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I'm feeling bitchy tonight. It's nothing in particular. It's not my sweeties, or the kid. Maybe I'm tired. I don't know exactly.
I feel like I could use a vacation. Something totally outside the realm of everyday. A trip, or a weekend of sex at a hotel, or... I don't know, something. Nothing is really new and/or exciting.
There are ups and downs, there's some drama here and there, but it's not new. It's not taking me anywhere I haven't been before. I guess I feel like I need something really different in my life. I just don't know what.
i'm really bad at arguing. bel and catherine have managed to find ways to get around the horrid patterns we learned from mom, but i haven't. i still do that ugly sarcasm thing. it's not that i don't mean some of the stuff i say, but i never mean it in the way that i say it. i think what it really boils down to is that i hate confrontation and i want it to be over as soon as possible. but hurting who i'm arguing with doesn't really accomplish that. i need better tools to deal with my frustrations.
Don't try to make it better.
It will never balance out. No, don't tell me I don't know that. I do know. Nothing will ever be enough. I'll still live, in spite of that. I'll squeeze every last drop of joy I can out of life, but this pain will never heal.
He raped his six-year-old daughter. Over and over. He let his friends do the same. And in a way, he killed two of his daughters that day, though I wasn't the one that carried his chromosomes (the baby was).
Don't try to make it better.
again. i can't count the number of times we've written that word as the first word of an entry. tired, tired, tired.
i feel a need to back away from things. to normalize. to work on mindless things, like cleaning house, watching movies, reading. to buy ourselves things, to isolate somewhat. i want to let others do things that comfort them. i want to get sunlight and good food for all of us. i want clean clothes and soft, clean blankets.
and i don't, don't, DON'T want to deal with anything dramatic or stressful. just calm, gentle, peaceful space.
classes we want to take:
russian, or maybe latin (catherine)
painting and watercolor (egypt)
piano lessons (me and bel)
sound recording (me)
african american history (me)
women's history (catherine)
anything computer graphics, web design (egypt)
yoga, t'ai chi (good for the bod)
philosophy (andrew, catherine, bel)
world religions (bel, tara, miriam)
creative writing (bel, catherine)
lgbtq lit (catherine, bel, me)
poetry, especially 'women poets of the world' (bel)
political science (andrew)
'roll your own sushi' class at the co-op (bel, catherine, brynn - who, ironically, doesn't even like sushi)
NO NO NO NO NO psychology
Damn nasty headache. At least I know what it's from. I caught a news story about the pollen count being astronomical for this time of year. The counts are so high, apparently, because the weather is nice. So, either we get screwed with crappy rainy weather or high pollen counts. I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take allergy meds.
I know this is boring, but I have a hella headache. You know it's bad when you have to say no to an orgasm. I'm not saying with who, though. There. That's less boring, isnt it?
I felt her walk in before I saw her. Instantly, I was drawn to her. I hadn't seen her face, and still I thought, "My god, she's beautiful." Not her ample hips, or her lovely hair, though, those did catch my eye. No, it was a feeling...
Then I saw her face and those vibrant eyes and I heard music. I asked her out for a smoke.
I jumped at the opening she gave me, asked her out. She said she didn't quite know how to date a woman. Neither do I, but I hope we can figure it out.
ugh. he's such a twink to play with! he only seems to have fun when he's winning, and otherwise he's cranky and bitching about how his deck sucks. i really tried to have fun, but it seemed like he just wanted to win. if i said anything about this, he'd probably say (he'd be pissed i said that) he didn't care and that it was no big deal, but the VIBE he was giving off said otherwise. it's just not that fun to play him unless he wins. i actually did want to play more, but not with him. bleh.
every time we get involved with the medical establishment it somehow spins out of our control. we got pelvic/abdominal pain last night and went to get it checked out. and they hit us with the surprise that maybe it was appendicitis.
so we went to the hospital for a ct scan. came back negative, but our white cell count was up, so they kept us for observation.
i spent a long time, waiting for jason to come back, having nothing to do.
a puke bowl is called an emesis basin in the hospital. that's just so dumb. i hate hospitals.
I think the worst thing about hospitals is that you can't sleep. Morphine, and still I couldn't sleep.
The sound of the IV pump wasn't enough to block out other noises. It certainly wasn't enough to block out the fear.
Always a fear of death or permanent disabilty in the hospital. It doesn't help for us to know that the system actually does breed suffering, not health.
The worst fear came on the heels of thoughts of death. What if my life ended here? I wouldn't be satisfied. And of all of us, I have the most to live for.
The hardest thing
is finding a reason to live
when you're convinced you should be dead.
(sometimes the walls whisper
saying, "do it... it should be done."
i try not to listen.)
When the past opens
like a black hole in my core,
sometimes I long to be eaten.
(i don't have a right to be
i should be a thousand times gone
there's nothing left of me)
Voices calling out in my sleep,
I hear things in silence
that I can't say are real, but they are.
(nothing is real
nothing is what i am)
i wasn't really planning on being out today, but we had a mixed up morning and here i am. right now i'm at htc waiting for chris. at least this time it didn't take me longer to drive here than it took him to bike.
there's this really cute androgyne sitting next to me. mmmm. *sigh* zie's probably gay. that's how my luck runs. i like to think that i'm not shy anymore, but i feel too shy to say anything to zir. i'm still such a wimp.
chris just got here. maybe he can give me courage. steady on!
i'm going to tell you something very personal.
and, yes, i mean what you think i mean.
everyone i/we have ever been with has commented on it, so we know it's weird. it doesn't happen every time, just when it's intense.
some people thought it was pee. but it's not. it smells different. kind of sweet, but strong. once we came really hard when a boyfriend was going down, and he choked on it.
some people think it's cool. i wish i understood what it was, why it happened, but i just know that it does.
"Can I give you a kiss?" I asked. "...because I want to..."
We both started laughing. We made several false starts. It felt so silly. Neither one of us is sure how to do this with another girl.
"We could dance like this all night," you exclaimed, giggling.
We both look at the ground.
"You have nice shoes," you quipped.
"You paint your toenails... Look! A penny!"
It was a somewhat awkward kiss. Our lips met, once, twice, three times. It was chaste, but still...
I'm wearing your chapstick.
I want to see you again.
I wanted to find the perfect place. I wanted to wait and hunt and make sure it was going to be worth what we paid and the trouble of moving. But I was just DONE today.
I don't think we made the wrong choice. The house isn't perfect, but it has a lot of good qualities. A huge yard. A garage. A big kitchen. Not a tiny bathroom.
I think it was the landlord that sealed it for me. He's not really friend material, but I got a good vibe off him. He's a decent person. He'll treat us well.
The past does shape us. Pains layered over one another, compressing us into a new shape, pressing downward, inward, giving us new boundaries. But it doesn't make us who we are. It's not what defines us.
Actually, I think it's keeping us from fully being who we are with one another. Not just you, either. I'm affected, too. I believe if we could peel away all those pains, if we could find our innocent selves underneath the weight of history (they are still there, I know it) there would never again be any doubt, just love.
Our souls know this.
we got crazy with the sidewalk chalk a while ago. alia came out and drew four full sidewalk squares of pagan symbology. the first was a pastel-type smudgy drawing of a sunset. the second, a crescent moon and three stars. the third was a tree of life (you know, where the tree is split into four sections showing the seasonal changes). at first i didn't know who was doing the drawing, but the last one tipped me off. it was a huge toadstool with a pixie underneath it. the pixie was wearing a hat just like the one she wears.
I don't know what's wrong with us. We can't seem to maintain any sort of energy for very long.
Even with Chris, I couldn't seem to stay focused and connected. I would feel things and then they would recede. I've been feeling this way for a while, like everything I feel is coming through a fog - recognizable, but fuzzy.
What is this fog? What is keeping me from my own emotion? I know that I feel things, but I don't fully feel them. Just briefly, in flashes, and then it's back to numb.
Somebody, please, tell me what I need?
It's hard to imagine that just four months ago I had almost no friends. I'm meeting awesome people left and right AND not hiding who I am. W00t!
Met a great girl tonight, through Jake, the cutie guy that Rina and Chris met at HTC. She's also a cutie and I can talk to her so easily! We had a great conversation about faeries, vampires, ghosts and other entities. We talked about multiplicity some. Chris was having a conversation with his system-mates while we talked about extrasensory abilities and she didn't think it was weird at all.
Friends are good.
Rina and Chris went to see Hellboy. All the Cthulhu-esque imagery stirred things up for the Twins. There was strife in the system of other kinds as well, but no one close to the front really knew/knows what exactly was/is going on. Rina was having trouble maintaining the front, so Bel came out. Put up more barriers, but it didn't hold. I (Phoenix) got pushed to the front.
When I first came out, I felt clear. I had some sense of identity. But that quickly faded. I think that I am transmitting for others, but also I am hearing others.
That's unusual for me. I am getting distinct voices, that are distingushable from my "self". Usually I can't tell if others' thoughts are mine or not. Some of the things I am hearing are definitely not me. I am sure of this.
Someone is upset that I am able to distinguish this. Upset that I am self-aware, even to this limited extent.
Last night, I complained about not understanding, and the Twins said that I didn't want to understand. The girltwin said something else, but I didn't quite hear it. I'm not sure I want to know what she said.
good god damn i needed that. wow. went to see crystal method tonight. they were fucking amazing.
jase and i danced, danced, danced.
i let myself feel it. i dropped my walls, felt the energy of the room and let it wash over me and through me just like the thumping bass and i let it take me away.
i took an ice cube out of jason's drink and held it in my mouth while i sucked on his neck, all the while the music invading our whole beings.
i feel alive. i needed that. i want more. and more...
There's a lot I could write about, but I'm not up for it. I'm worried about plenty of things, well, people, but I don't have the energy to write it up in a coherent fashion.
We went yesterday and signed the lease on our new place. We are really looking forward to getting moved in. Thinking that we'll probably have a housewarming party over the memorial day weekend.
Birthday is next Saturday. Inviting people go to the parade on Sunday. Still not sure how I feel about the big 30. Right now I'm not so keen on it.
Yes, I want you all to see how you've done me wrong. Yes, I want you to be sorry. Yes, I want to give you the utimate fuck you.
Killing myself is not the answer.
Unfortunately, living well isn't really the revenge that it's cracked up to be.
Spare me the platitudes. I've finally come to accept that justice in this case is a fantasy.
I have come to realize, though, that I'd like at least some of my life to not be about how you fucked me up.
And, oh yeah, fuck you.
Somehow life goes on.
chris wasn't too happy about going into torrid with me, but he survived. i got the BEST pants. lots of zippers and rings and straps and they flare really cute and they're black with pink plaid. wow. i sound like treena. i finally have some clothes that aren't a compromise. excitement!
then we went to sanrio. strangely, sanrio didn't scare chris the way that torrid did. he did give me shit about thinking that stuff was cute. only it WASN'T me and whoever it was shut the toy she was playing with on his nose. serves him right, i say.
it's been really hard to talk to you lately, and yeah, i got frustrated in my moment of weakness. i never claimed to be perfect.
but i am NOT going to let you scream at me for a moment's frustration. i'd rather lose you as a friend if that's how you're going to be. if you can scream at me for being "rude" when i'm freaking out like that...? i'm going to hang up on your ass.
i'm sorry that i didn't realize that calling you was a mistake.
you want to judge me for that, i can't stop you.
Things have been too loud. Other people's needs loud in my head, tasks needing to be done screaming at me whichever way I look, my toddler yelling for attention. Loud, loud, LOUD.
So, today I have dedicated to quiet. I cooked, I cleaned, I sorted things, I ate ice cream, I played gently with my son, and now I rest and write.
I refused to worry about anything or fight with anyone. Worries and arguments can wait.
We need quiet. We need predictability. We need rest.
If only for a little while, I have decided to live a "normal" life.
"You should get some sleep."
"You know what would really help me sleep?"
"What? In the car?"
"Or the carpet in my living room."
"Uh... Your family is home."
"But it's really soft carpet. They'll sleep through anything."
"Honey, you know I love you, but there's no way you're talking me into that."
"You know, I've been thinking lately... I realized something. I think... I'm finally okay with the idea of loving you. To make a long complicated thing short and simple, I love you, too."
Strange, in a way, for it to be so sudden and simple after all.
I have to write, but I really don't want to be awake any longer. Went and had a couple of drinks with Tanya. Had a sinus headache when I got home (damn this weather) and took a couple of Benadryl. Don't ever crack one of those capsules getting it out of the package because the powder tastes nasty.
I'm just exhausted.
I don't have my glasses on and everything's blurry.
After last night, I don't really want to read anything or watch anything or encounter anything that might make me in any way upset. I just want to sleep.
So, technically it's my birthday. 30. Man. It's kind of hard to deal with.
I'm trying not to be too upset about it. The hardest thing is how we have so little accomplished by this point. I know that we've been really handicapped, but it's hard to be gentle with ourselves. It's not in the Puritan value system saturates our culture. Damn fucking Puritans.
Still, I'm going to just try to celebrate the hell out of the day. There are people who are happy we've made it this far and aren't looking for us to change. And that's damn good.
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