05/01 Direct Link
May day! May day! Just kidding. Today I want to leave a bouquet of flowers on her door, hit the doorbell and sprint away as fast as possible. But I don't know where she lives. I don't need to express my appreciation for her. It's understood. Sooner or later, it is bound to be no good. Thus, we meet here at the foggy streetlight in the night. Do I accept reality or forge on into delusion? May day! May day! Discussions of real feelings are to be terminated immediately. All hands to battle stations. I get weirder each passing day.
05/02 Direct Link
I was a puddle last night. Damn that Xanax! I arrived back at the homestead at some time in the morning. I looked at the neighbor's yard. The toys of their kids are always littered across the lawn and frankly, it looks like a ghetto. My inhibitions gone and my need to ruin someone's day, I penned the following and put the note under her windshield. "Do the neighbors a favor. Put those toys in the garage. Just because you are the ghetto, doesn't mean you have to look like it." She came to the door crying. Boo fuckin' hoo.
05/03 Direct Link
Message board arguments are brewing today.

First, hello. I don't believe we've directly chatted before. Nice to meet ya.

The dichotomy I see created after your comment "Bob, Wow, I didn't realize this thread was your personal amusement, interesting," is best depicted by the difference in our photos alone.

What I am unable to decipher specifically is your meaning of interesting. If you were to decide to expound on your intended meaning behind that word, I'd find it ever so enjoyable. Especially, if it contains comments most would find offensive or at the least...true.


Today's featured writer at

05/04 Direct Link
Ugh. I worked today.
Blue collar, buildin' a house kind of work.

My pansy hands which normally type all day are scratched with what my fellow workers call defaggotizing marks.

Apparently, construction jobs in my area are predominantly homophobic in nature or don't ask don't tell. All I know is a piece of sheet metal just extended my lifeline longer than I wanted it to be.

Sure, this employment isn't so bad. Call it paid exercise or an escape from the rants in my head.

Either way, I'll be glad when I get Friday off. I'm going to drink myself...

05/05 Direct Link
So, I'm an unemployed artist with enough funds to keep my alcoholic lifestyle going until at least August. I have a plan for August but I refuse to disclose it to the public. The telephone rings. "Hey Bob, do you want to work?"

A few seconds to pause and ponder the answer on multiple levels. God no! I absolutely refuse. I could use the dough. No way am I reporting to an office.

"Doin' what?"
"Concrete work."
"I'm in."
"There's beer at the work site."

Work leads to an evening of backaches. A couch potato artist turned construction worker.

05/06 Direct Link
My neck is red and on fire. Standing on scaffolding in the sun for twenty-seven hours in three days will do that to a neck. I have raccoon eyes from the shades and I smoke less cigarettes on the job than I do lingering around waiting for an afternoon to pass. The countdown is on for Friday night. This cat is going to get bombed. Saturday afternoon Flyers win could lead to a weekend of inebriation, which will lead to some girl with high hopes being deflated at my lack of attention.

It's in the cards and in the stars.

05/07 Direct Link
Eight o'clock and I'm hammered with my pal El Presidente. It's a funky and refreshing brandy. I asked numerous people to answer two simple questions each with one sentence while waiting at least thirty seconds before answering. The majority of people were incapable of patience, thinking or answering in a full sentence. Most think a sentence contains one word. But not all of them were complete idiots.

"What's right about you?"
"My wife, the son and the salsa is hot."

"Brainy, what about you?"
"Uhh, I, I'm the most honest person you'll ever meet in your life."
"You're a salesman.

05/08 Direct Link
"I'm chubby. My hair is too curly and frizzy. I'm fat. My boobs are too small…"
"Hang on, I was hoping for more than just physical attributes about yourself that you don't like."
"Well, you're a guy. I just figured…"
"All of those things are why you're lovely anyway. Next!"

"What's wrong about you in one sentence?"
"Absolutely nothing!"
"What's right about you in one sentence?"
"You're an idiot."

I learned nothing from these people, but I did reinforce my spite for the human race. A few asked me to answer the questions.
"I'm too self-absorbed. I am slime."

05/09 Direct Link
I'm no longer free. Now that I have another surplus of cash I feel even more depressed. I'm happier broke? I am broken? The bliss of status quo is all around me. It just shot down my spine. I need rest. I can't sleep. I'm going on five years without some sense of intimacy. A snuggle is what I am seeking. I've become so adept at avoiding the fairer sex I've gone foul. Passing friends slap me in the kidneys. I suppose this is a hint to join the party.

"Now I have to sit by Bob?"
"It's a curse."

05/10 Direct Link
"Bob, I want to thank you for Saturday night. I have never before considered or have been tempted to be unfaithful, but you just did something to me. I can't thank you enough for being respectful."

"Be still my beating heart."

Temptation comes in about eighty-five flavors and I stumbled upon one of the tastier. Stumbled in all actuality as a weekend of decadence was the backdrop for an unexpected meeting. The gravitational force of green eyes and vows to others has me locked in orbit. An asteroid hurling in a belt prepared to crisp and burn in her atmosphere.

05/11 Direct Link
I swear, somebody slapped me with the wisdom stick this week. I've been dishing out good advice like a kickass pan of lasagna. I've also encountered some recent brain activity that has led me to delve into the thoughts of others and this is frightening. Let's all take advantage and celebrate this rare moment of wisdom before I revert to my conniving and self-absorbed idiom. Today I am taking Guinness to the metaphysical. I'm going to dream about it for awhile before I have a few pints.

Happy Birthday to Sarah and the State of Minnesota, 1973 and 1858, respectively.

05/12 Direct Link
The sky is one big hazy cloud and behind it sits that big lemon in the sky dripping drops of acid. Hearts are breaking everywhere and people are losing their heads. The world gets more stupid each day and as much as I'd like to I can't blame it all on Cupid. The Muslims and the Christians are the two most backass factions on this planet. Rather than cut each other's heads off why don't you start by pulling your neighbor's out of his ass. Maybe he'll return the favor. Jackasses, each and every one of you. I loathe you.
05/13 Direct Link
Ran into an old friend and rolled along with dilated pupils for awhile this morning. Got the pdf of the cover of my book. It's surreal enough for me. Haven't felt ecstasy in awhile and I remember why. You either keep going or crash. Besides, it was only one hit. Four is when the damage really occurs. Trying going to work after that night. I remember an invisible mouth right next to my ear screaming at me for two days straight. Yeah, the stuff is really good for you. But, hey, what's a day or two of my life wasted?
05/14 Direct Link
The other two are out there somewhere. I miss my three.

Just because it's Friday and I'm employed doesn't mean that I feel any relief at all about the approaching weekend. What I want to happen won't. Even if try to make it a reality the impending doom of failure has already been there and reported back. There is no hope.

Alright, maybe I need a tranquilizer or a longer nap. Somehow, over the course of the last year, I've grown into some feelings. I've shed a lot of my apathy and have even let go of disgust, at times.

05/15 Direct Link
I tripped and stumbled. There she was, the girl of my dreams. I felt the pressure. Two hugs and not enough held stares. Good God, I agreed to go to church for her. I don't care how incredible she is, I will not become a Christian for anyone. I've lost my heart, not my pride. No offense to any of your Christians. I'm just a Buddhist with a drinking problem.

I didn't think of the other one. Her unavailability to disconcerting. I needed the peace of mind. I'm giving it all away. If I hold it in, I'll burst open.

05/16 Direct Link
The end of tulip season breeds a new flower for the girl of my dreams. She's getting' one dozen white roses priority delivery to ensure a surprise Monday morning while I get the satisfaction of not being good enough for her. Well, not being something.

But I love this woman. She walks into the room and my entire being floats on joy. Bad thing, I can barely keep myself sober in her presence. It's all I can do to not act like a wild animal.

I pulled the chute and landed safely a ways away from truth. Hit and roll.

05/17 Direct Link
Happy birthday, Mr. Hunt. Belchy and The Snort were in rare form. They tickled and kicked him in the shins. Belchy is a quasi-Leo cusp and it shows. D-Rock phoned and said the following phrase, "Her parent's bed. They came home." Sounded like it was close. Atta boy. Joey: "I'm a cold hearted bitch tonight." Norman has to knock off one of his chefs. "Nothin' like a little visit to my love shack." This is supposed to be said at the death blow. "Can I pee first?" It's all nonsense. Except, I kissed Christiana Moeschka tonight. She pecked and ran.
05/18 Direct Link
Work, work, work. Could it suck any more, this pursuit of numbered pictures of dead guys on green paper? Money rules. Flowers to Jules. Is work worth it when I can spend my wages on the most beautiful woman in the world? Shit, I think it is!

I'm praying for rain and I don't ever pray. I'll meditate every now and then and have even seen a happy Buddha with my third eye. However, I prefer to poison myself and this whole work thing is good for getting the poison out. Maybe give the liver a break. I don't care.

05/19 Direct Link
Drank too much.
Had a day of hard work coming up.
Medicated anxiety.
Notify my next of kin.
This job is killing the out of shape me.
I'm tan.
I've got the pipes back.
I've got a fatter wallet.
Time just seems to be easier to waste when someone else tells you what to do.
I miss the hammock on the other side of Cozumel.
Hump day! Hump day!
Does that make Monday, Tuesday and Friday just stupid days?
I've been so busy people on message boards have been having fits.
It's open season on my online personality.
Eat me.
05/20 Direct Link
You know how sometimes you say something enlightening to a person and they can only reply with, "What?"

You know how when asked to repeat a lengthy, humorous but somewhat veiled insult, you look at the ground and chuckle to yourself?

You kill with kindness and slay with a turn of your back.

Bob Show! Bob Show!

You drink yourself until your liver kicks.

You work harder on two hours of sleep than some jackass who scrapes his wife's ass with his concrete-eaten hands.

You're badgered to get a response.

"He's funny but sometimes he's just obnoxious."
That's just Bob."

05/21 Direct Link
To drink or not, that is, indeed, the question.
Maybe I should take a nap.
Four people died climbing Everest today.
At least I'm not that dumb.
My neck cracks.
Yin and who cares.
Broken dreams and bullshit.
Two young lovers and two dead hearts.
God shuffles his feet and yawns.
What is the point.
Harmony maybe.
Death for certain.
She keeps me dreaming.
It's hard to find me in here.
Ruthless and useless.
The curse of procreation.
The anger of failure.
Souls enslaved.
Fuck, get a brutha a beer, will ya?
I'm dyin' over here!
05/22 Direct Link
Check out the Bob Show lately. It is either because the weather has warmed or I've got it goin' on, for real. Lips smooched me last night. I've been lusting after her pair for quite awhile. We played pool for money. I won. The stakes changed to kisses and she worked me. I ended up losing games 3, 4 and 5 with the final stakes being to kiss her ass. What joy! It is great to lose and still come out on top. Perhaps this sex camel lifestyle, a bit of sincerity veiled as asshole behavior is finally paying off.
05/23 Direct Link
Hourglasses don't have chubby middles. Overanalyze anything and she'll have a sex on the beach – her way. "You're wearing the perfume that Amber uses as a body lotion" Worst compliment to the girl you're trying to date of the night. Author remains anonymous to protect is innocence. What ever happened to Constructive Retribution? Another theory turned missed clay pigeon. "His ignorance and insolence are inextricably intermingled." On an island in the sun, would anything be better? I'm living with these memories. I'm dying without something and trying to meditate enough to not be concerned. I'm a hungry ghost in hell.
05/24 Direct Link
Fuckin' Steph's friend Buffy Lawrence met Dan the navy man. Apparently, they'd met before. Dan the navy man's fresh beer was left unattended as he was out in some vehicle bumpin' uglies with Buffy. I am guessing the vehicle had to be a van or SUV or Uhaul due to the girth of both parties. Dan came back into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face to pay his tab. He seemed unfettered at the loss of his last one. I should have drank the beast but I was too busy trying to finish a liter of Killian's.
05/25 Direct Link
Skippin' work like it's goin' out of style. I hate work. Pay me to stand around and ride a shovel while I try not to take your head off with it due to the constant annoyance of my time wasted. Some people, mostly those in charge, never grasp the concept of efficiency as a means of personal comfort. Let's all stand around and work the numbers to make sure the footing is square to the building. I couldn't fuckin' care less. I hope the fucker just falls over one day. I recently fell down from the hug of a blonde.
05/26 Direct Link
This is the story of Dr. Derwood and Mr. Hunt. Well, the guy hangs out at the bar and then disappears when you plan to go somewhere else. Who knows? Maybe Adam's story is better. "Bob, I live in a town that just doesn't understand." Amen. Mark loves to party and he's probable. I congratulated him on being pickled, borderline enigmatic. Miss Blasing and Shannon, the frisky tarts were tantalizing. I found myself orbiting the silky legs and pigtails of "Her" again. Don't forget the after-bar. I walked into the kitchen and announced, "Here comes some drama I don't need."
05/27 Direct Link
Unearthed chunks of concrete can be very frustrating to those trying to remove them from the ground. The majority of the work was done by my partner in crime. I sat on the corner of a recently poured basement laughing as he took out his frustrations on a skid steer and the surrounding terrain.

"Is this where we say fuck it?"
"We'll get the job done and we'll do it right. Then we'll get some beer and call the boss."
"Is that when we'll say fuck it?"
"Hook the chain higher up on the bucket."
"I'm not interested."
"Fuck it."

05/28 Direct Link
"Hey Bryce, how about you make us four shots in celebration of Jezzi's birthday and make ‘em potent and on the house?"
"Ya see, we're trying to run a business here, Bob."
"Hey Bryce, how about I give you a twenty dollar bill and reiterate my earlier question?"

From above his head, Bryce poured long strings of alcohol only and a splash of something turn into a blood red concoction. Whatever it was, it went well with the Percocet. I felt little to no pain, believe me. Sedated.

"I'll have a double cognac on the rocks and a narcotic analgesic!"

05/29 Direct Link
I lost my glasses in a haze. Now I stumble around in a fog. How much longer will it take for the world to see? Strip poker with two ladies at four in the morning. The last time I saw the glasses. Kate, who lost in a game that only went down to the skivvies, curved enough to make my near-sightedness obsolete.

The party wound down and became a deep conversation slash light petting chat with another. The topic being, mainly, about her long distance relationship. Which explains why I'm at her house at five in the morning touching her.

05/30 Direct Link
Married woman appeared as a wave and an uncomfortable conversation.

"It's easier for me to hate you than to be your friend."
"I'd love to steal you from your husband but I can't."
"I'm sorry I read too much into your correspondence."
"You're the one who said it could never happen."
I guess she was the only one who believed it could.
She left twice and neither time said goodbye.

Another chance encounter with Christiana Moeschka led to a smooch that put me to sleep dreaming of her chapstick. All thoughts of late night deviance were suspended by one kiss.

05/31 Direct Link
May I suggest to myself the idea that perhaps June should be a more sobering month. Thirty one days in the soup and my body feels pickled. Beer farts and five hour unconscious naps. Today bodes for a 10 hour shift beginning at 4pm. I'll still be hammered from drinking at 6am. The Bob Show was in full effect creating everything from humor to black dialogue with people who really think they know who they are. Twist their words and slap them with the truth. Poof! Self-delusion disappears.

Parental unit's 35th anniversary today. Look at me! A nuclear family byproduct!