voices
there's still not enough space & thing is you can bank on crowding&violence and in our community of 22 we have 4 who cannot tolerate proximity of any kind...you know them you've seen them on the bus or under the bridge they're the ones yelling wildly at you at the voices in their heads at god answeringdoingbattlewith the racket in their head and at once keeping you me god at bay but not the voices in their head

ontheotherhand when I said to sweetlorraine do you know that not everyone "hears voices" she said beatifically "ohh, I'm so sorry"

our community

to match the 4 who can't tolerate proximity ofanykind there are 3 who can't manage isolation of any kind and 3 who in turn are easy prey you know them you've seen them on the streets on the bus lost in their neighborhood the bony fingered blue haired thin skinned man who lost his wife the blind not yet fierce woman with a cane but no dog and the young girlorboy who doesn't know the difference between you&me between hers & notyours between kindness and brute force who hasn't yet had to learn the language of at theveryleast barter

our community
those living with having a most often chronic disruption of mood thought personality and or conduct the dsm-iv (diagnositc and statistical manual 4th edition) notwithstanding which is suffered interpersonally and of course intra personally which goes beyond the eccentric or plain pia (pain in the ass) and by economic necessity and legal definition in most states is measured by the extent to which by result of a mental disorder a person is unable to provide food clothing and shelter or is a danger to himself or others

and wanting treatment means you don't need it and versa vice

retrospective on towtruck adventures

he was kind himknowing&me not yet Fridayafternoonafter5 is a bad time them only running two trucks in the catchment for commuters who easy travel 70 miles each way & a line of cars stretched 40 miles back to TheCity and 30 miles north to SR & AAA's mandate being a response time of 30 minutes for pluscardholders and our being allowed a tow of upto 100 miles and me
having to be that 30 miles in less than halfhour to get a rental car to get the rest of the way home and
it wasn't going to happen

it wasn't the adventure I'd planned not that I'd planned one wanting instead simply togo tobe home my tits sore coming from behind to win but just by a hair with class of course plying our trade relying on our skills bypassing anythink smacking of brute force them or us but there it was the orange serviceenginesoon light which can be ignored but not so the lurching and silent but eloquent clunking and there I was on a towtruck ride along and depending on the kindness of strangers

put me in mind of our tuktuk&bemo adventures in asia
and trust

what made it such a good adventure was the parable ofcourse that comes out of it and how so nearly so readily each of us could simply have been the ciphers our parts to play in the encounter would have made us--me the dumb buick all about me now bitch impatient and condescending nottomention demanding lalala and him the towtruck shmuck there only to please&serve taking me for the ride the longway round and stranding my sorry feathered ass a long way from home with not a car in/sight & not even a sorrylady nevermind a pretty as I pleased

tits not so ground
there's another who thinks he needs more room that he's got...a menancer a jailbird posturer who uses preying and a hooded glare as a style meant to put you off meant to shout fuck you bitch meant to move you out of the way the sort that bumps into you making every engagement a line to walk, too close too intent and then it's a provocation too much lattitude then you're an easy mark but you know he didn't even get a blip on my hairfollicleraising meter he just annoyed the hell out of me

our community
the babies even though I don't do babies were well like babies are they were spectacular incredible miraculous really in their innateness and of course a work of art and it was an honor to take her down to visit with her twin babes now just more than a week old before they left to foster care until it can be determined if she will be able to care for them...her heart broke perfectly...mothering in itself not the problem
hers is a disorder of thinking and she knows it she just can't do anything about it

visitation
michael dropped in the other night tramp whore minister of all faiths not so much of a saint as he was made out to be at the end but that's understandable–anyway there he was fleshy fairfifty&fabulous in a silk of course nehru outfit full of mischief and bother and himself mostly on his way to a thousand places–taking the proper time inpassing to sweep me off my feet sothat we could share a sultry provocative tango and a steamy waltz with a jitterbug twist

he's doing just finethankyou don't wait up just thought he'd let us know, you know

easiest thing to connect to women, cause I see myself as one link in the chain she said, you?
wow that's a starting place it's the tree and river place the wind and moon place the it was only after men figured out their place in the chain that goddesses were replaced by Thegod that circles were replaced by straight lines but fact is not being somuch in to gender I have to clarify I mean people who are like women when I talk about women...and it is so about the chain and connecting & not so much about women

no foxy proxy here doxy moxy

who owns the way it is like when I surf I stand up whenever and however I want or not or understand dissent as patriotic or pleasure as prayer and godly as looking like me reverse hubris but narcissism just the same this wearing the badge bearing the burden of not making a difference why vote why say anything why trouble with an opinion worse than invisibility this giving up giving over ones breath right and the entitlement to voice and form and dominion

proxy be damned; by default one makes a damn difference

who owns how it is
so in ourmeeting a meeting where the value is collaboration and the purpose is a common goal who owns how it is and why wouldcould one be responsible for another's uspoken sense of how it (ourmeeting) should be and how did it come to pass that anyone is my keeper how is it that it needs to be said by way of ohbytheway rules that my needs don't supercede anyone elses or visa verce the point ofcourse being in ourmeeting if your needs aren't being met best & ofcourse you speak up plain and simple, yes?

fickle
that preferences are so readily upstaged by routines & we're no more sophisticated than the cats who again are upended by the bed being not so much back as forward in thebedroom our feet pointed in the same direction notwithstanding and I too still make way to the wrong room to fetch socks out of the dresser which is again in its rightful place in themasterbedroom which is signedsealed framedfloored and done the whole damn house remodeled from then to now--the pollyanna on the flood is it only took 7 years instead of the life of the damned mortgage

murkywaters
something inexplicably sensual about drawing being drawnin a thing meditative like beading in its attending to the minute (minutiae) & the watercolors a different splash altogether a decorum of another order my mind is clearing that abiding sense of arousal that borders on unpleasant that stands in as anxiety but could justaswell be excitement is dissipating...but damn if the insolubility of murky is defined by how slow the twain of the river & ocean mingle it's a while yet until the coast is clear

and there's no comfort in powell saying the us isnot thinking of attacking iran or syria

there and back
hearts minds change as do edges lines in the sand and even written in stone is a false idol for stones crumble crack tumble and round with the ins and outs of the tides the ups and downs of the river
going west we followed the muddy river out to sea it stayed its rampant course coloring the ocean brown

I walked the threshold the transition the cusp yesterday where earth land and sea water meet exchange where one becomes the other and nothing was exact

the beach was littered with jellyfish sacrifice storm prize and footprints

our community
so she came to the desk frenzied as she is when she's moved asif coerced finally to engage to talk to make contact the words exploding as if under pressure I've been touching myself and there's a lump in my vagina I want it checked out! by a man...you know
and knowingly we nodded silently waiting we 4 women until she'd gone back to her room before we laughed notsomuch at her but with her if she only could have & ofcourse she came back later saying she'd made a mistake everythingwasfine thankyouverymuch & nothing needed checking any more

it's not fair
he said asif it were about fair though itis about the letter the intent of the law I don't need to be here he said this a repeat of a conversation that happened not even an hour ago and anhourbeforethatandanhourbeforethatandanhourbeforethat & an hour before that holding a piece of paper that had already been superceded by another that gave us just cause to keep him for yet another 2weeks because he couldnot articlute a plan to provide foodclothingorshelter for himself as a result of a mentaldisorder but it's not fair he said I don't need to be here

the proverbial petard revisited

grasping at both poles because all good or all bad isn't getting it and letting he who dares throw the last stone I think these days of martha and mary of cain and abel of isaac and ishmael of jacob and esau of sarah and hagar of lot and hiswife for that matter of ahab and jezebel of adam and eve of paradise and snake pits of consistency's hobgoblins and history unlearned of idle hands and a stitch in time of
he who laughs last and bygod how we will on our own righteousness be hoisted

carpenters and ladies

asif I'm in love I'm looking for him now asif I were some damn tramp which is not to say I'm not but that's not the point see thing is it was a chance encounter of the best kind that could've been the worst kind thing is it was an interlude a byproduct of time&space and it became a mingling and that's not to say we have anydamnthing in common or that he's not young enough to be my son but that's not the point thing is it was the link the breathcatch of beholden to yousee

beholden to

a better than sex work around to imtimacy it's a strange and powerful thing that indelible yet invisible out of context inexorable link and now I'm put in mind of sal see and how I was going to save his life and how instead he saved mine and how somuch it felt asif we were in love which we were--but that wasn't the point--and how we didn't live through it but justlike he's of course still alive distance&time notwithstanding fact is to our horrorpleasure you got to know the joinder hasnot yet been cashed out either

our community

as these things go he's getting better and now I'm jumping him with daaang you're still here and he turns his face all thunderclouds and as if pointed and clicked he gets ready about and opens his mouth to exclaim but for an instant he looks and connects and sees that I'm teasing him and he starts to start smiling and doesn't because that would be asif to acquiesce and he can't not yet because he still thinks it's not fair and he doesn't need to be there but fact is as these things go he's getting better

and you he wanted to know

i feel rich ohdearme it definitely is spring isn't it renewal is on my mind newfound
i don't know it feels as if a stripping away of something is happening a simplifying somehow of vision idon'tknow i'm tearful but not sad thoughtful but can't tell you what i've been thinking writing with naught in particular to show for it but mostly i guess for lack of different words i'm feeling or moresobeing a friend or a medium or a wisewoman or a sojourner a nurse perhaps or maybe just someone who feeds the cats

bible as language as languaging

you got to understand by which I'm meaning I have to remember I grew up was born and bred and raised a devout practicing atheist which isnot to say there was not worship in our home or that we had no appreciation for or ready access 24/7 to the divine at the kitchen table in the basement on the front stoop but it is to say that my very liberal upbringing did not grant equal or any esteem for that matter to those who put stock in the bible or who wereare believers or thefaithful

all that by way of apology

the short version had been I feel for lack of a different word ohdearme blessed by which I mean...ohdeargod I'll have to think about that which is to revisit it was not fuck piss screw or sex for that matter in our bedrooms that sent our parents into tailspins but unfounded misplaced reverence blind faith adherence to dogma of any ilk insensible rules illgotten governance and god as reason or excuse for any damn or blessed--as the case is--thing none of which has changed but it is nonetheless an incredible vocabulary

beer chips dip and reading glasses

saying yeah we could get them when we went to the store and thinking it was funny actually busting a gut he said well there ought to be a hundred words in that only because they were for him wounded somewhat his pride not that he was getting older and couldn't see but that his needs could so easily readily simply be met at the goddamned local safeways for chrissake it being a full ego blow to be so damn ordinary so damn regular shelf stock so just another thing on the shopping list

bio revisited
so here I am again struggling reckoning with the bio comeon gig--a slow dance or a high heeled tango a strip tease or parochial school uniform a laundry list of accomplishments or slight of hand and glossy photos a soft sell a hard sell or no sell truth or dare trick or treat prose or poetry subjective objective creative nonfiction or fiction art or craft alchemy or science black tie or casual uptown or down high idaho or low california high class tramp or wholesome country urban or urbane east or west night or day--no idea

PenHouseInk Vol2reading
our rsvp guests were countrybrow artisans artists in their own right the jean cowboyboots chamoisshirt twinkle in the eye master of understatement types mixed with just the right amount of highartist divaship with an appreciation of the theatre of it moreso than the melodrama which isnot to say there weren't opinions enough to go around and of course ahem worship asin any way you want to look at it but it was neither obsequious nor catty, mostofall it was simply&graciously community
and each walked away with more than they brought
if only their own muse fired up youknow

reading as deliverance

and I was but one in a line of many and I thought of how many days of The Performance I'd been through and on the way out the door had the ritual panic thankyou dvora of do I have my glasses do I have my (music) book and yet was I enthralled with given unto the brooding
it's one thing to get the words on the page in their completeness their beauty their brutality and another to serve them with ones breath onto into the wafting ether/s to relinquish the in the beginning was the word

walking river talk
walking an edge of the river I've never walked before even though I just passed this way minutes ago and just before that and before that is a good reminder that after a rain there's always a river rising somewhere
picking up rocks I made a limit-of-three rule instead of any old ones that caught my want changing the cast of my eye and all of a sudden not any old thing would do
and a crow annoyed at his meal being interrupted again screamed at me in the same tone he'd used for the buzzard asif

pollyanna robbed
feeling a little sorry for myself truth be told a Wednesday combination of tired of being rousted back into the work week and of these goddamned headaches which are for reasons I don't understand back which are solike the spring-rain river insistent at least not this time like the winter-rain river relentless but they've better of me got just the same

the good news is the instant karma on the ADA grovel and even my being the best man for the job they got without the gun that I couldn't stand on my head fly to the moon