so he got right away and with hardlyany prompting that the something new was as I'd suspected that a littlepiece of bone had brokenoff and was roving around in my knee--paul's whatdoyoumean detritus is floating around notwithstanding--and eventhough thegooddoctor was fittingmein he had time for the poetry&bloomings of it and moreimportant he understood that eventhough he'd give me anothercortisone shot it didn't mean I couldshould go back to work, I'd been worried about that

but goodasheis he knows that my knee is on its last leg

& in the VisualAids dept I have a temporarilydisabled placard for the car

one of the risks that they don't mention is the insomnia that goes along with a cortisone shot but as it turns out I did sleep long enough to tap into my ambivalence (which still surprises the hell out of me) about working or not working as the case may be as a nurse...she was going to walk the beach looking for inspiration–related I think to trying to tap into the source code for my novel–and I said an emphatic no, walk the halls (in the hospital) instead and the whole lot of us wizened battleaxe nurses teared up

ain't even a wall immovable

I couldn't find the groove but I was looking in the wrong place with the wrong headset and feeling trapped by the characters

bymycharactersforgodsake

as if they were static as if like a wall they were immovable as if they'd learned nothing in the stew of change and then I ratcheted it up a notch from flippant insouciance to ambient conflict and daaang the possibilities came marching in and I found myself excited

thehallmarkwhore amos sophie grazie LPinto dondiego surfD jose pioquinto de la garza and the straightsister conflict character as yet unnamed but sensed

I know what it's about but not how it will lay out or down but since when did that stop me but, but I don't know the leading lady yet that could be a man for that matter yet, yet that's how the other one started following the concept, so if the last one was is about change this one is about conflict: battle struggle ha variance dissent enmity nevermind hostility differ as in to be in conflict ha an incompatibility between opinions principles;latin conflictus–a contest-- set perhaps around the not able or not willing quotient, yes I thinkso

it's about arrogance thecouldbe capricorn flaw of all knowing and following critical judgements like the following sea and the karma of being hoisted eversoslowly&resolutely on ones own petard
haughty chesty not lofty which seems to embody a sense of integrity and perspective noble mindedness as opposed to self importance sniffiness disdain ah yes disdain and the following pooh-pooh
she's not pretty but she's a style which includes a cute that no longer becomes her not to mention her station nor role if you will; it's about women it's about power

it's not clear yet if it may actuallybe about comeuppance

how am I he wants toknow

what comes next he wants toknow...how are you doing with this...asawife...he wants toknow asif those are the same questions and I'm dumbfounded, as I sometimes get, when I'm not sure what the question really is evenif it's my pick given how wide the brushstroke is

sothen he says well what are you struggling with ahh...well I'm moody, asin a variety of, but notstruggling asinnot pushing theriver it's flowing justfine byitself but
anywayyousliceit I'm hobbled & asIwould say being hobbled is hobbling...aah,so

I'm hobbling
hitched inthe getalong andyet I'dhavetosay
I'mjustfine, tyvm

how quickly I forget of course I don't know the main agonist the pro tagonist it she is what I'm exploring and still easy for me to say less comfortable to live with though in my sleep I'm haunted by her I hear her name libby billy libs and yet when I add a last name it seems less certain
she is married but has a girlfriend she is 48 went to oberlin or reed she is born in december
she is trouble lord knows

in the meantime there's a pile of wood in the backyard justwaiting to be stacked

infusion
in my dream in my sleep I catapulted out of bed
in my dream micheal&I were hanging iv's and fixing up the new light pen and my mother was there helping out the others
in my dream someone kept saying black and white and gray no other colors as if it was to be a grand experiment
in my dream it was confirmed libby has no last name libby isnot who I thought she was she is The Other with the burnt umber skin all bones at right angles

in my dream I slept really well
&bygod I did

thing is he stutters and it calms me

leaves me patient and unhurried absent my wont or proclivity to interject and otherwise interrupt
bud or chimein and leaves me
able to wait my turn, to listen
leaves me with all the time in the world, leaves me trusting in the season of all things

thing is he stutters and it stills me settles me thing is he stutters and it allows me to catch my breath andfollow it in and out

perfection is overrated
and would be if you had only three
a perfect waste
of an otherwise good
wish

I'm into the no sleep zone of my cortisone shot so I wrestled muchofthe night with kit drayson until she re-emerged as thea peters figured out how to wrap up the art award winners from 2-4 and fair and will begin with amos and grazie in bed watching an interview with maggie and the sf foundation during which they'll announce having commissioned LPinto to do a mural and inmyface is yetanother wrong side of the fence theme-rant for those who think their stink don't shit & it's allabout everyone except the generic me; but it does
color you blind and wrong

with all the talk she'd been doing about projection it comes as no great surprise, I guess, that I dreamt that priscilla was leaving, and that everyone was saying how surprised they were that I was so surprised--which of course I wasn't
just saddened--but
the good news is that must mean I slept if in fits&starts but I'll take it

maybe the damn thing should be called outsiders and therein is the conflict you know between the insiders&outsiders
and libbiewhoanswerstobillie is not notsurprisingly who I thought she was, though she remains a spritely libra
to thea's pedantic capricorn

in the it's easyforyou tosay category though I'm totally hobbled today, it seeming I snapped yet another piece of my ohso friable bone, sothat I cannot venture past the front stoop I'd be loathe to I am loathe to imagine myself being wheeled down to micheal's to see the new siding
it's one of those another vision of me things I can't quite get to
gads it starts again with embarrassment; well lets see from portuguese baracao "halter"-- though I was thinkingfeeling awkward selfconscious ashamed as if it were some moral failing, but maybe I just don't want to explain

during the feel sorry for myself times I'm struck just the same at being part of an affluent society crowd & remember how many lastlegs we saw unrepaired when we were traveling in asia yet another example of waste not want not, though I mustsay there's no debate who has the greater disdain–sniffiness–when it comes to disability or different ability or difference or forthatmatter quality of life and death

we have no money where our mouth is
no christ in our christian

I never realized how much I walk from here to there in the course of sitting on my ass

a serenity tea set on wicker basket with chinese teapot and two fit in your hand cups, a once you see it (you) can't turn away pendant with a turbaned fossilizedbone woman in the stars moons saturns holding a moonstone that really is mother of pearl crystal ball a crow's feather a desert rock with turquoise veins and that damned topaz ring; the healing bundle fashions itself

the only thing wrong with the surf today was I was on the beach, drawing for chrissake, and though it is incredibly sensual, it just ain't the same

nomatterhow you look at it

Lady Hallmark was thinking of TheJibberJabberSisters as he made his way to HospitalTown, he smiled. They were sisters, couldbe twins couldbe oneperson except they decidedly made thrice the racket one person made, nomatter how paranoid or loud TheVoices they heard. He couldn't remember when or who had first quitecaptured them that way, but just like everyone knew immediately who steelwool was, without further explanation everyone knew who the jibber jabber sisters were. They came as a pair, so when jibber was sick jabber was given the bed next to her. Anyway, he realized they'd not beenaround in the last dayortwo.

as usual Amos McDuff was acting like he was some damnbigcheese as if the lady'sman routine were just the damn ticket as if he were going somewhere and LadyShe of TheMoment would be comingorgoing along as if there was a would be, while surf D Minister of Transportation of The Church of the Holy Wave getting a bigass kick out of justwho was the bigger ass and chewing over who actually rode who, rolled over in his stall & brayed, and for the hell of it kicked over his bucket of oats making sure ofcourse to leave the blessed surfboards unscuffed

libbie&thea
so it happened again, the getting to know themher see herthem develop themher from inside inrelation to the other, to each other, incontext
the trick the magic is (wastofind) the portal was trusting theprocess was remembering that I would gain entry into the story by listening andbygod I heard libbie say you have the arrogance of a consultant and there it was I grabbed the ring and yanked the edge of the hankie that turns into a hat full of rabbits

I love how I couldn't sidle up to her in the wrong place, talk about reality orientation ha!

"...if you're going to be good, she retorted,"you have to get your hands dirty...it's not as simple as the utilitarian idea of the greatestgood for the greatestnumber..."
"...well it's a start"
"it's barely a lifeboat start...and at this stage it's asif...what about individual rights, the right to be treated as we choose forinstance, or what about...is it fair, for chrissake?!"
"what wasn't fair?"
"we're not all equal"
"Karl Marx?"
"how about Aristotle?! equals should be treated equally and unequals unequally, or Marcuse who always said, the most unequal thing is the equal treatment of unequals..."

the hummingbird sits unabashedly in the bare maple tree just outside the window taunting entertaining ormaybe because it's apparent now and closer to the feeder, the cats took notice just as I did; each with our own interests in mind
it's no wonder that countries with socialized medicine can afford to ponder disability as a social problem rather than simply as a medical problem afterall health is a vital resource while here we blindly stilltreat illness as a commodity to buy&sell; everyone with their own interests in mind
yet how simple&elelgant it is inthelongrun to make doorways wider, for instance

so now why did christ die I was thinking of why we how we choose others to care for us and how I wasnot in fact a mother and was infact demanding in my caretaking haughty as the goddess not any longer, asif I ever did, tendingsimply to the mewling of a battered soul it's the disability thing revisited; there are still expectations not of the disappointment variety but of the aspiration subset christ as an offering like the holly&oak kings before him making way for what comes next not what has come before
not for my sins he didn't

Thea almostredhaired fleshy breathy with impatience inherently disappointed canbe provoked into a kindof humor even about herself though it's a stretch seriousness belies her good cheer, could be anxious though she covers it with a layer of professional demeanor...a coating of image
a minion ofsorts a divorced capricornsadduccee

libbie lighter mostly bones beautifully shaped head long neck could be would be blonde closely shaven hair angular face a diamond in her nose long elegant fingers a tatoo asif henna but not on her dominant hand of a labyrinth surrounded by asif in an englishgardenflowers
a field anthropologist a librapharisee

so I decided, after several nearmisses in the maybe I don't want toexplain vein, to walk aroundtheblock and nearly ran into billy but into vince instead who inspite of thecane invited me upstairs to look at his newlyrenovatedkitchen, &afterwards tenderly but without ado helped me downthestairs and I offered that my next healthadventure was tobe a new knee people love them living, he said, with pain has tobe a strain if you need anything let me know & I think of lemonade at the halfway spot once I takeup walking again

it's between the lines that is bangon nevermind the showingup

this wasnot going she thought picking out nina simone does the blues according to hoyle at all not that she was an according to hoyle gal but there were rules or more accurately in this particular situation there was credibility and if she was going to be getting all righteous on her though she could think of other things she'd rather get all over her she'd best be minding her own p's and q's which is to say she couldn't jump her bones as long as she was an imformant ohhweehonee if that weren'tafine kettle of fish at the veryleast

so eventhough libbie is knowing for herself and TheLady H is talking up a storm the stalwart pain in the ass thea is still playing it close her head stuck up her capricorn ass ready at a poke to spin in righteous indignation but not much of a starter or maybe just a slow starter ohmygod maybe she's tied into the damn topaz Iwonderif amos can defrock her though certainly she'd be sniffy with him fact is it really is libbie or ladyH his self who would knock her off the glitterednoisome throne that only she believes is rightfully hers

the language of estrangement in exchange for sin, willful ifIplease estrangement, which I can go for and fits nicely with the concept of forgiveness as resuming relationship with or to as the case may be and that forgiveness is a steady state it being our recognition&acceptance of it that waxes and wanes...I still can't believe given all the possibilities that it gets spun and playedout in terms of punishment of the mundane variety as opposed to redemption of the divine variety

in the meantime tomorrow I start 3X's a week prehab at the outdoorpool & the insurance tango is underway

so he as many would have wouldhavedescribed the bunch as old ladies and as often is the case it would have been to miss the point and to be fooled thinking you can tell a book by its cover or the man by his color or gender by her penis the thing is it's none of it that simple so with pride was I one of the bunch of old ladies at the swimming pool this morning pre-habbing ohfuckingaye yes and for those of you who can't see past your nose, well bust be lookin' out cause you're being leftbehind

outsiders
a distinction of class of belief of casting of perspective of luck of standing of seeing of gestalt of foreground of background a style a dynamic sothat one is neveralways inorout one is always in&out not being able to have one without the other we are our brother's keeper and insideout bangs around in my head an inverse clique in with the outs I thinkof hippies of goth I thinkof mutilation as an artform and out becomes in or mirrors or describes or gives shape to...explorations in spatial logic...and relationships and I thinkof escher and my buddy mobius

it's their hearts the spirit residing there I notice the most the endlessness of possibility of endeavor of dreams of reaching out to conquer to share to be part of to contribute& stalwart with the somewhere of having to be &the forward of having gone there &the abundant resounding goodness before or after whatever it is that may divide us first we are pollys or bettys or marys of the mother or magdalene variety but we are women with a twinkle in our eyes and we are an ilk and I am of them and they are of me
amen

on my mark getting set
so it starts with sophie and amos on the phone; and amos and grazie in bed; and the announcement of the street art winner; and there will be more surfD commentary, theview from the ass's hole; and we'll hear early on from LadyH and his crew; and a scene with LadyH and Hamos; and Amos and Thea who's a real pain the the ass and the scene with Libbie cruising LadyH's corner and surf reports yes, and blurbs on the beaches yes and the insideout play from every which way including from TheCourt of WhiteWaterTrash

I get it
hercoming willhavebeen topointout toshow what itis we are and what itis we aren't wanting desperately to make it justlike every other group otherproject she is not only a part of but in control of justlikewhat she already knows, like the rest of us in the beginning, begging to differ to take us to task she came along to remind us, to have us account for, the ways we are different we are not convenient
we do not fit in
we are a priority
take it or leave it
I could have made a mark, but I didn't

So I wonder, remembering as I sit here onmymark &set to go that I noticed after a while, after a long while, long after I realized without knowing it forinstance that one of the plot lines one of the themes one of the knots being untangled was my divorce and that the anxiety I suffered with from time to time wasnot about the writing but because of the writing as in part of the story, so I'm wonderingif the abidingmelancholy, the upwellingsultry is not mine but of the story that waits to unfold, and belongs infact to the bitch Thea