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"Misery loves company". I cannot seem to shake her away, she just clings onto me as if I were her only life line. Like a sinking stone I am trapped under her heaviness. I am broken under her gaze. She won't let go. She just won't let go. I am a fool for welcoming her in. I know that she clings, I know that she's needy...but I let her in anyway. I let her in because secretly I love her company as much as she loves mine. I am lonely and Misery always knows that I need her company.
I love running. I'm afraid of who I am. I run. It's the only thing I can do right. I run. It's the only thing I know how to do. I am so afraid of failing despite wanting to succeed. I am so afraid of falling in love despite my endless search for it. I just run. My heart and head are always in conflict...I just don't want to listen anymore. I run. I will keep running until someone makes me stop. I will keep running until the whole world spins and I have no where else to go.
I secretly believe that I'm just faking it. Somehow I am just pulling on rose coloured glasses over everyone else's eyes. I'm afraid that people are going to find out that I am not a wonderful writer, I do not have profound thoughts or original ideas that speak so beautifully in prose. I am merely this puppet that passively jots down a few thoughts and puts them on paper. I just sit in front of my computer hoping for ideas to sprout. I'm not a
writer. In my own mind, I'm just a thinker...a dreamer...a tired fool...
Can you hear what I hear? It's calling me closer to you...voices dancing along the moonlit paths by the docks. More than just a memory. More than just a dream. Can you hear what I hear? It's calling me closer to you...I can feel the gravity pulling me towards the moonlight. Can you hear them calling? Their message is faded yet it is so clear. I remember this voice called to me as a child. Now it is calling to me again, and this time it's bringing me to you. Shhh....listen. Can you hear what I hear?
I lack the confidence of a leader, but I would like to lead nonetheless. I don't wish to follow by example, I want to set an example. I want to voice my own opinions. I would like to be heard. I refuse to be another puppet. I refuse to submit myself to being another number in a crowd that is already growing. I wish to be remembered for the things that I have done. I want to make a difference. I want to lead so that I will not have to follow other's mistakes. Let me lead and you follow...
Someone forgot to tell me what was wrong with this picture...someone forgot to tell me that the flowers don't grow here anymore and I was just staring blindly off into a charred field of rubble. I sit in the chamber of your lies and I sit waiting. I'm afraid that you will pull the world out from underneath me. I can see the foundation crumbling. I'm afraid of everything that you can do to me. I thought that it would be love. You forgot to tell me that it won't last forever. You just forgot...how is that fair?
Touch. Touch. Touch. Piece me together with the feel of your fingers. Feel your way through me, a lock that wants a key. Touch. Touch. Touch. I tremble under the warmth of your digits as they map my body with not sting of wandering eyes but with the honesty of open palms. Feast on me with the hunger of an infant that longs to be held. Touch. Touch. Touch. Your hands comfort me more than your words. They explore but never invade. Piece me together with the feel of your fingers because your touch is all that keeps me alive...
Head in the clouds and nothing's going to change. So much needs to be said but no one wants to tell you. The sun burns you and you're still standing around for a sign from God. Can't you see that you're just falling through the cheese grater? I wonder how you can keep your faith when I have already lost faith in God. You don't hear what the other's say because God is all you hear. I envy you and your love for him. I wish that I could bring myself to have faith is something that I can't see...
For love or money? If I choose love I may get burned. If I choose money I will look like a gold digger. We crave love, we crave money, but which one has a place in our hearts? There is no reality in "reality" tv. You can't find love in a small sample of women in a matter of a few weeks or months. Love takes a long time to unfold, much longer than any "reality" tv show can afford to keep up with. So between love or money, I'd take the cold hard cash. After all, it's only television...
Tell me. I'm still a bit fuzzy on the details. If I wake up lying next to you, remind me if I was sober or piss drunk last night. Either someone took over my body or my memory is fading faster than my age. I can't recall what I did in the last 24 hours, I keep hitting a wall. I hope I didn't kill anyone last night. I found blood on my hands and it's not mine. There's a gun under the mattress and the smell of sex in the covers. You have A LOT of reminding to do...
I'm sitting in the ballroom, it is empty now. The dancers are gone and the lights are dimmed. The DJ forgot to remove the record. It's playing an old 80s song. I can't remember the voice singing the words. I get lost in the sound of pianos and trombones. Funny how this place was once so lively and now has lost all indication of life. The clock on the wall seems to have also died. I lay myself down on a plastic chair. I just let my fears go. These tears won't stain...no one will ever know I'm here...
Voices immortalized in the eve of Winter's mighty chill. Her kiss lays red on my nose and leaves me shaking on the inside. She tickles the branches of the trees and plays with my hair, leaving my face exposed. My eyes feel like glass forced to stay open for fear that they will be frozen shut. Her work is remarkable. How she makes life in what appears dead. And each time I speak in her presence, I am reminded of how my words are real.
Objects don't have the power to hurt or to heal, only people can do that.
Strawberry sunrise, you make me feel like I'm the only one that bathes in your beauty. Is there no one else watching you in wonder? I wonder if anyone's watching you and admiring you as I am now. I watch you with a heavy heart. Tears form behind my eyes, but I don't feel like crying, at least not yet. If there is anything to save in this world, you would be the picture I want to keep. I'm just a spectator. Is there no one else watching you in wonder? Strawberry sunrise, thank you for letting me feel again...
I wandered into the Promise Garden not too long ago. Couples were dancing, looking into each other's eyes, they were so happy. Each pair had so much hope in their eyes, they looked so in love. Here I was standing there watching them. Here I was alone amongst the pairs of bodies dancing close together symbiotically. I felt so out of place. Here I was alone without another body dancing next to mine. Here I was alone. It seemed that everyone had someone to love...everyone but me...it seemed that everyone didn't have to try...somehow I was still alone...
I have learned the necessary crime of writing
since I was a child I knew thoughts could not be
held by language
nor could fearsome simplicities resonate
clarity of vision
submissive absence or presence
Lucid as the pattern of the alphabet
I could not touch you with
the reversible precedent of translation
nor could I break the lines like bread
On the margin
I searched to name the nameless flesh
beneath the paradoxes of fear and joy
I sit erect
seeing myself reflected
in the long knot of sentences
hoping to trap you
in the words and
spaces between them
I often write invisible letters to you. They are the letters of heartache, fear, joy, and confusion. They are the letters of things that I am scared to even tell myself. I write them because I know that no one will ever read them. I am afraid to reveal to you all these feelings that I have trapped inside of me. They turn into tumultuous waves of longing and forgetfulness. I wish to fall into a deep sleep. Invisible as these words are, these feelings are not. I write them so no one will ever read them. Not even you.
all that comes out
is a coffee black
naturalness of reproach
and words that used to be
I hide between the
dust and echoes
where I know that
I am invisible
I think about
breaking your words
the geometric impossibility
of my naivety
allow me to succumb
to your toxic syllables
I eat every letter that
falls from your lips
even though they make
a crown of thorns
No matter how much
from the fall
into your verbal snare
I know that behind
is the man I want to bring back
Unspoken knowledge clings
to the paper walls between us
we play our words like shadows
one by one
becoming imprisoned outside of tangibility
My hand pressed against
the faded imprint of your open palm
I want to tell you that
it was your name
that I spelt in circles
I still wonder
who built these paper walls
where I can familiarize myself with your outline
but our words cannot penetrate
I miss the hum of your voice
vibrant like electrons
To think these walls
thin like paper
could never hurt us
ready to rape the day
On hands and knees, this love has taken its toll. I can't keep breaking down. I just keep breaking down. I'm trying to find scaffolding to jump on. I find myself dangling from the cleft of forgotten rubble. Chasing in circles. Building it up. Breaking it down. I don't want to let go. Break it away. Breaking it away. I don't want to let go. But I want to break away. I want to let go. This love has taken its toll. I can't keep breaking down. I just keep breaking down...can't keep breaking down. Just keep breaking down...
What makes you think I want you back. What makes you think that you can run and keep coming back. I don't want you back. Don't you see that this is not how it's meant to be. This is not how it goes. The phone rings but I won't pick up. You can't keep calling. I won't let you come home. No, no, never. This is how it's going to be. Listen. I want you out of my head. I want you out of my dreams. Give it up and don't come back. No more phone calls. No more. Never.
I want to put some soul into my voice. Spinning around in what looks like a rain of melody. I want to stay in this moment and feel the love that surrounds me. I don't want to melt into the past. I just want to stand secure in my confidence. Fire won't compromise this fear. Put a little soul into my voice. Look around and let me be what I am. Let me be who I am. May the sundrops calm me. Don't let this be our last goodbye. Catch me. I want to stay. I'm broken, but not gone.
You won't give in to the scarlet ideals that I try to wrap around you. It doesn't take much to realize that things aren't going my way. You don't love me. I know that you don't love me. But I keep crawling back...I keep trying to find footing on ground that is already crumbling. Staring blankly into the diamond sheets. Just a faded memory. Bruises won't go away. I'm just a bystander. I'm just a particle on the other end of the looking glass. I'm wrong and I'm bleeding. I'm crawling and I'm falling. You don't want me back.
Boys are smelly. They reek of ignorance and foul language. I hear more profanity come out of their mouths than I do when I am with my girl friends. Have you listened to the games that they play? How childish they are? Have you turned your nose at their insistence to douse themselves in cologne? Do they honestly think that a women will be attracted to them because they smell like they fell into a vat of Old Spice? They should realize that girls love them for how they make us feel. Boys are smelly...but we love them anyway...
I've never would have fallen here if it weren't for the tiny girl that led me through the forest blindly. I wouldn't have fallen into this hole. Into this hole. Into this hole. I'm so lost if it weren't for you. I need some time with you. I need some time with you. Something tells me that this is where we'll stay. This is where we'll be. I'm here because we're just falling apart. I thought that you were my support beam, but you just fell apart. Here I am in this hole, waiting for you to pull me up.
Slipping away. I'm never going to regret this. I'm going to seize the moment and take a chance on you. There's nothing that will stop me. I'm not going to let anything bring me down. Never going to regret how I've lived. Going to seize the moment and take it for a ride. Going to seize the moment. I'm not going to let this slippery road win. I'll find a way to get through to you. I'll find a way. I'm not going to regret this. I'm going to take a chance on you. I'll take a chance on you.
I'm flying high on your words. I can't seem to find the ground. You make me feel like I can't control myself. There's nothing that won't make me seem like I'm falling forever. Anymore of this will make me go insane. I can't seem to find the words that will make me see things right again. There's nothing that seems to be going right. I can't seem to keep my head straight. I dream of us together. Here I am daydreaming again. I am high on your words. I can't find the ground underneath me. The words float around me.
Cry if you need it. I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, but it's okay. He's not going to be coming back, it's just you and me. He's not going to be coming back, it's only you and me. Cry if you need it. It's not like it will do any good. He's not coming back. He's not coming back for good. Cry if you want it. Cry if you need it. But crying is not going to do any good. I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, but it's okay, it's alright. I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, how about you?
I don't want to break. I feel like I'm cracking on the inside. I don't want to cry when I know everyone wants to see a smiling face. Can't you just walk away for a while? I want to be alone tonight. Can't you leave me alone for a while? I want to be alone tonight. I can't seem to figure out why you can carry on. Is life for me so painful? Is feeling broken the way it's got to be? I want some love to make things right again. Feeling cracked on the inside isn't helping me out.
Searched beyond your face
a man I did not know
One that tested me —
I tried to chew the inedible lies
that you fed me
struggled to digest each story
word by word
with the feeling of dyspepsia
crawling up my esophagus
and burning my innards
to stomach the acrid taste
served on a platter
Somehow I was left
with the bitter taste
forgotten and served
the worm-like virus
I foraged for something tangible
that would fill me
to the brim with comfort
I came up empty handed
Enter the world of stain glass
a place of solace and purple haze
the saints live here —
like drops of blood melded with blue
stunned by fertile brilliance
in the pain of being human
stains the sunlight
wrapped in silence
Yield the vision of
the unreasonable world
where amber hues imbue
Enter the world of stain glass
a place where shadows burn
the fallen angels live here —
etched by the dotted
languors of speech
like light thickly marbleized with latent heat
charred by sudden clarity
in the pain of being human
stains the moonlight
wrapped in silence
Throw me into the sea deep away from the roaring waves. Bring me to Poseidon with his holy crown of sea fish scattered in rows. I can taste the ice cold water between my teeth. I can taste the sea salt in the air that I breathe. He raises his hand and raises the roaring sea a few feet above my head. It is he who drowns my cries. They are washed into the sea. Washed into the sea. Weaving between the crevices of his holy crown of fish. Whispering in the eaves of ice cold sea salt roaring above.
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