BY Rng

06/01 Direct Link
Half. Thatís exactly the amount of time weíve got in the hourglass, and the panic has crept in. No, not crept. It has flooded in, swamped us completely. It is a barrage, a landslide, an avalanche Ė and weíre brimming over with this deluge, bailing fast and bailing desperately. Itís mere days away, and the ticker has already started. The race kicked off ages ago, but it is only now that weíre brought back down to earth with a sickening thud. Judgment Day is pressing close, and weíre all waiting with bated breaths. The final sentence has yet to be passed.
06/02 Direct Link
I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today. And, the worst part is, there's no-one else to blame.

Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me, I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me.


I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found, and I think that I might break. Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.

Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me, I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me. Pretty please?
06/03 Direct Link
Iím so embarrassed; I feel a flush creeping up my face as I walk away. Itís hot. The passers-by are giving me sidelong looks, but I keep my eyes trained on the escalator steps. Obtrusively invaded, embarrassed, and exposed; thatís what I am. Itís not chilly, but the shivers come involuntarily Ė the same ones I get when I do a little jig in front of the window of a shop display (thinking no oneís watching) and catch someone looking away distractedly when I turn my back. For that split second, it feels as if Iíve revealed too much of myself.
06/04 Direct Link
If I had a chance to do it all over again, Iíd do it differently. Iíd do it, knowing that everything will turn out alright. Iíd do it, with the wealth of the new friendships Iíve forged, with the luxury of the bridges Iíve built to get here. Iíd do it, all over again, if I could. But I canít, because Iíve passed the baton on. Today, we officially expire, and the new ones take over the helm. Theyíll have the time of their life, and before they know it theyíll be in my shoes thinking the very same thing.
06/05 Direct Link
Running makes you feel empowered. Youíre gasping for breath, your legs feel like lead, and the thought of you going on is barely conceivable. But you go on anyway. The road seems to go on forever, and the end is taking an eternity to come. But at the end of it, these illusions vanish, and the only thing you can hear is your heart thumping in the dark of the night. All thatís left is a quiet sense of self validation and pride, and a reminder that you can absolutely do anything your mind puts itself to.

Nothing is impossible
06/06 Direct Link
Since Iíve started hitting the books, my degeneration has taken the course of a second order reaction Ė an exponential rate (and it looks like itís headed for infinite regress.) Iím having difficulty articulating my thoughts, or emotions, for that matter. Many abstract concepts elude my befuddled mind, preoccupied with what element comes before Cu in the periodic table. Iím not sure this is what Iíve envisioned myself to be, but it is definitely what Iím becoming. They say that Iíve not been myself lately, and perhaps itís time for me to concur and resuscitate my life before itís too late.
06/07 Direct Link
Friends donít stab you in the back. They stroll towards you, smile sweetly as if they hadnít a care in the world, whilst driving a stake straight into the centre of your heart without any hesitation. For the record, it felt as if the carpet was pulled from under my feet, knocking out all the air in my lungs. Rational, lucid slosh in my brain evaporated instantaneously, leaving my hapless mind trying to wrap itself around what just transpired. All my mind could cope with were flashing words. ďBetrayalĒ and ďheartlessĒ were top favourites, besides ďbitch.Ē Talk about brain freeze.
06/08 Direct Link
Iíve been sitting here for the past twenty minutes, with lame excuses for half-hearted 100words attempts. Iíve hit the backspace button so many times; Iíve no idea why the print hasnít been worn off yet. Iím faltering Ė there isnít the sassy edge or careless abandon I used to function with anymore. Whatís more disconcerting though, is my lack of drive. Just like a steam engine, only one thatís been on the railway for far too many days, long overdue for a refill of coal. Inching along the tracks, I canít tell if I can hold out till the next stop.
06/09 Direct Link
I think God ran out of things to do with my life, so He's recycling the stories. Maybe that's why everything is the same; everyday fades into a copy of a copy of a copy. Thereís a drowsy familiarity, like going round in goldfish circles. But hold on. Somethingís lurking within these waters, and a precarious balance just waiting to be tipped before disaster falls. Canít place my finger on it, but it certainly feels like a goldfish swimming in a blender Ė all youíve got to do is to press the button and Iíll be seeing you in goldfish heaven.
06/10 Direct Link
Sheís petite, to say the least, complete with rail-like limbs and a jutting collarbone to boot. Her cheeks sag so badly, she almost looks like a wax figure Ė one thatís been left too near the fireplace and long forgotten. The wrinkles on her forehead are worse Ė etched so deeply that it seems as if someone had caked it on. As she alights the bus, I canít help but notice her walk Ė itís got a gait far too sure-footed for her waif frame (no trace of hobble!), and for a moment I wonder what itís like to be a hobo-esque grandma.
06/11 Direct Link
Itís funny how easily humans shapeshift Ė how new things grow on us, and how things we thought weíd feel right at home with, suddenly become unfamiliar with our negligence. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but often we forget that thereís a point. Itís the point which you cross, after being absent for too long. This is the point, where people start moving on, to find other little snippets in life to make living easier, because itís far too hard to miss you. This is the point, where I conveniently trash your name into the ďDispensableĒ bin in my mind.
06/12 Direct Link
People knew I could get shit. So they gave me rides. The deal was they had to buy me something too. When I couldnít get rides, I took your car. When I didnít have money, Freddy gave me credit. He liked me and called me White Boy James, and I became known over there as that. It was fucking stupid and dangerous, but I liked it, thought it was cool, and it allowed me to get anything I wanted whenever I wanted it. I wanted it all the time. My Mother starts crying, my Father stares at me.

Ė James Frey
06/13 Direct Link
Jim: You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Ok, well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute...and superior brain-power. Through concentration I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

This is the singular thing Iím happy about today. You know life isnít going the right way when you get your daily fix of sanity from a deranged sitcom.
06/14 Direct Link
exēamēiēnaētion (ĭg-zām'ə-nā'shən) Pronunciation Key


1. The act of examining or the state of being examined.
2. A set of questions or exercises testing knowledge or skill.
3. A formal interrogation: examination of the witness.

What they didnít include in the definition is the pain and anxiety associated with it, as well as the myriad of stressful problems which come attached when one fails to excel in these things. It doesnít indicate any of the biased judgments, which people make about these inconclusive tests. Most of all, it doesnít tell me about my relativeís fixated interest in my examination scores.
06/15 Direct Link
Recently, Iíve started introducing myself to strangers again, leaving out ďRng.Ē It felt a oddly unfamiliar to have them call me Rachel the entire day, but that just served to remind me that itíll be something Iíll have to revert back to when I enter the working world. People will start calling me Rachel again, and their mental image of me would be tagged with that label, instead of ďRng.Ē I know one day this term of endearment will be relegated to the haze of a distant memory, but for now Iíd still like my friends to call me that.
06/16 Direct Link
It was never within my knowledge that Iím able to reveal such a staggering amount of secrets to anyone Ė whatever happened to counter intuitive and my self-preservation barriers? You have this uncanny ability to seek out the monsters I run away from, drag them out from the dank dungeons Iíve chained them to and thrust them into my face. I try to defend myself, but you retort with an axe and a pick Ė hacking away at my grandeurs of self-delusion and picking at the veneer of nonchalance Iíve so carefully constructed, leaving me defenseless. If was your goal, youíve succeeded.
06/17 Direct Link
I was bored today, so I googled my name.

Random number generator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A random number generator (often abbreviated as RNG) is a computational or physical device designed to generate a sequence of numbers or symbols

RNG Validation List
These implementations are validated as conforming to the various Random Number Generators (RNG) as specified and approved in FIPS 186-2, Digital Signature

It turns out that Iím actually a Random Number Generator, and if I ever feel in need of validation, I can always turn to my Validation List! Hurray for me. Instant validation at my fingertips!
06/18 Direct Link
It isnít the typical sitcom filmed on a glamorous set with Greek-god look-alikes (or goddesses, for that matter) milling around, looking pretty under the lighting, clothed in haute couture, like the usual Jerry Bruckheimer productions. Itís a drab, mildewed office lit by unflattering fluorescents. Itís hasnít got a highly lauded cast, nor does it have any cinematographic effects. But, what it does have is wit, satire and black humour all rolled into a rollicking fun ride, which more than makes up for everything else. Iím hooked; and sometimes Dunder Mifflin seems just as real to me as my desk does.
06/19 Direct Link
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet;
And so are you!

Itís always a nice surprise to have someone remember you when youíve forgotten about yourself. Though itís a jolting reminder that you havenít been dutiful enough to yourself, you canít help but grin; revel in the thought that thereís someone thinking of you. For a moment, youíre enveloped in warm fuzziness, even your toes; just like sitting by a fireplace on a frosty night. Suddenly all your troubles donít seem so bad afterall, and you smile to yourself all the way on the lonely bus ride home.
06/20 Direct Link
Attack of the Clones Ugly Smileys!

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May the Force be with you.
06/21 Direct Link
Itchy-scratchy makeup sploshed on face? Check. Demure frock? Check. Strappy heels Iíll have to totter about in? Check. Extravagant venue? Check. Quarrelling before weíre packed into the car? Check. More quarrelling when we reach? Check. Rowdy and insensitive relatives with no semblance of dining etiquette? Check. Flamboyant mother-in-law? Check. Excruciatingly inefficient service? Check. Unbelievably long dinner? Check. Restless kids galloping around the tables? Check. Awkward smiles all around for the wedding photos? Check. Even more awkward family photo? Check. Inability of family members to leave in peace (or, even leave)? Check.

There we have it. A perfect recipe for catastrophic night!
06/22 Direct Link
Iíve been sniffing the entire day, and Iím not surprised if someone mistook me for a rehab druggie trying to stave off the coke by going cold turkey. I hate it when my sinus decides to attack me Ė it gives no warning and leaves me watery-eyed all day round, longing for the instant gratification a successful sneeze gives. It sucks to have your nose tingle and feel it ebb away without flushing it out properly. More often than not, Iím denied of it and Iím left grumpy for the rest of the day. Not unlike a druggie in rehab at all.
06/23 Direct Link
Heís got to be my best friend. Heís got to cherish me for who I am, not who he wants me to be. Heís got to laugh with me; walk down the crowded streets with his hand in mine, because thatís what I want to do when my hairís turned white. Heís got to have ďforeverĒ on his mind, or even better, ďhappily ever after.Ē Heís got to wake up early and fix breakfast, because Iím always running late. Heís got to be patient; sometimes even I canít even stand myself. But most of all, heís got to love me.
06/24 Direct Link
The thing that intrigues me most about ballet isn't the movement of the ballerinas or the dance choreography, but the costume. More precisely, the tutu. Though I often keep my eyes trained on the dancers and their little pantomimes, itís not the pirouettes Iím watching closely; itís the rise and fall of the fabric of the tutu which fascinates me to no end. Just like a pulsating jellyfish, swirling along with the current, fluttering ever so slightly at the hem at every spin. Truth is, I secretly pay more attention to the tutu than the dancer herself. Shh, donít tell.
06/25 Direct Link



I'll buy you tea.
06/26 Direct Link
Itís been, what, three months since Iíve been here? But it still gives that studious academic grandeur, the pin-drop silence, the high ceilings and the carpeted floor silencing the click of my shoes. Even the view out of the floor length windows stays the same Ė save for the Ferris Wheel thatís now wedged between the Pan Pacific and the Suntec Towers. Itís always a treat to look up from my staggering mountain of books and see the cars wheedle along, looking like theyíre in a Hot Wheels city. If it were up to me, all libraries would be like this.
06/27 Direct Link
Pam: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just...we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...

Jim: Pam. Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?

Pam: Yes.

Jim: All right. Then it's a date.

Pam: I'm sorry, what was the question?
06/28 Direct Link
Something made me realize I wasn't alone, and I opened my eyes to find myself staring at Madame framed in the doorway. She was out in the corridor, standing very still, her head angled to one side to give her a view of what I was doing inside. And the odd thing was she was crying. It might even have been one of her sobs that had come through the song to jerk me out of my dream." When she tells Tommy about this, he says: "Maybe Madame can read minds. She's strange. Maybe she can see right inside you.
06/29 Direct Link
Thereís nothing quite like the joy and excitement of receiving a parcel. You arenít really sure when exactly itís going to be delivered, so you spend the entire day in jittery anticipation of its arrival. You try your best with the daily humdrums, but every few moments your mind strays, and your eyes flicker towards the door. Each time you hear the doorbell, your heart does a little leap and you stride towards the door, still feigning nonchalance in fear of being disappointed. Just when you least expect it, the postman rings the doorbell and your wait is duly rewarded.
06/30 Direct Link
Is this what Iím supposed to feel? Underwhelmed? Iím a little dazed, but surprisingly cool-headed. No cheering, no little jiggle to celebrate the passing of yet another hurdle. It feels just like any other day would, save for the lunch with friends. Perhaps this is what it is Ė or Iíve forgotten the thrill of completing an exam paper. Exhilaration, breathlessness and self-satisfaction; where have they gone? Secretly, I had hoped for validation to rain down upon me, but the absence of even a trickle is a cause for alarm. How now brown cow? Because Iíve got wishes no more, jellyfish.