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I saw his car this morning. Actually, it looked nothing like his car, save the fact that it was long and boatlike. It wasn't even a Lincoln. Oldsmobile I think. It made me want to turn around in my tracks and go home. Wait for the mailman to come instead of having to go home and check the mailbox for a maybe. I have been sick. Each meal bubbles in my stomach waiting to erupt like some tepid volcano. I had hives last night for the first time in the city. I'm broke and everything I eat tastes like failure.
Never rent movies due back on a workday, from a place that is 20 blocks from where you work. I took the train. On the way to the store I was walking behind three high schoolers. Two girls, one guy. Around sixteen... seventeen. They were smoking. They argued that the boy shouldn't fight. He had stood up for one of the girls and hit someone. They told him he should have brought in a counselor. They sounded so grown up, and though they spoke in euphemisms, the only thing the boy carried was a large book in his back pocket.
They never come to my house. I always go to their apartment. I am starting to think that there is something wrong with my place. I wish they would tell me. Tonight it was planned for them to come by to at least see the place since I redecorated and SHE vetoed it again. We were exactly the same distance from either apartment. I even had a video at my place and we went to hers. We had a good time but I can't help but wonder what it would be like to not have to travel to get home.
I set up the table. I put the bills in piles according to type. I used my phone as a calculator. I stopped twice because it was too hard to keep totaling it up. But I finished, and I am miserable. He's got a new girlfriend, Priscilla, and that makes me want to eat. I'm not working. Eat. I am over seventeen hundred dollars in debt (with, did I mention, no job?). Eat, eat, eat! The only thing that stops me is fact that bigger you are, the harder it is to hide. And I've been reprogrammed by Slim Fast.
Dear Mass mailings, Go away. That is all. I got another one. From D.B. Last time I heard from him he was mass mailing to say that he was dropping out of college to earn some money. Now he just wanted to let the world know that he had given up on his music (there goes my hope of sponging rockstardom off of my friends) and is now driving a truck for a living. Now this is the clincher. He has met up with his estranged soul mate and they are talking marriage. As my piglet would say: Fuck me.
"The time has never been better to refiance!!!" Screams an email in my inbox. REFIANCE?! I haven't fianced yet! I haven't serious boyfriended since, oh god, before my 21st birthday. My platypus ex is having similar trouble with the rash of marriages. He proposed...a pact. The deadline is 38. I made some addenda but essentially agreed. I'll have boyfriends, his hetero life partner (who is in our prom photo) can sleep in a room above the garage. We'll have a dog and hire uniformed men to steam clean the carpets. He can do the dishes/while I go have a beeeeer.
I wonder if I will ever get out of debt. Val's friend's sister just got offered a job driving a steamroller for $35/hr. The things that I would do for $35/hr. It's so crazy to be here in NYC and young and feel so old. I would really like to feel young and free. I would really like to be able to run around the city and have silly times with someone. But I don't have anyone to be real with it seems. I feel I always have to be so responsible and I am not even good at that.
Hanging out with M, is driving me crazy. Honestly I have fun, but it's so much work. I thought it would be okay but I desperately need other friends.. Sometimes I imagine that I will meet some cool group of people at a coffee house I just happen to hop into. We went shopping at the Super K and granted it is a cheapy store, but dammit...its just a KMART for crying out loud. She spent the entire time with this look of disgust on her face and she said "I am way too cute to be in this
I am so broke. I wish I could make money appear out of the air, or maybe out of spit bubbles. Why do my bills go unpaid? Why do I work my ass off for free? I can't for the life of me get out of bed in the morning. I watch inane television and cry at commercials. I keep telling myself that when I go back to Texas for Christmas he'll forget about little Priscilla and want to be with me. It's ridiculous that a girl can't get a guy to buy her a drink around here. Fuck me.
I wanna be a rockstar. I feel like I can do it. I just need to find my chance. The problem is, me, in this city. I feel useless, like I can't do anything for myself. I broke my printer helping somebody else. A sign to be a little bit selfish? I mean there are gifts and talents that I have and I just let people use me. Walk all over me like I don't have the sense to do it on my own. I am smarter than a lot of the people I meet...they just have a better drive.
He doesn't sound like he did on AIM. When I picked up the phone I was actually shocked at how nasal his voice was. I wanted to laugh it was so comical. But she's with him even though she should be on her own finally. Away from her overbearing parents. Away from the cloistered life. And now she's saddled up with this Urkel. I don't know when she's going to take the time to get fixed, but she better do it before he proposes. She's really getting herself in trouble with this nasal John guy. I sense fear and trouble.
Could I PLEASE hit rock bottom so I could start the upward climb already? What does a girl have to go through before the breaks are cut? All I want is a semi decently decorated apartment with some comfy furniture and a boyfriend. I can understand if you don't want to hand over the man right away but come one.. You are killing me here. I work on myself to a fault and then I get nothing. Is there a way to convey that I am ready for a change for the better? I just want to feel
Anther plane went down today and I felt selfish. Selfish that I conceived the thought that Thank goodness I'm okay. I was watching Ananda's show and about to cry about the fact that all these women had boyfriends who were going to propose. I wake up alone. I don't even have a fish. If I didn't come back to my apartment the only people that would worry would be Morgan because I wouldn't be around to tape Pop Stars2 and Melissa because I am not spreading the gospel according to Berklee. I just want some stability, tenderness and broad shoulders
I brought my baby back to life. I am soo happy. I was so worried about my precious wittle one. I cried I threw things. I beat the wall. I just wanted my baby to be all right. I need my baby. I worked so hard to get him. So many months of waiting and then the carrying. I thought it was all over. He wasn't responding. He wouldn't even blink. I begged for the surgery to work... And I brought him back. I'm sorry but if talking to the $500 printer makes me crazy, I want to be nuts.
I feel so away of my body. I used to be so in tune my boyfriends would start counting days with me. No longer. Not living with boys has thrown my cycle to hell and taken all decency with it. All I want is my regularly scheduled programming. I don't want to be preempted or canceled. Just give me my 4 days a month miniseries of pain and let me move on. I am a homeopathic urn of cran-garlic and I can't take it anymore.. I need a boy to move in so I don't have to deal with this.
I am on vacation. Yes.. Yes this is a strange sensation for a work a holic but I think I am getting over the overachiever phase of life. I would really like to work at home and rearrange the furniture...you know whenever. I like living alone. You can sit around in panties all day, cook bizarre things that taste great and you never have to share.. Ooh and you can drink out of the carton. I am lucky no one visits, cause I would not have anything they could drink. Plus no one tells me to turn the lights off.
I am considering taking a workshop on Reflexology. I'm really interested. Maybe that is what I will do as Plan B. Go to a pastry school or something else like that. I just just hold interests in so many things....its hard to say that I am going to pick one things and do that. I prefer something a bit more indefinite, I suppose. Maybe I am sounding ridiculous? It's just all this planning I have to do. Can't someone just give me health insurance? I can't wait to get home and make myself a steaming hot cup of chocolate milk.
I talked to him again. He's done with Priscilla for sure. Yea... We knew. Funny I was just about to forget about him for break. Good thing cause the runner up is a joke and a half. I can't believe I have fall back holiday boote. That's just ridiculous. I am glad to be having boote at all this break, its so stressfull being without it. As long as he doesn't know how much I spent on the ticket we are cool cause we all know I paid too much for some no job having cutie jewish boy to visit.
I remember the trip back home. We walked out into the dewy twilight. The air was wt on our faces. I wrapped my arms around him and he held my hands and we tottered to the car. He kissed me before we got in and I was glad it was a long way to my house. We drove in fog. There were no deer, which was good, cause visibility was zero. We stopped in front of my house and kissed and joked around. Kissed hard, twice. Then he kicked me out of the car like I had done years ago.
I hate to be a good for now girl, but that's how I am treating him. He has no job, no income, nothing. The girls think I am wasting my time with him.... but there is something. I don't have many requirements. Don't get me wrong I am picky... But I would rather have a man who makes my life rich with laughter than someone who puts rings on my fingers and toes. I rarely wear the jewelry I own. It bothers me and I am too much of a rough and tumble girl to take care of it properly.
I miss p. He was really great. One of the better, best boyfriends. I think of him all the time, my closest friend. The one who at a time knew me best. I am so proud that he is pursuing his career. I wish that I could have the courage to do the same. He was always so supportive of me, even after we broke up. I am envious that he got to move in with his friends in a familiar city with his soon to be fiancé. I just wish I could talk to him everyday. He's so busy....
I fear I do a lot of mundane activities and mediocre things to achieve my goals. I wish something (a job) could just be handed to me. I am a hard worker. I just would feel a lot better about things if I knew when my debts would be paid up. I finally got the backlogged bills paid. ATT called me the other day. I had paid them and they hadn't gotten the payment yet. They called my house. I still have a shitload of that bill to pay. At least I am sorta caught up for now at least.
I've started reading this book. It's kinda dry at first. I don't know if I will finish it. I have already put down two books that I picked up. I feel bad for the authors..I mean, I'll pretty much read anything. I am anxious to go back home but scared to fly. I have to be to the airport SOOO early and then I have to travel on a little teeny plane. I am excited for the wedding and seeing all my friends, and close close friends. He's taking me bowling and out for a cherry limeade slush, extra cherries.
I don't know what is up with my thinking. I just go through the motions lately. I don't listen, I barely feel and I never tell anyone my opinion clearly. I just want to be able to speak clearly somehow. I think its time to go back to the music, but I am scared. There is so much out there and none of it is like me. Does that make me wrong for trying? Does that put me in a bad place? I just wish I had a better idea of what I am doing out here in the city.
I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. I want to be a rockstar. Fucking soon damn it.
I think I missed that day when all of us were hanging out on the coffee break and God came out and told us how to make friends at the office. I must have run out on an errand. Hopped to the store through the fast exit door and sped to some discount lunch counter. In my haste for caloric intake I missed out on a fundemental lesson and am left socially crippled. I have no buddy across from me. I look out for myself, the lone Rizzo in the Sandra Dee field. At least I get my kicks right?
Am I wrong to think that shoes should not cost as much as a house? And they should be comfortable? When did foot comfort stop being an option? I say that podiatrist and pedicurists around the globe have plotted this for years.. The manufacturing of ouchie shoes so that we, the working will spend our freewheeling cashola on foot rubs and doctor visits. Special smelling herbs and peppermint foot soak, spray, salt scrubs. Let me tell you massaging my own feet is no fun and I work for free, so I must have comfortable shoes. This conspiracy is not fair.
He was sassy tonight. It's weird sometimes he plays this young chaste man-mind game and other nights he is just on. Tonight he was high beam. I wish I could go back to the days we spent together this summer. I miss him being around when I wake up. I miss someone washing my back in the shower and trying to make me late to work. No... Not just someone. Him. It would be easier if he hadn't been so great with dealing with me. Having books to read while I ran off to finals.. Etc. He was so great.
We talked for a long time tonight. I told him about the date. I don't know why I excepted. I mean I think this guy is cute.. And he's kinda my type...but not really. He's the kinda guy that hangs out with your boyfriend. He's not a main character...definately supporting cast. We'll see I guess if the date happens. He told me to go for it, but we always encourage this dating thing. I really wish he would bust out with some jealousy...but he's not like that. At least I haven't seen him like that. I'm sure it could happen.
One day I will wake up and know what I want in life. Life in want I what know and up wake will I day one. Day one will I up wake know and I what in want life. I day one up wake will what know and want I what Life life. in I want in. And know what? Wake up and one day I will. One day. Wake up I will what I and know I life. Want in? Wake up one day and know what will life what I want. Life life what I and in want.
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