It's funny.. I've been trying to think of some clever thought to enter into these online ‘diary' entries (as it were). I've come up with a few things, but they always seem to end up as tried out… so, instead, I'll probably complain here and there about why I have to live this life in this body, in this country, with this circle of people. It's more of a contemplation, really, about why things are as they are not only for me, but for people in general. Why we live as we live.. it seems frivolous even when it's not.

Just think the world is flat. The sky a pristine shade of purple. Below you, not the other half of the world.. no, literally there is nothing. Existence is only as far as the horizon reaches. And there you stand at the edge, leaning over trying to catch a glimpse of what lies beneath. Alas, you cannot see over far enough and contemplate what to do next. Logic takes over as you turn around and sit on a bench placed thirty feet from the edge. Taking a pebble that lies on the ground, you smilingly throw it over the edge.

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This little dialogue is tagged on to the end of the third Bauhaus album. In one light, I find the words to be haunting.. the man who is speaking sounds drunk and the last sentence just sounds ominous. But, in another light, it is very comforting.. almost like a lullaby, when nothing matters and words are puzzles. “My baby, how big you’ll be in a verys while. You’ll be going to school and you wouldn’t want your daddy there now will you, darling. Oh, I wish you could be my baby all the time. I wonder what the future holds.”

There is such a pressure in some people's lives to be good. To go to bed by ten, to be mild mannered…abide one's parents. Like the films everyone else likes…listen to tunes on the radio. It can be much at times...all these guidelines. I certainly tire of them. Life is boring and useless. I expect my situation to change verses me rebelling because being against life is so childish. I want to work toward a place where I can make my own decisions and feel okay about them because they *are* alright. I'm too honest and emphatic to do otherwise.

My one conclusion I kept coming to in high school was that I hated people. Not any particular group of people according to country or likes/dislikes, just the human nature. It really sickened me. From being fifteen and hating all I saw, I have changed. People still drive me up the walls, but I'm seeing a bigger picture. There is a cycle here on earth, and that brings a mild amount of comfort. I can distance myself from the masses, and at the same time totally immerse myself within it and feel part of the system (which makes me laugh).

Being mediocre is the worst. Middle of the road…average, usual. We all may try to be different, but we aren't. We are all the same. I'm tired of being part of the middle class, average intelligence, mild artistic tendencies. The only thing that maybe sets me apart is my ethnicity. People of my ethnicity aren't too common…but it brings no perks. I'm still forced to do everything the long, usual way. We aren't enough of a major minority. Bah. Now I'm ‘other.' What an idea, I wouldn't be surprised if I completely disappear at this very moment…you are the witness.

caged animals should not exist/ harmless films need to end on a high/ mild obsessions lead a manic/ existentialism can thrive arm in arm with pragmatism/ in a car, unable to drive/ talking to a dusted museum and trees/ blue-eyed aliens produce smiles/ eggshell butterflies/ imaginary line in a green field/ around the world/ styrofoam markers once were bad seeds/ hairspray on chalk/ caped man and the mysterious song/ all eyes on a missed day/ turtles crawl, sweat, and hide/ clam and peace and tranquillity in a pair of spectacles/ look alikes and dead give aways/ orphee finds an answer/

All right. I wonder why I'm placed with the people in my life because they all drive me insane. It's entirely pathetic. I feel as though the only thing I hear from everyone is their id.. ‘i, me, mine!' I don't think I'm the same way, rather I probably fuel their egos with my lack of self-belief. I feel like I always compromise myself for the benefit of someone else. Granted this is probably not how things are.. but it just feels like this so often. I wish I could just get up and go. I'm not happy with existing.

I was lying in bed and noticed something at the window. A cactus was gazing at me. I went to the window and asked what it needed. It smiled and told me to turn the tv on to channel twenty. Channel twenty gave me a picture of the moon. A ten inch moon, clean and clear picture. I could see the craters and the astronauts. I watched the moon until the cactus left. Then I turned off the moon and went back to bed. On my side, staring at the door knob. I felt okay, I felt safe and warm.

I wish every humble person could have infinite amounts of wealth because they would not only better their lives, but also the world of which they know they are a part of. I wish that ideals were factual phenomenon's. I wish that every shy person was an actual dark horse. I wish their was an uncharted island where unicorns existed. I wish there was no concept of ownership. I wish plagiarism was an original piece of work. I wish everyone understands that countries are arbitrary, hence people form one country is just as random as the person from another country.

I'm so tired.. thoroughly exhaustedly fatigued. I stayed up late last night talking to someone I usually avoid. Can't say I regret this feeling - not for conversation - but because it is my sole and muted form of rebellion. I'm so stifled in how I can act that I take all I can when no one is looking. Makes me feel like I might be alright. Plus I love early mornings, before the sun comes up and what others consider night. Feels so quiet and not at all like the suburban home right next to a freeway and airport.

I got a compliment the other day.. based on what I look like. Really surprised me how much this person believed in the compliment. I utterly disagree and know this person would if given the whole truth. It did make me feel good.. but then got me terribly depressed. Still does. I'm like every other girl who isn't happy with my physical appearance.. so cliché (ick). I can't even really think of how to continue on this thread. I'm just remembering all those years of self-torment. Life is troublesome on so many levels.. nothing will ever work out for me.

Wondering aimlessly: deep night, deep forest. Small pond open to a clearing. Quiet beyond compare. Moonlight outlines distant mountains while the actual moon hides behind low clouds. Serenity beyond reason. Wondering aimlessly: forest of fern envelops me. Sweet smelling air. Soft, early morning politely streams in between leaves. A moist atmosphere gathers as I eagerly loose my way. Forced: out the door at eight. Fall into a green bug and fly to a city by the river. Broken vocal box sings. No one to meet, no one to care. Inside a movie theater, education for the taking. Intuition speaks failure.

Things I wont forget.. two missed opportunities each to see Peter Murphy and Roxy Music. Old Town Pasadena and the Museum of Jurassic Technology. South Cost Plaza and the time for that. Feeling incredibly inferior in mind and opinions. Needing to please and oblige.. compromising my belongings. Listening to hours of complaining while understanding my issues were a dime a dozen. Becoming middle-person and voice of mediocrity. Days and nights at home.. being too good.. not feeling comfortable to be me. This is why family isn't enough and why good people with sincere hearts are important and necessary to me.

Into the dreary life of PerchPrism: before school starts I want to clean my room, polish the house and Windex the windows. I want to buy jeans.. it's so hard to find jeans that aren't faded. I want to finish the book I'm reading. I want to feel rested. I want to vacuum. I want find my drawings from high school and convince myself that I can still draw. I want a few more late nights. I want the person to e-mail me the songs he promised... so I can make a CDR with all my Geneva b-sides (very vital).

It is normal for people to have internal dialogues.. thinking is what most call it. For me, it's internal dialogue because it never seems to stop. My logical, common sense side is reasonable in what to expect in people, in situations, etc.. but the other side is overly emotional and ultra-sensitive. It is this burdensome latter side that second guesses everything and makes me indecisive. Due to this personal drama I commit to myself on a daily basis, I have come to the conclusion that my overly emotional self has made my ego the size of a particle of dust.

alright.. i've had ideas swarming through my head as i counted down to the moment when i would feel comfortable to write 100 words. and now, i've just shot a glance through a book and everything is lost. i will say this though: i've just watched a documentary on 21 century art and the grotesque images have followed me. modern art can be that way. ... an idea is coming back though.. .. banana faces from angled mirrors makes me feel entirely hollow. make what you want of that. for me, it's a reminder that it doesn't have to matter.

I saw Super Furry Animals tonight. They were co-headlining with Grandaddy. Thank the gods SFA played first. I was bitterly disappointed that they only played for an hour. Then came Grandaddy.. can't say I liked them.. at all. His voice was so whiny, in that annoying indie pitch (I ran away after two songs). Ah, but SFA was grand. Gruff had wild hair, the biggest I've ever seen it.. and they seemed happy to perform like they were the first time I saw them. They even brought along their Cousin It costumes as seen in the Golden Retriever vid. Hah.

Bad episode from a racist wench leading to this .. me venting: I hate every single person on this planet. I think a nuclear war should take place and wipe out the human race. I am both disgusted and embarrassed to be a human being. I would much rather be another living creature, any one of them would far surpass in natural consideration and empathy. I just can't stand people. I am not interested in how we work because no matter what, we are selfish, conceited, hateful, wasting, ugly beings. I wish everyone would just get over their insignificant selves.

Great juxtaposition: Czechoslovakian film about an awkward young man next to the 2004 Miss America Pageant. I do have the sense to be watching the first, gratefully. ‘Closely Watched Trains' is an excellent movie. I love movies about awkward people.. I see myself in them all too well. I also like foreign films because they feel so much more familiar to me.. bit smaller in scope, bit more of the human condition. I've never seen a Czech film before and I was pleased to find I'll probably like more of them.. so far the Czechs are working out for me.

I have an interview later today.. I'm much too nervous about it.. I'm confident that I wont get the job because I have no experience with the type of work I'll be doing.. so I really shouldn't be so nervous. I should regard it as interview experience. Still it gets to me. Almost had an anxiety attack yesterday thinking about what could happen. I'm such a paranoid person. I want to work and feel productive, but I would settle for some mindless job that would eventually lead me to a high paying career by the time I graduate from college.

Mosquitos don't have a place in the living cycle of existence.. so why do they exist? From what I know, all they do is spread disease and leave behind salvia that has allergic reactions to our skin (so that we can itch). Maybe, if you consider the whole ‘Jurassic Park' idea, their purpose is to store blood for the future so some other form of life can ressurrect us.. but who'd want that. Humans have done so much damage as it is I'd hate to think we could be brought back to existence when Mother Nature finally worked us out.

I did a lot of cleaning today. Polished the house, cleaned the glass and mirrors, vacuumed everywhere, swept up the ashes from the fireplace, washed my car, and the usual dishes. I like to clean.. of course I have to be in the mood. The mood being when I feel like I can’t control things in my life.. so I end up perfecting my environment because I can. It’s nice.. I feel like I’ve accomplished something, burned some calories, made my living space more sanitary, and helped in the household upkeep. Saddening.. only thing I control is my cleaning ability.

Slowly it takes up the entire horizon, inching it’s weight onto my windshield. Mammoth and bronze. The strength to make Schwarzenegger duck out and go back to body-building. It’s gaze is peaceful, yet the posture ready for attack.. so symbolic: manipulative, deductive, evil.. It lies out in the open, showing no fear, no shame. Full aware, it is, that it does not belong, but embraces my windshield with all it’s might. Such brashness.. breathes the ability to defy logic. Standing there without the courage to move. Uselessly obedient, wasting away .. sacrificing existence for the art of encapsulating a nation.

I used to think a certain song went, “he looks at man, he’s sorry.. indigo eyes.” Now I know the proper lyrics, but like mine more. It is as though a god has indigo eyes, he looks upon his creations dis-heartenedly because he is disappointed with what man..our world is a failure. But then ‘my’ lyrics go on to reveal that this god has indigo eyes, indigo the color that no man can see.. seeing that a god is the likeness of man, he can’t see either.. and all that disappoints him is found within himself. Such a profound idea.

I saw Supergrass tonight! It was great, as Supergrass are great. The opening acts were amusing. I’ve never seen a pseudo-punk or screamer band play live (much less bother to listen to it). There is a reason why I avoid such music. The Supergrass set was short, which was a bit disappointing, but understandable.. the band is supporting Radiohead’s tour and are probably fatigued. I had a nice standing area.. no tall people in front of me, close to the stage, proper view of Rob (I do enjoy my piano solos). It was fun, I hope they come again soon.

I must feed the cats pretty soon, after I do some girlie yard work.. feeding two cats that like me and one feral one. I’ve been trying to convince the feral one that I am a nice person and I thought my cats would also help put its mind at ease. Alas, no. It hisses when I catch it off guard, which is just funny.. and scurries away when I put food out only to come back when it’s safe. I named it Pechu (Hindi for feather) because its fur stuck up like a feather when it first came around.

I must have tanned an extra two shades darker today. It was awful... the sun... me walking from one side of campus to the other. Entirely disgusting. I hate how I tan so easily and must live in such a sunny state. I wish I could be in a cloudy cardigan-appropriate location. I’m sure I’d be much happier and more friendly to all those around me. Hm.. I consider carrying an umbrella everywhere, but there’s something inside me that cannot. Sure such embarrassment is petty.. it is my embarrassment so I’ll use it anyway I please. Just give me autumn!

This quote summarizes my feelings for this final evening.. “Ohhhhh, that wasn’t what I’d meant to say at all.” I take back all I said, it was all fickle and rash.. nonsequitor and irrational. I don’t believe people should stand up for what they may have said one month ago or one day. Words are not the supreme art form of existence.. it’s merely us (the idiot) human trying to articulate our experiences or feelings. Words are silver but silence is golden, as the proverb goes.. I have to agree. So much more is there without the mess of language.