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Funny how things happen. Starting one thing and finding that you’ve started another. I’ve met someone, recently. That’s something I never do.. or don’t do enough, I suppose. We look at eachother and we talk and my stomach is calm and my eyes are wide and I feel comfortable. I feel like I could do it forever. Coming home at 6 in the morning. Is this how it normally happens? Is this what other people do? Or am I just special, like they’ve been saying all along. And have finally found someone to be special with me. I can't tell.
Tired tired deer deer bored deer hmm. I hit a deer last night. While reveling in my new found connection with a fellow human. He tries to pick my brain. Come on tell me something what do you think. I wonder, is it that theres nothing there, or that theres so much I cant distinguish one thought from another? I feel blank. He said he understood he told me he was the same way. But that doesn't mean the questions stop. Why is that, how does that happen? I don't understand. ‘You would be surprised at my degree of uncertainty.'
I cant seem to get my hands warm. And it ends as quickly as it begins. Im so confused and so cold and I don’t understand how things happen. Its perfect then its not. Its him finally being straight with me or its his exgirlfriend fucking with me. I don’t know what to think and im so cold and this was the first time I let this happen why did I let this happen. I feel like a stab in the heart. My heart finally warmed up and let my hands be cold instead, and for what reason. Pain. Why.
So it wasn’t him after all. Life goes on, so they say. Tonight we went to le bec fin. My best friend came and we found ourselves in the bathroom dancing around to whatever that music could be classified as that you always find in bathrooms. Looking at ourselves in the mirrors, surprised our tomboy look could be transformed so, loving eachothers beauty. Loving the fact that we were actually at this wonderful restaurant leading the lives of some other people. Deciding this is what our lives will be like henceforth. Reveling in our happiness. Being friends. Liking a boy.
And just a matter of minutes later he calls me and asks me to come over. I went, knowing it was crazy and that I needed to get up for school the next day. But it was beautiful. So many firsts in one evening. The restaurant, the hotel, lying in bed talking. Falling asleep and waking up in his arms. Sitting around all day watching tv, wasting the day away. I think maybe this is real and that scares me but I guess it’s a step ive got to take. I just hope this is right, I hope hes it.
I feel so silly talking about it all of the time and even spouting about it on here.. but I just cant help it. It makes me so happy. To lay in your bed staring at a person and being oh so sad that they have to leave. Actually wishing they could stay there with you until the end of time. Looking over at the passenger seat of your car and wanting them to be there, now. All of these things ive never experienced before and it just seems so special, and so surreal. I cant even begin to explain.
I wrote him a letter and for some reason gave it to him. Theres a reason why I have such a stack of letters that I wrote but never gave. It was the same bullshit as always, here is the laundry list of things that can be found wrong with me. At the time of writing these things it never comes to mind that the whole point is some alienation ploy, but its suddenly become all to clear. He reads and says wow look at all this shit I don’t want to deal with this maybe nevermind all this. ccrap.
so depressed last night I didn’t even remember to do this. Heres one, lets hope it doesn’t happen again. I thought I got screwed. We figured it out and he said hes glad I have so much faith in him. Er. I want so badly to be able to let down my defenses but it just seems to be so incredibly hard. I saw the ring which I thought was quite good but most of the people I went with thought it was just horrendous. Great visuals in my opinion. Oh what am I talking about. This is maybe pointless.
I feel incredibly sad when im with him, and even moreso when im not. I can focus on simply missing him and wanting to be with him every second when we’re not together.. but then when we are I just take everything he says the wrong way and tell myself how much it isnt working and he doesn’t like me and I should just run away like I always do and its so trying. I just want to be in love. And loved back. And not have to worry about it and stress like I always do. I wanna live.
my best friend and I were just driving around, geting stuck in a parking lot, just having fun. She asked me if I like the boy.. not because she didn’t know if I did or not, but just because she wanted to hear me say it. Because its been so long and shes so happy for me. It just made me happy that she did as much. Sweet. For the first time in my life ive not only got a girl who is perfect and my best friend in the world but this boy that im nearly in love with.
were so close. He wants me to do something. Perform some kind of ritual or something to begin it all. That’s what hes had all of these times. I don’t know if he wants it out of habit and because that’s just what hes used to or if he genially feels like it needs to be that way. I don’t want to be like them, I don’t see why it has to be that way. But if its what he wants..ok. oh, if he could just help me figure out how. Doesn’t he see that ive never done this before.
he wanted me to sleep with him. He wanted to see me in the morning when he woke up. I tried hard, I really did. But after two and a half hours of lying there restless I decided to leave. I didn’t wake him.. left a note but still feel horrible. I suppose I cant be blamed really, though. That was one thing I didn’t include in my reasons for staying away. Sleeping in my own bed. His was kicking my ass. I was wide awake, can I be blamed? I need to sleep and bathe and act normal. “normal.”
Friday the thirteenth. Im not sure how I feel about such a date. Two of my closest friends have birthdays on 13s. my day wasn’t too horribly bad. Rather id say it was quite a nice day. Woke up, spent a bit over 3 hours getting my hair colored and it looks wondrous.. spent about an hour with my boyfriend and have loving conversation and laying together.. worked (eh), then saw one of these two friends who has been away at school for a while.. then typed up some notes I have to turn in tomorrow (eh). No complaints here.
i almost forgot to do this today. im at his house now.. hes asleep and i wish i could be as well. something about being with him.. i get this surge of energy happiness nonsleepiness that is tough to beat. hell be upset though if i go. 47. some wacky way his computer is word-less so im stuck counting these words out myself and its quite ridiculous. tonight he came to a family dinner. he was charming and they all love him. that scares me that im not like, i couldnt do the same for him with his friends. we'll see.
I was meant to stay over again. But didn’t. the feeling is upon me, full fledged. Pounding through my veins, runrunrunrun. I don’t want to, that im sure of. For the love of god, I don’t want to. I know I need this, I need to be with someone and have it mean something and last and know that I am able to do that and I will be happier that way. What kind of person has such trouble with these things. Do I like girls do I like boys do I just not like anyone? Someone please help me.
there was a fight of sorts today. it was really horrible and i cried sort of but it almost made me happy. somewhere in the back of my mind. ive never cared enough for so many of these things to actually happen. to have an argument over something. that someone did or said or didnt say.i think im getting better at caring as i go. with the last boy we had a fight. but it was right at the end, after we had broken up. this one wasnt so bad. it was this is whats wrong and this is how we fix it. and i cared.
bout a year ago or a bit less I suppose I realized that ive got this shit brain that doesn’t really learn things and im no good at things like history, which happens to be my major. And I got all upset and it was just horrid. And today I rehashed the whole thing only starting out in a different context and it wasn’t very enjoyable either. He wants me to tell him what I think about things. And ive got this brain that works with impulses and feelings and I couldn’t and tried to explain and couldn’t really. ugh.
we sat at my friends house drinking wine.. consumed 9 bottles. I had the most ive drank in forever.. which was only about a glass but I could feel it a little. And it wasn’t so bad. We went back to his house and it was a comedy as usual. Or rather.. the same as usual but I had a lot more fun with it this time around. Was a lot more comfortable. He falls asleep within a matter of seconds, its hilarious. I felt bad about leaving but he wouldn’t wake. He told me hes in love with me.
we sat at the diner..boy, me and best friend. Her telling about the fight that she and her boy had gotten into. I was happy that it was her rather than me, that that wouldn’t happen to me. To us. And we get home and there it is. A fight in the making. Its hard to always make the sleeping thing a joke. Why cant he stay awake to be with me for a little bit? When im laying next to him it’s the last thing I can think of. Yet somehow he falls asleep instantly. Does this mean something?
I havent spoken to him today since around noon. Ive called but to no avail. Im trying.. or have been trying all day to decide how much im bothered by this. I always begin to feel boxed in and have the need to be alone again. Surely I don’t want that to happen but better sooner than later, right? I come to the conclusion once again that its not just that I need to find the right person, its that im screwed up. Hes right, hes got to be. If only someone could show me the right way. Id follow.
I suppose because ive been with him so much and out so late. And because he read my journals. And ive been doing this. But I havent been writing at all. Which I need to do terribly, I have so much trouble forcing my thoughts into logical matter until ive thought them out on paper. I just drove around for a bit after leaving his house thinking of ways to break up with him. I don’t think that’s a good sign. I know hes super stressed and im super sad and running away. seems the way to fix it. Maybe?
god we came so close to breaking up. The day was pretty wretched I keep getting ditched by the best friend for her boyfriend. Out all day with the brother (good) then to his house and crying because of the best friend, because ive been unhappy, because that always happens when I fall in love with someone. Become miserable force them to be miserable ruin everything. We’re pissed: hes being an ass because hes stressed because im being an ass. And something happened and we made up a bit and maybe its ok now. He said don’t be sad anymore.
something happened to me today. I was looking at the world through my confused eyes like always. And then in all its fitful clarity, this world of mine showed itself the way it was meant to be. Sitting in the back seat of her car watching the beautiful retardation that only one person could pull off with a smile on my face. But what to do now. Leave the world as it is, uncomfortable but without problematical intricacy. Or try somehow to make myself heard and lose everyone. Lose the boy lose the best friend but be true to life.
my brother and I spent a while laying on the floor of the living room writing in our journals while everyone else watched a movie a few feet over. I didn’t want the brother to watch the movie because he had missed the beginning and it was a good one. So we sat around talking and he read me some quotes and then we just wrote for a while. It made me happy. Hes become interested in all of the good things in life. Wines rather than beer.. tea, reading, writing. It makes me happy. For him. Hes so great.
christmas was cancelled due to inclement weather. So we just laid around my moms for a while watching xfiles.. then I went home and cleaned for about three hours. I originally went home so as to sleep but it was hard to do with so many other possibilities. I called the best friend but she didn’t seem to especially interested in meeting up. We eventually did though, at our friends’ house. No so much because of a plan though. I called boy and some girl answered but we got cut off. No one answered when I called back. No word.
the boy blew me off again. Called after work as planned and no answer. Twice. We were all talking about it at the coffee shop and it was decided (by me) that its my fault because ive been mean. Cold. I want so badly to give him what he needs. Pain. I finally got to tell the friend about the revelation. I told him I think im assuredly gay and cried when I said it. I didn’t think that would happen. Im so confused I don’t want this life. I want things to be normal. Why cant I be normal?
someones birthday party. Cant stand places like that.. too many people, too much noise, alcohol. Boy got so drunk. I cried a few times I was so scared I didn’t know how to handle it. He opened the door while we were driving. spilled his coffee all over. I didn’t know if I was supposed to take him to the hospital or what. He said mean things. He had me take him to the diner when I had wanted to go home and sleep hours prior. Told the best friend hes in love with me. Doesn’t really act like it.
tonight was the break up, I suppose. I left and drove over to the best friends and he was on the phone with her, saying he couldn’t believe I hadnt called her yet. I hadnt the heart to let him know that I was there. He told he that he thought he had just broken up with me and it wasn’t what he wanted. Then he called me and my phone died. I should have called back but I thought that might lead to getting back together. Which I want so badly. But don’t think I can have. Everythings sad.
its like weve been breaking up for 24 hours. I don’t understand whats going on. He explained to me everything that I was feeling in a way that I could never explain it. But it was absolutely right. And it convinced me. That it was ok and I was human and he understood it and things would work. But am I to give in to that? Just because he understands why I do what I do doesn’t mean he’ll put up with it, does it? I don’t know im worried and confused. Just when I think its almost making sense.
I tried to take control like he wanted and said come over tonight and we’ll hang out. But then he calls and tells me the ex is coming over. My car died on the way home and my wonderful friends were there for me. Six boys walk a few blocks to my car, tell me whats wrong with it (fan belt) then proceed to push it a couple blocks and into a lot. Grand. The boy said hed help me but wasn’t there at all. I was bitching and all of the helping friends said they could have told me.
I called and called all day and he didn’t answer. I hung out with the best friend and her boyfriend and we ended up in town so we did a drive by of his house. Lights on in his room. I wonder if the ex was there the whole time. At our new years party everyone told me how much they love me and the best friend said she read my letter and is honored im in love with her and were perfect friends. Not only new with lack of boyfriend but new month, new year. Ill make it good.
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