in a flash it all came together, the end and the beginning and the purgatory the doldrums the inbetween the nomands land the between countries the transit was over is over and a new life begins we moved fourteen years ago without moving and now we're moving without having moved and the circle closes itself and now he's moving into his new leather brief case I'm moving into his old canvas bag and the check's inthe mail

the sun is out the surf is up and all is well
just like that

and don't it sound tidy all wrapped up

errands

dry cleaning light starch; food for thought; art supplies; presents for micheal; advantage for the cats; movie; bank
and I had a vision of my new life piling as I was into my rav4 off with a list to town to do errands thinking on the last time not that I've never gone off to town with a list of errands but the last time I went off to town with a list of errands and the leisure to go the speed limit

gads, for all of it I was older than that then I'm younger than that now

out from under the pile and I remember I haven't evenfinished recoveringyet from my damn kneesurgery but our spirits are less dense and there is laughter again and the minutes are less exact

so here we are moving in again
here we are finally leaving TheCity
here we are leaving the mire of civil service for better&worse in sickness&health where it's as real as it gets asif on a dare for a CenterofExcellence with a commitment to the stated values of dignity excellence service and justice
can you dig it, I mean they are standards upon which outcomes are measured

thinking of the geography of despair and how twice now I've started to say I'm sorry and had to stop because that's all of a sudden not at all what I mean not that I don't mean I'm sorry but of a sudden it seems an easy sycophant interesting empty word and all together too piteous and so naming and blaming and solidifying as opposed to a simple as in elegant acknowledgment of another's passing distress

oh dear on the otherhand I mustI wonder why I don't have sorry to offer anymore empathize commiserate condolence regret sympathy empathy rue regrets

stage management
costumes or the transport of just the right props yes there it is high drag whether it is for the opera for a workout for an interview or just the right wheelchair or cane or walker or car or bicycle or gardening hat or driving gloves or shit kicking boots it's not how they make the man but set the stage calibrate an attitude

like do you feel less done to when I walk slow as hell across the street if I you see my cane

today is a good day & we are revisioning our life lifes lives

walking around the block yesterday I couldn't help but think of remember the seasonsof walking aroundtheblock a montage a cross section a time capsule a scrap book a blog a documentary; writing my thesis michael's liver flood time rewriting my thesis michael's liver working on a poem walking the dogs acoustic neuroma walkingthedog michael's liver spring rain winter rain sunny day foggy day new neighbors doin' s in the neighborhood walking away from a poem rotator cuff repair walking away from another poem winter rain spring rain fog sun new neighbors walking away from the novel total knee replacement ha!

it was good so good tobe back into the what are you trying tosay what does it mean what was going on when you wrote thatline hard to answer up close like I didn't remember or didn't know or it doesn't matter but it does at varying stages especially in the editing if not in the writing ahh so thedamnthing's about the distance from pain to yellow and
bones talking among themselves
was not about no room for me but in fact finally leaving me out of it freeing me up to take part in the rest of my life

I couldnot have described him and saw a man that I didn't think looked at all like him and for all of it I knew it was him when I saw him wow and for all of it felt perfectly kindred
I love how we run into each other in what turns out tobe our neighborhood which extends all the way from bodega bay to sebastopol to include not only the hypotenuse but the the legs of the 90 degree angle

he was there at the vet with his neighbor who'd found a feral cat; I was there with whodo

all things relative
it's funny how leaving san francisco has changed the shape of our neighborhood which now more readily includes santa rosa and how once so far it is not that much farther than the ocean and certainly not even half as far as The City and in fact twice as far it seems as close as sebastopol who knows these mysteries

and if I've not said it before I guess the ambivalence about leaving work is not so much about not nursing there anymore as it is about the basis of the decision and being clear on that

simple things we do&don't notice for better&worse: we were at a workshop and it was hot and I was tired and during the break we three found a bench and I lay with my head on paul's lap and my feet in micheal's lap and they were rubbing me as they might a cat or a woman they loved and havingbeen there before I hardly even noticed until someone watching in awe asked how do I get a turn

I put together a picnic lunch for us, it pleased me
I once was a damngood nurse that also pleases me

day one
he came home with that characteristic bounce in his step his soul light again light as in not so dense light as in with luminosity and with hope as in there being room in any given moment for possibility and of course possibility can go either way but it's not by default ordained and since we can eat when we're hungry and sleep when we're tired andthat it is only three as in one two three days which happen to be nights a week it's all just part of the adventure nevermind nothaving to drive 70miles to TheCity

here I am again dickin' around with words & linebreaks asif

asif, and now I'm stopped cold, asif it were exacting work asif it makes a difference asif it will get me there asif it will save my soul asif there is one god ha it is exacting work it does make a difference it will get me there but it won't save my soul and there is either no or morethanone god and then there's the perspective tied up in any particular moment which is akin to relativity so it gets back to the basic deal

what's the damnthing about

day three
and already ofcourse he's a little miffed and a little irritated he doesn't have a system mapped out in his head for the staffing and impatient that he's not already doing that whole damnthing himself

so I said *innocently* if the tables had been reversed and you were orienting E at TheGeneral would you have thought that justbecause she'd been doing it for 30years elsewhere she should would be able to prance in and take over after three days

hmm he said stopped in his, but this that&the other tracks, that's an interesting way of looking at

bodyofwork
so it came to me overwhelmed by bulging file cabinets that by now I have a body of work and justlike pleased as punch lines are finally shitcanned I no longer need to save asin clutch everydamn thing that I ever wrote especially if it does not support the greater body(ofwork) and it gives me a different all of a sudden perspective of all those paintings on dvora's walls which The Artists I'msure no longer see as part of thebodyof their work eventhough we as beholders&patrons still do

it's the proverbial eye of the beholder thing nevermind editor...

it's an interesting read powerful phenomenon this naming thing this act of attributing there it is isn't it the recognition that means that elicits accountability and consequence and responsibility and therein is the change the venue the locus the field the parties the shape the fit the dance
judi doesn't want to be a nurse anymore judi can't be a nurse any more; tc having ms; woodrow having feline infectiousperitonitis
and in fact the measuring of outcomes against stated values excellence service dignity justice
ik not bringing her work or not not bringing her work one way or the other

naming as it breathes life into that which is named like remembering our future and just the same even though we have a name for what ails our dear sir woodrow of the minute he in the minute is not suffering is not dying is only thirsty hungry and glad to be home looking for the rest of the can of tuna

meanwhile possible book titles second cuttings descansos interruped journey resting places moving walls other explanatory models luminosities bridges yet to be crossed/built body of work leg work hand signals sign language be longing to myself out of touch

he said he doesn't know where to find me and that bothers him, used to be I was imminently findable and I'm thinking part of the transition from nurse to not-nurse; from nurse to writer, as in what do you do I'm a writer editor publisher used to be a damn fine nurse paul's saying I'll always be a damn fine nurse notwithstanding, is being less available wow I would never have said that I was sodamn available but if it's a tit thing there's not doubt about that
they're definitely notavailable for the poor tired and hungry anymore ha

change afoot
so it's all different but not different enoughyet in the mind's eye where I still anticipate remember pain and prepare to limp for instance though I don't and I can feel the lateral muscles kicking in, there's stability happening and for allof it I'm spending significantly less time aware of it because of pain, not itst more in the new car category listening for any rattles & squeaks and seeing how it corners and trusting its get up and go and factis I probably wouldbe ableto gobackto work except for in my mind's eye I can nolonger imagine it

declarative statements
and sir woodrow begins his journey home in a manner of speaking I'm afraid another in life's milestones a sweet innocent soul evenif an abecedarian or maybe because

sun desert hot brown not red wet or gray wet undulating round stringed halftones not brassy whole ones side to side stepping camels a suggestion rather than a demand a possibility rather than a dare a pleasure rather than a provocation

rest in the afternoon

honoring
agreements
I believe she is not living up to our agreement thing is for the life of me I can't figure out which one

naming revisited
it's unwritten thing is the part that is owed the pot the contribution/s that keep/s the guild viable to keep the work ongoing why it is now that we think to separate the guild from the press they each being a different commitment and different work though work it is evenif a labor of love
it's unwritten thing is that part that is/was participating in the work of the guild and further it's undefined but in its absence it is recognizable even if in it's presence it is ineffable

ohmygod it's simply about membership citizenship and being counted

naming
name calling misunderstanding disunderstanding assumptions filters trust ah, scaling the heights&depths of differences andsince this country was founded on the premise of discourse why is it we keep obfuscating the issues behind wide skirts

the hammer of truth the clout of god on my side ah the wisdom & simple elegance of "how do you know?-

citizenship: comportment demeanor status
responsibilities rights privileges

"for the privilege of...-
"I'm surprised by your patriarchal language,"she'd rebuffed, to give herself time I'd thought and justthesame another version of namecalling&obfuscating (rightornot)

privilege: a special right, advantage or immunity for a particular person or group

fraught with tumult

equal: having the same quantity value status or measure

membership: phi membership (for instance) defined as any person embracing the vision values and mission of our guild and who actively participates in supporting and furthering the work of the guild

right: an entitlement to something

privilege: a special benefit, exemption

entitled: give someone the right to

separate: divide discern distinguish different unto itself extract

defacto: in fact whether by right or not

de jure: lawful, by law

default: pre set selection chosen unless otherwise specified

so is membership in phi a defacto right or a dejure privilege

or is membership in phi a dejure right and a defacto privilege

anyone can belong but not anyone does
echoes of while everyone can write not everyone is a writer
distinct but not disequal
different but not better than
the default is: not a member

echoes of marx: from each according to his abilities to each according to his needs and aristotle: treating equals equally not unequals equally

discrimination: unequal treatment of persons which has nothing to do with legal rights or ability
civil rights: equal treatment under the law of all people regarding enjoyment of life, liberty, property & protection

I walked the river today, on its way down after the 1st spring rains, deliberately I walked the river today slowly not rushing I walked the river today not listening until the kildeer called it to my attention, never did see her, though I heard the river when I turned to look for her and finally wondered really why it is I'm hedging my bet (avoiding committing oneself when faced with a difficult decision) on this my retirement thing
meanmwhile MyPhysicalTherapist is going to cut me loose because I'm there and even MyMmother gets I'm more of a writer now

it's one of those yellow gray afternoons--ohmygod the colors of our house--the sun holding its own as a new front comes in a peaceful transition back to rain to spring rain and I guess I'm left holding the bag wondering why--knowing I'm not going back to work and everyone around me knowing I'm not going back--I'm stalling as if struggling with the decision as if it's not signed sealed and delivered
and the justincase nursing nightmares continue

on the other hand I know it's happening the shift that is behind the scene at its own pace

shades of
woodrow noble soul that he is walks that path that goes only one place call it valhalla call it heaven call it hell it breaks my heart there are no distractions, though he still thinks all of a sudden he wants go out or he's hungry but he's unable to follow through or remember or forget and for whatever it was we learned with whoshe it's somehow lost in the translation I lose my courage, the courage of waiting and trusting the wisdom, the information of minute, trusting him

ah don...who's going to know if he doesn't

okay okay
I'm not going back to work because I am notable or willing to participate in the style to which I had become accustom and because TheWork there is nolonger a style I am willing to become accustomed to
I am notable or willing to participate in and be party to the culture of disrespect, disregard and dishonesty which is now so fundamental it is no longer seen
nursing is no longer my passion and my tits done dried up so there goes the compassion and nursing ain't nothin' if not compassion

and fact is I don't need to

spending time in the venue, on the set of, the poem, this one being more of a scene than a feeling, more of a backdrop than a story, and a coyote showed up after the moon rose meantime I finished physical therapy yesterday and it all fits together it all comes together I wonder if as a nurse I accomplished contributed more like it what I had thought I could goingin and somewhere are the why I want to go to nursing school why I want to go to graduate school essays I wrote that just might tell me
ohmygod

...I come to graduate school with the intention of earning the right to make change, for legitimacy, to study & have conversation, to learn what ourteachers have culled from the bounty of our nursingpractice so that I, may contribute to our wisdom. I hope I'm not disappointed and I hope you're not either.
...so that I'll be better able to provide health care to the severely mentally ill and to contribute to the preservation of healthcaredelivery for any who need it, so that I might be teacher and amodelof mature & responsible nursingpractice.
...to earn the riteof passage and the rightof nursingleader.

nursing
as art a science a calling a vocation an avocation a mission a service a passion a compassion a mentoring a mothering a grandmothering an advocate an aunt a seer a storyteller a guide a busdriver an apprentice a journeyman an expert a master and until I quit until I stopped a labor of love, yet I've no heart for it anymore no breath breadth in my embrace anymore no milk in my breasts not enough patience to wrangle my way to wrestle for the right to grapple with a patient, t'ain't none of it like it usedto be

I grew up as a nurse though I was grown bythetime I became a nurse &I never wanted tobe a nurse when I grewup but I was a grownup nurse though I'm not yet grownup but I was then, I'm younger than that now, as we who're old enough to know, say

nurse treat or hold carefully, protectively; harbor for a long time from oldfrench&latin; nourish

nourish I can stilldo, it's the safeharbor thing I'm over & may terri schiavo finally find hers

and I wonder if we know the difference yet between moral righteous and ethical and life&living, nevermind deadoralive