BY spazzed

08/01 Direct Link
Oh, the woes of an unrequited crush.

I can't believe I'm still hoping that he, the Most Gorgeous Freaking Being Ever To Step Foot On This Planet, ever noticed me as something more than a quiet and moody girl that I am), who keeps staring at him. We're not interacting in any way with each other, the most sitting close together on the bus — and that's just for two days. We don't sit together for lunch either, except that one time when barely anything was said.

I know so much about him, but I'm not even sure of his name.
08/02 Direct Link
Tonight, someone said I was a "quiet and good daughter", and my parents agreed. They, of all people, should know I'm not quiet. Even if I am around other people, I'm not "good". "Quiet and good" is not a very flattering term. It is synonymous with "boring", which I'm not.

I can't believe the heartache he's causing. I'm depressed over a stupid boy. A stupid (and by that I mean absolutely gorgeous) boy who would never ever fall for me. A stupid boy, standing so close today, who I'll probably never see again for the rest of my life.

08/03 Direct Link
In the morning, she was living out my fantasy with him and the cards and the laughing,

In the evening, she sat behind him for two and a half hours.

At night, we were standing underneath a newsstand, waiting for the others to catch up. He walked by. We didn't follow.

"Come on. Let's go!"
"No, it's raining too hard."

It wasn't their fault. They didn't know.

And that's how I lost him forever, unceremoniously amidst the rain and smog of Shenzhen. I don't even think he noticed.

This is the first time a boy had made me (almost) cry.
08/04 Direct Link
The Nissin Cup Noodles is brewing. Three minutes. It should taste very very good, as it's three thirty and I haven't had any breakfast. I had one during the holiday, but that was after I ate a very very full dinner and barely finished it. I didn't even drink the soup. Why is unhealthy food so delicious. I need to watch the time. I think it's nearly up.

Three minutes over. Peel off the cover, and indulge in that salty sweetness. This is seafood flavoured, and holy crab, isn't it fantastic.

This time I'm drinking the soup. All of it.
08/05 Direct Link
To be honest, staying at home with the computer actually seems unsatisfying and boring. It's probably just the post-holiday syndrome. The last week has been full of excitement, frustration, tantrums, searching, fright, disappointment, longing, fantasies and just a little bit of hope.

Dreamt last night. He invited me to this event with some animals (can't remember) and there was a seen where I (but not actually me) was floating around on a vase around a room. It doesn't make sense.

Lost season finale airs in one hour. A perfect excuse for me to scream my lungs out. For two hours.
08/06 Direct Link
Another dream last night. I was in a summer camp thing (he was there, but no interaction) and the apocalypse was on the day when the final task/challenge was set. Everyone started acting weirdly towards that day and right at midnight on that day, a ghost/spirit appeared in front of me. I managed to solve his problem (something to do with not having any descendants) and he sang passionately and went away. Everyone returned to normal. Then I woke up.

I have a lot of dreams in which I'm the heroine. But in real situations, would I actually be one?
08/07 Direct Link
We were scheduling our next Chinese lessons and she said the Friday after next — the 25th. I was wondering to myself, why does that day seem so familiar, until it dawned on me that it was my first day of school. Two more weeks. Can you believe it?

Where has my summer gone? 8th July to 24th August. A total of 48 days. Six days in China. 42 days left. 42 (geeklol). Was my summer wasted? I seem content, but is this really what a teenage summer is supposed to be?

Next summer, I'll do something. Something, which I'll remember.
08/08 Direct Link
I'm scared of going back to school. My best friend is gone. I still have other friends, of course, but it'll probably take another few years for me to act, well, me. Would I be able to make friends? Would I sit in the classroom, alone, in lunch? Who would I sit next to in class?

I don't like the range of extra-curricular shows our school offers. It's all sports and music. Where's the academic stuff for us people? I was going to join the science club this year, but they went and changed it to only accepting year sevens.
08/09 Direct Link
Someone is tapping very hardly on my floor (their ceiling), which makes the ground vibrate and it's also very, very loud. Reminds me of the Mr whatshisname from Friends with his broom. Maybe the guy tapping would get a heart attack. Okay, he (or she) has moved on to another spot of the house.

This is what it takes for me to actually open up notepad and write the words. Not the leaving of my best friend and the farewelling of her in the airport today, but this. The tapping of the floor apparently affects me more than her leaving.
08/10 Direct Link
This is the reason why I hate Thursdays. She barely teaches me any piano, but fiddling with her clothes, looking down at her cleavage, and not so subtly checks out herself in the mirror instead, while I go off thinking about everything but the song. When she plays along with me, it hardly helps, because it confuses me about whether I played the right note or not. Scales are even worse - it's like a game of catch. She manipulates my fingers before I even have time to think which makes me start all over again, just to annoy her.
08/11 Direct Link
The cables are tangled again. I have too many of them. They're lying on the floor, sometimes getting stuck in the wheels of my chair, begging to be unravelled. And that's just the smaller USB cables. The ones leading to the back of my computer is a mess. To locate one, I just pull on one end and hope other cables (usually the broadband) won't be pulled off with it. A while ago, I saw these really useful cable tidiers in IKEA. Don't know why I bother, because it'll all fall back down and mysterious forces will retangle it again.
08/12 Direct Link
My feet are killing me. I can still see the ridges left by my socks on my feet. I can barely bend my toes. I could barely walk and half-hobbled to get the pencil and the sleeping buddha postcard to write my words. My big toenails hurts when I touch it, brought on by the stupid uncomfortable shoes my mum made me wear. But it was worth it. The Genome Revolution was fascinating. Besides the genetic engineering debate, I also wondered about what a clone of me would be like. How would she turn out? Would I envy her (myself)?
08/13 Direct Link
Sweaty palms, sweaty hands, sweaty forearms, sweaty backarms, sweaty shoulders, sweaty chests, sweaty backs, sweaty necks, sweaty faces, sweaty ears, sweaty nose, sweaty hair, sweaty thighs, sweaty calves, sweaty feet and sweaty clothes.

Everywhere you look there's people. People who you'll probably never see again. You look down the street, and there's a hundred lives going on, each oblivious to your existence.

Also: right foot feels like a vessel has burst, red nose, long lines, no games, multiple dolphins, multiple sea lions, and two pandas, one of which only has a few years to live, according to the average. Pity.
08/14 Direct Link
the clip seems to be useful. theclipseemstobeuseful. I can't see it. It's annoying the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track. I'm not going to give up on this one. I'm already on set 4, which I consider a huge accomplishment. I've never been able to finish, or even nearly, a riddle without cheating. It's pathetic, really, how easily I give up. But some of the levels are really clever, and it is really satisfying — fist punching the air satisfying - when you've finally got one, and every clue you've seen falls neatly into place.
08/15 Direct Link
Going over what I notebooked in the past. I did a lot of stuff from Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF, All my base, are belong to you. HA. I love that one. I couldn't stop repeating it in my head for a while. Also: When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteroite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

I really, really want to internet shop. And buy a mugglecast tshirt.
08/16 Direct Link
Remember the crocodile that nobody, not even the aussie nor the mainland expert, can catch? It was such a huge thing back then. This morning, I was reading south china and on the bottom of the front city page, there's an article about a "Pui Pui" moving to the Wetland Parks. I didn't even realise it wasthe crafty crocodile until the penultimate paragraph. She apparently (I didn't know this) was caught seven months later when she swam into a trap laid by department staff. Her name was given after a contest which had 1600 entries. Blast from the past indeed.
08/17 Direct Link
During dinner, my brother mentioned a guy who's quite a genius. I think I read about him in the yearbook. He won the gold medal of a maths competition and he got (overall) ONE MARK OFF one of his science AS levels. He said he got into Cambridge studying Natural Sceinces. This guy is my idol.

Before that, he talked about a guy, same year, who looks like he is in the late 30's. Worse, he thinks he's so smart when in fact, he's not. I think I know who he is either. This guy is my worst case scenario.
08/18 Direct Link
I just realised the back of my right hand have little pen marks over it. It was probably done yesterday night when I was sudokuing and left the blue black one uncapped when I switched to the red one. They're not covering a really big area, but it's kind of mesmerising when you look at them closely. A bit like tribal tattoos. The Sudoku Tribe. Where every Sudokian's limbs and clothes are covered in little pen marks. Their holy book is of course, a book of sudoku that has sufficient blank space for them to doodle in. Very important, that.
08/19 Direct Link
Sometimes, I act like a total airhead. The blonde in the jokes. The "like, OMG" teenager you shake your head at. The most popular girl in the school that the female protagonist in a high school book hates and/or has for an older sister. The Shannon (though she actually grew on me, right before she got bammed).

For example, I laid my dad's clothes on the bed because I couldn't close the door probably, and then forgot it was there. Stupid, I know. Then, I made a pfffssss noise by reflex after I proclaimed I didn't know something.

Like, Totally.
08/20 Direct Link
Packing my bag for school on Friday. Five more days. My whole summer's gone. Just like that. There's a gigantic stack of paper balancing on the edge of my sofa which consists of all my paper work. A plastic bag is sitting next to my windowsill carrying all my old books, bits of paper, some of my brother's old textbooks, and somehow, a book of sudoku got in there as well. On my lap sits my reading journal. It's interesting to see my cringe-worthy cover and my P6 handwriting. According to my friends, it's much neater than my current one.
08/21 Direct Link
Playing Bowman 2 while listening to the end of Pottercast 52. I'm just continually shooting arrows at a ninety degree angle and watching them fall back down on to my head. Every other arrow gets bounced off with a nice metallic clink sound. By chance, there are two birds that got shot and are now stuck to my head. Ooh. If you shoot two arrows one after another quickly, they bounce off each other, with that nice metallic clink sound. Woot. Two birds in a row. Seriously, my head doesn't even resemble a head anymore. I'm surprised it's still standing.
08/22 Direct Link
Best dream ever last night. He called me up, invited me over, liked me, held my hand, ran away from the parents and mucked around in shops. dream!him is apparently called Joseph (seriously, where had that name come from) and his birthday was September 26th (pretty close, since he's half a year younger than me).

Then, it merged into The OC where I was going somewhere with Ryan, Seth and Summer, and saw a beautiful full moon when in fact, it should be a waning crescent or something. The last time I've seen a moon was weeks and weeks ago.
08/23 Direct Link
Fate, by definition, means the supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events. Seems scientifically impossible, so sometimes, I deny it.

I say, in a conversation in my head, people want to believe in fate because no one likes to think that life is just random. People like to think that something would just HAPPEN without them doing anything.

But I like to, too. Sometimes, I believe in it desparately. I'm not a opportunity-seizer. Sometimes, I just say to myself, something's gonna happen, somewhere down the road. Especiaally, with a boy, because I'm always too damn scared to do anything.
08/24 Direct Link
Awake at 3 in the morning with Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man But You" stuck in your head isn't the best thing. Especially when the door is slightly ajar and you have two blankets on top of you, which you don't dare move away because of the door. Also, the air-con is making weird noises now and then which make your eyes snap open and search around the room for unwanted visitors. The night is scary, but it is beautiful. There's something mysterious about the night. At night, the air is suddenly clear, and the sky is all yours.
08/25 Direct Link
It's official. Pluto's been demoted to a dwarf planet. Eight planets left. This really is quite huge. So much would have to be changed, but it's nice to have an actual definition. Just not so long ago we were doing posters on a planet in ICT. Almost all of us had a picture of the solar system consisting of 9 planets. NINE.

I remember first learning about the planets. It was in P1. Mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune Pluto. It had a nice rhythm to it, and the high-pitched Pluto was a perfect end to the sequence.
08/26 Direct Link
Back to school yesterday. Was so exhausted when I got home (in the new big pink bus and it was so goddamn noisy and had so many people that I doubt I would even remember half of the unfamiliar's names, or even recognize them), that I fell asleep while lying down reading Shoebox (part eighteen, "lessons in cartography" - the part when they meet McKinnon.) Didn't wake til nearly midnight. Struggled a bit to sleep again.

Obsessed with Picross. Getting quite good at it. Why am I good at Picross, Sudoku, those kind of games, but absolutely suck at chess.
08/27 Direct Link
Sometimes, I think too much, and it drives me crazy when I'm trying to sleep. Maybe it's to compensate for my lack of speaking during the day. My head just keeps yapping on. Like yesterday, I was wondering about light, imagining the light rays, and decided that I absolutely do not understand them, and got a headache. Mostly, it's not things I should be thinking about (ie academic things), but just about, well, anything actually.

I try to imagine a blank white space, when I'm tired of all the wondering, and then wonder to myself, why not a black space?
08/28 Direct Link
Putting up a hand to answer a question. Easy, right? No. Somehow, it seems that doing it is against my beliefs? I don't even know what beliefs. It seems kind of pathetic to put up a hand when about ten other people has.

I'm seriously considering RS as a GCSE subject. I'm not religious, no way, but philosophy and ethics, which we're doing this year, is really really interesting. But there's also History and Geography, and I like them both. I think I can take two, but which two?

I hate talking about myself. What the hell do you say?
08/29 Direct Link
The new science textbook is in front of me. It's not a textbook that is to be actually used in class, but for us to take home and do things like place it underneath cups, wobbly chairs, or mouses. It smells like a typical brand-new textbook. It even has a plastic covering.

Flip flip flip. Sun and Earth. The Solar System (including PLUTO). Satellites in orbit. Wait. I saw a section on the Big Bang earlier on. Flip back.

There's a picture of lightning. In the most/least real sheet, lightning was one of the options. How is lightning not real?
08/30 Direct Link
If I were a guy, I could insult friends (playfully) and not worry about them getting mad.

If I were a guy, I could goof around, and have it dismissed as just 'being a guy'.

If I were a guy, I could actually bear drama. I may not be able to act, but the natural 'guyness' would get me through.

If I were a guy, I could be interested in sex, and not be considered weird.

If I were a guy, social and physical awkwardness would be considered totally normal.

If I were a guy, I would not be boring.
08/31 Direct Link
Last day of the month. 31 days. 3100 words. If I submit today's, my thoughts would be out to the world, which is fine by me, unless the world means people I know. Oh, jinxed myself. Now, someone would stumble on to here and RUIN MY LIFE. Darn.

I never really did acknowledge the start of this month, as I was busy obssessing. When I found this site, it was in mid-July, I wrote something (which turned out to be exactly 100 words without editing). It was actually quite good, including Pokemon Silver and everything.

Here's to another 3000 words.