Forget birthdays, my life should be measured by how many men have fucked it up. I know what your thinking... I'm bitter and jaded. Damn right, I am. Don't forget angry and cynical. I've had a three man life (so far) and number four seems nowhere to be found. I'm looking for someone who's good with kids and puppies. A soul on fire with the world. I want smiles. Talented in the ways of the night (if you know what I mean) Money to burn or at least spend, spend, spend. And if he's unavailable, What are you doing tonight?

Somewhere on a cellular level
we've met before.
When you're sitting so close
a magnetic force
draws me to you.
This is not true love,
but a total knowledge
of you.
I don't mean the outside person,
sloppy shaven and timid,
but the inside.
Capillaries rushing headlong
to your heart.
Atoms adhering tightly to bones.
Organs pumping and processing.
I see these things so clearly,
as if someone has dissected you
then carefully put all of your parts back together.
Sublimely, beautifully
joined sinew to scalp,
closed jagged veins with a snap,
stretched your skin to perfection
over hollow cheekbones.

I arrived a stranger. Broken and broke. You, the younger, quieter one offered me yourself; nothing fancy. That's not your style. Just those liquid eyes, listening ears and extraordinary ideas. Amazing that we've been apart so long. Whole lives spent without the other. And here in this enchanted desert we can pick up where we'd never even begun. It's liberating to know that we can chose who we love, decide where to live, think our own thoughts and the world absolutely will not come crashing down at our feet. Yes, Janis, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

I'm the adult in this fiasco.
Floundering, seeking and guessing.
These are not words to inspire confidence.
How can I sleep, eat, exist….
Knowing my son's heart is bleeding?
He wants familiar people,
known streets, security of any kind
would do just fine right now.
The thought of sending him back,
alone,
stops my heart for a frightening moment.
The alternative
relinquishing this dream so soon
when it's here within reach
deadens my soul.
A crystal ball would help right now.
How long can I survive
this excruciating tightness in my chest?
The guilt alone will crush my bones.

When he walked down the aisle, he was thinking of me. I was on the other side of the world, thinking of him. Come with me I had begged. He just couldn't bring himself to do something that impulsive, he said. His eyes were beautiful. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me those eyes were saying. I left him there with the Ohio sleet and wind. Two months have passed and I am crippled with pain. Married. How can I trust in anything, or anyone? This love has been tossed away so carelessly and I am broken inside.

I cannot see you through the tears.
Having lost you, I crave
a substitute.
Someone laughing
often.
Speaking not what I wish to hear,
but truth as seen
through chameleon eyes.

We fought a war together once.
You and I - side by side.
Battlelines were shadows,
Loyalty a lie.
A labyrinth of
twisted love
sheathed in civility.

Don't wait for recompense
there will be no words
of accusation.
We have been forsaken
By the mediator
Altered from within.

Tonight, I celebrate
the child.
She still lives in every cell,
whispering cries of rebirth.

I will not allow flowers on the windowsill,
and I will remove the lavender from your pillow
forever more.
I will take myself as far away from you as possible.
When you speak, I see cartoon balloons floating absurdly above your head.
Your smile is a perilous trap stained with poison and blood.
Conversation with you is a minefield within a meadow of buttercups.
I could arm myself with daggers.
Ensure my safety by wielding a glittering knife.
I have a better idea.
If my heart tries to love you,
even once more,
I will hold my breath until it bursts.

Loyalty like yours should be rewarded
licked, stroked, purred over like a kitten.
If I had a shred of common sense,
I'd rush to the phone when you called,
fly cross-country
just to see your smile,
then remove my clothing seductively
bit by bit,
allow you to dive right in.
This heart stays icy,
a lake frozen forever in December
and the love I give you is false.
Nothing more than sleight of hand
hazy smoke and cheap parlor tricks.
Don't settle for this, sweetheart.
Find someone worthy of your undying devotion.
Hurry!
Before I begin to convince myself.

I came here for healing, and have been ripped to shreds.
I stood at the top of the crest, arms outstretched and closed my eyes for a very long time.
I am dirty, weary, heartsick with longing.
Is it too much to ask to be cleansed, purified here in the hot desert sun?
I stay here until night falls, listening for magic;
breathing incantations into the slopes.
Stars have erupted into the night.
At first I suck slowly,
and then greedily lap each constellation,
moonlight soothing my brow, glitter flowing from my lips.
I have found peace in these mountains.

Spangle your body with sequins,
tiny mirrors for the candle glow
Your lashes are the linens
from which I will dine
drizzle your skin in white silk
liquid pools of desire

cut the clocks, lower the lights
nuzzle the crease on the back of each knee
place my hands on the curve of your cheeks
just to feel the heat of your face
watch the moonlight dazzle your eyes
as you stretch on the fresh clean grass
collect rainwater in barrels and bowls
I'll immerse your body in my love

all this and more
if you'd only return my calls

The miles melt away
Like a dusting of snow
On a sunny Ohio hill
Each mile marker tells
How far I have traveled
from you

You, of the smooth stone heart
Capable of annihilating love
As easily as crushing a small
Spring bloom
So now, love lies bleeding
My heart is bruised

Months later, it surprises me
I'm able to breathe again
These dusty mountains speak
To my soul
Force me to look
With unwilling eyes
At myself,
Myself, of the hungry heart
Capable of stroking love
Like the head of a sleeping child
Cautiously, tenderly
And ever so slowly

The distance between us is more than space,
precisely measured with ruler and string.
It's a chasm ~ no, an uncultivated breach.
I won't not dwell on it.

Not today. Instead, I'll gulp stars.
Million of stars which enter me at every pore,
Careening and sloshing through capillary and vein.
The healing is immediate, complete.
A balmy, deliberate spread of fire
mottled with cold edges of
blue-black heaven.
There is no stopping these carriers
Of nimble luminosity.
They slide, search
Seeking sorrow to consume.
They've been spinning
for millions of years
Imparting tranquility
older and wiser than you or I.

Your new tattoo is quite shocking
To say the least.
There's a message here, I know
If I only knew how to translate it.
If it were clenching fingers,
or a knotted scarf,
it could easily coax the pulse
from your body,
dipping into the shallow dish
that is your throat.
Your head sprouts
from a thick impatient stalk.
Let's protect this crop
with an inky barb of wire,
erected here to keep things out
and keep things in.
Shun not the struggle
announces this fortress,
a letter to the world injected in ink
on this pulsing parchment of flesh.

Her shell was shrinking; her spirit was not.
Weighted by time, her body had become a traitor.
All the same, her laughter rose.

A century before, the crisp autumn wind
had licked her tousled skirt
into a parasol.
The swing, no match for the desperate dreams of the young,
became untethered ,
a train bound for anywhere
except here.
Away from her father, breath blackened by coal and moonshine.
Away from her mother, blinded and cold with defeat.
Time has gone, leaving nothing
except the memory of brown sugar in the morning

I have seen spiders of doubt
feeding on the flesh of a man.
If you listen, you will hear a dry, brittle crack
as guilt severs my dreams then
distills hope into a chalky residue.
On nights like this, my love, I hope you will forgive
if I should fade away.
I need to gather the blame beating inside
this broken body.
Once, I fell through a hole I had created
in my own life.
Messages of hate tattooed across the sky.
A dry wind raked the sand into piles,
and the stench of guilt hung heavy in the air

you sold your soul for a pack of lies
don't come to me on your knees
i have no tolerance for ignorance
or your unchecked hatred
all of those years I stood beside you
each night
something inside of me began to tremble
perched on the edge of sleep
watching you there beside me
innocent in slumber, by day brutal and cold
I could feel someone else lurking
within your body
able to feel love with incredible depth
did you ever know I kissed you so softly
tenderly
speaking to the man I knew you could be
loving you anyway

the meaning of the universe
sought for thousands of years
is hidden under my mattress
i know it's unfair to the rest of you
this greedy, obsession I have.
i check daily to make sure no one has stolen
this precious secret
hidden in an envelope under the bed
sleeping, I wake ten sometimes twelve times
and look to be sure it's still there
why? why do I keep it to myself
Why not share with mankind?
alleviate suffering, hunger, poverty, war?
it has become the only
truth I can find in this hard, cruel world
and it's mine alone

Note to Self:

I'd like to say to her -
coward, betrayer, lily-livered
fucking baby.
But, I won't.
She so small and cries quite easily.

I'll say none of it.
She's too busy
pretending nothing happened
to hear my words.
If she does hear,
won't she just pull
the covers over her head
and fake sleep?
(treachery and lies are her specialty)

In the end,
I tried tricking her
Into giving me the box,
memories nestled tidily inside.
She would have none of that,
(she's smart, you know)
So I knocked her to the ground
And brutally wrenched it free.

To My Brother

This mother-hate goes deep,
says the fire-eater, brandishing a buck-knife.
Open this darkened door,
push your peeling pride toward
the weakened windows
of time.
You future shines forth
earth-stained and raw,
but you choose to squat here
nothing but an insecure warrior.

It's time to walk forth on your own,
soul strong,
your past banished forever.
How long can you grip this anger
so tightly in your clenched fists?
Aren't you drained and empty?
Seek to find yourself entangled
within the mists of childhood.
I spoke to you once- the real you.
I'm quite fond of him.

Being with you is like
closing my eyes underwater
in a rushing river.
A little frightening,
at the same time
exhilarating,
liberating.
This can't go on much longer
because
I like things orderly.
I usually stay three steps back
from the edge of the cliff
content to make lists,
color-coded, alphabetized
lists.
Yesterday,
I tried to make a list about you
but couldn't find the right words
to capture
your flame, your youth
the indescribable feeling of flight
that you impart
to my soul.
I don't love you
But something in me is trying to convince me
that I do.

If you say it with enough confidence, you can convince anyone of anything.

Starting over is just like jumping off a cliff with your eyes shut
(except you'll feel the need to bring a bunch of useless stuff with you.)

Everyone should dance, sing and laugh as often as possible.

It is possible to suffer incredible losses and keep right on going.

Oftentimes, your first impression of someone is right on target. Go with it – good or bad.

Forgiveness is healing, but unfortunately, some people do not deserve it.

Love in any form is a dangerous business. Watch your back.

Someone
talking about you today
said
stringy black hair
makeup
overflowing onto pale cheeks

I could not say
Honeyhairfoamingeyescoloredofwheat

Silence
She went on to say
Dirty hard edges
Sharpened with untruths

Reaching into my pocket
I wanted to show her this thread
Shimmering and shining
hope
stretched between us
like a promise

Fingers grope
Then stop
Because now I know
I am holding a damp, grey string
The kind torn from a kite
Or a yo-yo
Long forgotten

It is knotted
Frayed at one end

And I am crying

That too was a lie
And I have nothing to say

Destiny
took me into her arms
last Tuesday
rocked me to sleep
crooning
in my ear
something about
red wine
hard work
the relentless pursuit of happiness
(happiness)
the echoes of it made me
violent
even within that cool, dark sleep
ramming my elbow
deep into her ribcage
I leapt
from wrinkled sheets
just in time
to hear the door slam

I cannot tell the truth
so I do not speak
the lines on my face
hardly show in the dimly lit rooms
under haloes of smoke
and besides
words are not needed for the work that I do

sunlight burns away the unnecessary
cuts all the crap
here, it's blindingly, dazzlingly bright
and that's just fine with me.
I'm sick to death of all the grey areas in life.
And right now I'm only interested
in glaring, stark white or
the deep-rooted dark of black.
I want you to take me by the collar
and tell me what you need, want, desire.
Let's stop all this polite parrying.
Sidestepping the issues
with please and thank you.
Think you love me?
Then love me now.
Right here in this room.
Forever?
Fuck forever.
Let's just take care of today.

If I could only remember the child I was,
Maybe I could understand the child you are.
One day, you'll look back
And wonder who I really was during these darkened days
we've shared together.
I hope that some of the laughter
and the love
Will come to mind.
Can you put away the uncertainties?
At least see them for what they really were.
Three people lost in a sea of choices,
Swimming and swimming for shore.
I would have carried you the whole way
But you're so much like me,
stubborn, fiercely independent
that it tears my heart out.

Tiptoeing through this bloody blaze of history, I've noticed that the human race is pretty damn stupid. What is the mania we have with one-upmanship, weapons of mass destruction, concentration camps and death to those who are different? Aren't we all alive? Isn't daily life enough of a stuggle? Who needs to challenge and conquer? Not me. I'll just be pleased if I get my laundry finished and my algebra equations come out right in the end. I don't need global domination, I just want control of my own tiny life here in this small piece of desert and mountain.

Trying to pretend I don't care
Is fruitless
My babies are gone
And I am left here
With an empty apartment
And books
Chemistry
Algebra
Civilizations untold
It seemed important
To forge a future
But now I know it's
Useless
Without you
Because you are my future
My future is shining in your eyes
Somewhere in the crisp
Ohio breeze
And I'm wallowing in self-pity
Consumed with anger
At myself
Ashamed at the selfishness
I've begun to assume
So far from the peace
Of our previous life
Alone, broken, uncertain
I flounder and drown
In a sea of doubt

So I've put my trust in you
You of crack house notoriety,
bar room brawls, and women of ill-repute.
The same you who was unavailable
For nine long years
The one who did not coach football
Could not dry my tears
Unable to face the life we'd created together
You ran
And ran.
Finally, you've stopped running
And I want to believe in you
Need to rectify the damage we've done
To each other
And the two children not yet grown.
Placing them in your care
i can only hope you prove worthy
of the honor
and trust
given freely

Static hisses through the wire
and the acid of your remarks
begins to burn
deeper and deeper.
Luckily for me,
I have scar tissue to protect
my cold, cold heart.

I remember this scathing sound
from the green grass days. Occasionally,
you appear in my dreams
accusing in clipped, caustic tones
and I pour you a drink
(a triple)
and keep pouring until you love me again.

Let's go down to the honky tonk,
dance with toothless men,
drink shots until we both stumble
into each others arms
and find affection again.

it is written
somewhere
that I should hate you
ignorantly.
I reject this
And every other
tiresome
stereotype
divorce has inspired
through the years.
I love you
because
your heart is true
your children are strong;
they carry your eyes
your soul, your spirit,
the incredible generosity
I remember from so long ago.

Forgiveness is healing
and this is what I seek.
A turning away,
closing the door
on suspicion and hate.
Let the world say what they will,
Allow them to stagnate
in resentment,
choke on animosity,
feed on bitter chaos,
if that's what they chose.
We are free.

Enter this war-torn country
Carelessly
Pay no mind to the sounds of shrieking children,
singing guns.
I feel ravaged already
and we've just begun
. Strangely enough,
I like it here.
It's been a while since anything
genuine has passed my way.
Amid splattered blood,
and shattered skulls
things are what they seem,
laid bare and
stripped to the bone.
No way to pretend,
pop over to a commercial break.
I can't relieve my pain
by sipping coffee while
discussing current events
on the other side of the globe.
For only a moment, I hear
all of humanity
speaking to me.