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Today is a dark day. So strange since its so often seen as a bright new beginning...a whole new year. But today, all I see is dark. I see work and pain and time away from friends. I see confusion and heartbreak and nothing good of this time now. Maybe Im just tired, or maybe Im just hungry. Hopefully this cloud lifts soon, I hate to bring others down with me. Even with her last night, nothing seems any brighter. For shes gone now and I dont know when I will see her face again. She, she is my key.
Even with little sun and even less outside today seemed brighter than the last. Smiles around me and new things to do. Not much change in the whole of it all, but for some reason today it doesnt matter. Because today my feet are lighter and my head clearer. Today the sun beams through the clouds above and show me the truth of tomorrow. She told me she loves me today and that seems to be all I need. And so tomorrow comes, with a chance and hope of everything new. Lets hope tomorrow comes. See there, how many times did I say hope?
Well would you look at that, Im smiling. Its night and Im all alone couped up in this room. Shes on my mind always and when I see her face I smile. I have always thought that the smile you make while alone is the smile you truly mean the most. And I do mean it, every word I say to her is true. But why can I not believe what she tells me and doubt her ways. She has broken my heart before and held things from me and I find out the hard way, but maybe its time I just trust her. Afterall, she says she loves me.
Still no sun in the sky and the ground is cold and hard as ice, but inside I am warm. I know she loves me and I know my family loves me. Never have I been so content with being so lonely. I know Ill see her again and so its ok, its all okay. Ill just continue writing and playing my hours by and then get off and get a life again. Further my education and work or just work and work forever. While neither sound too enjoyable, I would actually love to get back in the learning stream of things. I feel my mind wasting away.
Sleeping half the day away has become a normal thing these days. I wake up to a setting sun play my evenings away doing nothing. But her call comes and keeps me happy to be alive. I tell the time by her phone calls and tell my life on when I get to see her next. I really dont think this could be anything less than love. Even today, as I step out into the dangerous, unpredictable world to find my own life, its with her on my mind. Maybe working and learning will help time pass between the times I see her.
Today is the day where it all begins. Today is the spark plug of the engine that is me growing up. I must search for job today and become a full time student once more. It may be a community college, but atleast its something. Being in the city again should really give my brain just what it needs; change. I just hope that a job and school doesnt completely stop me from enjoying my life, it has done this before. So I will keep my headhigh and my heart in love and all will be well. I feel it.
Tired, stressed and in debt like no other. Ive never looked forward to work before, but I need the change. Today, looking for work things were new and eye opening. New faces, voices and the smell of new buildings. Shes always with me, her, the one I love. But, even the sound of anothers name from her mouth is enough to make me believe Ive already lost her. Sometimes I think I want to, to stop dealing with this pain and with the jealousy of her just trying to be her. I just want her to be happy, but its killing me.
So tired and less to worry about. New things on the horizon are keeping things slightly brighter than the night. I wish things would have been done right at the right time, then this would all be so much easier. But things happen for a reason and, as usual, its all my fault. Maybe all this hardship will only make me stronger and appreciate everything I do and will have more. Holding a 9 to 5 is not something I want to do, but it is better than this. Most are better than this. She will be gone until saturday.
Its almost been a full day since I've talked to her now. The irony of it all is that she is closer to me now than usual, yet further away than shes ever been. Yesterday, talking to her, I didn't realize I would miss her that much. Perhaps had I known how I'd feel today I may have said things differently, or held the conversation a little better. It's the days like this, when I feel like this that makes me sure I do love her. I just hope she really knows this. I try my best to show it.
With hair in my eyes and snow on the ground I wake up to a gloomy gray day and shower. Early morning showers seem to really bring my attitude down for the whole day, which is not good. But today, nothing was wrong enough to bother me. The bank is calling, the money is gone and Im on my way to fixing that. But while I wait those debts are growing. She is still gone today and I have not enjoyed a word from her since she left. Her voice will melt the snow and bring out the sun again.
A letter of debt arrived today, killing my mood and making me wish I were laying in bed with a face full of pillow. Hopefully work will come soon, this needs to be fixed or it will become permanent. She came back today and we talked for hours. I miss her voiced so much and had not realized it until I heard its sweet tone over the telephone tonight. Even with all that is bad, she makes it all seem so good. Education would be a nice distraction these days, but it looks to be something of the far future.
Woke up nearly in the evening today. Attempted another form of work and kept myself busy with the computer. I thought about her and talked about her with other people. How is it I am so infatuated with her? How is it I see her face in every beautiful thing I see? I think its love. I really do. But Im still torn at the fact that I feel I'm ruining her life. She says she only needs me, but I feel she needs so much more than that. I feel like restraints on the life she should be enjoying.
Another wasted twelve hours of light and another day to weigh on my conscious. I feel as thought I am getting heavier by the day and feeling like everything is just a bit darker. I need to get out of this, out of here. There are little things keeping me going these days. She is the only sun breaking the clouds in this dark world I've come to call home. She is the only hope in my future, the only flower in the cemetery. Her voice can make the songs of hell sound like harps from heaven. She is beautiful.
Today the black clouds have finally filled my skies of hope. That is all but one small shimmer of light. The only light that is, is her. She tells me she loves me and that is all I need. The banks calling, the police are calling, but her calling is all I care about. It is Infinite hope. She tells me not only that I can still be ok when she says those three words, she tells me I will be ok with her. I don't think I would be surviving this without her. I pray these clouds clear soon.
I woke up feeling ok today. No earthquakes shook me from my bed and no tears were pulled from my eyes. Some time separated from my family really got my mind on other things. Selfloathing as I may be I still know someone loves me in this world, because she tells me every day, every time we talk. Through this hell house and poorness I will always have her to look forward to. Just need to get through today and tomorrow and then another. I can do this. I can do this. She told me I can and I believe her.
Never ending as it all is, I'm growing used to this environment. Staying in has become a new lifestyle for me. Waiting to talk to her is my life. Things looked up today, when everyone smiled. I felt good for the first time in weeks. Its days like this that make me wonder why I was questioning my life a few days ago. I can make this. I can live this one out. So now I am opening my horizons to new things. Dropping my walls of opinions and letting in some new ideas, things I would never touch before.
I woke by the sound of falling snow today. Funny, I never thought that was possibly. But I woke and stared out my window at the beautiful mess of white with nothing but a smile on my face. Everything beautiful reminds me of her, she's beautiful. I ignore all the thoughts in my head of losing her now. I can only think of how lucky I am to have her. At first, I questioned the truth of her and me. Now I see I have nothing to question, she's mine forever. I think I will go think about her some.
The sheer silence of my house today is enough to kill me. I thought I would hear from her from now. I have sat staring at the phone pretending to hear her voice in my head. I swore I could smell her today, with every scream of the wind outside. I hope she's ok and I hope she's still mine. And that is all I think about today. Tomorrow I will hear her for sure and thats all thats holding me together right now. Where could she be? I hope shes not laughing at anothers jokes or holding anothers hand.
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste" These words were, for some reason, the first thing that crossed my mind this morning. Is it possible taking this year off from college is going to cause my brain to forget all the schooling that has been my life until now? I feel I should be challenging my brain and that waiting too long could cause me to fail when I find it time to challenge myself again. All I can do now is challenge myself creatively like I should be doing. Im glad I told her I love her today.
Her voice won't fill my ears today and so I take her place with music that makes me think of her. We talk, through text and tiny pixilated faces that mean so much of nothing. I can't hear the sweet sound of her soft voice or the loving squeal of laughter from her beautiful face. My imagination runs wild with what she's really thinking, feeling and doing. When her voice is telling me, I know exactly what she's doing. She wonders why I leave the night upset. I can only tell her nothing is wrong, the text means little now.
A debate with my close friend tonight left many questions in my heads. Questions I thought I had already had answered were resurfacing in the sea of my brain. He could not find a reason for being here he said. I told him I would give him a thousand reasons. When he asked what those were, I could only think of one, and that is love. John Lennon once said its all we need and as the days go by I could never agree more. It is what drives me everyday in this sad story I am currently calling life.
One of my favorite song rings through my head today. I found myself humming it in the shower. While so simple, it just sums up everything that can make me smile. I see her face in the foreground of a bright beautiful sun, smiling at me with all the love of the world. "All we ever wanted was Love and love and happy afternoons Watching TV from your room While you're laying in my arms And I know it's not fair to me To see your smile walk right by me Every day, will we ever meet the right way"
I only saw the world through glass today. The cold could freeze hell today and I don't really want to experience that. So, today I watch and write and do not much of anything important. Except today, doing nothing was okay and I'm glad I did. No matter where I am I can still see her face clear as day. I want to touch it, I want to touch her. I hope I can see her soon, or I am afraid her link might crack. Nothing has had me more afraid than this before. I just feel her drifting away.
I would love to write down what she meant by that today, but she just would not tell me. I wish we had a completely honest relationship, I think it would make this easier, atleast for me. I have never lied to her, never. I am beginning to think that having a completely honest relationship with someone is an impossibility. Despite the lies, I still love her as much as the first day I told her I did. I think with every new lie I only show how much I love her more, proving that Ill stand by her.
Today is normal; I wonder how long it will last. I saw happiness in everyone today and everything was ok. I told them I loved them before I went to sleep. I couldn't tell her I love her because she wasn't around. I waited for hours to hear from her, but I didn't. I felt I was left with a hole in my heart tonight. I suppose Ill just go off to bed and try to pass my dreams as sorry replacements for her. This is amazing, really, that I can't sleep without telling her goodnight and I love her.
The cold wind cuts my skin like a razor blade today; I almost think this is a good thing. The hurt I felt and saw today I haven't seen in weeks. My family is falling apart. The love of my life suspects something between me and her friend. Is this some sick joke God? What am I supposed to do? How could you love me and make me feel a bullet through my head would be the best thing for everyone right now? I hope one day you tell me, and I hope that day comes before I go looking.
Her beautiful voice puts me to sleep tonight, like I haven't slept in weeks. The comfort of my heart in her hands is more firm than it's ever been. The emotion that fills me when I think about her is so much it frightens me. When I see her I feel as though I'm going to cry. Never in my life have I wished for anything more than how much I'm wishing to see her now. Tomorrow I'll be on my venture to getting back to her. I'll be doing my all from now on in order to see her.
Today I feel like I've been wishfully hoping everything is so good while it's really not. She just doesn't know what she wants. She tells me she loves me, but when am I going to see it. I'll see her soon, and when I do it will be beautiful, like her. I wish I could see her face everyday and hear her voice. All this time apart is killing us. I got shaky for awhile about us and now it seems to be her turn. I can pull her out of this like she did for me. I love her.
She made me feel so good tonight, telling me how she really feels. Like a breaking storm she finally saw it all truthfully, I hope it stays. She realized my pain and felt it too. Maybe this is just another common link that will bring us even closer. Closer, I don't know if that's possible. I feel as though our souls are being spun up in a galaxy of love. Sometimes I don't realize how much she means to me and sometimes she forgets the same. I want this to last. I need this to last. She's why tomorrow comes.
Like a medicine she makes me feel like everything is ok. I feel as though I need her dose or I cannot function. Her love cuts through me like butter and brings me up so high I feel as though I can never come down. And then I don't speak to her for hours and hours and I get so low. I don't know what I did to deserve her perfection, but for whatever I did I will live out every second of the rest of my life thanking God for his beautiful prescription. I'm almost grateful for this sickness.
Well, this long, long month of loneliness is nearly over. So far, while shaky as they are, our love has held us together. I wake everyday yearning to see her and finally, in six days, I will be able to. I can only hope she holds strong. She has said things to me lately that have really hurt me, things that should never be said. But I understand, and I have to be her strength right now. I dream of the day when I will be able to hold her when she's cold and wake with her in my arms.
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