heart. I need my privacy, my own personal oblivion, to get rid of this cancer. I suffer from this unexpression, it makes me a ticking, tocking time bomb and I fear who is the one who stands next to me when it blows up. Who´s the lucky guy? Take a guess.
Bacchanal is over, my anxious one.
I don´t know how to unlock your door. Your house of heart is the biggest secret in the universe. If you don´t move backwards away from me, it´ s me who freezes in the middle of the movement. We dance the weirdest dance and we both know it. We are lost in the mist of mystery and we´re so aware of it, with all the cells of our bodies and minds. Oh, God we´re good. Thanks for sharing the taxi. Always a pleasure. You amaze me by everything you do. In good and bad.
I have a burning flame of hope inside me considering some flats I saw today. I am tired because of the last night, lack the rest, trying not to lack the hope. Waiting for the future to show its face, finally, even to smile at me. Am I expecting too much, am I? I ask you here, now. I try not to fade before the day is done, wait, sleep, wait and the future will kiss you on the mouth, suddenly, like the female colleague of mine last night. And we are supposed to be a boring nation? No. Nope.
Big news. I got the place I wanted. I´ll move into the heart of the city. (If it was up to me I would move to a certain other heart too..) (He lives in the neighbourhood. That´s close enough.) Haaaaaaaah. I have been flying above the ground since I got the call. -- I saw one flat today that could have been located in St. Petersburg. Nothing personal St. P but it was quite a place, if you know what I mean. -- The worries left me, I am relieved. All the colleagues rejoice with me. My heart sings silently.
Blush at first sight. I didn´t realise you´re actually shy. I thought I just make you nervous, very nervous. I make all the men nervous. If I only knew why. Well, the fifty something men do not count. Absolutely nothing makes them nervous. They are too self-assured... and they usually think they know everything. -- Little do they know. -- I think about you. I don´t know what to do with you. You´re so sensitive, moody; you move like a cat, you act like a cat. You vanish if I move. Wait. For the right moment. If there is one.
Blues in the air in the form of wet snow. How I hate these latitudes!! Everything else is perfect in this stupid country but wheather could be better, much better. The day was long, without any food, since I just didn´t have time for it. I signed under the contract for the new flat. Mr. and Mrs. Landlord acted like I was going to destroy their property and forced me to take insurance because of it, Heaven´s sake! First time they rent a place and it shows. They were funny actually. The whole process took two long hours. God dammit!
Blank eyes of the day followed my moves, hardly lashing me with its lazy eyelashes, like keeping me company, unwillingly, like full moon, as it pierces me with its light, awakening the crave for future so painful that I have to lay my eyes down to the ground, to pick up the little sparkles of light from the snow and then I just walk slowly towards the place I live in, alone, inside I crave for the things that are outside, I am not sad, I am full, like the moon, like the moon, oh, you make my night.
Born to be mild day. It´s just the calmness before the storm, I know, things are going to change here. And I sense that in a good way. I might be able to be a part of something really good, exciting, a wonderful thing for all of us. I have a good feeling, under my melancholic skin, yes, never let me fool you. I go down, to the bottom of the deep waters so often that it might be annoying, but I still need it, since only there I can experience the feelings strong enough to hold me, hold me.
Bloody hell I have a headache of the century. It came with the relief that I was finally able to talk about the situation concerning an asshole or two at work. And I felt like someone was actually listening to what I say. I can only trust now that things are going to get better, for all of us. One of us have been wronged, I am partly fighting someone else´s fight but I am not able to forgive mental violence against my colleague if I see any. I know what is wrong and I know what is right. Unfortunately...
Boohoo, you haven´t left my mind. I wonder when I see you again and which one of us is the brave one when it happens. I must believe that one of us is able to be brave. Otherwise the whole thing will be doomed. Among the few intriguing men in the world you are the number one at the moment. What else can I say? Your place or mine? Hello, handsome? Did it hurt a lot when you fell from heaven? Can I kiss you? - I have too much time in my hands, too much you in my head.
Barricades on the boulevards of broken dreams and hearts are meant to be broken. I have a strong urge to crash few of them in the near future, it feels good, strange. I am almost ashamed because of it. I swore to myself a long time ago that I will spend the rest of my life with myself. I laughed to the magical lady who kept telling me that there is always one for us in store, somewhere. Sooner or later. I laughed out loud, maybe cried inside. Now I am only horrified if my instincs are wrong - right.
Boccaccia di cielo.
Feelings slide inside me like stormy waters, they disturb my balance, even when I sit down and stare the endless dark rain falling down from the sky and I am silent, content, waiting patiently for something unseen, untouchable, unheard of. Earlier I didn´t know that I was waiting but now I know for sure and makes me just soundless, silent watcher in the rain trying to avoid breathing because is disturbs my thinking. I love the dewy cheeks of sky, they give me comfort while I sit here and wait and stare out of the blurry window.
Behold the dreams! I dreamed about the singer Björk last night. She smiled to me in the middle of the yellow oatfield and seemed to recognise me immediately. I think she wanted me to go to London with her for the next 23 weeks. (What???!) I was quite puzzled in the morning, if I may say so, still the impressive picture of the big orange sun on the horizon in my sleepy eyes. Yeah, the only sun you see is in your weird dreams, since the days are short and they just nag at you, turn your dreams into aliens.
Bright lights, big city?
Moving here happened pretty fast. Not a one man slowing us down, scratching his head (or balls) and smoking and drinking beer and wondering ”where should we start, huh??”, scratch, scratch. My stuff was in the van in 15 minutes and after a half an hour they were thrown into the new place already. WOW! A new record. I have never done that before. So, by ten a clock I hardly remembered that I had moved. I was watching TV with a remote control and waiting anxiously for the sandman to come. Simple. So very simple.
Breaking new grounds. The view of the home street struck me in the morning with happiness. This is where the life is, the heat of the city. I choose to be alone in the crowd. I want to have the possibility to choose if I want the company or not. Generally, I am a lone wolf, but I want to feel the life around me. That´s all I need. (Until proven otherwise, of course.) I bought something for the new place, home, whatever, and came back inside from the cold, freezing wind. It´s at least 10 Celsius degrees. No work.
Building up my hopes to several different directions. Thinking about my life. Trying not to consider myself too pathetic. Enjoying silence and the lack of customers fuzzing around and asking stupid or wise questions. (They sure know how to do that.) Finally I had a chance to stay away from work for three days, I do some lazy soulsearching and try to listen to my body, to find out what it needs, I have neglected it for a while now. I stare the candle´s light for hours. I read Stephen King. Nice change after so many books of Koontz. Bye.
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