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I did a pretty good job of distracting myself last night, movies with my cousin and her friends was fun. It was so hard to wake up today, I could feel that old thing happening inside. If I wake up, I’ll have to remember; I’ll have to think about it. Except for while I was in the shower, I continued to do well not thinking. I really love my family. For all our foibles and neurosis, we’re good people, smart and interesting to talk to, I feel good when we’re together. Which I know is something to be grateful for.
My plans for wallowing were thwarted by my injured brother-in-law. Just him being home would have been enough, but taking him to the doctor ensured that I was completely focused on the baby and couldn’t dwell on my own problems. Which was good. I also had some extra time later, although you wouldn’t know it by the fact that it’s currently almost 1:30 and I’ve done nothing productive since I got home. I think I feel much better though and things will be all right. I worry that it’s the indulgent fantasies and reality will have to set in eventually.
Amazing how things change in a day. I’ve probably written those exact words previously, possibly within this forum, but they continue to prove incredibly true. Over the weekend I became convinced that I had messed up one of the most important things going on in my life, possibly even permanently. I stayed away yesterday and resisted making a phone call to see how things went. Tonight, it was one of those rehearsals, which is why this is so important to me. Whatever was wrong, it’s fixed now. I still have to be patient and careful, but how I love this!
Rain pounds the pavement as I drive, blinded temporarily with my heart pounding frantically inside my chest. I feel the blood vessels in my head constrict as I try to breath, deeply and evenly, assuring myself that I’m almost home, I’m almost home, it will be OK, I’m gonna make it. A good driver, nonetheless, I find myself having near anxiety attacks when besieged with a deluge of Noahesque proportions. Obviously, since I’m writing this, I made it, but I really wish the sky could wait to open up until I’m safely ensconced at home. It would save on Alleve.
I’m utterly exhausted, but it’s the good kind of tired. My audition went really well, not perfect, I could have done better, but I held my own and they spoke as if they expect us to be working together. The final rehearsal was sloppy, but I had already taken all the pressure off myself, so I was able to appreciate the progress. As we keep saying, they’re kids and whatever it is, it is. Running from place to place four times in one day is more than I want to do on a regular basis, but today it was good.
I cried like a baby. I emerged from the auditorium with mascara streaks down my face. These children who drove me absolutely batty for the past four months got up there and created magic. These children that I love immensely performed their hearts out, made me so incredibly proud. I teach because I love it. I don’t have enough patience for it, really, but I’m finding it because I cannot bear the idea of giving up the way I felt tonight. No-one can know the profound joy there is in watching someone do this when you helped them get there.
Sleep can really be good. I had not originally intended to completely sleep the day away today, but this week was so overwhelmingly exhausting, both physically and mentally that I guess I really needed it. I’m still tired and plan to go to bed soon. “They” say that you can’t make up for lack of sleep, nor store it up. My own experience has contradicted this conventional wisdom. I seem to do quite well on relatively small amounts of sleep as long as I can get a lot of sleep once a week. Today should make up for a lot.
They did it again. I must say, my emotional reaction was far more overwhelming on Friday, because, let’s be honest, I simply didn’t expect it to be that good, so they blew me away. Today, I was prepared for a letdown, also for difficulties brought on by change of venue. It was another amazing experience. Certain things were better on Friday, but many things continued to improve tonight. I think there was a better energy overall on Friday, but certain people really came through and took that extra step. I also got really amazing feedback from the families. I’m happy.
Thoughts are swirling around my brain, I don’t know which direction is safer to allow. The blast from my past seemed like the painless conduit for my unfulfilled dreams, yet that gets me in trouble. Each time I go there, I’m sure I have to be completely over it by now, yet somehow, I never am. Seeing the most recent again made me think I could go ahead and think of that, since it didn’t hurt…not too much. Why would I ever imagine that was a good idea? Going out seems completely empty, like nothing will ever be exciting again.
There is no room for error, in my schedule, or my finances. The summer can be really amazing or really awful. I built up to some kind of emotional high, which has come down, but not the deep, headlong plunge that sometimes happens. It’s almost like when the roller coaster goes way, way up and then takes the smallest little dip and it’s scarier than the huge drop cause you know eventually you’ve got to come down and you’re not sure when it will come. I’m less sure now, cause even the high was sort of mixed to begin with.
Happy birthday to you. Why remember? Yes, I’ve been thinking of you on and off lately, but to remember your birthday after all this time still seems strange. The year we dated, I took you out to dinner with my brand new, first ever, credit card. We danced at a friend’s wedding on your birthday once. Yet, it’s not as if it has been a significant date year in and year out throughout my life. But in my car, it suddenly hit me that today is your birthday. You’ve graced the world for thirty-six years now. Happy birthday to you.
It just keeps marching on. Days, weeks, months, years pass in the blink of an eye. People keep having birthdays and graduations and anniversaries. Things sag and wrinkle and never again look as they used to, no matter what you do. I often feel like I just graduated high school last week. Then I think about how old I really am, and it usually shocks me when I realize it. It is so important to keep living and doing what you want, because it passes by so quickly. I’m determined to have no regrets. So I’ll keep on keepin’ on.
Friday the Thirteenth. I’ve never considered it to be an unlucky day. I am relatively superstitious, but that’s not one that gets me. I like the number thirteen. I didn’t much think about it one way or another all day. It was fun going to the bar in New Jersey with my sister. It was not a place I would normally choose, but it was cool to meet new people and they didn’t let me feel like an outsider. There was sadness amongst the festivity…the philosophies of the recent divorce victim were depressing. Funny that the admin owns the club.
Why is this sense of urgency always with me now? Why is it important to feel like I’m always in the best possible place to be around people? It’s like time is running out and I have to do things now, right now, this second, before it’s too late. The music’s too loud, too soft, not right, everyone in here is twelve, it’s all wrong. Why am I watching this kiddie porn? Children, kissing and feeling each other up in the booth across the room. And I want to go now. Wait, I want to stay. Where are you going?
I felt oddly good. Considering the alcoholic consumption, lack of sleep and my overall weird feelings last night, I expected to feel much worse this morning. It was certainly a beautiful day. I even did some laundry, organized my drawers and closets and filled a bag with clothes to donate. Every time I say I’ve weeded everything out and there’s nothing else I can get rid of, I can always still fill a bag. A family dinner and the walk around dam plaza were quite pleasant. The dogs and the kids had a great time. I think I did too.
Listening to two women before me completely nail the song I was doing made me quite nervous when I went up there. The kind director, who my father told me I would adore, put me at ease, but I was still prepared to suck in comparison. I impressed even myself, which doesn’t happen often. They had me sing the songs for the two other principal females…I didn’t really know them, but I think I faked them well enough for them to know I can do them. The director hugged me on the way out. I smiled all the way home.
Saturday Night at Fitzy’s-Part I of an ongoing interactive semi-fictional saga…
Red Tank Top had a date tonight and she was very excited because she was sure that tonight would be the night. She bought some sexy new underwear and told her two best friends, Blonde and Brunette, that they had to come out with her, because Boyfriend was bringing Funny Friend and Number Eight. She was shocked when Big Scary Guy at the door didn’t ask any of them for ID…she was all prepared with the fake ID Boyfriend had made for her in the city.
To be continued…
It makes me absolutely crazy every time I discover more evidence that actors are not valued by society. I have worked so hard for so long to perfect my craft, being the best I can be and to dedicate myself as fully as humanly possible without starving to death, yet the lack of respect goes on. Apparently it’s not an uncommon practice, but I was completely taken aback when asked to pay to be in a show. Yes, it’s all cleverly disguised as “membership fees” and “script deposits”. I smiled, thanked them, handed them their oh-so-valuable script and walked out.
Saturday Night at Fitzy’s-Part II
Red Tank Top and Brunette started dancing. Blonde was sulking because as soon as she saw Funny Friend and Number Eight, she was sorry she came. Brunette wasn’t thrilled either, but she decided she was here, she might as well make the most of it. The guys came over, and right away Red Tank Top and Boyfriend started making out in the corner at the table. They were so intently in love, it didn’t occur to them that their behavior might in any way be inappropriate, besides, they were in the corner.
To be continued…
Saturday Night at Fitzy’s-Part III of an ongoing interactive semi-fictional saga…
The other guys started to make their moves on the bored friends, who politely sat, taking one for the team.
Meanwhile, Internet Date showed up. She stood uncomfortably waiting for her date to make himself known. They had emailed a few times and decided they liked each other enough to meet. She had trouble with dating, she was painfully shy, so she was really hoping this would work out. She felt really stupid standing here and waiting though, she couldn’t believe he wasn’t here yet.
Will the madness end?…
Saturday Night at Fitzy’s-Part IV
She tried not to look at the couple kissing in the corner at the table with their friends. She thought she noticed sympathetic looks coming from the two stunning redheads who were sitting at another table with a goofy looking guy. Fat Guy came over and started talking to her. First of all, the picture he had sent her was clearly taken several years and at least fifty pounds ago. Second of all, he had been sitting at the bar with his friends the whole time she was standing here looking like an idiot.
Saturday Night at Fitzy’s-Part V of an ongoing interactive semi-fictional saga…
“Oh well,” she thought, “it’s back to the drawing board, I guess.” But she did give him a fake smile and allow him to talk at her for awhile. Thank God she had her friend show up half an hour after she was supposed to meet him in case she needed to be saved. She needed to be saved.
I think I’ll go back to journal entries for awhile. I’ve sort of not had much to say lately, which was the perfect excuse to post this story I’m writing.
One year ago today, a baby girl was born. She became the catalyst for many changes in the lives of people who would love her. I didn’t move for her or because of her, but knowing I could help ensure her care is never entrusted to strangers, that a large part of my time could be spent with her, helped make my choices. She brings sunshine into my days, makes waking up in the morning easier and makes me smile for a time every day. I can’t wallow in any kind of depression, she brings hope and love to me.
Highs and lows come and go. The clock keeps tick-tick-ticking; the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years all pass inexorably towards some end we can only imagine. Goals are set, revised, accomplished, given up, sometimes not even remembering why it was wanted in the first place. So sure that something better is coming, we plod the path we choose, not noticing how much life is already gone, how the energy slowly slips away until someday nothing is left, nothing but shattered dreams. The question remains, how did I get here? What happened to the person I meant to be?
Amazing, emotions still so near the surface, for all of us. We’re approaching two years since the event that changed us forever. It’s not there all the time anymore, but if there was any doubt it lurks underneath, that was dispelled last night. It’s still so easy to cry, to feel that charged shock, anger and frustration that anyone could do this. Hearing his stories of his part in the aftermath, seeing his tears as he related them, how could I not empathize? So much suffering for nothing, in the name of God. Who believes that any god wants this?
I functioned amazingly well on three hours of sleep. It was only the last hour of my thirteen-hour workday when I felt really tired. Although the baby has required extra energy this week, her shots did a number on her, I had it, I barely wanted to doze putting her to sleep. Now I’m done. I will go to bed shortly and I have no doubt I will fall asleep instantly. What if I hadn’t dropped out? I would be ripping my hair out from the stress of everything that needed to get done in zero time. Tomorrow is Friday.
We won monkeys. The fact that this “different something” we went to do turned out not to be the most exciting activity ever known to humankind was suddenly forgotten when we walked out with the three monkeys: blue, green and purple. I almost got us into an accident when the blue one was suddenly looking at me outside my window. We promised to take them out with us and “wear” them at the bar. The double and triple takes were amusing. They saw, heard and spoke no evil and even came to the park to watch the sun come up.
Homemade stromboli, macaroni and potato salad, deviled eggs, chocolate pudding and cool whip, malibu rum and cranberry juice. Friends and cousins, then out for drinks. Tim has to drink scotch more often, despite his frequent requests to never let him, not only was he tons of fun, but he was dragging us out to the dance floor. The music was horrendous for much of the night, but the scenery was OK and as usual, we continued to amuse ourselves. There was another early morning walk, this one for the most part to leave two others alone together, apparently for naught.
I’m accomplishing some things here at home today, finally. I’ve done some cleaning, re-organized a closet, pulled out fans, changed my sheets. I’m hoping to tackle at least part of the picture project. The entire thing, if you include all the ones that need to go in albums, will take far too long, but maybe at least get the framed stuff organized, figure out if I need more new frames and be prepared to start placing them around the room and on the walls. In another month, I’m here a year, I think it’s about time I got that done.
Sometimes I don’t know how I do this. I get up, earlier than any human should, throw on clothes, brush my teeth and run to my first job. I love it, but it is five hours of devoting every second to a demanding baby I love. I leave her and drive to another job. I was there for ten hours today, more than usual, more even than most times when I don’t have anything else, like classes or rehearsals. The fact that I find it miraculous when I find time for an overdue oil change or haircut is quite telling.
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