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Today I start my month-long journey on this site. I found it really interesting to be able to write like this. I love writing. But then, I love doing a lot of things. My interests are so varied. I love literature and then again I love art. I love astronomy and poetry. Not to mention sports, photography, music and above all learning. It’s like I have this inborn instinct to learn new and interesting stuff. I’m a fast learner too. Not that, I’m trying to flatter myself. But I think I am. Basically, I love doing whatever interests me most.
I don’t know whether all this should be about me. Well I don’t really care. Sometimes I feel people try to make things a bigger issue than it really is. I don’t know why that happens. Maybe I do it too. I guess we all have our faults. Learning to accept each others’ faults is probably the biggest achievement for every one of us. I know I don’t always do it too well. But maybe I should try harder. Maybe we all should. I don’t know why but sometimes being in a relationship scares me. I hate fighting with people.
He stood there looking at the vast ocean. It seemed to call him. There was nothing stopping him. Nothing, except her. He had wasted his life. Even at the age of twenty-four, things seemed hopeless. But she felt this need, this love. It wasn’t lover’s love, it was family love. He was screaming at her. He wanted to let it go, end it there. But she wouldn’t let him. Before she realized, she felt salt water on her cheeks. It may have been as salty as the ocean. But the ocean lost to her. She won, she called him back.
He was an old man. Sat at that same window everyday. He watched them walk by every evening. They wondered what he thought of them. Two little girls growing up. Sometimes he would smile. Sometimes they would greet him. But at they grew up they stopped doing that. They wondered how many more days they would see him. They wanted to see him there forever. But things change. How long can a man just sit there. One day he was gone. In an odd way, they were sad. They didn’t know him. He was far, yet he was so close.
She walked by rather slowly. She was in a pensive mood. So many things were happening around her. She wanted to make sense of the madness. But the burden was overpowering. She liked to be on her own. Think on her own. She had this private world. A world nobody could enter even if they wanted to. She loved that world. And every now and then she ran away there to be away from the people. She needed that. She needed to stop pretending to the outside world. For she did pretend a lot. She needed to pretend a lot.
Sometimes I wonder how people can be such a pain. Some people should just learn how to keep to themselves. But then again if we didn’t interact, this world would be going nowhere. Still there are certain things which should be left alone. Sometimes I get so irritated with people, but I just can’t seem to say anything. I wonder if I’ll ever learn how to tell people off without really hurting their feelings. Because although they may get on my nerves, I definitely don’t want to upset anybody. That’s one of the things I hate most…upsetting or offending people.
I feel weird today. I don’t know why. The funny part is I just discovered that. It’s almost 9:30 at night. And now I understand that I’ve been feeling different all day. I don’t what the feeling is. I think it’s a kind of emptiness maybe. Like I’m not doing something. Why do I feel this way? Isn’t it absolutely stupid? Something’s going on inside me and I don’t know what it is or why it’s there. I guess I’m just not making sense. I think that’s it. Life’s just not making a lot of sense to me right now.
I told him to come. He didn’t. I felt sad. Everybody came. He didn’t even try. He had his reasons. But they just weren’t good enough for me. I was too proud to even request further. I didn’t want to be the kind to keep bothering him. But it made me sad as hell. But then I couldn’t stay sad for very long. I got busy with other things. I could still feel a trace of sadness in me. I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t tell anybody either. Now I’m just too tired. I don’t want to think.
Even though he didn’t feel it, she did. She knew something was wrong. She knew their relationship was going down. It was fading like the stars fade as dawn breaks. She felt this unbearable sadness. To him, things seemed normal. May be he just didn’t want to admit that things weren’t the same. Or may be, just maybe he knew what was going on. And he let it happen. He wanted to let it happen. He wanted to move away. He needed to move away. But what about her. Didn’t he even think about her anymore? She wanted to fade.
Sometimes I think about life a lot. I think about a lot of philosophical things regarding life. But I really don’t have anyone to say it to. I had a friend once. I don’t know where he is right now. Somehow we always ended talking about things like this. I wish he were still here. Then I would have someone to share my views. Those special views I can’t share with anyone else. Anyways, like I was saying. I think about life a lot. And things like where we’re going and what good all of this is. I don’t know.
I was thinking about certain people I know. I was thinking about how they never realize that life follows a pattern. I think it is important for people to follow some kind of routine in their everyday lives. But then, I am not a great thinker or anything. And may be I have no right to comment on such matters. Still, I have feelings I need to express. I think routine is a big part of life. Anybody who lives by a certain routine, may it be rigid or flexible, can make better sense of life than a haphazard person.
I met someone new today. She was kind of weird. She had all these ideas. She was different. I heard a little about her life story. It was messed up. But then compared to hers, my life seemed bleak. Sometimes, I wish I had a more exciting life, doing more important things. Then again I wonder. Would I really like to give up this carefree life? My life isn’t that carefree though. I do have things to do. I’m studying. And I like to do that. But somehow, I’m still left with the feeling, that I’m just not doing enough.
There was a light in the room. She didn’t know whether she should enter or not. Her curiosity got the better of it. She went in. Inside, she didn’t see anything unusual. It was a plain room. The only difference is it had lots of books. It was sort of a library cum study. But there was no furniture. The color of the walls was a beautiful green. It amazed her a bit. She really didn’t expect something like this. She looked at the books lying on the floor stacked up. Suddenly, something caught her eye. She was absolutely awed.
I’m getting weirder day by day. I wish I didn’t have to be like this. Isn’t is awful when you don’t want to be what you are? I do like who I am. But sometimes I don’t like the way I behave. I wish I didn’t have to get bothered with other people’s business. I should learn to keep to myself. I used to be like that. But somehow, things suddenly changed. And now I feel like I’ve turned into some kind of horrible creature. I wish I knew how to change myself. I would like to be “me” again.
I wonder whether we really have feelings or not. I heard feelings are just electrical signals. I’m not too good at science. What if there was some way we could just remove feelings and emotions. But then again, would we really be happy without feelings. I wonder. May be we could just take out the sad feelings and leave the happy ones. If feelings and emotions are just electrical signals to our brain, may we could pull the plug out. Some say we wouldn’t realize the value of being happy if we couldn’t be sad. How true can that be?
Would it be possible for someone to accomplish all her dreams in one life time? May be she could try. I once heard someone say that everyday he woke up he at least had one dream unfulfilled. May be that’s true for everybody. For as we travel down this path called life, we have countless dreams still unfulfilled. It’s like they say in Economics people have unlimited wants and that’s why things are always scarce. But I think there’s more to wants than just material wants. We have emotional wants as well. May be that’s something we need to consider.
There was a man I once knew. He’s gone now, far way. Passed away into the enchanted land. He was an amazing person. I wish I was more like him. It’s only because he was so quiet and yet he had so much intelligence. He kept to himself most of the time. Probably thinking a lot. But he also always took the pains to explain something I didn’t understand. Every time I’d ask him something, I could see his eyes light up in the excitement of sharing his knowledge with someone. I hope he rests in peace wherever he is.
I’ve known quite a few people who’ve been on drugs. They always have this different perception of life. They’re always seeing things differently. Mostly they talk about philosophical things and things like everything in this world is driven by an energy. Why do they see things differently? I read in a book once that after this guy did an acid trip, he saw colors that could never be imagined. He said the world looked bleak after that. I never really want to do anything like that, but I always wonder what it’s like to feel that way. It is scary.
He had that grave look on his face. She knew it was coming. She wanted to hold him tight and let him reassure her that everything was going to be okay. But she knew it wasn’t. She felt it. She wanted to scream at all her troubles to frighten them away. It was just too late. Why is always too damn late for everything? He paced the room, trying to find the words to tell her. No matter how he put it, it would be the same. The pain would be the same. Things would never be the same again.
I love my roof. I don’t go there anymore that often. May be because I just don’t get enough time to. But I used to love going there before. It gave me a sense of freedom, liberty; to sit alone under the open sky. I used to go only at night. Hoping nobody would call me for anything urgent. Most days I would just look at the sky and sing. I loved singing on the roof. Because I knew that was the only place no one heard me and I could sing as loud and bad as I wanted to.
Having a lot of friends can be an advantage. It isn’t to make friends and most people envy those who have many friends. I have a lot of friends. But sometimes it can prove to be quite annoying. Mostly it’s because you can’t satisfy all your friends all of the time. There comes a time when you have to disappoint at least one of them. That becomes awful. Because then there are misunderstandings and fights. Sometimes you just don’t want to do something but it’s hard to explain that to a friend who jus won’t understand. Still, it’s the best.
I don’t know. It’s just something I can’t understand. Why do people have to hide away from their problems? I think nobody really needs drugs or psychologists or anything like that to get cured. It’s all a matter of relationships and getting out of them. I think if you can look your troubles straight in the eye, they get scared and run away. You got to get rid of pain with pain. The times I felt most down, all I ever did was face the feeling and get it over and done with. It won’t come back to haunt you.
Sometimes she just feels like dropping everything and walking away from it all. But she can’t. Life tends to tie one down at times. That can get pretty frustrating. How can life be yours if can’t have it the way you want it to? She’s not trying to run away from her problems. All she wants is to be herself. She seems to be losing herself. She wants to live her life the way she thinks fit. She wants to break free from the invisible shackles around her heart. But life has its miseries. She knew it would never happen.
It was as if it called her. It beckoned her. She saw the mysterious charms. And there was an overwhelming sense of emptiness as it filled her heart. It was the mighty ocean she stood in front of. She quietly whispered her secrets, knowing they’d be safe. It called her, to travel the great earth with it. She wanted to go. There was nothing much holding her back. Still, there was something. She knew her journey was not supposed to end there. So she vowed to return someday and until that day she would keep the emptiness in her heart.
If only I had wings. I would fly off far away from here. Far away from the people I know, far away from the troubles they cause me. My mind is in a state of turmoil. I know not what to do. I could, if I wanted to, take some kind of happy drug and drift away to a momentary paradise. But that’s not what it’s about. So I have to be content with the notion of dreaming about a life where I had wings and I could fly away and then return when I wanted. Not be away forever.
Ever think why we’re here. I believe in an afterlife. So then why couldn’t it just be that? Why did we have to come here? To sin? To have troubles? We could’ve just been happy all the time. People say that’s bad. But I don’t think so. I would like to be happy all the time. I usually am a lively person. But it’s not like I always am that way. Why should it be like that? What couldn’t I always be happy? I really don’t want to be sad. It gets irritating to be sad. I like being happy.
Which is worse? Being sad or being sick. I think they’re both bad. But which is worse? I could never really figure that one out. When I’m sick I think that’s worse and when I’m sad I think that’s worse. Being sick or having unbearable physical pain is worse than being sad. It’s easier to become happy again but it’s not easy to become well soon. Besides when I get too sick, I get sad as well. I lose my temper and I become sort or irrational. I wonder if it’s like that with everybody. I hate to get sick.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be somebody else. I look at people in the street and I wonder how different we are from in each other. But then again we are all the same. All of us, striving for a better life. Isn’t that what it is? We’re never satisfied with what we are or what we have. Even the richest person or happiest person has some wish unfulfilled. Why does it have to be so? Why are we built with the idea of unlimited wants? Why can we just be satisfied with what we have?
I’ve always wanted to visit a mental institute. I wonder if I’ll ever get to. For some odd reason mental issues interest me. May be I’m a bit crazy myself, that’s why. But it’s interesting to note the psychology of people. It gives you a chance to wander into the realms of the mind. It could be your own mind or somebody else’s. I’ve heard that mental institutes can be scary and that there are people there who know no definition of life. It amazes me to know that people can actually be like that. It can get to you.
What is it that we hope to achieve by this thing called life? Do we really want money or happiness or freedom? What then is the definition of these to us? Don't these have different values to different people? Or is just all the same? Could it be that there is someone who doesn't want something? We all have to want and live with that want. Why couldn't life be just a little simple? Did things have to be so complicated? Did man have to be such a complex creature? I wish I could find the true meaning in life.
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