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BY Mailman

09/01 Direct Link
My little machine is broken. I can't record my album anymore... Well I can, but it'd take ages to write the drum sequences. An email has been sent to the manufacturer, who can hopefully tell me how to dismantle it in order to get at the broken parts, so that they might be fixed. But it looks like I'll have to concentrate on a different project for a while. Maybe I'll finish reading The Art of Virtue, which is one of those books that I can never seem to get all the way through. Damn you world. I hate you.
09/02 Direct Link
I was kidding. I don't really want to damn the world, and I don't hate it. I don't believe in the whole "forces of the universe" thing, so I can't hold the world or the universe responsible my bad luck and everyday annoyances. Although if someone phrased the idea of there being mysterious, uncontrollable forces floating around us every second and influencing how things turn out for us, without sounding like a whackjob, then I'd be much happier to open my mind and be more intrigued by it all.

I like REM. Especially the Murmur album. I haven't showered yet today.
09/03 Direct Link
Today is the day that I will drive a car for the fifth time in my life. It's not too bad, driving, although I don't really know what to think concerning my own abilities and instincs when I sit in front of the steeing wheel in that nifty little car. I say "in front of the wheel" because it makes more sense than saying "behind the wheel". My judgement makes the side of the wheel with the logo on it the front, and sitting behind it in my mind would mean being perched on top of the dashboard. Yeah, yes.
09/04 Direct Link
I'm not a happy person - sometimes I don't think I want to be happy. It feels as though you see things for what they really are when you're miserable, but I'm not sure if that's true. Sometimes I hope that it is true though. I want to be a miserable, cynical misanthrope. I think I'm watching a lot of House. I love that program. It's really good. I want to be the charismatic front-person of a stylish underground band. I want to draw obscure pictures and upset people with offensive literature. I want to be happy by being unhappy.
09/05 Direct Link
I am the best at everything I do. I'm not going to accept that anyone else can do something that I do better than I can. If I want to take up cooking as a hobbie, I'll be the best cook in the world, or if I want to collect bus tickets, I'll have the best collection in the world - maybe not straight away, but eventually. Therefore, I am my favourite person. If I decide to write a book, I will be my favourite author. I am my favourite musician and magician. I am my favourite everything. Absolutely. Everything.
09/06 Direct Link
I once put together a life map - I can't remember much of it, apart from the square that had "Destroy Yamaha" written in it, and the square that had "Merge with a supreme being and become God" written in it. I'm not going to follow up on the former, because I really like Yamaha; my bass guitar was made by them, and I'm going to buy another one made by them when I get around to it. I might get around to merging with a supreme being, but I'm not going to make it my life goal or anything. Damn.
09/07 Direct Link
I don't want to write anymore today. The word counter I've been using has counted my hyphens as words, so some of my entries contain less than one hundred real words, so it's unlikely that my completed batch will count for inclusion on this website, which is a little bit upsetting. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing entries for this month - I've commited to this. I need to stay commited to the things I commit to because I haven't been very good at that in the past. I drift and I drift and I really hate that.
09/08 Direct Link
I spent half an hour today trying to find my Rubik's Cube. I think it went into a charity bag some years back, so the liklihood is that some underprivileged child is playing with it now, somewhere in England perhaps, or it could have gone to Africa, I don't really know. I hope whoever has it has managed to solve it, and if they have they should feel proud of themselves for managing it, especially if they did it without instructions. I'm going to buy a new one myself, for 10. I'm going to solve it without the intructions too.
09/09 Direct Link
This evening I had fun practicing with my band - the rock band that I play guitar in, as opposed to the grunge band that I play bass in. I'm going to record with both of my bands soon. The grunge band is recording its "debut", so to speak, this very month, so I'm quite excited about that. The rock band will record sometime this year, maybe, or early next year; I'll have to see what happens in terms of commitment from everyone. The rock band hasn't be set up with the objective of "making it", while the other one has.
09/10 Direct Link
Tiny little spider on the kitchen floor, I shall stomp on you! But I'm kidding, because I wouldn't do that because I am no spider bully, and this spider is so little that I would feel guilty and pathetic if I were to terrify it for my own pleasure. So I'm not going to terrify it. And I won't feel guilty and pathetic, because I have not terrified it. Everyone is happy: I am happy and the spider is happy, and many more people will be happy for other reasons. Everything is right with the world. Everything is right. Everything.
09/11 Direct Link
Today was good. I felt mature; perhaps I even felt a little bit superior to everyone else. I might be developing some sort of complex, but I don't mind. I like it.

I mused with my friend about introducing myself as "The Destroyer"...to freak everyone out. It would have been funny. The irony would have been beautiful: Me in my shirt and tie, sweater vest and smart jeans. Yes, it would have been good. But of course, I wouldn't do that. Too daring. What I did do, however, and I am proud of this: I talked to someone...attractive.
09/12 Direct Link
Everything went back to normal, and now I'm disappointed with myself. I feel this way everytime I try something out of character, because I always go back to normal; my default settings, I guess. Argh.

On the other hand, I am becoming more interested in my studies now...well one of my studies at least, but that's a start isn't it?

Holy smokes! That plane up there is flying mighty low; I wonder if everything's OK. I'm sure everything is OK. But what if that's not true. There could be a catastrophe! What can we do about it?! OH NO!
09/13 Direct Link
It's propaganda! Lots of people don't realise that, because lots of people aren't very smart, which isn't exactly their fault, because it's their parents' fault. I'm kidding. No I'm not. I'm not sure exactly, I'll have to see, so if you'd like to have a seat I'll have a look in the stock room. We might have your size in, but I don't think we do though because I remember selling the last pair in that size to another man earlier on, but I'll double check because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm good at my job and stuff.
09/14 Direct Link
How about it? Wanna go out sometime? Get some coffee? Tea? Herbal tea? Herbal coffee? Dinner? Lunch? Breakfast? Brunch? After dinner snack? After Eight? Maybe? Yes? Yes!? No? What? What are you saying? You're being completely incoherent. I can't understand you. Speak up. Speak more clearly. Speak slower. Now you're being pedantic. You're being very annoying. This conversation is. This conversation is. Oooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr. Argh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shhhhhhhhhh. SHHHHHH!!! Stop talking. It's over, gone, completed, finished. Give me your planner. I'm giving you a demerit. No it is not unfair. I'm chastising you. Stop laughing. Stop sniggering. Stop smiling. Argh.
09/15 Direct Link
Apathetic, broken, cold, dejected, depressed, despondent, downcast, dull, examinate, heartless, inanimate, lackadaisical, languid, lifeless, listless, melancholy, vapid, blue, dejected, desolate, dispirited, down, downcast, downhearted, dull, dysphoric, gloomy, heavy-hearted, low, melancholic, melancholy, sad, tristful, unhappy, wistful, arid, aseptic, colorless, drab, dry, earthbound, flat, flavorless, lackluster, lifeless, lusterless, matter-of-fact, pedestrian, prosaic, sterile, stodgy, unimaginative, uninspired, flagging, lackadaisical, languorous, leaden, limp, listless, lymphatic.

I'm the happiest person in the world! I never, ever imagined that such a wonderful feeling could exist! I'm overwhelmed! Perfection...just wonderful perfection. It's wonderful! Perfection!

Bad, baleful, bleak, blue, calamitous, cheerless, crestfallen, dark, dejected, deplorable, depressed, depressing, desolate.
09/16 Direct Link
I have myself an ironic situation: I convinced myself that I needed to commit to more things, and that I needed to practice staying committed to them, but now I find that I have commited to too much which is threatening my commitment in each of these things that I have committed to. Commitment itself is a hard thing to stay committed to. I hate that.

I wish the ducks would come back to the river, so we could gleefully throw ginger bread in for them to collect in their beaks and eat, fighting over it as they do so.
09/17 Direct Link
Today I watched a little over an hour of Full Metal Jacket with a friend of mine. I liked it. Funny, serious; good combination. While watching it I ate my brownie, which I had bought from Tesco along with a muffin which I had eaten in the bus station earlier on, when my friend and I were threatened by two worthless piles of shit...people that should be put down like sheep are when their teeth have worn down so much that they can't chew their food properly anymore. I'm all talk though, and a little bit too judgmental, really.
09/18 Direct Link
bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious bodacious
09/19 Direct Link
I talked to someone today like I was a guy who'd managed to free himself from the nearest mental health ward, so I don't think he likes me too much. It wasn't the best conversation that could have been, since the noise from the ovens kept drowning out my sentences and the whole dialog I was trying to conduct turned into a series of "What?'s". But it's all good because normally I wouldn't have said a word, and I guess it's better to be seen as the guy who talks a lot of crazy shit all of the time.
09/20 Direct Link
I don't think the text book is telling the truth; not the whole truth at least. It was right up to a point, until it turned back around on itself and started talking lots of plop that I didn't agree with. It's because of my temperament, my disagreement is, which is a shame because some people say that you can't change your temperament, like you can't change your personality, which makes sense because temperament and personality are part of the same thing.

I don't feel all that miserable today, which is a good sign. I should better be careful though.
09/21 Direct Link
Cool. Check out that beat that's so checking or something I don't follow all this new-age lingo too good. I know! I'll go take one of those classes that they have on in the library. That'll be good. No it won't. Well, maybe not, but I'll give it a go because that's what life is all about; constantly feeling awkward and out of place, sat nicely outside of your comfort zone. I'm not even being sarcastic.

There's a time and a place for that kind of thing!! Now? Are you sure? Really!? I'm so excited!! Thank you! Oh my God.
09/22 Direct Link
I love melodic music. I hate metal music because it has no melody... All it has is unpleasant noise and show-off guitar work.

There's no way I'm going to do that, and there's nothing you can do to persuade me. We've talked and we just don't see eye to eye or whatever; something like that. Oh God, you've got to help me a little bit. If I don't get hydrated I might shrivel up. I'll be useless, don't you see? I guess you don't. You lack the empathy. No maturity. So you might want to try harder. Just a thought.
09/23 Direct Link
It's a nasty little situation, and so hard to get out of. A plan stops working as quickly as it had started working, which is annoying. Very annoying. But I have another one, and perhaps this time it will last, although I'm not going to get my hopes up, being a seasoned pessimist 'n all that. Well, as I like to say, I'll see how it goes. Why should anything be difficult anyway? I have a theory that nothing is truly complicated; you just have go through the right stages in the right order which will lead to understanding. Simple.
09/24 Direct Link
It leaves me wondering all of the time, because I like to wonder, and I like to wander. Two of my favourite things to do, oh yes, they are. On a scale of one to ten I'd give it... hmm... 11! Ha! Hilarious. HILARIOUS! You're an idiot, you do everything wrong and then whine about it. Well, you are very good at karate, so you don't do everything wrong, but you're horrible at dishing out comeuppance. There was absolutely no satisfaction for me in what you did. Why couldn't you have done something gruesome like those football hooligans? You damn fool.
09/25 Direct Link
I ranned and I ranned until I couldn't stop ranning. I ranned so hard that my leggies hurt and foots have blisters. I are not very good at making me happy. Me not like be in school coz me not like be not happy. Although I don't think it's fair to blame how I feel on exterior things. I reckon there's some truth in the whole "life is what you make of it" thing.

1994. The year of the Marmite advert with the song that goes do do do do do do do do do do do do. Good, happy times.
09/26 Direct Link
I've managed to get really upset today - I've hated myself, everyone and everything. I've hated the past, the future and I've looked forward to all the unkind situations that could possibly come my way. I've dreamt of isolation, where no-body perceives me and where I don't exist, and I've compared my mood to a cushion that I've sunken into, making me unable to do or want to do anything. I've decided that I need to stand up, so to speak, but I don't want to. I like feeling miserable, as miserable as that is. As miserable as that is.
09/27 Direct Link
The recordings tomorrow sound like they're going to be suprisingly professional, so I'm quite looking forward to them now. I was under the impression that we would just get stuck in the practice room and told to play, but no, they have a vocal booth and wooden boxes for amps 'n all that cool jazz. Yeah, it's all good.

Everything is kind of strange, or very strange, for that matter. I like it when I find out things that not a lot of other people know about, which is why I like books; there's lots of strange stuff in them.
09/28 Direct Link
Well, well, well. What have we here? A couple of trouble makers? Well what do you have to say for yourselves? Well? Well?! No, no, no; I don't want your excuses. You've gotton yourselves into a well of trouble... A dark, smelly well, filled with well water. How are you going to get out? You don't know do you?! Well?! Well?! WELL?!?! Well, well, well. Well, well, well. I shake my head at you. I'm deadly serious. Deadly serious. Now I have some work to do on the well, but this conversation isn't over, do you hear? Well, well, well.
09/29 Direct Link
So I've nearly done it. I remember the last time I tried this I only managed to get about five entries in, before it all just slipped my mind completely. I'm proud of myself, as I think I should be, and not just because of this but because of all the other things I've been doing, some of which I've been taking for granted. But look who it is: the old "taking things for granted" speech again. It crops up a lot with me, and a lot elsewhere, to be fair. Rhyme. It's party time at the urinal now methinks.
09/30 Direct Link
We can't talk now; we'll talk the day after tomorrow, when neither of us is busy. Although I am actually quite busy on that day... I'm more busy the day after tomorrow than I am tomorrow... Is tomorrow OK for you? No. Hmm. In that case I don't think we'll be able to talk for a good week or so, because I'm completely busy from Friday until the Monday after next. Yeah, I'll give you my number. Good idea. How do you use this? What have I done? Yeah, email would be better. Hopefully I'll give you the right one.