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05/01 Direct Link

timewarps timewraps timenodes
and to get to the future you've got to go through the past or the past becomes allows the future as if it is one of the locks or keys one of the tumblers and as I visit the end of my nursing career I revisit its nascence and I should pardon the expression it is all one there is no then that is distinct from now; the body memory of loving him is as intact as the knee pain when I sidle up to the surgeon's office

no wonder I think of MyPhysicalTherapist all the time
05/02 Direct Link

old and new
new skin is out of practice no defaults worth a shit filter out nothing allow everything not defenseless just not helpful not vulnerable just over responsive so it's cacophonous and damned tiring old skin is friable&shedding

an exchange is taking place
like mose he holds a truth whose time is now whose seed is in the wind we are each others flower

I loved you I said instead of hello
we were in love with each other he said just before good-bye

and thirty years later nothing has changed

and thirty years later it's a new possibility
05/03 Direct Link

storytelling
I nearly didn't get hired at the communitycollege because they weren't sure I would get along with the other psychiatricnursing instructor after all she was fussy, she was prissy; particular&fastidious is what I'm after here, an every hair in place look you in the eye pouty; sultry is what I'm after here, woman who way ahead of her time had a tatoo on her so perfect shoulder which she bared fact is had we the language or the wits or the jenesaisquoi we would have a little more plainly acted on our feelings; instead everyone justthought we were alittlenuts
05/04 Direct Link

looking for the music instead of the feelings which no longer are driving the story no longer setting the stage but instead are a subtext now it's about textures shapes&colors a plein-aire painting artist unknown who may or maynot be the man in the chair now it's about it not always being about us but the circumstance the container the background as foreground not so much coming as we are but the comingto as it is and the collage of in concert with and in the end he will redeem her; he will deliver her musk onto the night air
05/05 Direct Link

so I got if I was seeing it as (if it were) a painting then I needed to back off, I needed to breathe and to act with a patient mind with mindfulness and appreciate that each layer however thin has its own rhythm and needs to set, to dry, and only then can you I really look at it see it

and then I got, I saw that it was not the written poem that was like a painting but the writing of the poem was like painting, and I had to write each layer in its own season
05/06 Direct Link

professional
by which we mean not only competence in a specific area but comportment and citizenship by which we mean, I suppose, adherence to an ethic and the circumscribed values of a given consortium, community and culture by which we mean not only the culture specific to the profession
by which we mean recognition of understanding of and skilled management of the moveable interpersonal line drawn in the sand that is called the professional boundary
by which we mean the interaction must serve the storyline; that is the interaction is predicated first and foremost by the particular business at hand
05/07 Direct Link

reasonable
so I'm wondering here what's left out what's not covered by simply being a reasonable human being and as if I were but a babe I leap headlong into the muddy waters of privilege of expertise and the dynamic of service of buying and selling a service
so professional is about the rules of engagement and particularly to forestall the inevitable complications that arise because of conflicts of interests, not only interpersonally but intra-personally
but for all of it every profession has their own, sohelpme like god it seems tobe a moveable feast andso sidesteps truth just the same
05/08 Direct Link

unsettled like the weather sky coming&going or maybe it's the gullies between the flurries of activity thatstill catch me by surprise or the disruption of change in an otherwise settled household

I wonder if one of the hallmarks of motherhood is hope or if hope is inherent in mothering which is to say then that mothering is among other things the challenge of the responsibility of maintaining hopefulness for a community--the long view--many then are the ways of mothering...engender beget father (for god's sake) overprotect

so I can engender but I sure did right skipping the begetting
05/09 Direct Link

erroneously carried out actions

a month later we're still be called liarsbeggarmen&thieves and I see now how she cansay they've never had a problem likethis, just like of yore when the high&mighty had few inpatient suicides; they didn't admit suicidal patients okay...like gracie in hell; it's notvhot&she's not there...a hell of a problemsolver you got to hand it to her and manyofus are wellearned money paying for trips across a bridge we nevermade and the best she has to offer is it's impossible; it's never happened
and in a fit of my own disbelief I've lost the file
05/10 Direct Link

uncivility
it seems neither reasonable nor professional and one thinks of recourse redress review last resort and revenge; she was in the beginning and up to the last neither collaborative nor helpful and as is the way often with those above their own damn stations after her haughty and lofty shots her quiver is empty and I think honey it ain't me that's going to eat the crow that fell out of the sky may she choke on the damn thing or at least get a good case of the runs shit there I go tainting my own damn karma
05/11 Direct Link

musicality
so he said, when I asked him what he meant about the line in his poem being "too prosey" he having uttered those words injust that sniffy voice poets sometimes muster when prose&poetry co-mingle asif it were not an abomination, that the music almost stopped

all the snobbery aside it is the best it is the most helpful differentiation I've ever been offered and the wisdom he lent me has already sharpened my ear

meanwhile I'm also striving to end-up with, asin fashion, the ambience rather than starting with the already used-up, asitwere, feeling asif it were a still-life
05/12 Direct Link

so
she did after all call and in the end there will be a celebration a marking of...my time spent there...an acknowledgment if I will of the contribution I made and over time I've accrued some bit of contributing and I suppose there's no need to be sheepish; it did come out of my hide and heart and it was good and they were good to me which doesnot belie that it was time to leave, aha bears saying again

it was good and
they were good to me and
it doesnot belie that it is time to leave
05/13 Direct Link

I've started flying my kite a christmas gift for which I had no vision when I stillwasnot able to walk and now is a straightforward kick in the ass who wouldhave couldhave known another oneof those total absorption pastimes that leaves you no room to muse worry practice botherate about anything other; a colorful stunt kite that let's me catch air and do with it what I will

I wonder why we think a poem should could be written quickly&easily as if it were a mere bagatelle as if anyone could do that as if it weren't worth the risk
05/14 Direct Link

change, is in some ways one of those maddog tricks there is no going back there is no real fork in the road or there is no one way there is only way the magic of the tao, it is the longing for the not where one is as if inherently that was better and it was not or it is over either way part of yesterday part of tomorrow part of today but not today; call it what you will faith is a blooming a reconciling of possibility

the roses forsaking the safety of the bud are flowers now
05/15 Direct Link

our easter
seems fitting to think of the ground we covered together he&I including our divorce&reunification to this day each of us having I'm sure a different or perhaps egocentric idea of what went awry and none of it at this point either hereorthere because in the end and beginning again the saving graces hadbeen having the wisdom to re-establish trust before presuming on our history and not rehashing the saga; that done he forgot his rancor and somehow the blemish has healed and doesn't show up on our record which I think is a mistake; it taught me well
05/16 Direct Link

thanks for this&that

for her
Thanks for always sharing the vision for your relentless holding to when we might have lost faith, holding your particular edge watching our back and being a good leader and a bad administrator thanks for your wisdom and in a word I guess, your faith...
for him
Thanks for sharing your fierceness your side by side over hill and dale and through the valley of darkness and out the other side and for your particular willingness and equal unwillingness thanks for the trust and the love and the growing and for sharing the long view
05/17 Direct Link

childhoodmontreal
jewish people's school vanhorne ave decarie boulevard eating frenchfries wet with vinegar in small brown paperbags and drinking orange juleps at the big orange orange shaped orange julep in the back of our two tone meteor girls on rollerskates in short black skirts and ponytails with trays that hooked to the car windows grandmothers&fathers ducharme the we three and the great oaktree carlton and macdonald avenues worry never had milkshakes or malteds or banana splits never brought friends; went once after nate died with frednelman and spilled my orangejulep in the back seat, he left us alone after that
05/18 Direct Link

farewells
I'd been welcome and now 15years later I am welgone do you think you'll realize you're retired he asked yes&nobut in the meantime I realize, with nosmall senseof relief, I've givenup the responsibilities of knowingfor others and holding "the team" to a particular courage honesty and integrity that allowed me/us the pride I/we had in our work and publichospital that infact gave care to chronically ill&and disenfranchised souls and inpart my leaving had todo with the everpresent, but better hidden, corruption&mean spiritedness rising to the surface which made it another fight than needed tobe fought to no good end
05/19 Direct Link

memory
so if I contrive that change is a hoax a maddog trick an illusion and shadow theatre then I'm left with loss being the tell of change and the repository of the fear sadness loathing and trepidation that is associated with, that accompanies, that shadows ha that foretells ha again change that traces, that is the trace, that gives shape to change
the carpet is laid our house begins to reassemble resemble our home and I realize in its bare rootedness it had brought to mindheartbody the geography of anxiety that hadbeen associated with the dismembership of the flood
05/20 Direct Link

what's a good jewish girl like you doing in a place like this she'd asked it, I guess. taking one girl from montreal to know another I came tired hungry&foresaken and was allowed to prosper, we were a particular cohort those of us who worked in psychiatry at TheGeneral where it is as real as it gets; we were the landscape the backdrop just as we were the actors and we were the us and the them and we allowed one another our best and worst foster marian kevan jose steve johnnie lisa jeannie jean judyjoellensusans susanl priscilla anna joanne....
05/21 Direct Link

it is the unbraiding the disentangling that confounds not so much leaving a job as retiring and it's not as people so often suggest as if all of a sudden my identity has gone wanting or has fragmented for I've taken my self with me rather it is the extricating the taking leave of the constellation
and yet it's not as if it was a blind and unexpected hairpin turn not as if it was not part of the path I was on, not as if it was not where I was going; it was simply TheEnd of the story
05/22 Direct Link

not as if I hadn't already moved on out in not asif my pass hadn't already expired or as if I hadn't known not as if I wasn't acting as if I'd already not gone back so it was a justincase I had been hanging on to as if I might have gone back as if back was different from forward or forward hadn't been full of some particular promise as if it were an option as if it were a choice, the choice, the fork in the road had been lightyears lifetimes ago

trepidation is part&parcel of the geography
05/23 Direct Link

what good is reading if you can't read the lay of the land the tell of the wind or the river's headline what good is reading if you can't read between the lines what good is reading if you can't decipher the meaning what good is deciphering the meaning if you can't understand it what good is an unbridled sense of self if it belies the need to read the lay of the land and a river's headline: spring river running at winter levels swift current no visibility sure as shit it will kill you

fullofcum he went in anyway
05/24 Direct Link

epitaph
so we've a decision now to make about ourfather's mortal coil and though we'd put off to him the question of under or over ground it would does can make him no nevermind it is all up to us and the meaning we would ascribe a grave, as if it were grave; it is was just these things that left him cold, so how does one decide, how do I decide--we have between us, since ourmother will also leave the decision to us, experience, each a parent already buried...but I'm not sure if we've the attendant wisdom
05/25 Direct Link

the distance traversed one last time from here to there from nurse to not and again I'm struck by the attributions by the act of attributing by the noun taking on an attendant life of its own it is at once very complicated and just like the dresscode for highschool graduation not including marinecorps uniforms simple in its elegance; it represents nothing ah the tao of retiring just another footstep another breath it is the integrity of the journey, the pleasure of the journey

sothen I figured out the now answer to TheQuestion what do you do, whatever I want!
05/26 Direct Link

proofing
I find no comfort on the level of detail and great discomfort in mucking in the details of proofing I realize it causes me great consternation and doesnot, unlike untangling the knots in my hair might, settle my dander but instead lands me square in the

decision
decide (caedere cut)
disorder
reorder
mistakes

geography of anxiety asif perfection were one of my strivings or as if the errors were misunderstandings of devastating proportion or the conglomeration might end up being more than I can manage no...wellyes but it is the geography of isolation, wow I wonder how that works
05/27 Direct Link

not loneliness or abandonment or out of favor but the isolation of a singular point of view or of not being understood ahh the bandying of the you don't understand epithet and the attendant disappointment in me asif I made the error, or perhaps in others for seeing it for the making it a public affair or is it in the mattering so it is the geography of trust, no...wellyes but of measuring of belonging of insiders&outsiders, the brownhair browneyes in a sea of blondes...fundamental differences; asif I were, no, asif I represent the error...and must fix it
05/28 Direct Link

uniform
I'm pissed off he said just thinking about it

that he wouldn't be able to wear his marinecorps uniform to his highschool graduation and at 1stblush each of us went straight to our own don't pass go jails asif it were about OurTroops or about War when in fact it is as the school elders are holding to simply about TheGoodofTheMany and the longstanding cap&gown dresscode; the valor was, along the treacherous route, not getting stuck in each our own private idaho

so it's fair enough that his response still sounds, more like a 17yr old, than a marine
05/29 Direct Link

we were able to find our way we were able to triangulate the way using not strong feelings as the polestar but preferences so grave visitor though I wouldnot be if I were to a visit a grave site it would not have been the one in winnipeg not simply because I wouldn't find my way there after both ourparents will have taken leave of their coil but because as a place to visit that site misses a contemplative tone shall we say
so convenience, or as ourbrother said less is more, notwithstanding ourfather will be dispatched from from laurel
05/30 Direct Link

time he wanted to know what's that

a geography of possibility of patience of enough; a view
already personified as Father, I saw her I must say as a regal woman in green satin full lips brown eyes shadowed in egyptian blue powder, under a parasol
alone but not lonely neither busy nor bored no lap dogs or kittens no tea or scotch no magazines
no airs

between thoughts
between breaths
not waiting for a soul
not wanting

the blooming of a rose in its season
the cheek's blush, fading

room enough to hear the sounds of one's own making
05/31 Direct Link

participation redux
so here I am back at the most loving thing I can possibly do is not do for you what you can do for yourself and the most loving thing I can say is if it is important to you to have your poetry read then come read it yourself
we each are responsible for our own comings and goings

if it is important for jm to read then it will have been equally important for her to have done the work

we are back to the language not of exclusivity but of accountability and our stated agreements