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The house sat on the hill, overlooking the city. Don't be fooled... it actually watched - intently. It watched the people walk from place to place, it watched the traffic lights change. Everything else stayed the same. The house was empty and forgotten, save one little boy who admired the beauty he saw underneath the run-down exterior. He went to the house every day, and sat on the cracked floor-boards of the front porch. But one day the little boy came to the house and found that it had been torn down. He sat and cried. Everything else stayed the same.
We walked along the edge of the world and forgot our respective places for a while. No one stopped to tell us to go, or to think of anything but nothing at all. I must have said something amusing, because you smiled. We continued on our way, on our way to nowhere, nowhere at all. I would give you anything - just ask. The night was dark and cool. There was nothing to fear, nothing at all. I looked over at you, and I saw that you were still smiling. At first I didn't know why. It must have been inertia.
I'm bored, yes, I'm bored. I'm secretly wishing that Silvia would sign on. Oh... watch out. I used a name. Dangerous. I wouldn't call her... it would seem like too much. I don't want her thinking that I can't stop thinking about her, even though I can't. I don't want to take all of her time, unless she freely gives it. Anyhow, I just want to talk. Talk is not cheap. Fuck that stupid saying. Whoever said that never spoke to Silvia. That's right... in case you missed the name the first time, I said it again. I should call.
This happens every time we are together... each time it is worse. Each time it is better. I want to go into my family room and sit in the chair and melt. I can smell you still. I don't want to smell another scent, see another sight, or taste lips until I'm with you again. You are absolutely beautiful. We have only a vary limited time to steal away from the world, but I've never had time better spent. When you are gone, I'll miss you more than... hell, more than I can say. But I will have these memories.
Tell me what it's like to close your eyes and refuse to acknowledge a person, a feeling. Let me in on your little secret. Let me in on you. Let me know you like no one else knows. I want to understand how you can turn it off and on, seemingly at will. If only you had developed this talent a bit better, I would truly be confused. Maybe confusion would be easier. But when you held my hand and said "I'm sorry," I melted. I knew that you were sincere and that you, too, had feelings you couldn't fight.
I wonder what the real world is like.There are probably far fewer complications... hypothetical situations abound in this place I call my own. There's comfort in movie scripts. No one cares what I look like, or how I sound. No one tells me that I'm out of line, because I never am. No one ever wants to go home. In the real world, they'd likely want to leave the country. In the real world, no one will read this. I don't really wonder what the real world is like. I just wonder what would happen if it was different.
Timing can be tragic. Bittersweet is a cliche and an understatement all at once. But as they say on Tralfamadore, there's no why, there just is. We're just bugs in amber. That's not how we see it here on earth, though. Of course, we don't know why, but we ask. And so it goes. I'll smell that beautiful scent for all of time and I'll have memories. You'll be a paperweight, a bug in amber. You'll sit on my shelf, and I'll look at you from time to time, but you'll always be forever far away. Tragedy can be timeless.
Worrying about everything is no way to live. The odds of a gamble are not the only thing to be considered. Look at the payoff. The embarassment you risk to put yourself out on a limb for somebody is nothing compared to the benefits that you may reap. People are so scared to live on the edge, but I've been there quite a few times... I've jumped - and lived to tell about it. Sometimes I fly, sometimes I fall, but I can't look back on what I've done - I'm looking at what I'm doing right now, and I'm happy about it.
Fucking cops. Fucking stupid motherfucking cops. Seriously... I was sitting there, not doing shit... I understand that you are doing your job, but get off your fucking power trip you small town nothing. There is no reason to try and strongarm an 18 year old guy and girl. Why the fuck do you need to see her ID? She wasn't in the drivers' seat. Why is it such a big deal that she doesn't have an ID on her? You stupid motherfucker. It's irrelevant. Find something else to do. She's a Romanian exchange student. That's why she has no ID.
It's good to find someone who can appreciate the bliss of nothingness as much as I can. We accomplished almost nothing all day. We walked around a city aimlessly all day long. Yet we agreed that it was wonderful. We ate a wonderful dinner. You tried lobster, calamari, scallops, sushi... all for the first time, and you loved it. You were so glad to experience something new, and I was glad to be with you. It is so simple, so wonderful. It is the little things, the truly fine things, the things in life that make you smile for hours.
Fight Club is about the loss of primal masculine instincts and the consumer culture that has slowly replaced them. It is about the thoughts and feelings of an individual who slowly realizes that he is not masculine, that he is a product of a consumerism society. It is about the fight for masculinity, but no one really knows what or where masculinity is. It is a story about what it is to have no name, no gender, no sense of self -- to be nothing at all. Welcome to Fight Club. If this is your first night, you have to fight.
We've all learned to be plastic. We've learned that we can fall, we can be thrown, and we can get back up and bend back an be just how we were, or close. Nothing can get through and nothing can get out and we all hope to not explode. No one likes a leaky cup, a broken toy. Put on your smile, Mr. Potato Head, and we'll all go on our merry ways. Keep those secrets in the shadows, keep those thoughts under lock and key. We all live in a happy town, and plastic never breaks. We never break.
I finally told you today how I felt. I had been holding it back for a while. It's not that you couldn't tell, I had just never vocalized anything. You said that the words were overwhelming. If they hadn't been, then they would not have been doing my feelings justice. You are beautiful. You said that you were smiling for two hours straight. I'm glad - just doing my part in making sure that you are never that old lady with a permanent frown. I care so much about you, I want you to realize how special you are to me.
There is nothing that can be done now. I am utterly helpless. We have said our good-byes and now you are prepared to leave the country. I'm staying here. I wish that we could be together. I would be happy to give you every second. I gave you all I had to give. You were the best thing that could have happened to me. You made me a better person, you gave me something. You cared for me, I cared for you. You will never know the joy that you brought me. I will never forget you. I love you.
I'm leaving for the beach today. You're leaving for Romania. There's a sickening feeling of finality. I'll still be able to talk with you, and I'll see you again... but something beautiful is ending. I never use the word "blessing" - ever. I'm going to use it now, though. I've only said it a few times in the past few years of my life... for me, it is a weighty word. The time I spent with you was a blessing. If there is a higher power, this was no mistake. If not, well... you blessed me with your time and emotion.
There's something in the air tonight, someone looking down at me, down on me. Where did you go? What was your final thought as you left? I wonder. I can only wonder. I can only listen to Travis and think that some day it will all be alright. I just sit here in my chair, wondering what you're doing and what you're thinking about -- where do I fit into that equation? There's nothing quite like nothing. There's nowhere like nowhere at all. There's no one, no one out there. There's no one quite like you. Here I am with myself.
I think that even flowers in the window couldn't convince me that it is a lovely day. Don't you feel the same? Ah, hell with it. Let's just watch the flowers grow. Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do but accept everything that is happening around you. I hate that I don't have control of the situation, because if I did... god, I'd give you everything that is mine to give. That's all I can think of when I lay in bed. I'd give you everything. I'd give you everything. I'd give it all to you with a smile.
Be a better person. Be charitable. Be safe. Don't lie. Look both ways. Eat three square meals a day. Wake up early. Shower prompty and start your day. Go to bed at a decent hour. 7:30 AM is not decent. Do something productive. Cut the grass. Do a favor. Keep in touch. Use your turn signals. Get off your ass. Stop looking at the fucking computer screen like it has an answer to your pathetic questions. Be nice to people. Especially yourself. You deserve it. Maybe not. Smile. Don't let on that you are hurting inside. Even if it's true.
I spend so much of my life looking forward to things... things that all too often never even come. I'd like to think that I enjoy myself, that I can appreciate the present, but I'm not so sure about it. I'm not so sure anyone can ever appreciate everything that they have. They can only appreciate some of it... and not for very long. Once they become accustomed to it, they don't appreciate it for very long. I hope I never become accustomed to someone. They'd hardly exist. So I wonder: Am I living or am I just killing time?
It really is important to care about something, or someone, intensely. Without that, life has little purpose. That's how it seems to me, at least. It seemed that way to that lady in Adaptation, too. It's like a reason to live, a reason to get up in the morning. I think that being totally carefree would have its drawbacks. Like not having anything to care about. Sounds like a cursed exsistance to me. I love caring, and other times I love not caring. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I know what matters to me. You still matter to me.
I guess this is a worthwhile thing to be doing. I mean - I think that it is a good thing to be able to remember how I felt and what I was thinking in the past. It lets me look at how far I've come, what has changed and maybe even why. Sometimes it is like I'm reading the thoughts of a completely different person. I probably am. Other people can read what I write, too - I try not to let that affect me too much. I try to be true to myself. After all, it's for my own benefit.
It's 2AM, I'm driving around... windows down even though I'm a little cold. The stereo is up too high, I can hardly hear myself singing along... I blend in. I want to hold your hand, but you're out of reach... hours and hours... an ocean and countries out of reach. "The parks lay empty like my unmade bed/The streets are silent like my lifeless telephone." When I get to my house, I look up at the sky and wonder if you can even see the same stars. "This is where I live, but I've never felt less at home."
I was thinking at one point that I wanted to meet someone like you when I went to college. I've decided, though, that maybe it wouldn't be right. I don't want to meet someone like you, if there even is someone else who is like you. It's not that I don't like something about you, it's just that you are unique and you deserve to stay that way. I've never had the pleasure of being around someone like you before, and I don't want to take that away from you. No matter, you're too unique, I'll never find another you.
The stars aren't as bright, the summer isn't as warm, the sun is always hiding now that you are gone. The trees aren't quite as alive, and now that I think about it... neither am I, the birds have all gone mute, and the flowers are black and white, black and white. Mostly black. I can hear my watch ticking, tick tick ticking, ticking away the seconds, minutes, months. When the breeze stopped blowing, I wondered if the world stopped turning. It sure as hell seemed to - mine, anyhow. There is just no good way of saying "I miss you."
Seperated by nothing but distance / You still linger on hot leather seats / I still linger on them, too / These stars aren't yours anymore / Nothing isn't happy anymore. / Soft and receiving / Smiling and giving / My arms outstretched, you glide on by / You're just a petal in the wind. / These memories send a haunting smile / My hand still lingers in dead, empty space / Space that you left long ago / This clock isn't yours anymore / Nowhere isn't somewhere now that you are gone. / Soft and receiving / Smiling and giving / My arms outstretched, you glide on by / You're just a petal in the wind.
People just don't have the gall to say "stop talking to me." Neither do I, usually. I don't know why not. It's better to just say it rather than let the person try to talk and talk and talk... and not really listen. And it is hard on the person when they finally realize what you are doing. It's really a shitty thing. I mean... I can handle it usually, but sometimes it can be pretty disappointing. I imagine it's that way for most people. We should all be a little more honest. Or maybe just a little more interested.
You know, I wonder sometimes if you miss me like I miss you... if you think about what would happen if circumstances had been different. Not that it matters. Circumstances are just out of control. Everyone knows that. Hell, if I could change anything I wanted, you'd be here right now. I'm listening to Sigur Ros, and if I could change circumstance... you would be too. Then again, it was circumstance that brought us together in the first place. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to curse it. Inertia is keeping me here, but it seemed to have overlooked you.
I'm half naked. I'm at the computer. I'm bored. I was watching TV. Now I'm not. I hardly was, even before. I'm hungry, but I'm not going to eat. If I eat, I can't brush my teeth for a while. If I don't wait, it tastes weird. I hate it when it tastes weird. I'm going to brush my teeth soon, so I can't eat. I'm half naked at the computer. It's my bottom half that's naked. Not that it matters - I'm alone. It's still naked, though... reguardless. I'm half naked and half awake. I'm at the computer. And hungry.
Maybe everything that happens happens for a reason. I don't really believe it. If it is true, though... it sure would be nice to have someone to tell you that reason instead of just knowing that there is one Who cares if there is a reason if you don't know it. Fuck that. I want happiness, not a reason. I better discover this reason soon. Maybe the reason for everything is to make you ask why, and the reason you ask why is so that you want a reason... and you forget why you were sad in the first place.
This month has been full of ups and downs. That's all I really need to say. Nothing else to adequately sum it all up. I wonder what next month will be like. There is a sort of seperation in months simply because of these entries. I look forward to being able to see my words all together. I don't know why. I can look at them whenever I want, if I wanted... but there is just something about seeing them as a continuous and singular body. I can see myself. Well, that's about it. Goodbye one month. Hello the next.
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