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Another new month and although it’s barely been warm, I already feel like I may be wasting the summer away. If circumstances hadn’t conspired to give me more time, I wouldn’t be able to work this much, yet since there’s work to be done, I’m there doing it. I guess I can use the money. Just because I don’t desperately need to scrounge for every penny, doesn’t mean it won’t be helpful to make it. Won’t it be nice to have a few extra bucks for Christmas without making myself desperate again by January? Thus, seven hours on accounting today.
The character is finally coming together for me. The gross exaggeration goes against all my training, but I used to manage it in improvs when the only thing was to be big and funny without thinking. It’s the mix of being improved and scripted that makes it a little harder. That, and the fact that no-one I work with seems to be bothered by inconsistencies and whether or not things make sense. So I have to struggle to find my own explanations for doing what they want. I can’t help but ask on occasion and then suffer the rolled eyes.
Kissing is great. I really love kissing. I’ve often spoke of how I miss those days when one might spend hours and hours just kissing someone. It seems that ends once teenaged years are left behind. But on this day, I had a regression, a night of kissing. I even behaved slightly teenagerish. I even have hickeys on my neck, which sort of disgusts me but in some strange way, makes me smile. Because I spent the night kissing a cute boy and it was fun. It’s nice to feel attractive in a situation with little potential for future anguish.
It was nice doing nothing all day, so why do I feel like such a big fat loser? Is it because of the date, a holiday when one should do something? I saw fireworks last night (real ones, not while I was kissing!). Maybe it’s breaking tentative plans with my sister. I feel her disapproval, I think even sometimes when it doesn’t exist. Funny it’s not the other way around. I’m the big sister after all, but we’ve hardly ever acted that way. I believe I still might have gone by myself to meet her if I hadn’t had cramps.
Sitting and crying on the Metro North train is not how I envisioned tonight ending up. I can’t say for sure what I envisioned, but this wasn’t it. I certainly had some fun this weekend, but I think it’s become clear that my social life has to take a different direction. I’m not putting myself in the best position to get what I want out of my life. I drink too much and I don’t meet the best people to bring about the future I’m looking for. So I peruse activities and try to figure out how to move forward.
My resolve is further strengthened to make changes. I want to move forwards, not backwards. I want a man in my life who wants me for who I am and wants the things I want and genuinely cares about me enough to be honest with me. I would like it to have some potential towards marriage and children someday. My age dictates this be in the not too distant future, but I’m not in a huge rush. I will never let desperation cause me to settle for something less than right. But I am tired of waiting to find him.
Can you touch me? Can you touch me way down deep where nobody touches, inside places I really want, really need, really have to be touched? Can you stand it, how I really am, really feel, all my feelings, mixed up, jumbled, intense and alive, pulsating, gyrating, flowing all the time? Can you stay? Beyond today, tomorrow and next week, beyond where they usually say “see I haven’t gone anywhere” and then leave. Can you really stay until the end? I’m not sure I mean eternity, just until it’s truly over, not cause you got scared. Can you touch me?
I think the sun in Cancer gives me a homey feeling. I think generally, I’m in a good place about myself and my life. There’s that one area that I have to figure out, I really have to get on the ball and stop allowing myself to waste away in the wrong places. The fact that I feel like I’m wasting away is all part of that Cancer mentality, that need to nest and create a home, that desire to take care of someone and be taken care of. It’s hot and humid in New York, but I’m dry inside.
I am a walking contradiction in terms. I am incredibly confused, yet see things more clearly than usual. I have a strong sense of time running out, things are falling apart, yet I am far calmer than I generally tend to be. I almost feel the way I usually feel when there is something new to look forward to on the horizon…but if there is, I don’t know what it is. I keep surprising myself by remembering I’m in a dry spell…Thursday night aside as we know that was a temporary diversion. Within this silent panic I’m perfectly all right.
Something changed. A wall fell inside me; at least a piece of it crumbled. I should have hated that ending, the passionate kiss, music swelling, but I didn’t. I liked it. More importantly, I believed it. Suddenly, I had hope for the first time in years. I drove to the closest water…I would’ve gone farther for real beach if I knew where to go and I pledged to honor this feeling. I promised to be open, to feel and to love. It would have been better if I could see the moon, but I feel energized and dare I say…happy?
I'm slightly confused as to what to do with my newfound optimism and hope. Damn this Virgo rising which doesn't exactly counterbalance all my watery, emotional intuition, it merely forces constant overanalyzation. I think and rethink every decision and end up doing something impulsive that ruins the whole thing anyway. I wish I were more impulsive in general, not just under the influence of intoxicants or extreme circumstances. I know the best decision is always to make one and move on…otherwise you're stuck wading through the mire of choices. Knowing and acting are different things, like choosing to be happy.
A day of changes. First, a show at a wedding. Odd, yes, but the audience was great, playing along although most didn’t even know what they were getting into before they got there. Briefly at the birthday party, then clothes shopping, which I haven’t done forever, it was nice to buy some attractive casual stuff to go out in for the summer. The plans kept changing. One drink for my sexy bartender fix before bowling, then a movie, Ethan Hawke in “Hamlet.” I struggled to stay awake, but that’s not a review, it was the end of a long day.
Hardly any alcohol all weekend and I feel good about participating in various activities. Actually spent time outdoors at the Irish Heritage Festival in some park. Bought a few things, a T-shirt I liked “Warning: Irish temper and Italian attitude.” and some green crystal earrings. Listened to music. It was a gorgeous day, sunny, not too hot. Dinner, a movie, hanging with my cousins all were fun. The main thing is I’m still feeling hopeful and happy and alive. I’m carrying that cologne ad in my purse as a symbol for what I want. I’m going to get it too.
It is amazing that I actually feel content. It is so incredibly foreign to me that I am not sure just what to do with myself. Restlessness remains, especially in those rare still moments, but the desperate edge is definitely gone from it. I am planning things for fun. I taught two classes today, which always serves to remind me why I exist. My niece sounded thrilled to hear my voice over the phone, I missed her today in doing this favor, what will I do when I do not see her every day? What is that clicking sound? There.
National League umpires calling questionable balls could not give them quite enough extra chances. National League announcers assured us it was a six inning game with their three “lights out automatic” closers. Yet they could not dim the fire that burned for the American League banner to fly over an extra game in the World Series this year. So our All Stars brought it home. Possibly even more importantly, a daughter and a niece made a lonely man happy by enjoying dinner and the game with him, so he had someone to make the jokes with and cheer with throughout.
Yes, I’m still stupid enough to have washed my hair and shaved my legs tonight instead of waiting until tomorrow, since I’m going to see “him” tomorrow. I shouldn’t care at all, and it should be OK for me to be in shorts and a T-shirt with no make-up. But I will put on make up just to come home in, since he’ll be here when I get here. When I have to take it off a short time later, I’ll feel quite foolish, but this is what we do. After though, I move on to all the new activities.
I lived through that, only wanting to cry very briefly as you said good-bye. Maybe I was tired and it had nothing to do with you. (Yeah right.) It is hard to see you, no doubt. I guess it was stupid to agree to be on this board. I thought when I told my father I would that they would vote for me to write grants and not be on the board. So I could seem all magnanimous and helpful, but not actually commit to one night a month, at least, in a room with you. I can handle it.
Hope springs eternal and life flows. A night spent in my city could easily have turned into something dark and pessimistic. It would have made some kind of sense to feel old and out of place, maybe a bit unattractive. Yet, I felt energized and happy, I felt hopeful and alive. If I can keep to this path, stay in this optimistic mode, I really think I have a chance, happiness is within my grasp, but I'm not going to clutch at it, I'm going to allow it to be in my presence as long as it chooses to stay.
At the time, we were absolutely convinced we had escaped from first a serial killer and later a sea monster. In the car on the way home, we were able to admit it was more likely a garden hose and our own shadows. We were out and about at a reasonable hour, enjoying the beautiful day as we walked to start some errands. We dressed for bowling after the Yankee game, I think some muscles are pissed that I bowled three games. The search for a spot near water to continue the night, was well worth it., including sea monsters.
Firefighters on a navy ship sounded like the perfect combination, so we headed to the Intrepid for Firefighter’s Appreciation Day. It was a gorgeous day and I have an affinity for boats. Something about the confidence exuded by firemen makes them all so hot, regardless of how they actually look, of course many of them were really good-looking. I’m sure Chris (June in the 2004 calendar) is that sweet to everyone he signs an autograph for, but his smile made me feel so special as he asked my birthday and thanked me several times. He’s replaced cologne-man in my heart.
Nothing much to write when there’s nothing much to say. So much going on, down the path to what’s today. It’s not sadness or depression that makes me feel this way. It’s the day to day of living without craziness per se. I’m not used to all this calm as I go about my life. In the past it seemed I functioned best when riddled and torn from strife. Now one day flows into another, I fill each one with care. As time goes on, I wonder, was I ever really there? Contentment is a lovely thing, it boredom brings.
I had forgotten exactly how much energy the Sock Hop mystery requires. I remembered that as Francine I have more lines and responsibility and I bounce around and have a bubbly personality. But all the dancing and cheering and skipping across the room, I was bathed in sweat less than halfway through rehearsing the first act. That was with tons of stops and starts and only dancing the choreographed number. On Friday, I will have done pre-show dancing plus two other songs by that point. Scary. But I still believe this one’s my favorite and I’m glad we’re doing it.
Small children under my tutelage garner furious applause from their invited audience. Not only Moms and siblings, but also Dads, a grandma, an aunt and an uncle are present to witness this birth of something new. My four students have eleven supporters who show their appreciation vociferously after every song, poem or exercise we demonstrate. Only four classes in two weeks, but they accomplished much, shocking even me when I come back from the other room with their perfect execution of an exercise I had already given up on last week. Three, four, five and six, they make me proud.
I work very hard. I enjoy the majority of what I do, even my office job gives me satisfaction and appreciation, so I’m happy with that most of the time. I’m still tired a lot, especially since I’m often too wound up to go to bed at any reasonable hour, even when I’m exhausted. I need my home to be a haven, a safe place where I can relax and feel comfortable, it’s not fair to find constant aggravation or that everything is falling apart. There’s more out there, but which is more stressful, my situation, or moving yet again?
Over two hundred miles driven, the lake and back, White Plains, then to God’s Country to not even do the show for the six people who show up, then back down. I loved being in the lake with my niece, who amazingly has no fear of water. She pops her face in the water by herself. It was upsetting not doing the show we had looked forward to. It was nice to go out with seats at the end of the bar and be flirted with. And seeing that boy on the way home, who seemed happy to see me.
There’s always backsliding and when one does, it’s important to then give credit for the baby steps already taken. I had a day of beauty and thought I looked really nice and in comparison got very little attention. I wasn’t even that upset. It was a great day, the manicure and pedicure including massage and clothes, then a nice family dinner and Trivial Pursuit with lots of laughing. It was like I sort of felt that way, but didn’t and said it and then got frustrated. I just want to be happy with what is. It was hard to sleep.
You don’t need to do a lot to feel productive on Sunday. Transferring my contacts from my old falling apart phone book to the new daytimer, followed by a trip to the grocery store, doing a few dishes and watching the Yankee game, it felt pretty full. It would of course have felt better if the Yankees had won, the bullpen is still a huge gaping sore, but we’re still in first place. I’m working on myself, getting better every day. The optimism couldn’t last forever, but I’m trying. Then I came home and prepared all my laundry and food.
The routine keeps on. I spend time with the most amazing children in the world. We should have gone outside on this beautiful day, we didn’t. I taught some adorable little girls how to use their voices and bodies when presenting themselves on stage. Then to work, I expressed some frustration while there, but it was really all-good. I got tons more done than I thought possible, what I wanted to accomplish plus what was dumped on me and pretty much left when I intended to. I got myself really organized, washed my hair and shaved my legs, not bad.
We drove around and around in circles in White Plains, trying to find the sports bar we had chosen to watch the late Yankee game broadcast from the West Coast. We eventually found it and it was a nice place…we’ll probably go back sometime. The Yankees won. Unlike my nephew’s hockey team…who played really well in spite of a loss. Apparently, it wasn’t as bad as it has been all this season. He’s really an amazing child, this old soul, smart and sweet. I drank too much, but I wasn’t driving, so it was OK. I’m watching a weird movie.
“There’s something due any day, I will know right away, soon as it shows.” I always related to Maria from “West Side Story” but lately it’s Tony as he’s singing “Something’s Coming” that touches me. I feel just like this, there’s something just around the corner. It’s coming to me and it’s something great, but I don’t know exactly what it is. The anticipation is killing me, in a good way. I just hope it comes soon, lately some of the old impatience has returned. I’m enjoying my life as is more than ever, but I want it all now.
I cried reading your emails today. I don’t feel good about that, I should be way past that at this point. I know all the reasons we never should have started in the first place. I don’t want you back. Yet reminders of how you subtly pursued me from the beginning while I was convincing myself nothing was going on, along with the fact that you listened while I bared my soul and pretended to not only care, but to understand and respond, made me sad to think that it’s all gone now. We were good for a few weeks.
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