three words

he'd been an artsyfart but truth is he reminded her of richard chamberlain & he was straightforward

belonging is a touchstone a whetstone a stepping stone the beginning of order of self of not self of the difference between you and me but also the connection between you and me which somehow includes instructions but does not preclude after time choice

they'd sidled some thirty-odd years before and it had only scared her which she found thirty years later ironically amusing and there they were sidling again the old intensity revisited reinvented awakened truly they had been too young

we'd just been talking about him the man with his wife whose names we had forgotten whom we'd met some seven months before surfing he was beached his rotator cuff torn I still have his card Solotango had said maybe you could give him a call see how long the getting back into the water took and there he was (sans wife I couldn't help but notice now that he was back in the water but nevertheless) when we pulled in at salmon creek
daaaaang next we'll work on the million dollar gig
about 6 months I think he said

it's not that we've been together so long now that there's nothing to celebrate and so we find it hard to muster something special to do for our 24th anniversary it's just that we've been making celebration of our compatibility the tie of the ride it's been right from the very beginning you know ha totally apt metaphor now that I think about it the since the real beginning probably was when we hit the road the first time in a subaru station wagon having quit our jobs and our 1st marriages getting to know each other along route 66

saw him today was put in mind of him today asif he hadn't crossed my mind in a longtime which isn't true but thinking of him as prop as metaphor in the thousand ways the memory of him is self-serving is not the same as being put in mind of him as I was today and remembering him–I saw him today in a truck with a cowboy hat and it made me smile I hoped he was well my heart reached out to him to say hello to say I once did love you
but we too were too young

I collected some holey odin stones and will refresh The Bundle preparing for this surgery that I'm pretending I'm not having
back to too young not for falling in love but for the sustaining for the depth for the valor nevermind the discretion for having the breadth and the breath the room for two nevermind tea&sympathy or wine&roses
life I must say is so much less complicated without complications ...there are times I think I won't write him anymore because she blablabla and then I think holyhell I'll write when I'm so moved he'll answer or not the end

music:bennygoodman

my aesthetic is changing not in keeping with a season a tide but with the changing shape of bones (dear god) more allowing though not necessarily more tolerant
at a precipice I still see more than choice
love, as metaphor for change, like wind intangible ineffable but you know it when you see it
so I get that I tripped and maybe the shoulder dismantling is just the unequiovacality of having dumped the load and a priori there being nothing to not have noticed that will not be noticed
& to repair is a favorite place as well as a fixing

I'd have to say to my fellow assault review boardmembers and other interested parties that I've learned a lot and most from those assaults which seem innocuous, those passed forward with the allegation that it was nothing & not worth the fuss & paperwork those allegedly benign assaults where it is so apparent how that very sentiment attitude passivity recapitulates in full glory the very history the very denouement of the issue as it stands before us andso how we're foiled by the very tool of our knowing (betterthan best) which leads us to believe
we/I
do not need
to pay
attention

I thought to start the story in my musing with the missing person report and then promptly fell alseep and there she was at the kiosk at the precinct house her turn at the window and all of a sudden she was surrounded where before there had been no one now there was a sea of faceless watercolor vague people and the moment was filled with a numbing drone and his missing went unreported

I couldn't tell if it had been a bad idea or if, as these things go, the (not-me) I already has her own story to tell

high tide
sun in leo mars retrograde
full steam ahead backwards but nevertheless fact is nothing is replayed he wanted to know if he was off his rocker off the hook having inviting J back to his bed I said since he'd done obviously not but it must be about the river flowing by itself and in the meantime I dreamt lolly (and not me) was writing plays and checking with susan (and not me) for feedback and that oscar wanted to bed me and I said no and then he was going to go on about fuck you
sheesh!

whatdoyoucallit
there I went into the bundle emptying the bounty the plenty the wisdom blood sweat tears parsley sage rosemary thyme feathers and trees opening it to mischief to the air to today to temptation and just like that the center beading loosed needing repair and once again hands to heart head bowed it seemed a fitting act to rebead the eye of the sun's circle I smiled and was content to be reworking and recentering and reawakening favor and grace and abiding trust in come what may
ha already it's worked some of its wonder, it's just that simple

so all the receivers are on the hook the mill has been tread the weights lifted the altars dusted the courtyard swept the books balanced the sheets folded the wine racked books bought the bundle redone the date confirmed I am impatient

I am tired unused to the amorphous nature that has been my work in the last three months having been unaware of the energy conservation inherent in routine; has nothing to do with self starting or anxiety, just weightlessness is its own weight

imagine mars being the closest its been in hundreds of thousands of years right now

so did you tell maman they wanted to know, yes I did in a lalala by the way I fell a while ago and may need surgery sort of way and then we went on to other parts of the conversation somehow it being important for me to minimize the story the advent and to be settled with the difference between this time&last time and especiallyso since I'd sworn I'd never get on the table again & here I go anyways she called back a shortwhile afterward saying essentially nice try do you have a date for this surgery

aug18 1stcase

anniversary
twenty four years married still fresh as this morning but thankfully not new though not set either I guess it is always just taking place as it takes place and I appreciate how we don't need to take time out of our lives to celebrate our lives together puts me in mind of Bali and how daily and mundane how temporal was the splendour of the gods they worshipped so that all acts each act everything laughter dogs eating offerings was prayer and godly just the same

we meet for the first time every morning, we settle for nothing

she wondered if she was living life or running away from it, I marvel at how we fashion compartments set up these choices create these dichotomies these binaries as if it is all simply black or white yes or no on or off gay or straight man or woman god or goddess right or wrong you or me coffee or tea work or play to be or not to be that is the question
I for one think doubting thomas had it right there is no for sure there is always another light music: charles sawtelle tide: rising sprits: good

faith: trust or confidence
belief: firmly held opinion
dogma: incontrovertible set of principles
so I'm wondering what kind of realpolitik it was to codify the tenets of early followers of the christos(anointed one) wondering if it was a step forward or back wondering how it does not fly in the face of faith ah herein lies the heart of the disagreement between john and thomas, thomas believing that left to our own devices each one would find god and live life accordingly and john obviously believing we could and therefore would be led astray

and we were weren't we

down to the wire finally and at the last minute we ran into town to get pull up elastic waist pants sort of like the flood it was is hard to imagine all the different uses one puts her two hands two arms to so embedded is all that day in day out ordinary stuff that in spite of ourselves we take for granted; speaking of binaries indeed buttons zippers and eye goo going to be a definite challenge and driving computing writing making coffee opening jars eating sandwiches ha doing more than one thing at a time oh well

home again home again my fat hen again I marvel at the horrors of modern medicine and how inured we as providers have become you've got to be tough and stupid or maybe dogged and I remember why I said I wouldn't do it again–it's just plain hard yeahyeahyeah of course I will no doubt do it again when the need arises but like many other things it's not for sissies the faint of heart or the wishywashy no matter how relentless
I was well cared for and tended to by nurses doctors and the oneandonly solotango but double daamn

totems charms bundles prayers cards but this time it turns out to havebeen a pen with a multi-coloured string that goes around your neck and a barrel that seconds as a flashlight with lights which shine
red green blue
and red&green and blue&red and blue&green and red&blue&green and then as if a lighthouse beacon it cycles through all the colors

a great comfort in the dark and the doubt oh me of little faith
and in the beginning there was the word and the word was the light you gotto love it

goodgod I'm a mess as johnny would say

depending on the kindness of others strangers ornot is the poetry of humanness&humility of grace&bounty of poverty&community of receiving of needing of solace&the farreaches of goodness

there've been no strangers bearing gifts and gifts none so strange either lime pies burritos baths reassurance folded cleanclothes and a cool breeze riffling the leaves

reminding me that with only one arm everything takes twice as long andthat the nurses at our blessedlynot soouptown hospital knew I'd as likely piss on the floor asnot when I said I need to go pee so it was nowonder they said we'd beglad to help you

I dreamt I had a baby a child not so much that I'd given birth to one but that I had one and knew love for it and having awoken and gone back to sleep the dream continued as if uninterrupted went on long enough to insure without doubt an abiding sense of affiliation

I dreamt the man faced backwards and that no one took notice that no one was concernedwith either his huge flowing dress nor that his head faced aft
what do you have faith in he asked
me? I wondered
yes you
silver linings & clouds I replied

it being Thursday the Ladies of the PenHouse came having decided ahead of time to hell with missing the meeting even if I was into oblivion hied which I was not I was dressed in receiving clothes and even answered the door and then john called to see if I wanted a burrito brought and micheal called to see if I needed intucking and the good solotango called to see if I was ok and my other husband and second mother called just to say hey and musette dropped off fresh roasted coffee what more could a girl ask for

status, current
loving the synchronicity as is the way of these things I'm reading during my desert walkabout time Mary Called Magdalene by Margaret George the account told through mary as a woman of her times eyes sans agenda and an excellent conveyance of the story of the stories & on the other pole Beyond Belief by Elaine Pagels of gnostic gospel fame which is a conversation about the gospel of thomas of doubting fame and its difference and likeness to john's
mood: spawning
spirits: good
flesh: weary
music: classical
tide: flood
Sun conjuncts Jupiter
Venus enters Virgo
Moon enters Cancer

true heroes part 10
away I was going to chatter asking about this&that and then all of a sudden realizing for the fortyeleventh time how much body sense body wisdom he had and then understood that he was there inside my joint knowing just before I would have had to say enough that enough had been reached and realizing that I best join him dance with him shoulder to shoulder there in the shoulder my shoulder, where he was most welcome most comfortable and most honest it's his hands that give shape to his heart his voice otherwise too loud

hill of beans
don't tell me your gaydar is gone he'd said, if I start dating again how will you find me the perfect mate by the shape of his heart I said we were talking about gay or straight not being so much of a distinguishing characteristic for me anymore gender as I look around admittedly no longer on the list for me of who I may or do find attractive of course that having been said I promptly asked him if peter was gay well he's married he said as if that added up to anydamnthing in particular

true heroes part 2: physical therapists
so I fell in love with another one of the peacemakers deliverers redefiners of fealty and loyalty between self&body and he took my arm ever so expertly firmly and gently and put it through its paces through it's not so much field as range and it didn't break or fall off or come undone or even hurt too terribly much and so now I dangle it on my own with reckless abandon and even slip off the leash I mean sling every so often–never noticed how solike a purse or bra is said sling

so after the post-op visit in the category of having some healing fun we went gay shopping of course stopping in on our way to Dandelion--which sells as they themselves say everything from a glow in the dark st micheal which of course we bought two of to $5000 couches and prompts one to notice aloud how nice, nice things are--at the ribbon store which transports one to another realm altogether putting one in mind of buttons and beads and sugar plums not to mention times gone by one could see without too much trouble the strings attached

so I hear myself having reminded legions before me that everything takes practice and that we're good at our daily life in somuch as we practice it daily it's been only 10 days and I've already forgotten how to go to The City and I find myself feeling shy and country cousinish and get this out of style though I'd guess none have disconnected
today's the first post-op visit and for all of it even yesterday sort of bluish the blush having worn thin I washed my hair in the sink one-handed by myself and needed no extra pain meds

the oddest part was havinggone to the hospital where otherwise I work in a less than clear asin drugged state of mind cloaked in woeful self-absorbtion that is so not consistent with being able to do the work we do asin that kind of mindset would get you killt or at the very least trampled hazed scorned and otherwise upended in ways that only those who are not stupid but fox crazy can
so the ohsocute surgeon has given me dispensation for 2handed typing and arm flapping so now as a writer and good easterneuropean I can start expounding again thanksbetogod

yesterday's victory was my arm raised over my head gads if that wasn't like spring cleaning and finally getting the bags out to st vincents
and I'm back at the thankyou gig and what it feels like thanks for folding the clothes thanks for repairing my shoulder thanks for giving me back my body thanks for filling the hummingbird feeder thanks for driving me to the appointment thanks for getting the groceries thanks for coming thanks for going thanks for asking thanks for being there thanks for your kindness
ah the upstairs downstairs of thanks be to goddess et al

so the ten day mark comes and goes and now it's settled by and large into the more ongoing aggravation it will be for a while the surgeon's work done mine just beginning and I begin to remember the stuff they said most likely I would forget the horror the flipside of the wonder of the local block they did on my shoulder to lessen the amount of general anaesthesia I would need from a pain management point of view & I remember waking and asking--having no damn sense of it as in nodamnsenseofit at all--where is my arm

mary magdalene revisited

so it's the advent of michael's weekend and I remember back to the yearago not to the dying but to the died how we micheal&paul&I were blessedly otherwise busy or resting more like it and in our absence he as would have been his wont the penultimate impressario that he was exited centerstage and how as the night wore on it was just us kids chickens disciples that waited into the dead of night for Them to come get Him

and how at the last minute we ran to pick flowers from lolly's garden to adorn him