I didn't think you could hurt me, the way you did yesterday. You got so piss drunk I wanted to cry. You have no respect for me or any of your peers. God help me--I thought I loved you. But how could I care for someone so stupid? How could I not see? I wanted so badly to hurt him the way he hurt me. But he just continued drinking. Laughing out loud. I want him to go away. I want you to go away. And all I hear is your laughing. All I want to do is cry.

So here I sit alone again. Listening to my breathing. Tuesday's troubles seem almost forgotten, but the door of memory is still ajar. The silence is deafening. I want to stay mad at you, but in my heart you are already forgiven. I couldn't let the anger eat away at me and tear at my chest. But why are you being silent? Where are you? I call but I hear no answer. The apology is lost in the silence. Sigh. The response is still unknown. Should I pick up the phone and dial or continue to wait. Wait. Wait. Wait...

I am numb. I picked up the phone last night and dialed the nine digits into the keypad. I lifted the receiver to my ear. I waited for four rings until you picked up. You answered with a groggy "Hello". You did not apologize. I was silent for some time, not sure of what to say. You began to explain yourself. I sit there listening in the dark. Then it became hard to stay angry at you. I hate when you do that. Somehow you make the big things seem smaller and all I can do is smile and laugh.

I'm so tired. It seems that sleep has an odd effect on me. Either too much or too little sleep still makes me tired. So tired. How does too much sleep make one tired? It doesn't make much logical sense. But when did logic ever make sense? I'm so tired I can barely stay awake. I'm so tired but I do not want to sleep. Don't want to sleep?? Now how much sense does that make? So exactly how much sleep doesn't make one tired? It's all in the balance of things. But there never is much balance is there...

A year is still a year and a moment is still a moment. The days go by, leaking into weeks and then months. Seconds become minutes, and hours just keep ticking away. Where has all the time gone? No one seems to know. What is the value of life? Not many seem to care. All this time I've sat here wondering. All this time I just wanted to reach out and hold onto the only thing that I never wanted to lose. Time is constant. A rose is just a rose. Life goes on. And time still ticks, ticks, ticks.

I'm bored. I'm so bored that I'm thinking of an escape route out of this place. I could tunnel my way out of here, but I don't have a shovel. I could run into a wall and try to make a hole through it, but that could also mean that I might end up in another room therefore meaning there is little use for escape. All this thinking is hurting my head. Why waste the effort. Just takes too much work anyways. Just five more minutes left.. Think I'll just stare at the wall for a bit. So bored. Bored.

All the laughter dies tomorrow when they realize you're a fraud. A child lost in his father's garments. They thought you could bring them hope. They thought you could bring happiness. They were fools. Were they? Look where hope got them, it opened many doors. Look what happiness gave them, it opened their hearts to love. You were once the warm glow of butterflies. Now you're no more than a dull buzz of a silenced scream, pale against the blood of people who died innocently at your hand. And silence blanketed you. Silence drew you into its arms. The laughter died.

Penny

Penny penny. One, two, three. Penny penny. One for you and one for me. Penny penny. Give me a penny. Penny penny. Take a penny. Penny penny. Four, five, six. Penny penny. One for you and one for me. Penny penny. Give me a penny. Penny penny. Take a penny. Penny penny. Seven, eight, nine. Penny penny. One for you and one for me. Penny penny. Give me a penny. Penny penny. Take a penny. Keep a penny in my pocket. Penny penny. One, two, three. Penny penny. In my pocket. One for you and one for me.

Today, I am concerned with today. It's not so cold outside, but it seems that everyone is still pretty bundled up. Hat, scarves, mittens...their breath coming out in puffs of smoke clouding around their faces. No one seems to care much for the trees, barren and cold playing games with the sky. The branches blanketed in snow. The ground is a mucky slush, it is no surprise that things will be warming up soon, but tomorrow will be cold again. Today, I am concerned with today. It does not seem like people care much about anything but themselves anymore.

I see you suspended from the rearview mirror, not quite suspended, but rather seems like you are getting smaller and smaller in the distance, threatening to turn into a tiny speck so far away from anything that anyone has ever known, turning into particles and miniscule specks of nothingness. So what's going on...you're slowly drifting away, you're eyes sunken into that skull like sea sponges that are so thirsty for water. You're so thin...thin like this line, thin like the letter "l", when are you going to eat. When are you going to stop looking like you disappeared...

There is still time, there is still time. I keep telling myself that there is still time, but when will there not be any more? Tick, tick, tick...the clock keeps ticking...tock, tock, tock, the clock goes again. There is still time, there is still time, so when will time run out??? When will time run out? Tick, tock, tick, tock...the mouse runs up the clock, but there is no mouse...just tick, tock, tick, tock...I have five more minutes...five more minutes till what? Five more minutes till my time runs out. Tick, tock, tick, tock...

Isn't there any fresh air anymore, nothing is ever for free...not even the air. Imagine oxygen masks twenty years from now, people stringing along tanks of air, not for free...stale and immobile. People looking like a creature out of a novel by H.G. Wells, inhuman...unable to breathe. If this is what the future holds, oxygen masks and unethical laws of nature, there is little hope...more pain and unnecessary suffering. we're so far gone from being able to go back. Give me the days when oxygen masks were just a nightmare in the back of my mind.

What do I do when all I feel is this pain, the pain I feel in the middle of my chest just won't go away. You aren't there to comfort me, you left when the rain covered the ground in tears. How could you leave me, why don't you care? I cannot count the days when you were cruel to me, but I still keep coming, I still keep going and you are always there with a knife in your hand ready to attack. Your words splice through the air like acid over my ears, they burn, burn, burn, burn...

This is the angle your tongue makes when you form the letter "l". This is the shape your lips make when you form the letter "o". This is what a "v" sounds like rolling from your throat, through your teeth and over your lips. This is the position of your tongue when you form the vowel "e".

L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E

Say the words over and over until you are delirious and I will spell them for you over and over again as I taste the elixir of language on your lips. The smooth liquid vial of sweet love.

Experience this, the child that is inside you. The spirit in the palm of your hands...wants to break free and take you away from this place we call reality. This place that not many of us want to call home, and jumping off this mortal coil seems so real, so natural. And I cannot tell you what it is that I am feeling, I cannot tell you what it is I want to do, because I have yet to know what I truly feel in my heart. Somehow I will find strength to brave the storm for another day.

Dig a hole and tunnel to the centre of the earth and all i see are millions of miles of earth..just piles of dirt and piles of dirt. there is no where to go in this darkness...no where to run, no where to hide. i'm just stuck in this hole, struggling to survive. dig, dig a very big hole, dig to the centre of the earth...where you can't find me, you can't bind me to anything. I won't let you control me, I won't let you hold me. You won't, I won't let you come near me.

Sooooooooooooooo sleepy. So so so so so so sleepy. Sooooooooooooooooo sleepy...so, so, so, so, so, so sleepy. Can't keep my eyes open. Can't keep my eyes open. Sooooooooooo sleepy...so, so, so, so, so stupid. Beyond tiredness...eyes closing slowly. Sooooo slowly...don't think I can make it...don't think I can make it...just one more hour, a few more minutes....few more minutes...better make it a few more seconds. Can't make it to bed...too far away...going to crash, going to sleep...soft, wonderful sleep. Can't keep head up...lowering slowly, slowly, slowly to the table...good night!

Where were the days of roses and sycamore trees swaying in the wind. Where did the days go? I could swear that it was only yesterday when you took my face in your hands and kissed me full on the lips. But I was only dreaming. The sun was playing tricks on my eyes and I could only have been staring at the beautiful essence of you taking my breath away. The kiss that never was. That never will be. And as I look into your eyes you smile and I can swear I feel your lips on mine again.

Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? I've finally found you.

Tell me exactly what is going on here because I have no idea what's going on. It seems that I have forgotten what I am supposed to do. Is this how you hold a spoon? What is that for? You say my name is XXX? Really? Since when did...and that...oh, you don't say...yeah, I think I get it. No, that's not right...you sure? So this is what it tastes like...that's what it's supposed to look like...ohhhhh. So what's this for? And that? Where did that come from? Oh my....that's what you do for fun???

All I want is for you to love me and for me to love you. But why can't I love you? What is holding me back? You're so wonderful and I want to love you...oh I really want to. But you're too perfect, you're just too perfect and I'm not perfect at all. How will we ever be if I'm in pieces, how will we ever make it if I can't get it right? You're everything I've ever wanted and all I can do is sit back and stare into your eyes...into the emptiness that I call loneliness...

So what is this we have here? What is love? This love that you said that we had but it never really existed...why are you doing this to me? Why is this place a hell hole in the ground forgotten by years of ageless dust...why are we standing here again. Why? You don't seem to understand me, you don't seem to care to even ask why....we're standing here again and you won't ask for directions, you're standing here again and I just want to yell at you but the words just past through you like a seive.

I am so confused, how is this making any sense? I can't tell right from wrong or east from west...you've really done it this time. You've pointed the compass needle the opposite direction and I can't tell where I am anymore....how do you have this ability to skew the tables and make it look like it was all my fault? How can you do this to me...I don't get it...the jello is melting, the green is appearing...you're making me sick...the insides of my stomachs turn over. And over and over and over...you make me sick.

Today smells like crap...can you smell the crap that's sitting at the bottom of your chair? Because this whole place smells like crap, the crap you've been sitting in since the day you were born. fuck this is good shit...I don't know where you got it...but this crap is what I'm sitting in right now, and I don't care because this is some good shit. I can't tell you how you're making me feel...I can't describe what I think is real. But this is some good shit...oh you're making me so high. You're making me high.

I don't know if I love you. Do I want to love you? I'm so confused I love all of them, I love all of you, but do I really love you and only you? I can't tell...I don't know, my head is spinning in circles and then the whole room is filled with you, the air I breathe is of you and the soul in me is bleeding you....I can't tell if it's you I love, is it you I want? You're just everywhere...following me, haunting me, and I can't tell if I really love you.

Can barely keep my eyes open..half closed to the world. I think I'll sleep in tomorrow, there's no point waking up early if I know that I can be late. Want to close eyes...so sleep deprived, think I need sleep..really need sleep, so much sleep, must get sleep...so much sleep...need sleep...so bad, really want sleep...need sleep...so bad. Really want to place head on pillow right now...just catch some sleep...wonderful sleep, need some sleep...wonderful sleep. Want so badly to drop into bed...want so badly to sleep. Just to sleep.

Sitting in a car not very far not knowing what to make of this empty space and this empty line. It sucks to be you...it sucks to be you, to feel like you feel to look like you look and to do what you do. It sucks to be you, it sucks to be you, it sucks to be you. And what sucks about being me? Because when I'm you, and you're me, it's all a jumble of mixed jargon, I don't get it...the only reason I do well because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. You suck.

Give me a dragon to slay...it sucks to be you after can be concert. I don't know anymore...it just sucks to be you, sucks to be you, sucks to be you. I want a dragon to slay...but cut it up o to tak i=e and it's jellow...witink. What is this in my derlieriious state of mind I can't tell what is whree I don't know anymore..jus tlistening to music an asking yu to slaw opps I don't know hat this is...ce could be n ruphivery much so you are empty...and I want to be....

who are you and what do you want? i don't know what you're talking about. sure I'll hold...one, two, three....too many minutes have gone by, ok mister, where are you?ahmmm? I don't get it...where are you? Where are you? Where???? I don't know what to tell you, just take it or leave it. Take it or leave it because I don't want you here anymore. Don't you dare touch my son, he doesn't nor he shouldn't have to know you. And now I'm kinda stuck in the middle of it all...what do I do...what to do?

I just talked to you before and you didn't seem to care. But I don't really know you like I thought I did. You just make me hurt inside...not the same feelings you'd imagine, you will never know what it's like to turn those feelings inside out. Those feelings splayed on a silver platter, spat on with little resistance. Splatter spots leaving a mess everywhere. You'd never know just how much can be done when you're the very centre of everything that I do. You are the very centre of me and I'm only a step outside of you.

The guitar is strumming along to a familiar tune from not long ago, but there is little use, little substance in the players heart. You can't make music if you don't feel it in you. You can't make music if it doesn't consume you. You can't love music unless it becomes you. So let the notes wrap you in it's essence. May you breathe every staccato and sigh with every slur. May your fingers never leave the chords and form every note as a hummingbird. May your days of lovely music be wonderful and wonderful and wonderful. Oh so wonderful.