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There have been many days that I am only somewhat aware of. I am thankful for the drugs, I know that I would have been too aware for my own good. Things are on the mend now, even through the sudden pools of blood I continue to improve. I can hardly wait until I am back to the way I was before this all started. Who am I kidding? I am never going to be the same, better I think. There is a new perspective emerging here and maybe I will catch a glimpse of what it really is soon.
It is never as easy as it may seem, and that is more frustration than any person needs to experience. But we do, don't we? How is it possible that we as a being on this planet come to accept so many things that are so unthinkable at the beginning? Once we think them and get used to them and live with them they become more acceptable. The longer they are with us, the easier they are on us. In the end it makes us harder on ourselves. So where do we place the blame for things we find unacceptable?
There are no words in the English language that rhyme with orange. Why is that the way of the world, you would think that someone somewhere would be able to find that word. I don't think that person is me though. I have more important things to worry about. What am I going to do for lunch tomorrow? When am I going to see the girls again? Is it going to be the same when I do? Damn, I think I am way past having things be the same. I am certain that is going to be a positive thing.
All these books on my shelves, most I have read, some I have not, each one of them a little piece of life. Providing escapes, enlightenments, horrors, and loves. Shaping and influencing my world. I am going to go back and read them all again. It's like visiting old friends. There's Dickens and Lee, Faulkner, Irving, Carver, Vonnegut, Milton, Hemmingway, Koontz, Patterson, Lawrence, all of them and so many more, weavers of my reality creators of my fantasies. Where would I be if it weren't for the pages that turn quickly and keep me company in the deep dark night?
Roll me off into the sweet slumber land induced by simple fatigue rather than drugs of any kind. Take me down the road of dreams where the wildest perpetuate and the most terrifying are but figments that can not compare to my waking life. My eyes grow weary and my senses numb, my head droops and body fights for oxygen with every yawn. I hope that I can find a comfortable position that will afford me more than a few hours of rest. I am drained and desire more than that. So good night my love, tomorrow comes too quickly.
Time runs short for some things, like, I only have 2 more hours before I can't eat or drink anything except for that not so tasty orange barium crap. But I don't suppose that is such a huge deal. Time runs short for some things I want, like her, because every day she gets closer to him, and farther from me. But then I don't suppose that is not something I have a lot of control over because she wants to be with him and she is happy. It is not in me to interrupt that. Because I love her.
I am tired. I am tired of having to ingest or have injected all of these fluids that do not agree with my body chemistry. I am tired of it taking so long to get back on my feet. I am tired of setbacks. I am tired of having to put my life on hold for so long. I am tired of ignoring my friends. I am tired of not doing all the things I want and need to do. I am tired of being the me that I am. I want to be the me that I should be.
This is the really nasty shit. The sticky gooey new skin that appears under the scabs. Tightening up when it gets exposed to the air. This is the place where the healing starts, with the really nasty shit. I imagine that this is where everything starts. The really nasty shit is always there somewhere deep down, on the surface, right there under my fingers pinching and pulling and peeling and trying to get at the good stuff underneath. I keep trying and it is working a little but for now I just keep getting that nasty shit under my fingernails.
How does taking a few Vicodin feel after you haven't had any for a while? Well, I am feeling better than I have in a few days. Of course, after the itching dies down a bit everything is just fine. Not to mention the fact that I am keeping Dad entertained with my slightly loopy banter. Why are hot wings "fun"? Does anyone thing "Watching Ellie" is funny at all? Why can't the new pain I'm feeling in my back delay it's arrival for a while? Maybe at least until I am strong enough to deal with it without drugs.
Take it out and put it on the table. Man that is pretty big. I'll bet it does the job just fine. It really pales in comparison to all of the other ones I have seen. Are you sure you know how to use that? I am thinking that someone might complain about that but then if you really know what you're doing it might make a difference. Do you think you can show me what to do with it? I think that with some practice I could get the hang of it. Then I could be just like you.
I know that I would have chosen Carol too. The love of your life against a strong feeling for the person you are presently with is no contest. The love of your life always wins out. And there is the rub. I can not identify the love of my life. I have loved a number of women. I can not say for certain if any of them were the one. Of course, it is entirely possible that I have missed her and I don't even know it. What a horrible realization to come to at this point in my life.
Every day begins and ends with the dream. I never know what it is going to hold but I seek the slumber that brings it and shy away from the light that erases it. I crave it not caring what it shows me. I just know that while I am floating in that world I am healing in this one. Erasing the pain that life has brought me while writing my wants and desires. I go there often knowing that none of it is real but taking it in and holding it for as long as I can. Sweet dream.
This is a constant beginning. Every day, every waking, every dreaming, I am confronted with something new. New pains, new weaknesses, new stresses and new strengths. There is nothing that is ever the same. Change, I now understand why people are so unsettled by it. I had never seen what the big deal was until now though I am not sure I can really understand it yet. I just know that it exists and that I have to deal with it. So I hold my hand out and wait for someone to take it and comfort me and assure me.
A PET scan. I am going to have more radioactive shit injected into body. There has to be a point where this all ends. I suppose it is necessary to determine my mortality or immortality as the case may be. Fuck! Now it's a race between my fingers and the Vicodin to see if I can get this out before the sweet wave washes over me and drowns me for the night. Sweep me away to dreams of a better place, I can't bear anymore tonight. It has become too much, I need it to go away for a while.
Random non-repeating patterns float about my head and the itching starts. Where is the warming rush I am waiting for? Ah, I have to wait for about an hour for the full effects to kick, but at least there is a calm that has settled in. Hopefully tonight it will be enough to put me out. I really need the sleep and the relief that can come. Only in my life does this take place, only in my head do I live, only in my world are there all the possibilities. Does anyone want to take my place, I'm done?
What do you cling to when there aren't any more hand holds? Everything! You have to start making things up. The cold steel scraping your teeth and the metallic taste of the barrel on your tongue are no substitute for wanting to wake up the next morning. You realize that everything you do is worth it. That what ever you need to do to get yourself through it is what you have to do, because the only one you owe anything to is yourself. It is not fair to deprive yourself of anything. Don't ever give up, thanks, Jimmy V.
What will it take to convince you that I am right? What can I possibly do to make you see that there are no other alternatives? You are so close to finding the one perfect explanation to everything that you can not see that it is right here in front of you. Please, take my hand and look into my eyes. Listen to what I am sending you, feel it, hold it, take it all in. You will believe it because you already know it to be true. You can not deny your heart. I am the one for you.
I can plainly see that my condition has created a gap between those that can handle it and those that can not. I understand this and I accept it but that does not make it any less painful when I see it. The thing I am afraid of is that it is going to create a permanent hole where those people used to be. That is something that is, quite possibly, going to be as hard to bear as the condition. I have to find a place for that disappointment that does not affect my ability to fight and recover.
This sucks because I love her. I love her and she loves him. Well, she loves me too but not in the way I want her to. This sucks because she is happy and not because of me. I wanted to be the one that brought joy to her and she doesn't need me to. I can concentrate on myself now I suppose but that is not what makes me happy. This sucks because she doesn't need me any more. She figured how to do it for herself better than I could and now we are both on our own.
So, I don't want to talk. At least one person understands that. I assume everyone else does too but I didn't talk to anyone else. I am feeling a little better now that bed time is not too far away. There are fresh, un-shed upon sheets on the bed and the covers are all soft and inviting. Lately I am always looking forward to sleep. I can't wait for night to fall and I despise the alarm in the morning. I'm sure there's a rational explanation for it but I am not interested in looking for the reasons right now.
I have to accept the fact that some people can handle my deal and some people can't. I also have to accept the fact that those people that are not able to handle my deal aren't necessarily the ones that I want or expect them to be. The last few months have been full of lessons that I am just getting around to understanding but now that I am I don't know what to do with these realizations. I have a hard time being angry at human nature and the way people act when they are put in certain situations.
I can feel it coming and I don't like the feel of it. I don't know why, but I think it is not going to be good news. Everything I am feeling says that I have a longer road ahead of me than I had previously thought. There is something almost comforting in having this feeling, like I finally know where I am going. I just wish I knew when I am going and how long it's going to take to get there. I've said it before, I just want to know so I can move on down the road.
I have been so completely in touch with myself and worried about myself that I have shut a lot of other people out. It's my right, my decision. I feel bad if it hurt someone. Just not bad enough to say I'm wrong. Come here and strap on these shoes. Walk the last few miles I have walked. You are here with me now. How is it? Hurts doesn't it? You are scared, don't tell me you're not. Now you are standing beside me. Is that a look of relief on your face? I don't see any guilt in there.
I need to get the hair off on a regular basis. I wonder if it will last. I don't see any reason why it wouldn't. There's just something I like about having it relatively smooth or completely smooth. It feels funky and cool. I especially like the way it feels when it's grown in for a few days. That's awesome, and I think other people like it too. I might even have the dome for it. Maybe the doc can remove these moles and I can take care of it on a regular basis. That would make it even easier.
I need to know that I mean something. I need to know that the last year wasn't something that I imagined. I have to believe that I didn't destroy what we have made. That can't be the truth. I can't accept that fact. If it is true I have only become more adept at my greatest trick. I was hoping that it was something that I had put behind me. If it turns out that way I will be dumped back down the hole and this time I am not sure how I will extract myself. Back to the beginning.
When do I decide that I am broken and can't go any further with this? When do I decide that there has to be another way? I have spent so much time holding on to this imaginary moment that I have always thought of in a certain way. Now I am realizing that is all it is and I am disappointed. My beliefs have all been shown to be wrong and my hopes have been dashed. I am beaten and broken and discouraged. How do I break myself out of this hollow and find a new moment to concentrate on?
What do I throw away from this life and what do I keep? I need to find some type of rule system, something to go by, something to show me the way. Can you be that one? Can you be my true North, the point of my compass? I have to find some way to reconcile my need to find the way again versus the road that I am walking right now. Can you show me what I need to see? Will I find happiness in you? Can you light my path? Why do I hold you in such regard?
Today was a good day, actually, today was a top day. The PET Scan showed nothing. That means that at this point in time, there's no cancer in my body. That is a huge relief to me and many other people. Everyone has been telling me that I need to celebrate but the truth of the matter is that I don't know how I want to celebrate. For the most part, I am not ready to celebrate. I know I don't quite feel up to it, I still have a lot of recovery left. I will when I feel better.
I am extremely interested in getting a whole night's sleep. It has been a really long time since that has happened. I have no idea where to start and I have no idea where to end. I did manage some good sleep last night but it was not exactly what I have been looking for. It will come soon I hope. Two hours at a time on this side, an hour on that side. I can not sleep on my back yet but I am learning to manage on my stomach for short periods of time. It will come soon.
I am on my way, to somewhere. I don't think I have decided where just yet. I know this though, I am not going to get there with all this fucking racket going on outside. I know it is important to the defense of the country and I fully respect the things these brave people do to secure my freedom, but does it have to be after 9 o'clock at night at 500 feet. I do love jet noise and it is the sound of freedom but I do not really like it right now. I wish it would stop.
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