another 100 words I don't even want to write them without you this was our thing and now it becomes mine alone it has come to this I am defeated I'm through I have so much left to give and nowhere left to put it and I'm sorry and I'm trying to be whatever you want me to be I'm trying to be ok with less and I'm in love with you but I lost you somewhere I guess I can't say I'm surprised but sometimes I want to beg you to let me see you just one more time

where are you going do you long to see me like I long to see you why do you never seem to need me deep down do you really miss me or do you know it's only time away from the day you say goodbye it's the distance it's not working I've met someone else and how can I explain I'll never be happy with anything less than you no one can ever live up to what I found in your arms in your eyes in your presence I'd never been so alive I never will be again without you

nothing every day I become nothing to you how can I compete with her I'm not as cool I don't have as much in common mostly I'm here she's there every day that I don't hear from you I know every time you never say the things you used to say I know and now I don't even think you'll want me when I tell you I can come to you again maybe I was just a fling maybe you don't feel any of it anymore maybe I'll die of agony maybe someday I'll stop dreaming of holding you again

I'm dying to love you I'm dying for a past that has slipped away before I was ready to let go you started a fire and you've left me here to burn what will I do without you who will ever live up to you no one will have your flame-kissed hair no one will have your milky skin and one thousand freckles for me to kiss no one will have your elegant hands the depths in your eyes no one will tease me to perfection only you know how to play me perfectly and you may never play again

slowly you speak to me less and less it's rare that you're online now you don't answer most emails you don't respond to my flirting you don't respond to the sweet things I say sometimes I don't even know you anymore compared to conversations before we're just small-talking it's killing me I wish you would just tell me if you don't need me anymore just tell me if you missed me would you ask me to call you if you missed me would you want me to visit would you act like you're in love with me if you are

your ghost words in my ears your ghost smile teasing me from a ghost screen your ghost heart that once loved mine the ghost passion that was ours everywhere I go your ghost love everything I do your ghost love our ghost future drifting past our ghost four days that I only imagined your ghost affection and your ghost attention the way you wanted to see me the way you longed for me body and mind and soul the way you hungered for me and left me hungry for you your ghost that has made a ghost of my heart

just read our conversations from june so innocent we were so passionate you were so easily I gave myself to you and to our plans we planned on years we planned on forever we admitted to our fears but we never thought they'd become a reality I never thought I'd lose you you promised I wouldn't and I believed you but you are gone now and it's not your fault I will learn never to trust you are the only one I will ever give myself away to completely you are my first love the truest and purest of all

lost track of the number of days since you got online it's crazy it's busy for you my dear I've always dropped everything but I've never expected the same for you my dear I've always put you first and I've never expected you to do the same for you my dear I put other things aside and I've never expected you to do the same for you I swallowed my heart whole and you told me you did the same I guess you've digested it but I feel it sitting hard and heavy in my stomach left there to rot

I've made you into a fairytale with the ending they never tell after happily ever after when the princess has no need of a prince I've made you into a fairytale all creamy smooth and flaming red my fantasy brought to life the fantasy that is the end of me the dream that came true the dreams that were crushed and sprinkled all over the backyard of our fairy-dusted plans for the future that I wrote in blood and you wrote in light lead to erase when everything else changed little fairy-tale don't you know you'll always be my dream

I could do a memory for every day but I think I've been haunted for far too long now because images of you at a gas station in pier one fixing your hair in the hotel mirror holding mocha outside the door driving in your car glancing at me shyly the first time I held you the freckles on your cheeks the curve of your shoulder the shape of your hands I memorized you too well I burned your image in my memory but they need to go because they leave me broken tear-stained and will not give me peace

if I was there would it be different if I was there would you still crave my arms if I was there would you have stayed in love with me if I was there would you still look into my eyes with so much heat if I was there would you still desire me if I was there would you still want to tell me everything if I was there would you still long to sleep curled up against me if I was there would you still be in love with me if only I was there, instead of here

I think of you like the last sunset as I beg the light not to sink beneath the horizon forever I think of you like the last note of the most beautiful song I'll never hear again the last echoes of its melody drifting to me across the wind I think of you like my battered poetry that sinks beneath the waves of my twisted and shrunken heart the only thing that hasn't died are my words you will always inspire my most beautiful thoughts you will always be my greatest muse even when you have gone even in memory

jealous in my head like you are mine like you were ever mine I guess it was just everything I thought I guess it was just the wanting and needing to belong to you I guess it was you saying you're mine and I'm yours and I got all confused and I couldn't write it off and now I could spit fire at anyone who holds your mesmerized gaze I could run them through with the heat in my chest or yes stab them mercilessly with a long sword- for having what I long to have and had- your desire

I wake up drowsy slip into the shower force myself out position my hair with my fingers slide into some clothes stuff my books in my bag and grab my wallet and my phone forget my keys take off down the street ignoring the stop signs sit bored through class controlling my thoughts repressing my memories distract myself with friends force myself to study I watch tv mindlessly I write it all down every day happening I look back in utter amazement that I have made it through all those days I am amazed that everyday will happen without you

they say hey look girl you've been living without her this whole time so suck it up get it together cause you can't do this to yourself get a grip move on find someone else there are plenty of fish in this goddamn sea so get out of your puddle look up and see the light which is that there is no light no hope don't be stupid don't be foolish don't be naïve I told you so didn't I? and I'm screaming back you don't know you didn't feel her in your arms she is the ocean to me

dumb hypnotized transfixed as all of our words from start to finish roll in front of my eyes passion and red and screaming desire aching tender words careless speculations wild fantasies dreams plans for a future that never existed time was truly running out and we thought it was only running away with us and I thought this is it and there it streamed before my eyes until your words became so few and distant like summer to winter I solemnly blame myself and love and then I only feel lucky to have been loved by you like that once

I don't know why red fades before blue was I red to you and not just you was I red to my mother until she found her husband and had no need for a child was I red to my high school friends when they found out I was gay was I red the whole time have I been fading the whole time am I a shooting star and then a brilliant memory dust that still stains your hands where you placed them on me is my blood red still red or has it too faded into a deep blue

I'm running out of things to say running out of words to give I've said all that can be said all there is left to do is look into my eyes but I'll ask you not to for now because somewhere along the way I've found some kind of dignity and if you look into my eyes I'm afraid you'll see them begging and pleading raw and aching I'm afraid you'll turn away in disgust I'm afraid to be what someone else was to me too desperate too naïve and my love for you is so much more than that

if only I could reach out and comfort you give you any strength I have pull you close to me take your burdens for hours or minutes but all I have to give are words that drift away in the wind and lose all that I mean to tell you words that have never been enough and are never enough to explain what is written in my heart to explain what hides behind my eyes it will have to suffice to say that I love you with more love than my fragile heart can hold more than you can fathom

this new life it pulses it beats it moves to its own rhythm very different from my life in march dominated by darkness and entrapment very different from my life in may dominated by freedom and lies very different from summer dominated by you now I'm dominated by the vast emptiness that I will make my own that I will claim and discover and shape and fill this is the time in between time when worlds hang before me and the one that I move towards is still unseen and unknowable a world with or without you I don't know

no one wants to hold you the way I want to hold you and I’m the only one who can’t no one wants to protect you the way I want to protect you and I’m the only one who can’t no one wants to love you the way I want to and I’m the only one who can’t no one needs to soothe you the way I do no one yearns to give you security stability peaceful sleep the way I do if only I was older lived closer if only I could be what you need me to be

I want to know will you want me someday I want to know do you see us together I want to know why do you love me I want to know do you still need me I want to know will I ever hold you again I want to know will we ever truly be together I want to know how do you feel yes I want to know how you feel every detail inside out about me about heather about dirty helen your family every feeling I need to know your soul because I am in love with it

how will I wait when already the setting sun draws me west how will I wait when already I yearn to drive south like those hot days in july I know I could be there tomorrow I glance wistfully at my keys on the desk but now would you take me would you be happy to see me or would you scowl and tell me to leave now is not the time so I wonder how will I wait never is the right time it seems how will I wait with your face embedded in my heart tell me how

god girl I've loved you before I knew you existed I've loved you in my mind when I closed my eyes and saw my dream lover faceless and nameless you filled in those spaces you showed me love in a million ways and my heart will never forget you and the gift that our passion gave to me pure and true like the others never were and first like any other never will be I have loved you all my life but I wonder if you will claim it someday like you used to or send it back to me

all of these mindless girls filing back and forth clear see-through like plastic wrap they bring out everything I see in you they emphasize it they say everything right they play everything out but I'm numb to it I hear nothing but what they don't say and the echo of your voice I notice everything they lack which is everything you have I see nothing but what they can never be and that's you I think you've claimed me and now I'll never want another I'll never know what it feels to be completely alive and whole again without you

I learned it from you my stoic answers avoiding questions control the conversation by betraying nothing of myself I learned it from you keep my distance don't let her know I'm hurt arm's length and it's all my game I learned it from you don't lose an inch stay on top of it all and removed from it all aloof it's not hard to do cause I learned it from you change the subject inadvertently steer it the way I want it to go and if you're good you'll pick up the clues why not? I learned it from you

used to be your favorite subject was you and me now I can't quite figure out what exactly you're asking for what you need from me my offer has been out on the table since the day we were born and you've taken pieces of my me and turned your back on the rest so I'm wondering what should I offer now you tell me where to go and I'll fly there does the question you just asked me have a purpose this is me trying to guess your meaning this is me squinting at you're fine-print book of rules

sometimes I see you so clearly inside and out sometimes I understand you so fully I feel you hanging heavy next to my heart sometimes I want so badly for you to see that I love every layer of you you have so many layers to hide behind sometimes I wonder if it's possible for anyone to want to understand you like I do sometimes I wonder if it's possible for anyone to need to love you regardless like I do does anyone else long to hear your heart like I do and love everything in it like I do

I wonder if the stars look as bright where you are tonight I wonder if you'll forgive my childish enthusiasm for your love after all this time I've tried to stay as distant I've tried not to show you what's obvious: I adore you I long for you wherever you are I hope you find joy but I admit I also hope that wherever you are you are thinking of me too wanting me just a fraction of the way I want you I hope you aren't annoyed by my insistence or my endless drive and capacity for loving you

final words maybe the last so much I could say a jumble of thoughts is all I have mostly I'm sorry if I made things worse for you and for me though I miss our carefree days I have traveled an indescribable journey since I met you through love and patience and time you have taught me so much about myself you have blazed a trail across my heart your love has been my greatest treasure and the most important lesson I have learned is that I can love someone without withholding and I will never be the same again