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05/01 Direct Link

WildHair

I'm thinking of OurMother brushing my hair who against our better judgement is going gallivanting when we think she can't and thinking my hair doesn't work together doesn't lie flat one shiny hair next to another that turns&flips alltogethernow when I move my head no my hair is one strand at a time hair each one going its own way and pays brushing little nevermind and how that is solike OurMother, out in left field with a thought an idea that like a WildHair becomes life itself andyet if it's only reason she's abandoned, a small price to pay
05/02 Direct Link

OurMother: driving miss dvora

the I'm fine trill suggests the dew is still on the petals but another glance shows her petals falling off one by one in the slight breeze and for the more diligent looker seeing that her wig is just slightly askew and that her lipstick has gone over the banks of her lips and though it may be an indication of her brain's fault line she does lie through her teeth--the rest of the sentence is I've got to lie down now
and we've still not agreed on whose life it is anyhow ourfather notwithstanding
05/03 Direct Link

OurMother

it's the wanting needing thinking we must do something that there is something to be done that maybe she can be fixed that has us ajar the we of us who are maybe not so much rescuers as fixers and love the challenge of making things right and an easy target for our ambient anger the doctor who does not rise to the mysteries chocking chalking it up to age which certainly she has but there's more mustbe more and that's the nag
and the irony of course is being trappedcaught on the patient's family side of the line
05/04 Direct Link

OurMother

why can't she just be an old lady with good days and bad days she asked oh she definitely is that I answered not according to K she said defiantly asif it were a debate, each on the far end of their field staking their claim, thing is it's all true there's no definitive truth no tidy truth andso there's no comfort in taking a stand there are only observations it means nothing there is nothing derivative nothing to conjugate she is an irregular verb, her humors wax&wane it's all obfuscation masking the fundamental sadness of watching her deflower
05/05 Direct Link

Refraction a reading of original work by PenHouseInk&Guests

our evening last night was a labor of love and the ripples as ripples have a wont to do spread in all directions honoring the old our elders supporting the children our young and it was a tribute to the adage that art follows life and to the power of following an idea to its beginning the best that people could have said is what they offered us in return, it was inspirational and given that we are in relentless pursuit of courageous creativity we couldn't have asked for more than that
05/06 Direct Link

refraction

"...salons began in early17thcentury France as an offshoot of the court; by the mid18thcentury, they generated a form of critical discourse in opposition to absolute monarchy...Around 1618 CatherinedeVivionne, MarquisedeRambouillet withdrew from the rituals of the court to welcome persons of her choice in her private...residence...there she initiated the art of conversation according to the principles of delight&decorum, to the end of discovering oneself through direct social contact with the personality and thoughts of another...-(Bilsky&Braun©2005)

...like a nursery, the gravestones as far as I could see with familiar names, instilled a paradoxical sense of hope...
05/07 Direct Link

Having torn down the fence to replace it I can see the wisdom in good fences make good neighbors....speaking to not only proprietary rights but individual rights and to the rights of the king...and to each his right to governance over his land and of course to preserving difference in the face of the already landed aristocracy who think they have history on their side-ours is a neighborhood in flux

for all of it the real tyrant, the real bottom line, the real culture bearer is of course the river that comes&goes as she pleases; the great equalizer
05/08 Direct Link

I'm stuck in of all places on a query letter on the catchy paragraph that will put the novel's story in its best light...that will/can/could catch&convey the essence the thrill of it...no different from how I'm so often caught upshort when asked about my poems in progress...what is it you're trying to say...and how in the face of that question I'm...um most often answerless

it's the sorcery of dowsing--which in skilled hands is no magic at all...

simply said then I set out to vicariously experience the chaos and upheaval of change, and found it
05/09 Direct Link

errands
off to the stetl for advantage for the cats, just Gus&DittyMau, TigerLilly's got some other shit for some other itch that Ditty may have licked off but maybenot; The Market for Nam Pla and fresh basil so I can make a keo wan, and then the dry cleaning, a man with a dry wit with whom by now I'm a rather intimate stranger whose name as if by some magic I can't remember and the nursery for another tomato plant and 26 miles later homeagain homeagain my fat hen and there's some smug leisure in the pleasure of it
05/10 Direct Link

paul&I are building a fence an item they say without elaborating that is the hardest working thing on your property and it is sturdy since we are in the flood plain not to mention under the trees in any case it excuses lots between neighbors, it's one thing to look over the fence and see quite another to so openly share an antithetic aesthetic of clutter&disarray nevermind dogs; the imaginary line doesn't work as wel

not just anyone could do this he says , I think he is glad for the divertissement and in a manner of speaking, (we) bless carpenters
05/11 Direct Link

love notes
she's more unsteady fell again U's going to neurology appt Sexton is the psychologist, god the sun is just coming up over the hill and it's that spectacular diffuse light, the sky a perfectgrayblue and i bet the river is flat and the cormorants are fishing haven't yet seen the blue heron or the white or green ones yet either but the osprey are teaching their young to fly and they ‘re screeching in delight; j

the crabapples are in full regalia just outside my office window - big big storm coming - they may be naked by tomorrow; jd
05/12 Direct Link

around the block
two new babies another new knee and back repair, a new hip in the offing two new houses two major post flood renovations a new fence three new families in the thirty or younger set imagine that buying houses interest only with 50year mortgages and a raft of kids skateboarding and vying for topgun status and with the coming of spring our differences are on full display over fences and so our grace and rancor and adults vying for topdog status the magnolias and dogwoods in full regalia and our resident jay is sitting on her eggs
05/13 Direct Link

anxiety's geography

I don't know what I expected or how I ever imagined I wouldn't didn't need to be involved and I definitely didn't expect or imagine this degree of angst but maybe this is the real deal the aft end of separation anxiety this the final separation from mother so maybe it's ingrained&scripted rather than factual rather than generated now--by now I've settled into the doing allthatIcando so it's not the dread of performing or not knowing what to do-somaybe it's one of those geographies; aplace along the way to and from the heart before anger after sadness
05/14 Direct Link

the ourbrother talk: even missing him-in the he's not there sense not in the california for me sense but on the line and in the who's counting sense when it's time to be standing on the line and holding space on the line-and saying I've been missing you and not meaning phone tag but in the noticing of an absence, changes the rules I was going to say, but infact I think it brings the rules to bear, the expectation we've lived with all our lives: to be counted

I guess it's the where&when that's allofasudden counting

that figured-out, abegezundt
05/15 Direct Link

magic
and justlikethat(ha) he showed up, and so that was it, infact he hadn't been participating even as he does best which if nothing else is to tell andsometimes annoy the helloutof one but thatis what he does best &damn I hadbeen missing him...it also reminded me-what was it she said when I hadbeen reflecting on some of my crowing no, you haven't changed a bit you've been doing it since you were a little girl-how ourolderbrother&I each outof our own magicalstory showup on that particular godsavethequeen, and more importantly us, rampart-how couldwe wouldwe not; anyway he's welcome
05/16 Direct Link


TheNeighborhood
so she came over to say that we should watchourcat, their shelty was afraid of the pitbulls on the other side of the fence and our cat a regular visitor might now be poking his nose into an unexpected hornets nest...well fact is, sonoma county's leash law extends to cats and their dogs pitbulls though they may be are fenced in and it's our cat that is on the prowl poking his nose where it mightnot belong a grim comeuppance though it mightbe
and after their dogs are killed by some enraged petowner whose will be the righteousness
05/17 Direct Link

only a fence
the fence in the it's only a fence we're building sense and notonly a fence since just the same it's on our property and mustbe pleasing easily meets the courageous excellence standards though misses perfect and with but a point&click paul will pointout all the homeowner flaws is now almost done and though anxious to go surfing we've not missed any waves since this is the windy season we just the same both are sorry to see the project finished we've worked well together

and hans looking into our yard says too bad we need a fence
05/18 Direct Link

dead end
my arrogance long gone I'm stripped bare in the thicket of believing there is something to be done whittled to no better than whimpering and bargaining with the worst of them faith hope love empty containers long since discarded along the way trapped in the bramble my skin is flayed tangled in the thorns pain is an exacting mistress brooking no idols or paltry gods and with a whimsical sense of fair play; there is no egress no position no pose that mimics comfort no silence no outside there is no repose; no memory of painless only impossibility
05/19 Direct Link

feels something like
it feels just like the time I walked out of the bathroom justforasec with the bath running and so no one else could get in I locked the door

it feels just like the time I was hanging from my knees upside down over my brother's shoulders and he let go to answer the damn phone

I feel just like I did when Bob, who was going to love me forever and was taking me to the senior play, stood me up for Bindy, the girl nextdoor

I wasn't so smart just because my grandfather was principal
05/20 Direct Link

blind curves and thensome
it feels just like thirty years ago when Tom called to tell me I wasn't all that smart and I should quit acting like everyone needed to do what I told them like we're not in kansas anymore toto like the day I told my husband I wanted a separation, and he said excellent and on the home front she said, you should be prepared for the fact I can't walk, I don't want you to be depressed about it and que sera sera I'm living in both places now and neither of them are kansas
05/21 Direct Link

inbetween there&here
is the noman'sland of transiting, relinquishment in preparation for re/attachment, is the shedding/exchanging of one mindset&life for another is theback the same as thefront one side the same as the other does the river change is it the same axe with a new handle and me, am I the same if my now grayinghair is red tomorrow-if I say yes and you say no whose is the right answer whose rights proprietary

I sat beside a 40somethingwoman with allherteeth who pulled a racingmagazine out of her guccibag, yes she said her eyes lighting up I am, are you?
05/22 Direct Link

Day1
we're calm here it is what it is she'll be ready to move shesays when she can't get around at all, which isnotyet she's small but contained and there's a poignancy that strips one(me) of any of their(my)notions of stalwart she was happy today asif like spring she remembered it as a possibility, it's odd how she is better&worse
the house is quiet but not empty, not as empty as it was the last time, and there's a calm, a peace...a brewing storm, but justnow, peace and a wee dram I say there's that too...
05/23 Direct Link

Day2 waning
it's an energy thing a living alone thing an egocentricity thing gone amuck a waning thing the netherside of the waxing, the relapsing part of remitting and she becomes abrupt and impatient...the slipping of the entirety a breakdown of the whole having anything to do with its parts...it's harder when she's better I've decided...she looks so sweet&small, ha if she could hear it she would vomit
and closer home to home for the second day in a row I forgot to take my own damn pills, this is not a good thing at all
05/24 Direct Link

day3 inuks(h)uks
it's a matter of not careening off into the future where by definition from here to there one is destined to overreach and to fall and not be able to get up; she's got about 3 day recovery period, and I came out without my glasses and am not going back into get them as if it will upset some order already established as if I've already left allofasudden she called about double bed self-inflating air mattresses for the birthday party crowd and across the street the boy who used to shovel her driveway is engaged
05/25 Direct Link

homeagain
I know it can't be easy he said eventhough you seem resolved to it all... that's justit, it is&isn't and it's one of those faithprocess in the moment things and not careeningoff into the future things it's the struggle that makes it hard and when I quit struggling it's not hard at all but it's keeping trackof knowing what that means and beyondthat it's sad &thereit's a horse of a different color andthen I got sidetracked wondering where the hell that expression camefrom and leaving that aside for the moment thankyou for your thoughts&prayers it's not allthat easy
05/26 Direct Link
in the neighborhood
so she'd left a bottle of wine with a thank you note on the deck for being so supportive and kind a simple thing in a complex world a simple thing in a simple world a complex thing in our changing neighborhood crossing groups crossing sides bridging the old and the new and yet I've heard paul say more than once about J&L and M they are family we've known them a long time as if to suggest they are due more, but it begs the question of the peace we all clamor for; divisions are easy
05/27 Direct Link

ontheway home
I sat on the farside of 3--from a gang of nine-sisters each with a particular job one an instigator one a takechargefixer the other the youngest the champion the cheerleader the least in her own wrightrightrite on their way to visit with brothers one of whom is stationed in california waylaid by the whimsy of airtravel and fedup and trapped on the plane externalizing everyone's anxiety annoyance and helplessness at being heldhostage&uninformed on a notflyhing plane and near their breakingbraking point...I for my part enjoyed the calm old lady job and the sisterhood nottomention being outoftouch&reach
05/28 Direct Link

on thenovel front
I'm stuck, not stuck but mired&wading my way through my novel thinking, this if for no other reason is why folks write from an outline not make one afterward, though I get they fill in the detail fill in the soulofit afterward anyway plodding my way through an outline with details so I can write a synopsis so I can shop for an agent or a publisher and it, the process puts me to sleep, makes my eyelids shudder for reasons that aren't apparent-it's good I'm learning new things about it but there's something so bookish about it
05/29 Direct Link

...it felt
like the time
my olderbrother pulled my panties upshort

and they laughed it pulled them out of the mood it was distracting and embarrassing what did my brother have to do with it they wanted to know so now I'm trying to think of a snappyline for being whittled down to the size of my britches though I'm still not altogether sure the other didn't work since all of that isexactly how it felt which isnot to say that if you started with your brother pulling your panties upshort you would think of a man in a redtruck
05/30 Direct Link

TheNeighborhood
people going fishing the house still being painted a mexican laborer hauling cement blocks to begin the landscaping the newguy in the house behind us just back from his weekend and the 2cars which she drives too fast that have no license plates a waterleak at the farthest end of the loop just before I turn the corner and two lads walking down the street ahead of me one of them making final adjustments on his basket thinking of noah&hisark and the similarities between TheBoogymen and heaven except for the boogies turn out tobe real; heaven the idle threat
05/31 Direct Link

ourneighborhood
we've let heaven get ahead of us as if it were an end in itself and some sort of exclusive club while in the name of god by whatever name and all things great that people pay homage to and bowdownto promoting community and grace compassion and peace with heaven as the prize the world is being torn apart, jesus would rollover in his grave; divisions are easy--
thingis if every outpost has theGod on their side by default they are all false and our worship is no better, my friend would never have died for this would you