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Turn your dreams into reality, what your dreams may be so your life shall be as well, escape the place of contentment you all hold onto so, take a dive, give in and let go, give into yourself, you've been denied all your life, I am here to tell you that was all just a lie, give into to the things that you once held so dear and let slip through your fingers overcome by the fears that you did not deserve such a life such a dream to live a life of dreams in reality. Dream again. Believe again.
Warped halo that burns my head, feeling frustrated must I waist my time trying to cast the demons out, dimensions unheard of thoughts whispering of a time and a place I had frequented with a lost soul inspired and conspired to be that which I was not. Warped halo burning my head, how will I make it through when the hatred burns within me so. Should I let it turn loose or ignore it for another century as it does it's internal damage beating the walls of my inner core, the warped halo on my head slips to the floor.
Am I good enough for what has been given to me, placed within my heart and feet, heaven help me to be what I need to be, see what I need to see, learn all I can learn and wake to a better tomorrow, disconnect myself from all that will keep me from being and feeling alive. My soul has been ignited by the fire in his eyes and the progression of her newly found determination. Will I keep up with the utter brilliance of their constant ingenuity, the graceful and flawless connection to that which matters in this world.
I do not mean to seem harsh nor uncharismatic, I just need you to know when to back away and step away when you hear the unfriendly change in my voice, realize that I do what I do have done what I have done by my own choice. Once upon a time I sought you out for approval in all I would do, that time is no longer that time is through. This world is mine, as my life and all within it, never yours to claim, it was never yours to make me feel ashamed of who I am.
I have looked away from you and feel so disconnected, yet my love and loyalty to you does not waiver, I disconnect myself not necessarily from you but from the religious rhetoric that has seemed to scar my mind, all the ones that have caused me to feel ashamed of living, feeling, breathing, being. You wait patiently for me to inch my way back to you, you wait patiently when you know, I know I could run there but my caution has disabled my every step, every move. I take steps closer and closer and fear you I will not.
I can think of letting go my desperate soul won't let me though the rage is always the greatest winner within me. I can fool myself and those around me, not a thing you do I will allow to astound me nor will I ever give it any room to grow. Desperate woman can you see what you have become has it been that long since you have seen who you really are, desperate woman don't you realize that it hasn't gotten you very far. Reach into the soul within you pull out the young girl this world once knew.
Everyday I am one more step closer to you, every day I feel more a part of you and you a part of me as though meshed into one, one that most people who see us and know us do not think twice about referring to us as such. I remember in the beginning as though it were yesterday being pulled in by you, what I saw in your eyes; the desire, the determination, the passion and above all else; the love, such love for a stranger, except now I realize I never was that stranger, we already were one.
I want to know that I will say all the right things to you, protect you, love you, guide you, keep you safe, keep you warm, keep you close always to my heart without smothering you, fill you all the support and encouragement you will need to build your confidence, to teach you the right way to connect with others, to see beyond the beyond, to take the time to have time for others, to find the importance of life, to live, to love, to grow, and to never stop seeing the world the way you do now; with love.
I wonder often what it is that keeps you from seeing who you really are, what is it that you think you will see why is it that you think that it would be nothing worth seeing. I know this world still awaits you, the salt that you are meant to be to this earth will cause them to thirst for more of what you have to give, more of what you have to offer. I use to believe that you needed to know what those things are before you can give them, I know now it is only yourself.
There are times like these I feel as though I am nothing at all, my actions, my words, my voice seems foreign to my own ears. I become part of the mundane activity of the world, the parts that seem unimportant, filling my time doing things that will not make a true difference and go to bed another night feeling unaccomplished, stagnant. I know there are things that I need to do, I wake every morning listing them in my head except my list is never conquered and so I wake another day waiting for me to make a change
The clock lately seems to have taken form of my enemy, a relentless competition that I no sooner will win at any time, I know this yet still I am forced to struggle and fight against it until all of the energy is exhumed from my body replaced with a feeling of complete and utter exhaust where by nightfall I am once again hopelessly defeated. I am at a loss for direction and purpose that would even provide me with reason that my struggles and desire to win this never ending competition with time would be nothing more than wasted.
The sun radiated inward bringing light and life to doors that led to wide open spaces, alas once again I have arrived at the doorstep of where it will all begin, what to expect, it doesn't matter for anything beyond this point is where it all is. The door is thrown open and we step past the threshold earnestly, courageously without thought or worry, yes this is as it should be, should have always been. We have each other, the three of us that is all that matters, the connections that we make past this point will be everlasting, affecting.
Standing here on solid ground I think of chances we dream of taking slowly moves into me now feel the ground beneath me breaking, father can you feel us falling will you come if you hear me calling, calling you to catch us and save us from the maniacal oppression that keeps us chasing the wind on our backs, the attacks of our minds our very own words filled with faithless emotion all that stops us from the fall for fear we're on our knees where we are crawling up and back again to the point of nothing at all.
Thank you for the laughter that you have brought into our lives, your laughter and the depth of your soul have already brought so much light and new life to worlds that were quiet and alone. Thank you for the beautiful and beaming smile that bring tears to our eyes and the life and love that radiate through yours. Thank you for the love that you show us with your eyes and your delicate touch that you have already become a mender of hearts with. Thank you for your determined wit that helps us to be exactly what you need.
Who would have thought that we still lived in a time where one would be persecuted, persecuted for loving, for living, for feeling. I would have never imagined that I would experience any such thing in this lifetime especially from those I had once trusted most, the very ones that speak "the word-. The only thing it has caused me realize is how small their god really is where for me he has no beginning and no end, he is beyond the beyond and bigger than our small minds could ever imagine, yet still they try and will always fail.
Had I expected too much from this woman when apparently there was nothing there to expect at all, what was once depth and sorrow I thought I had seen in her eyes turned out only to be nothing but insanity, what she had done to him the pain she had caused would never really be known to her, not ever. This soulless woman runs away, hides away, runs away like a terrified child, disconnecting herself from life in order to live her own. She will one day wake to the hell she has created that is her true life, loveless.
I observed her from above swinging on her swing, 7 months new to life and her whole world seems to be in front of her. With sleepy eyes and tired little hands she reached for the ropes of her swing, even during such a time of day where exhaust seemed to take her over she still kept trying to grasp the ropes, she would stop only for a moment and then try again finally getting hold of the ropes and bringing herself to a better position with a look of accomplishment, held on with two hands and drifted to sleep.
What is it that I am hiding from, I find ways to remove myself from feeling, avoid the pain that way. I cannot erase what has been or the feelings that frequently invade my soul keeping me from letting go. I hide from her, hide from it, from the past and into my destiny I wonder will it also be as hers the gift of condemnation passed on from each generation. What am I to do with this supposed gift of sickness, cowardice is the first thing I feel. What I am is madness, what do I do, the sadness.
My direction my path my goals my dreams were once again re-awakened the moment I looked into your eyes diving into the eternal depth of your beautiful madness, the passion that consumes you, that which you believe has eluded you, is you in every move thought or action you take. You have moved me beyond what I had ever thought possible, moved me back into realizing my dreams into reality. You have opened doors for me again, with your words that brought life again to the things I thought were already dead. Thank you for believing in me, seeing me.
I'm not sure how to feel about it all, the past the past the past, does anyone really know exactly what that does to a person, even when you think it has had no effect on you, here you are 30 odd years later showing and feeling the effects of every torment every time you were teased every time your feelings were hurt. I went through years of denial that anything as much as bruised even my ego, although I had taught myself to take every kind of pain, especially the physical now know the truth for now it resurfaces.
My reflection is not what I see. It is not what I feel it does not match my heart nor my scarred and sensitive soul. I asked you to heal me, take this thing from me show me the openings within me that will always keep me close to you, feeling secure from this world that has chewed me up and spit me out. I am opened to you to pull me in, pull me close safe from the cold and the violence that has choked the threatened the child within me, stop me from hating, I don't want it.
The tears rolled down and did not change a thing, my soul I poured out to you but it fell upon cold and def ears. I clawed and screamed in my padded box and you never heard a thing. I tried to change your perspective, allow you chance for your own deliverance yet you did not understand or hear a word I spoke. Different languages, no understanding yet when you spoke those universal words and said "I love you no matter what"I accept it gladly, still I'm broken but one step closer to feeling whole, tonight I will sleep.
What are we learning here during this time, this waiting period, time before the rest of our lives can begin. I ask myself this question frequently, I know there is something specifically here that needs to be learned before we can continue to the next place in our lives, the frustrating part is trying to figure it out otherwise we find ourselves walking in a circle ending exactly where it is we started, nothing ventured nothing gained. We can runaway from it all, leave now and start our premature leap ahead continuing our race on the treadmill, so we wait.
Some of us are meant for things far beyond what we know, what we surround ourselves with. For the most part the connection is good, it all it is, except that in most cases we end up using the connections we have made to our known worlds as excuses to get on to where we are going, where we should be. I remind myself constantly of the vastness of the world, the way that I felt when I was younger, having a desire and belief that I could a difference. I remember now, I can and will remember my place.
I am continuously called back to a time in my life I couldn't have been more than 5 years old feeling a deep sense of self, a deep sense of wisdom and trying hard as I might in and full of frustration with my infantile vocabulary to explain the depth of my thoughts to my older siblings. What was it that I felt then, I ponder the possibility of reincarnation and was it that I felt so moved at such a young age because I was much closer than to the person I may have lived in a past life?
I have tossed your poisoned apple You formulate denial, the haunting of your phantom has been long gone, vanished. Depressed by your truest emotions unfolding in sleep, You surrender to the deep. Devoured by the night, It is true, blue is such a wonderful color for you And I am lost again, unable to find my way I am surrendering to the unknown. Found again, I see my way home and am able to let go I surrender to what I know Help me let go I need to forgive Help me survive I want to live Help me live
It is difficult to continue to defend you when what all we get are empty promises, glimpses of hopeful dreams that may one day become reality. When will that reality be, is it silly of me to continue to believe all of your promises, is it childish of me to believe to have faith when I am so close to letting go. You make it hard to believe when all you do is dangle candy before our eyes like little children starving for the sweet taste on their tongues. I want more than just a taste. I want it all.
Today I saw a glimpse of death, fear of loss grips my throat, my heart - fear of greater loss even more severe the damage would erode taking over every part of blown glass that makes up my heart. Fears of losing her, words spoken, should they have been, I love her still regardless of the pain that was. That was, I need to remind myself of this. Letting go is hard, forgiveness even harder but I will, I need to. Fears of losing him much to painful for my thoughts to ever toy with, without him there is no me.
Focus on the good, the things done wholeheartedly with love, with special care. Look to that which no one really knows, no one really sees that now through experience I know. I cannot change her or anything that happened in our past and in hers alone, I can make a decision to look beyond the rough edges of her outer shell that has been beaten and battered and still find a pearl, if even a speck of one had ever existed in anyone I know that He has given me divine sight to see it, I just need to look.
He's ringing his hands, hopes she does not notice the tears in his eyes, he'd be lost without her and everyone knows this. In her pain she tries to make him laugh instead it brings an aching in his heart, he tries hard to smile. Keeps himself busy and pretends it's like any other day, he pretends he did not wake to the heaviness he felt, tries to shake it. He goes about his plans keeping her always in sight, the pain in her eyes is now choking him tight, unaware to her, he retreats Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœround the corner to breakdown.
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