so if I got to I got to
it's been a week since I saw The Physical Therapist because the Utilization Review Division of the insurance company that does Workmen's Compensation needed extra alms for the bowl before they would okay it which they didn't without extra phone calls and until the last minute...the point being maybe he didn't need my 2 cents since it wouldn't have covered shit got to say sheepsihly mostly I kept the faith not to mention ahemmmm that at this (novel writing) juncture 2X a week wasn't imminently more convenient ha! I'm so fullofit

on my mark get set went and writ a novel for godsake in a month fuckingawesome it was a dimensional world that started with a single character and an idea and an event and then it multiplied and divided and did whatever it is that cells do cleave and cleave to differentiate become hearts and livers and neurons and beget and on the thirtieth day I rested interesting astimewent on how I learned all I needed to do was show up and transcribe interesting astimewent on how I learned that I needed to stepback so I could serve the storyline

interesting that the process, the write a novel in a month did pointed out exactly what it was meant to do to be the quintessential get overyourself exercise past the wrong pen wrong time can't do this don't know how need to go to the grocery story never did this before to the commitment to the willingness to the risk to the fun past tired nothing to say I don't know what the hell is going to happen next this is shit to just showing up and writing and writing and writing and writing and writing and liking it a lot

back to work and already there is scuffling&bullying and justmakingsure aligning&herding going on asif I were trying to get one over on asif I were having too much fun asif I might be pulling something off asif I might be a terrorist of the defrauding kind and in this time of no one knows exactly how it will turn out there is vying afoot for who's the fairest of them all who is the best littlegirl in the world, and it is just this that gives grist to the women can't cut it at the top feedingfrenzy god help me

I missed the morning's poetry and coffee the pas de deux of the red geraniums and the yellowing leaves on the maple nevermind that I tookover the day that I reshaped the evening and traded 100 words for 2000 and plumbed the pleasures of populating a world nevermind that I learned to fly in the face of can't nevermind that I wrote a novel nevermind that I know I can nevermind that I finally learned, finally know not so much what poetry is but what it isn't

on the other hand it was damn fine poetry to write a novel

like weeds reasons whynot why I haven't why I'm too busy or not inclined pileup and I lament&whine instead of showing up and the poetry goes on without me goes on unnoticed asif it were too hard too inconvenient asif laundry is poetry enough or tired trumps creative I know better and I miss my spot on the line more so than in the line-up

leaves like hope in a pile
under the oak tree she parked
her carts full of cans that will buy supper and
carefully culled a single red maple and a brown oak
for the centerpiece

so home again home again my fat hen I remember I don't mind don't begrudge having gone forward to work don't begrudge the work to be done I'm just sorry not to have the same amount of time at home but I have to say&moreso remember it is the politics that is killing the privilege of power and worse the hiding behind the skirts behind the pretense of powerlessness as if it gets them off the hook...in the face of that I must remember to point out the obvious...the problem is

I don't feel as powerless as you

so I was complaining about being tired and cranky and presto bango bam loading wood into the fire fiddlefarting with just the right piece, now that of course I don't need to find just the right pen or paper I upset the pile and fuckin busted the hell out of my toe as in kilt it dead and now the nail is purple and on ice or rather under frozen shelled edamame and I'm into the wind with my second glass of petit sirah too funny but the shopping is done
and I'm wide awake as you might imagine daaaaang

scuttling keeps coming to mind leadership styles lying in wait to ask as a nurse with thirty + years of experience at the bedside as a teacher an administrator an elder not to mention my own abc's what is it that they expect from their henchmen or in this case more aptly their wenchwomen who godfooledthem seem to be modeling seen but not heard and worse giving over a mind of their own having bent over so far it's their own damn asses they are kissing

they lay down impertinence I raise and call with too old to be in trouble

titles as much of a pain in the ass as bio's a catchy phrase a synopsis a preview a recapitulation a hint a joke a trick a non sequitur
dirty ears; moving parts; miracle junkie
delight of recognition
a dangling participle
too windy to rain
solotango
stepping up is a style
the edge of the world is fluid
pleased as punch lines
poems by judi
in time to my footsteps

they shouldnot be clever, certainly not more clever than the poems themselves

dressed in black
never wore white
it is a toot a punt a holler a lie a seduction

talking riverwalk
walking rivertalk
freedom of imperfection
useful for barter
another thing learned
all writers are robbers

catchy, a riff, yet another metaphor esoteric general mundane provocative welcoming who the hell knows themysteries

in the meantime for god's sake they've knighted mick jagger and ain't that a tribute to how old we are or the price of being bought or maybe simply to tenacity and short term memory and all the water under the bridge notwithstanding the first person that came to mind to share the he who laughs last with was he who is laughing now with someone else

so she got without my having to say so directly that I'd rather she didn't drive at all why she asked and in a flash of reframing genius I was able to use her words, it just seems I said as silly a risk as standing on a chair though I understand it mediates independence she allowed that she would atleast think about it I& allowed that she was a big girl and in the end would do what she wanted
in any case she hooked herself up with handi-transit for the next several months because of her bum leg

it's a funny thing this offering this offering up and it runs its course I look at her staples buried in her arm, and like hobo sign they've left marks for one another about cutting tools the paper towel holders have metal springs you can detach and of course the magazines have staples who even bothers with the plastic knives though in a pinch...and I'm most aware of how little it is up to us, aware of providing temporary sanctuary is perhaps the best there is to offer and see that it could be as empty as offering jesus

though really I was thinking about My Physical Therapist who I miss in between times who I see all over the place, that is am put in mind of by the sound of someone's voice or a laugh or a comment, and realize that it, the intimacy the profound proscribed intimacy that at one time I couldn't imagine how I would live without runs its course has its place takes its place and yet even over is never over and I still struggle with the boundary with the exchange with offering with ohdeargod what it means or how it works

in relationto comes up at this time of thinkingof and thumbing through address books and lists that stand in for ghosts of xmas past & damn if I still don't look forward to MyXHusband's card that he has steadfastly sent for the last 25 years and damn if it never is what would have wanted, I suppose a cogent reminder, but I was thinking of being back at work a vast and treacherous shoal the politics there of relating to the feints the layers the traps the mines and I realize that's what paints everyone there that gray color of dearth

how are you I ask in greeting I couldn't be better thankyou he says enthusiastically with unwavering eye contact and thankyou for asking he continues heartily and I was taken by it but the shill chilled it was an artful dance designed to smooth and move one right along to be huge in the moment and unremarkable and forgotten in the next he talks a good talk he'll rise fast and be a leader among men
he will fall far
the other one who still is uncertain when he answers has a warm heart & will be a far better nurse

the pushpull
the pull: an odd invitation it was full of distance her spirit seeming weary&angry her letter in its attempt to connect evermore disconnecting
the push: you want to come, if what we're doing is something you're willing to contribute to hellyes, I'm noteven sure whyorwhat orwho you're asking, youknow...but if you really can't be bothered, orwhatever, please don't bother...but then, none of this is new...and I say again, I feel afraid for you, please be careful and I love&miss you and can't wait to gaze into your blueeyes and run my fingers

so he came home with a shittygrin saying boy was he ever trashed his leg hurt like hell but his neck wasn't broken so he was happy and we reviewed&renewed the understanding–he wouldn't come in with a broken neck he who lived an active based on his body life, mewling more than once about the indignity of aging&wear&tear, wouldn't live with grace and a broken neck–sothe advance directive was logged and is herewith made public–don't save his ass if his neck is broke that understood we made atoast to your leg that hurts like hell but your neck ain't broke

there's something very against the flow working christmas eve I always hated that more than working christmas day which is a whole other thing a whole other community a whole other club but there's something very much like being the hired help working xmas eve and even christmas week so I've taken to taking that time off, can't stand the pervasive can't be bothered not my problem don't ask don't tell brand of disrespect–so fuck em if they can't take a joke and merry christmas
like I'm way too much of a princess for that shit and baruch atah adonai

interesting this time of thinking of people who have touched my life one way or another and how much more I understand that now...thank you johnnie and of course my tumor comes to mind but I think it is also a function of age of undulating of near and far and the twain in fact meeting and I think of doug and becky and chuck and loy and liz and barry and bob who is now called mose I think of the ebb and flow and those who are willing to rewrite notso much the past but the future

we've been living with his dying all our life and now as it gets close--he is diminishing which is but of course another phase that could drag on for years depending on his stubborness which is legion and quantifiable--it looms as a huge loss even though it is in concept only he who was our father long since having gone but just the same the wheel hasn't turned and in that sense we are not fatherless
so we gather for the first round of celebrating I hope
no sadness before its time
the ghosts wait in the wings

a perfect gray gray day rain thick as fog thick as rain a nap waiting to be taken a book waiting to be read cats of course in&out in&out annoyed at the inconvenience errands done house quiet christmas tree in the corner all lit up hosting the season the menorahs in the opposite corner a perfect counterpoint
and I thought by now I would be editing the novel
I am not and have no idea what I'm waiting for no idea why I'm not picking it up right now on this perfect gray day a book waiting to be read

it's another gray day and I picked up the novel, actually took it to be with me last night and like all good books it put me to sleep this morning I sat down with post-its, not wanting to redline the only copy I have with today's feelings about it that might change tomorrow...it is daunting it is good it is spotty...I've got no objectivity at all
bring it my mother says let me read it-–I've always been in on these things right from the start I love the proh-cess she says as if it were two words

the transitions are impatient are my kind of leaps from here to gone from settled to out the door not tarrying with goodbyes which are about staying
I keep wanting to say I don't know how to edit the damn thing but that is so neither here not there and it is good I keep saying as if I need reassurance fact is it is good and it is in the rough and I need to give it over to the process yes that feels a little better
give it over to the next round of come what may, amen

so they called to say thanks for the wonderful gifts and just the same wonderedif I'd (we'd) sent towels waywonderful egyptian cotten towels because I didn't think theirs were good enough and totally missed the calendar packaged perfectly in a photograph paper container thinking I'd sent photograph paper because I was displeased with the paper their photos in the bathroom were printed on...deargod I didn't know I was that much of a bitch

meanwhile I'm getting a better sense re-reading the novel as in TheNovel of what&how to go ahead with from here, yesyes go aheadwith from here, totally lessdaunting

so she'd asked if I wanted to be a manager or an administrator and I said I'd done that already and that I was no longer willing or able to put up with the politics of that the co-opting and packaging of things unpalatable and the rendering unto caesar and that I found our particular administrators as a group singularly lacking in courage never mind conviction and that I had much more control and power as just a staff nurse given the coterie as it was now configured
not to mention that my husband is already up their butt sotospeak

here we are at 2~4&FairDoran billed today as 1~2&poor intimating nodoubt the end of the world is nigh and thereheis Buttclose with his new stick(ITC) and me stillbeached first time since TheNovel ...and damn if he wasn't stylin' all the way to the water light on his feet butshe's a fickle bitch this break touchier than any highstrung whore waves waiting for no man lust&greed definitely reaping what they sew...whitewater was my 2¢, but he went aswouldbe his wont after the big one

sohere's to his leg that hurts like hell&his neck that ain't broke
yet

it seems one thing to rewrite the scenes on paper and a whole other order to sit down at the keyboard and commit...that still seems daunting somehow...like moving a wall though we had already learned how movable walls are how moveable things thought to be unmoveable are it all being in the eye of the beholder and a sense of possibility and faith in the deconstruction of change so in the meantime I've regained my footing enough to send it out to the first round of friendly but stalwart readers

the wind is blowing the bigassrains are coming

so I get that I mistook the sense sometimes of discomfort for bad writing and not beingon and then getting impatient and writing badly because I just wanted to the the hell out of there and not understanding at the time that it was the inherent discomfort of the scene itself so I go back now realizing that I chickened out and knowing that I must re-enter the time&place show up and experience it again so I can rewrite it
and I get that I need concretely to yank the scenes out of TheNovel and start on a blank slate

my flashpoint is half way for good or ill and she's missing the half way point it came to me as I was fiddlefarting with a reluctant fire adjusting the mix and availability of fuel and air and finally getting it just right I was rewarded with a yellow flame not the maybe I will maybe I won't tease ambivalent blue which is precursor which is not yet there which does not provide any warmth nor light but can burn you just the same as if it were the real thing–no no she's not anywhere near her half way mark

the end of the year posture

will be spent with maman two of my brothers and my niece an altogether new constellation of players
I want to take The Novel but it is so heavy, she whined as in oh you got to be kidding get over yourself
chances not to be missed
chapters coming to a close, I already miss him, MyPhysicalTherapist though truth be told I wasn't there the last time I was there and he knew it, called it called me out and I didn't budge
&the river hosted the bigass rains without overflowing her banks thistime