REPORT A PROBLEM
She said, "I'm glad you are back, we've really missed you here." I told her that she was full of shit, that she had not even known I was gone. I know this is true because I have been back for a long time now. Well, maybe she knew I wasn't there but I am sure that she didn't notice my return. So now I can get off that subject and find out if there really needs to be some continuity in the things I write here. I am wondering if anyone can have an orgasm from a foot massage.
Can I get an answer from you at some point? Can you tell me what it is going to take to be where you are? That is where I really want to be. I always want to be where you are. That is where the light and the warmth are. That is where the energy of the universe radiates from. You are the center of all things and the answer to all questions. You are the meaning I have been searching for in the quiet corners of my mind. You are the breathing in and you are the breathing out.
Let us sit in silence and feel the energy of the universe pass through us and into us and over us. Let us worship each other in the dark groping ecstasy of near life experience. Let us know the complete abandonment of ourselves. Let us practice with our bodies entwined, mouths agape, stealing breaths from each other, focusing on the inhale and exhale. Let us chant the dharma of our combining energies. Let us move with the exquisite designs of our beings pushing ever closer to our realizations and our becoming. Let us discover where we are meant to be.
I don't care how it began, as long as it ends with you in my bed, panting, sweating, breathless begging me to stop, and asking for more. I have watched your legs and ass and breasts and neck move at exotic angles. I know where they need to be to bring you to the deepest levels of bliss. I don't care how it began, as long as it ends with you on the floor, writhing, screaming, choking back sobs of rapture, and laughing through cries of delight. I have watched your eyes question my intentions, I have answered your concern.
I am my own seething pile of bile stench vomited from the belly of despair seeking the only true way to expose myself and the pain that lives in the darkest opposites of the light that is the apparent path to truth spoon-fed to us on those half asleep Sunday mornings by the droning voice of brotherhood offered to numbed masses as the answer to questions whispered in vain attempts to gain access to the path which will eventually lead us to the freedom from the pain that is the reality we are convinced is how we must experience life
Swallow. Oh yeah, a little of that goes a long way. That feels like it is really going to do the trick. Yes, that is just what I was looking for. There's the familiar weight pulling me down into the quiet embrace. Engulf me, swaddle me, pull me out of this world for a little while. Now, maybe just a little more when the edge starts to come back, everything is so smooth. Warm silence greets me, no more cares, no more worries, just floating in the darkness. When I emerge, everything will be clean and clear and new again.
The way I felt right then, that was the worst feeling I have had in a really long time. I know you were hurting and I know that I was the cause. I know you say that I shouldn't worry about it, but I do. I hate the fact that it was bound to happen. I hate the fact that it happened at all. I guess I must accept that nothing is perfect and that I can't control everything. Still, I am very sorry that I made you feel that way. I can only hope that it doesn't happen again.
I spent three weeks in July glued to the most incredible reality television I've ever seen. My nights were filled with drama and suspense brought to me from the French countryside with. The cast was a list of the finest athletes on the face of the Earth. I was awed by the determination and sheer physical pain these men put themselves through. I have drawn inspiration from Tyler Hamilton, Jan Ulrich and especially Lance Armstrong. The event, for me, was purely amazing, it makes me want to do something remarkable for myself. It makes me want to excel and achieve.
That moment is with me now, exactly as it was then. I feel sheer horror at what I'm seeing. You called and I came looking, hoping that I would make it, praying I would be in time. You were silent when I opened the door, your too pale face barely showing recognition. You were only taking shallow breaths when I found you. There was barely enough life in you to make your heart beat. The light behind your eyes, the thing that I fell in love with, was gone. I ache when I remember. I will never let myself forget.
I learned a lot about myself today. I learned that I don't have to have a completely quiet mind to get the most out of the meditation service. I learned that gravity still rules even when incense lays heavy in the air and my reactions are cat quick when I'm sitting zazen. I learned that I can push myself to my limit and go past it. I learned that even though Virginia Beach is flat, the Long Creek Trail is anything but. Finally, I learned I need to work a little more so I won't bonk at mile number eight.
When it's quiet and dark and I have found my cocoon for the night, that is when the real awareness starts. I am assuming that I have a pretty high threshold for pain. Maybe I have developed one over the past few months. I haven't had any pain meds for quite some time now and I still hurt in one way or another pretty much all the time. There is really no way to get around it. It is just a part of my life that I am hoping will eventually go away. Until then, I suffer behind my smile.
I have caviar in my eye. Well, that's not exactly the case I guess. I suppose it could be called roe, I think that would be far more accurate. It came from the orange rolls I was eating. Nice and salty with the soy sauce and opening me up really well with the wasabi. Oh yeah, that's the dinner time ticket. Hopefully the heat will blast away my level six that is slowly graduating to a level seven. I am not sure how I should deal with the pain but right now I can't seem to come up with anything.
I can feel you hiding there on the corner of the bed with your knifelike incisors dripping to sink yourself into my flesh into my night disrupting my dreams waiting until I'm comfortable with the covers and pillows before you are ready to do your dirty work I can hear you there beginning your tiny moan at the back of my throat that will turn into a whimper and then a sob as you have your way with me and I spend another few hours tossing and turning and ruining the rest of my day before it even gets started
I am not in any way shape or form easy with the person I am and have been for the past little while. Some part of me is missing, hiding, or maybe just not there and that makes me endlessly nervous about who I am and how I'm acting in my every day life. I am back to searching for some answers. The hardest part is that I am not sure what the questions are so I don't even know where to start looking. All I know is that it is starting to wear away at me. I am nervous.
I am the great pretender. No one knows what kind of turmoil I am in. Dull throbbing pain takes away the necessary restful rejuvenation I need and forces me to replace it with drug induced comas. That kind of thing destroys personal confidence after a while. I am never completely sure that I am acting the way I should. I only know that I am acting and that people around me a for the most part none the wiser. How do I figure out what direction I need to be going when I don't even know what my destination is?
I don't know what I had hoped to get from this trip. It is certainly nice to get away from home for a few days, look at other things, that it about the extent of it. Everywhere I go, I am still there, and nothing really changes even with the change of venue. Everything inside me is still as mixed up as it was when I left home and it will still be that way when I get back. I am tired and I desperately need the rest that I'm not going to get, not tonight anyhow, maybe some day.
This is the cycle; pain, exhaustion, lethargy, impatience, frustration, anger, pain. It goes on and on. I can see no clear end to the tunnel, in fact, the more exhaustion I feel the muddier the path gets. I feel like I am moving in slow motion, every surge ahead is arrested by some unseen hand forcing me to march in place. The harder I struggle, the further back I fall. I am gaining no positive ground. This is the cycle; pain, exhaustion, lethargy, impatience, frustration, anger, pain. It goes on and on. I can see no clear end to the
What could make it better? In what sorry little corner am I in that I can say I want it to be better when I am able to draw breath? How could I possibly whish for more when I can open my eyes every morning? How can I even deign to complain about my life where I can walk out my door and feel the wind in my face? I do because it's my life and I want it to be everything I imagine it can be. I can because I am through with suffering and it's time to stop.
Something's not right. Last night on my way home from work my foot slipped off the brake pedal a couple of times. This morning at breakfast I spilled my bowl of cereal on the stove. When I took the bowl to the sink it slipped out of my hand and shattered in the sink. The next bowl I took out of the cabinet also dropped out of my hand and smashed to pieces on the counter. When I went to the ATM machine I could not remember my PIN number. I've had this headache all day that won't go away.
On Sunday I was sitting on the bed at my parent's house leafing through the center pages of Lance Armstrong's book. There are a bunch of pictures of him from various stages of his life. My niece climbed up on the bed with me and asked me who the man in the pictures was. I told her that he was a great bike rider and one of my heroes. Now, I know that I don't ride a bike like that and I wasn't as sick as he was but that doesn't keep me from crying when I think about it.
Could you please come over here and hold my hand? I need to feel life coursing through something because I am not sure I really remember what it is like. When the pain sets in and my mind floats away my awareness of all other things goes with it and I have to know that it is at least there somewhere waiting for me to rejoin it. I do not think it ever really waits, it progresses and you just try to catch up. Maybe holding your hand and feeling the life in you will help jump start mine again.
It was pretty quiet today for a Friday. Another visit to the vampires this morning, I have the tape residue still on my arm. I have my fingers crossed for good results I just wish it didn't take so long to get them. Maybe when I see the doctor next week she'll tell me that I can come off the medication. Tomorrow is going to be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing all those people I haven't seen in a long time. I might even get to see Greg's daughter. That might be a little strange.
Now, how do I react to that? I can't go against his wishes not matter how much you want me to be a part of it. He has the final say on what role I will have and if that turns out to be nothing then that it the way it will be. You can do all you want to pull me into it but I will stay out and away no matter what you say. You can't push or pressure me to go any further with this and I refuse to take anything but his side. I am sorry.
Oh man, I am feeling really rough. That was way too much to drink, for me, for now. I can't say it wasn't a good time. Wow, those people certainly know how to throw a party. Beer and food and music and… It's a good thing I decided to stay the night, there was absolutely no way I could have made it home. Then again, it would have been way too far to go anyhow. I also had some good conversation with Jack-O. Maybe that will turn into something productive. At least my suffering today may provide a good outcome.
Ask me how I am. Look at my face, stare into my eyes, put your lips on mine and feel desire pulsing. Ask me how I am. Slip under the covers and wrap your arms around my chest. Put your palm over my heart and notice how quickly it beats at your touch. Ask me how I am. Trace your finger over my scar, feel the soft new skin, find how close the bone is to the surface. Ask me how I am. Wipe the tear from my cheek when I realize you aren't real. Ask me how I am.
What was I thinking?
"I want to go down on you and feel your clit grow hard between my lips and your calves wrap around the back of my head as you try to suffocate me into stopping."
What was I thinking?
"Oh my, you are the most amazing creature I have ever encountered, how is it that you actually exist in the real world?"
What was I thinking?
"Take that off, oh please, oh please, please take that off."
What was I thinking?
"When you finally pull your mouth away, I will be content to crawl away and die."
There will be no one hundred words entry for Wednesday night. I am planning on being totally enthralled by the Two Towers to be able to say anything. Oh, well maybe I'll watch the extras first. I think I will take a look at the preview for Return of the King. Why does it have to be such a long time until then? It seems like years ago when I finished reading it for the billionth time. This promises to be the best yet. The battle for Middle Earth should be spectacular. Oh well, time to turn the light down.
How many times are you going to say it? I know how she is and you're never going to get me to comment in a derogatory way about it. I have no judgment about her but if you keep it up I will have something more to say about you. The will be absolutely no commiseration from me in any way shape or from. You have to know where my loyalties lie by now, if not you have a lot more to learn about what is going on here than you know. I hope I have made that perfectly clear.
"We paid our nineteen dollars we should be able to do what we want."
"He was nice, he gave me a Budweiser."
Son: "What's in a hotdog?" Father: "Lips and assholes."
"Yeah daddy, you paid your nineteen dollars, you should be able to do what you want." "You dropped your hotdog? You'll just have to eat the bun with ketchup on it."
"You should learn from him, he's been in jail four times, he must know how to work the system."
"Bring me the red cup! You don't know what's in it just pour it out and bring it here."
This has been a great day. The weather was fantastic, though just when we're ready to head out, the rain starts and we're left under the Jeep tent. It was beautiful anyhow, hanging out on the mountain, hearing the fire snap and pop in the damp wood. I want to spend forever out here, under this tent or under this sky, with these people. I don't ever want this to end. I feel so comfortable here and I'm getting the feeling that I am supposed to do something with this but I can't seem to figure out what it is.
Now I'm home from the rain-shortened weekend. I am wishing I was still out in the woods, out on that mountain. All of my time out there is becoming preferable to the time I spend here. I have to figure out a way to do that more often. I wonder if it is possible to get a job that makes this a requirement. I know that there are but I do not know if I am cut out for them yet, or if I ever will be but. I have to figure it because it is starting to consume me.
The Tip Jar