What perfect timing. All the pressure that a new year brings with it. Pressure to plan, pressure to analyse (and overanalyse), pressure to point out the troughs, to find buzz words. I feel that this year will be different. Really, I am learning and I know I have the formula now. Well, part of the formula. Isn't that what we are all looking for? A way to get it right - the dos and don'ts that work for you. If people only came with manuals like appliances do... mine would read: frequent at your won risk. Volatile and potentially explosive content.

The second day of the years feels like just another day. Maybe I am on the right track; after all, the sections in a person's life should come naturally. I will not have mine dictated. I am not the secretary in my own life! I do have a new buzz word: NOW. An attempt at taking control of my life. Too many thoughts today, chaos, mental noise. A state of unrest as I am learning. So I have identified the state I am in and can do something about it. NOW. Stop. Fall still. Still. Only the present moment exists.

Back to work today and the stench of pain still here to greet me. I have to learn to detach because I am exhausted from carrying around with me all day and everyday. I used to blame it on the fact that I am over sensitive but it turns out I am just a fool. No wonder I am exhausted all the time. It's not easy to practice forgetting that the past and future exist. Only the present moment. I managed to do that for just a day and I feel better for it. Another task and another step forward.

I met someone who wanted my number and I gave it. I wouldn't have a few weeks ago for I tend to find the fact that I have been judged solely by appearance and the exchange of formal words, offensive. But I realise I judge people too. We are not our bodies! They were distributed to us at random. Can we judge a person on something they have very little or no say over? It is hard to control that instinct but think of a person driving a car. The car is our body and the driver the true self.

Don't talk to me about feeling empty. Maybe we were meant to live with the humming sound.. the echo of it, in the background.... Maybe it is a choice. There is something inspiring about feeling empty...in a morbid sort of way. I don't think anyone feels as inspired by happiness as they do by the opposite. It is apparent that happiness is there. It is the basis of everything and anything. We just have to make it visible. I don't get it. I can't see it. Where? Yes, I am having a bad day. One step forwards and four back.

I am more confused. I thought I was going somewhere "Everything will teach us something-. A rock, a chair or even a cup. I have been thinking about it all day. And then I see it. You really can learn from just watching things. Even from the way they are made. From what they don't simulate. From how they relate to the rest. There really is too much to learn. I feel like I've wasted my entire existence on analysing the past and making plans for the future. What a waste of energy. The answers are right here, right now.

Procrastination will kill me someday. I can't take myself seriously anymore. The sad thing remains the fact that I am capable of lying to myself so well. And even as I sit here and write all of this, at the back of my mind I am planning to pull myself out of this rut. I know I won't. Maybe if I did things for my sake rather than for the sake of what other people will say I could learn to respect myself again. But I don't anymore. And I'm starting to reap the fruits.... Tamas and I are synonymous.

Suffering is inevitable. I have no regrets for I had tried my best at the time. Maybe I should elude myself for a while and remember that ‘life goes not backwards but forwards' and that a chapter in a person's life closes for a reason. I can't think of one good reason today. So I build a bridge to the past with my thoughts and I let myself wallow in memories of familiarity. My mind drives in full force and before I know it most of today is over and lost for I was reliving yesterday. What a wasted day.

I can only stare at the closing door as you leave. You are walking down the corridor, and out onto the street and I am here, alone. One of us is in the wrong place. Why did you come here? Boredom? Loneliness? Entertainment? I've got it! Your ego needed a refill! And well you got it. Maybe next time you come round I'll have the strength to say no. Maybe I won't take your call. Maybe I'll even give someone else a chance. Maybe I'll speak to you as a friend would. Maybe I'll even get over you someday. Maybe.

They say that every end is a beginning, but we don't know it at the time. Maybe I need to be more open to seeing things. I feel like I live in a play within a play. I feel chained but cannot point out what it is that holds me down. Even the finest metal - gold, can be moulded into a chain. Even the darkest of cells can be brightened up and decorated to feel comfortable. Astonishingly I realise that the door to my cell is not even shut let alone locked. I seek freedom but am petrified of it.

One thing at a time. It makes sense but it's not easy. Yes, who said it would be easy.? I stayed home from work feeling ill. Got up to make a hot drink and switched the radio on. Then I switched the radio off for as much as is physically possible I had to do only one thing at a time. So I sipped my drink in silence. One sip at a time. I can still remember what it tasted like and for the first time in years, I finished the whole mug. Maybe this is worth a proper try.

"the ordinary life is not for me" .... I used to find solace in such a quote but today, if only for today, I am tired of complications. Why can't I lead a simple life? Day in day out... nothing makes sense but it all keeps getting more and more complex. Surreal really. I feel like a magnet. I attract situations that are uncommon and people who irk me. This can't be a disastrous dress rehearsal. This is the real thing but nothing seems real. Nobody I meet seems real. I touch my face to make sure I am awake.

The best part of my day today was the cappuccino I bought on my way to class. I held the cup with both hands like I would the face of someone I love. I didn't need to smell it for its' smell found me and I sat there pleading with life to give me a break. The moment felt endless and I felt small but safe in my badly fitting coat and old fashioned shoes. How could I have let myself get so entangled, so lost? I am in pain but I am not this pain. Not this. Not this.

I slept till two this afternoon. I had nothing to get up for. Well only a backlog of work and an important exam to study for. Nothing really. My bed feels safe and the sheets are clean and only smell of me now. Nobody else. I feel like I'm mourning the death of somebody when nobody has died except maybe a small part of myself. ‘Why is the measure of love, loss?' My flat feels empty; my mouth dry and liver overworked. I feel older today. The shower is running now. If only it could wash the memories away.

If truth made noise than we could note its' absence. It is the evening after a party and my body is not happy but my mind rests. I am too tired to think. Much too much of everything and too little of that which matters. It was a very cold night but I could feel the warmth in some people. It is hidden but it you look for it you actually start to feel it. Maybe I'm coming back. After all the door is open, remember. Maybe I scared of the effort it would take... maybe I'm scared of myself

Problem: People treat each other like tools which they may and do need and use. Players in an invisible, ferocious game, like pins on a lane just standing there waiting to be hit. It is only when a person stops to look at another's entirety that empathy and consideration are born. We've all felt used and we all use. This week I learnt that one ought to greet a person as though for the first time. Even if there is a history, a present or hope for a future with them. It is most difficult with people who you dislike.

Pretend you're in a play. Ground yourself. Take backstage breaks. Listen to the sound of your voice, watch your hands work. Detach: nothing throws you off balance. You are not your mind; it is just a tool. You can, it is said, learn to control it perfectly, for it is just the tip of the iceberg. You are not your body. It is your tool. You need to take enough care of it so that is can serve you. You are not your heart. It is your tool. I need to remember this at least once a day. At least.

Words everywhere. I long for silence. So much for controlling the mind. Mine doesn't stop racing. I need to sleep but there are never enough hours in a day. It's hard to fall still. Very hard. The temperature in this room is painful. Or is it I that have turned cold? They're banning the Burka in Holland. Whatever happened to ‘live and let live' .I wish I could wear that long veil at times. To hide away from people's judgmental glances, shallow stares and heartless grunts. I long to be wallpaper or just a fly on a wall, invisible even.

I saw a man who sat on his deck smoking a pipe. I imagined that small cabin to contain all of his possessions and memories. Anyone who hoards this like I do will understand my amazement at such a feat. I stop to wonder who would have to go through the painstaking task of clearing out the tonnes of junk if something happened to me. It is a weakness to attach to possessions. Detach. I keep objects from fear that I may need them tomorrow - yesterday and tomorrow should not be on my mind. I will clear the junk.

I met an 83 year old who has five times more energy than I do on a good day. How does she do it? I was very impressed and asked her how she did it. She said she needed very little sleep and that the answer was very simple. I don't think about tomorrow she said. I don't wonder about what life has in store. What has to happen will happen and what has already happened doesn't matter. I think about today and what I have to do now. I stared at her feeling like a fool. She is right.

I managed one procrastination-free day. What an achievement. Maybe, a step forward in the right direction. I am exhausted from the battle with myself. The word NOW is ringing in my ears and my head hurts. But it works and it will encourage me to start taking myself seriously again. A balance would be well deserved. I guess if you can see the end of the road, then it's easier to start walking towards it. They say that donkeys will only attempt a hill if the road is winding and they can see the bend. That makes me a donkey?

How does one handle people they deem to be synthetic. I can't do it. I am incapable of comfortable small talk. It irks me. It was a synthetic war zone and I sat there almost feeling like I needed to apologise for being me. I resorted to stroking the cat that slept like a baby. I felt comforted. The food was served and they laughed at some ‘idiot' who had tried to commit suicide but failed. ‘He couldn't even get that right', at this each bite tasted harsher than the previous until I felt like I was eating nails.

I hope the rain never stops. The summer months are long and painful here. There is mould on my windowsill now, just in the cracks caused by the summer sun. Two extremes right there, together. It's only people who can't live with others who look different. Maybe they really do think they have done something to merit having been born themselves rather than the refugee who walks in the rain with sandals on. But I know they haven't. Maybe one day our roles will be reversed and that would only be fair. Doesn't everyone deserve a chance at real life?

Moments of joy are fleeting at the moment. But at leas there are moments. People how only have tainted words and thoughts are usually alone or become lonely. Laugh and the world laughs with you...cry and you cry alone. I am alone in my home and that doesn't bother me. I am even more alone when I am around people. That bothers me. I wonder if people feel alone when they are around me. In their eyes I am happy, funny even. I long to remember that it is really all an act. Everything we do and say - an act.

I'm not sure who it was who said they would rather flicker brightly and go out suddenly than burn slowly to the end of the wick. I guess some people are more prone to one and not the other. Do we really have any say? I guess the only thing we can do is realise what it is we have in front of us and take hold of it. If we don't we will probably mull over how much we could have done and wear our regrets like an ill fitting suit. Weakness doesn't suit anybody but it gets comfortable.

What are human relationships? The need to get to know more of someone. The need to compare, satisfy and to quench. Learning to accept and tolerate. To read between the lines. To put another before oneself. Maybe our equations are all wrong. Two halves that make one whole or one plus one makes two? Two is still one number but the sum of its parts are wholes too and not two halves. Maybe all it takes is some reminding that a person must still know how to stand alone and how to think as a whole person. It is survival.

I guess very often you know something is going to happen. Something inside you tells you and you start shifting on your chair. Then you make the decision to change nothing just to see what happens, to see how right you are. And you are always right. Your instinct is always right. And then all that is left is to reconsider. Everything. Why didn't I listen? I knew it, I knew it. And that is the story really. Building a new frame of mind from scratch and abolishing all emotion this time round. Comfort is alien but no more emotion.

Early morning today and for no reason. I look at the tree out the window. It's still the same. Nothing has changed. My room, my image in the mirror. Just a new day. A blank slate ready to be filled. I'm on a mission to avoid people today, this week, this month. No people unless absolutely necessary. No small talk and politeness. No meaningless rituals and no stolen glances. I make jalapeÃÆ'±o milk; sip it with a straw, sit back to enjoy the burning sensation which should fight the cold away. Everything happens for a reason. Every end, a beginning.

Does everybody obsess with something or is it just me. I can't get something out of my head. I think about it all the time, all, the, time! The more I fight it, the more it stays and grows. I try and pull myself back into the present and concentrate on what I am doing but my mind rushes and goes right back. I am not this mind, I know it is just a tool but I can't, really can't control it yet. It controls me totally. I can do nothing but fall still and wait. I need more strength.

I have run out of thoughts today. Actually, I should rephrase that: I have too many thoughts to put down in words. I am sitting here sipping at some port and looking at a candle that I lit from a yearning for comfort. A man is singing loudly in the distance some two flats away. An old couple can be heard arguing in the street. I have an exam tomorrow but I couldn't even consider doing some work at the moment. I'm just having a moment. I like being alive. I like being me although I bore myself at times.

He repeated that the truth lies only in stillness. When in doubt - stop. Ground yourself. It all sounds good and doable, but in context it is really hard. Even just to identify the traps let alone avoid them. And then, once you've fallen in, well then it's easy isn't it. The traps never stop and yes you do become aware, you learn and you become wiser. But I'm young. I want to get it right, now. Do I have to wait until my body is nearing it's sell by date? Ignorance really is bliss. Why do I look into everything?