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Sarah Rachel Egelman
There are so many damn moths everywhere. The house is full of them. Every pillow or towel you move releases several, every shade you draw releases many. They sleep in the lampshades during the day, fly around the house at night, seeking light bulbs and window panes for escape. Some fall dead to the ground of natural causes, their corpses awaiting the vacuum. Others are hunted by the cat who quickly grows bored and leaves them wounded and flapping on the rug or end table. And there are more crickets than I remember there being before, chirping day and night.
Today I will ignore the obvious and tell you about how I slept in just a little bit and was awakened to someone knocking, quite incessantly, at the door. I peeked out the front window and could only see the back of a van. Well, hell no! I am not opening the door. He (okay, it could've been a she) knocked a few more times and then went back to the van and sat in it for a while. I made my way to the peephole and saw it was a glass repair service. I guess my landlord called them?
I went to Santa Fe today with Mom and Emily. The weather was nice and cool and the truck did great on the way up there. The folk art museum was as crazy and interesting as I remembered it and I could've spent a lot more time in there but we wanted to make our way to the plaza for lunch and look around there. The low point was getting in trouble at the georgia o'keefe museum for pointing at the art. Remember that everyone; don't point at the art there! They don't seem to like it one damn bit.
Went for my first walk today after not walking for four days; after four days of eating cake, greek food, nachos, pizza and numerous grilled cheese sandwiches. I was out of the house and on my way a little after 8 AM. I didn't pass any joggers, walkers, folks with dogs or kids until the way back and by then the sun was beating a little stronger. I really do need to get up earlier and be out on the path by eight at the latest. I also need to add about a half mile to the distance every day.
M__& D__ had the baby on Tuesday; little baby K is now little baby A__. I am excited to meet him and also to get all the nitty gritty details on the labor and birth. I want to put together a little care package with some food in it for them so they don't have to cook, or have easy things to cook for a while, but I don't want to bug them at all; might leave it on their doorstep, might just bring some goodies by when I come to visit the first time. It is all very exciting.
Well I got to meet baby A__ yesterday and hold him for a while. He is so sweet, beautiful and tiny and makes the neatest mewling noises. Yea Babies! On an unrelated and much less exciting note, we are trying to finally get the title for the truck—suddenly I am having bad feelings about the whole transaction. I am sure everything is peachy, but, these types of things make me nervous in general. I just want the truck title and to sell the pony so that task 1.0 is accomplished and well behind us. Now, pass the baby please.
If I was fourteen, I guess summer would be just getting underway. Now, summer is just a time of year that is much hotter than the rest. Unfortunatley, I cannot spend my days watching slasher movies with my sister or sitting on the curb smoking with Jeremy like I did in high school. Now, even when I don't have to physically go to work, I have to do work. I have to write, read, study, prepare. Which is fine; sometimes those adolescent summers were more frustration than I had bargained for. Sometimes they were sad months with a great tan.
I remember a song about a red robin, one about stars and one about a grey squirrel. I remember looking at the stars from the front window. I remember sitting under a table in the basement and my yellow metal bookcase. I remember summers of high grass, sunflowers, ticks and bees. I remember salty ocean air and my hair tangled from the wind at the bow of a boat. I remember sand and sugar. I remember a small upstairs room that I loved; it would never be mine and I was glad to leave. Never had a place called home.
Today I counted 20 places (houses and apartments that is) that I have lived in the past 30 years. Twenty seems like a lot, don't you think? And that doesn't count extended stays with relatives. The longest I have lived at any one address is five years. That is the house in Seattle. When we move this summer, the number will go up to 21, and that is assuming I didn't forget any places. When we move, I want to stay in that house AT LEAST 10 years—maybe forever. I am sick of this moving all the dang time!
The funniest thing happened during my morning walk the other day…As I got to the park (what we affectionately call the dog park; it is always full of dogs even though everyone in this neighborhood seems to have a big-ass yard—I can't believe people let their kids play there, it is so full of dog poop) I saw the parks & rec guy pull up in his truck and turn the sprinklers on. The only person in the park was an elderly woman with her collie. She started jumping up and down but her dog didn't want to leave.
Usually I write in the mornings, then I have had my walk and not a full day of work and a glass of wine. Tonight all I can tell you is that I cannot open this damn attachment; it is just a word document and I am very frustrated at not being the master of it…I mean, I should be able to tell the computer what to do, right? And then it should do it…? Well, to hell with it, I will look at this very important document in the morning. I am going to read about Malaysia then sleep.
It is really hard to believe it is June 12th already. This month is really flying by. For some reason it doesn't really feel like summer yet to me. It is hot and sunny and all, but for some reason, just not summery. I usually like to spend a little time in the sun, but due to circumstances I can't take a book out in the yard as is my inclination. Bella will have none of it, not to mention the dirt, ticks, piles of dog crap from dogs not ours. Not to mention the jaws of idiocy. Snap snap.
A true freaky Friday today and I wish I had taken better advantage. Instead I scrubbed surfaces, did lots and lots of laundry, finished one review, avoided two others, checked the mail, took a shower, did a little work, developed a headache. Instead I missed the game and just sat here, instead I thought about reading but didn't…The moon came up huge and full and silvery. Instead of looking at the sky I gorged on fettuccine alfredo. Now it is time to sleep. Sadly, there was nothing freaky about today at all. But I will sleep with the moon tonight.
We got a late start hiking today, and the trail, the "Albuquerque Trail" was a lot farther southeast of the city than we had anticipated. Still, the drive was beautiful and it was fun driving the newly registered truck on the gravel roads. The guidebook said it would be crowded but we only passed one other hiker. Then again, the guidebook said the trail loops around for a total of 5.25 miles but we hit a fence at about 2 miles up and so just had to turn around and come 2 miles down. The air smelled nice, like vanilla.
I have been so damn tired all day and I am not sure why. I haven't done much to exert myself this weekend; the hike yesterday was shorter than I thought it would be, and I didn't start really using my brain until a couple of hours ago this evening. But, perhaps it is this wind—blowing and reminding me I have so far to go so far to go and enjoy it will you can. Enjoy the wine, the ants in the sink because it is all changing soon and changing forever. It is all changing before your eyes.
Okay, the damn ants are taking over. They are tiny little assholes and although I would hardly call it a swarm or invasion it is really disgusting. I pretty much know that every time I head into the kitchen I will have to squash or drown a couple. What really pisses me off is that we are clean people---this house is clean, I swear. The little ants are impervious to my cleanliness; you'd think we left crap out on the counter for weeks at a time. My fear is that it will embolden the roaches. Only two more months….?
I cannot get motivated today; it is almost 10 am and usually I have accomplished quite a bit by now. But, I didn't want to leave my dream this morning and now I am dragging my feet about the house. I suppose I am a little tired of this routine---it is making my brain numb. I just want this summer to feel like summer and so far, it doesn't. But, like every other day lately, I will compose my mundane to do list and follow it to completion. I guess am just waiting for some kind of dramatic change.
The funny thing about yesterday was: nothing! Not a damn funny thing. The (new) truck wouldn't start and although it was relatively easily fixed by Dan the Man, it sucked ass because I missed work and didn't accomplish much of what I set out to accomplish. Tomorrow, I thought, shall be better. The joke is really on me because tomorrow is today (today is tomorrow?) and it was not so much better; quite frustrating, in fact. I won't bore you with the details because I already ranted to Emily (thank you, Emily!). And there is nothing else to be done…
I got one of those little personal survey emails; you know, fill this out and send it to all your friends and you will all learn a lot about each other. Well, I think they all know my name, living arrangements and that I like vanilla better than chocolate and summer better than winter and I really like cheese and tea and coffee and like to smell like amber, myrhh, vanilla or all three at once. Someone needs to come up with a revealing version of this thing. Start with your re-occurring dreams and nightmares, your bra size and allergies…
So I was out out in a what turns out to be a tomato red an nappy target tshirt, brown dickies corduroys, black chuck taylors and maybe some jewelry. I was a good sport I was a good sport and now it is almost 1:30 am and I have seen who I am going to see, have sneered at the rest, thought back, oh, we are so cool, and now am ready to sleep sleep, sleep all of that off, if it is really possible and I hate to see him this way because, does it reflect on me, wah?.
Usually I remember it is the solstice, but today I didn't remember until I watched the news this evening…my sinuses are full of cottonwood and dust and my right eyeball hurt all day. I had so much I wanted to get done today and didn't do a whole lot of anything except eat pizza, drive my mom's new Toyota, watch a movie, hold open a book to work on lesson plans but avoiding actually reading it, drink a lot of water and look at the pics from E & B's trip camping. I think tomorrow will be a busy day.
We looked at more open houses today, even though that's a deviation from the plan. We were encouraged by what we found so I guess it is a good thing. The bad news was the little kitty I was wanting to adopt turns out not to be a stray but our neighbor's new kitten who had lost her collar and crawled through the fence to our house. But she loves me more and comes to the name I gave her; this is just like with Nigel and I am glad we found out she's got a home quicker this time.
I am really not feeling very creative lately. All the writing I have done has been quite forced. So, I think this will be my last month of 100 words for a while until I find some new inspiration. Plus, I need to focus my writing energy on the reviews and the conference proposal for the next few weeks. It is not that this takes much time from my day, but it is just not as exciting as it once was so I think I just need a little break. I am sure I will come back to it, though.
Another day in crisis mode. Better than a day in no-mode, I suppose. I am up to my ears in reviews—I can only hope the books are good. And, in my non-existent spare time I am reading Irvine Welsh and the new harry potter (yeah, so what? it is a fun evening read; a great bedtime story…). I am not sure how I will get all this done, but I have to one way or another. Tonight, though, the bosque is on fire and I think I may have to go to bed early. There is always humples day.
I am not sure how but this week has moved right along. I know I can get through tomorrow because the past few days have been better than I expected them to me and that has given me a little more energy. Of course despite all of that, I couldn't sleep last night, and for some reason are not too confident about tonight. None of the usually tricks worked, the houses I build, the empty rooms I fill. Every detail meant to put me to sleep. Can't blame it on the crickets. Although I wanted to try, I could not.
Today is Dan's birthday…he is being snarky. The great snarkdini. Snarkles. Meine snarkala. Snarktiffic. Seriously snarky, folks. Snarkalific, snarktastic. All snark, all the time. 100 per cent bone fide snarky. Snarkcious. Shall I continue? Snarkly, snarkie, snarkini. Snarky Clarky. On the good ship snarky-pop. Snarky doodle dandy. Knock knock. Who is there? Snarky! Sir snarks a lot. More? More you say? Gimme an s, gimme an n, gimme an a, gimme an r, gimme a k, gimme a y…Why? Cuz' he's dang snarky!!!! Today is Dan's birthday but tomorrow the snarkiness must end! Farewell, Lord Snarkles, till we meet again.
The salvia were alive with bees. It sounded like electricity. And I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. Maybe it is the appearance of lost kittens or other helpless creatures, crossing my path every day. Maybe it is that summer is really here now, with its heat and sunlight and memories and long days. And I have been feeling frustrated lately, trying to remember how I was told that stress is just frustration over lack of control. I tried to take control but I get no response. And the bosque was burning. It was a hell of a week.
My headache finally dissipated a little after I got up this morning; I am still left with that post-migraine fuzziness and suspect that will last until tomorrow morning. But, I sleep well after eating a huge dinner and that (plus about 6 naproxen and 8 ibuprofen) makes all the difference. I don't know what brought this one on, probably hormones but maybe the sun, pollen or that bit of chocolate I had yesterday afternoon. It was nice, despite some lingering pain to ride the scooter about today in the fresh air and summer sunshine; poking though yard sales, record shops.
I will go to sleep with my hair smelling like chlorine, my skin dry, my eyes stinging a little but it is all okay—all in exchange for a good weekend. Friday in the sun at the game, dinner at Cervantes. Had a headache, it went away; Saturday in the blue chair, reading, relaxing, riding the vespa until T__ came over for dinner. We drove up to the heights for drinks at a shitty bar by the mall. Today I spent my morning at the flea market then saw M__ and the baby before swimming, and eating more NM food…
Flea market finds, June 2003: 1950's desk lamp (currently painted deco pink) $3.00; three plants- one aloe vera, one zanzibar aloe, one hawaiian umbrella tree $5.00 for all three; three books for $5.00; one weird framed picture of a paper doll with a flaminco dancers outfit on $3.00. There were plenty of things I wish I had bought like the cool folding upholstered rocking chair for $25.00, and of course, more books and some incense. It was a very hot day and I got a little sunburned. Mom bought a Tibetan monks begging bowl, very cool, very heavy for $10.00.
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