06/01 Direct Link
J was erect and wearing only sticky swishy pants.
She was waiting for her boyfriend to come over.
J walked in and grabbed a beer.
They went at it.
"I'm wearing Mom's clothes and drinking girlie drinks. Go slow and come on my tits."
J gave her the business like two palms smacking together.
She tasted like a white castle hamburger dunked in a chocolate shake.
"My boyfriend will be here any minute."
"You mean the guy outside in the white truck? He's here."
J handed him a beer on the way out. The sad sap walked right into it.
06/02 Direct Link
There is nothing like posting your real feelings about someone to really creep them out. She told him not to read it. Tell a man not to do something. Hmmm, I think I'll just go on out and do that, say, right this fucking minute!

She puts stipulations on the dreams she doesn't mean.

"Look at who's talking!"
"We're not talking about moi."
"It would be nice to make men's eyes follow me around when I walk into a room."
"I'd rather make people's mouths drop with some insult I said than have them drool all over me, like Saturday."

06/03 Direct Link
Please give me the remedy for the land of the free.

This existence is typically American. There is no point. Resist and survive. Count to five, still here. You are forgiven. It is quite obvious you have no idea what you're doing, anyway. You breed and eat. You're American. Your skin is saran wrap thin. You're always wrong but claim truth absolute. I'm not drunk. I am merely sick of you. Brotherhood from sea to shining sea. What a load of shite! It's Walmart from coast to coast. Self-confidence is not the same as arrogance.

Misunderstand me you raging lunatics!

06/04 Direct Link
The pus oozes from my face. The depressants have really kicked in. Good thing for the weed. It keeps your hopes up. Fictitious tales and realistic regrets. Monotony disguised as sobriety.

"Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic."
"We love you, Bob."
"Would anybody like a drink?"

Step 1: Bide time until happy hour
Step 2: for 1's
Step 3: Get obliterated and talk to chicks
Step 5: Pass out

I've recently taken upon myself the description 21st Century misogynist: A man who hates women as much as they hate each other. I like it. What's Step 4?

06/05 Direct Link
Meg, the late night security guard at Grover's watched a crowd of lunatics unable to find an after-bar party slop themselves in breakfast food. I snuggled Crystal, the waitress, to soak in some of her pain and return empathy. She's funky, tolerant, extremely efficient and…I'll just stop there.

Meg's favorite hobby is hunting deer and when asked what she thought people thought about her upon seeing her in their drunken state she quipped, "Oh, God."

"Doesn't that make you feel really good?"

She laughed.
I must have seemed sober or at least funny enough.
God would be a security guard.

06/06 Direct Link
"I can't go on seein' ya like this. Give that knife just one more little twist. This affair is really gonna break my heart."

I haven't even told her. I just wander around listening to Jagger's ½ a Loaf.

"I just like to dial this number because acts of complete futility give me great amusement."

Now that I told her. Well, I said it to her voice mail. It's a blatant lie but all I can do to appear as if I don't give a shit. Unfortunately, I do.

I watch me struggle. I'm sure the day will come. Death.

06/07 Direct Link
She was a buxom barkeep who kept my big mug of beer filled regularly with timely pours from the tap and drool from my yap. A redhead, blonde maybe, I don't know. It isn't like the opportunity to check out her drapes was plausible. Nobody wants to kiss a guy that tastes like he licks ashtrays professionally. So I smoke, big deal. One day we'll trap all you non-smokers in a room of glass walls and will drill tiny holes in the wall and slowly fill your room up with smog.

"Don't you care about your own health?"
"Eat shit."

06/08 Direct Link
My right kidney feels like a boulder is hiding inside trying to fly down my urethra like a kid at a water park. I don't remember a kid getting stuck on a water slide but I can imagine the screaming. Perhaps my carcass has finally had enough. Maybe it's just time for a day or two away from the bottle. The skin on my hands peels off like I'm molting. Pus oozes out of my face. I told almost everyone off last night and got hugs from the smart girl and high fives from the two knights in shiny karma.
06/09 Direct Link
Ten days off from the silliness of part-time employment and I went through two relationships, two bottles of El Presidente and an unfathomable amount of Killian's. I overdosed on Vitamin B6 and B12 to the tune of fluorescent yellow/orange urine. By the end of the weekend, with some serious self-control, I will have my liver completely detoxed for the first time in nearly 15 years. I've reached a point where I must flush. But back at the job is a nightmare. Wasted hours wilting in the sun. Sweat in my eyes below angry brows. Please, somebody shoot me. Right now.
06/10 Direct Link
Ten is the loneliest number that you'll never be. I know my enemies. They are all over the place. I'm quite tired of most everything. Even getting blitzed. I'm worn out from pursuing excess as a means of avoiding the inevitable. Other people. They disgust me. Does that mean I loathe you, as well? Shit, am I talking to you or myself? How ‘bout we just agree that you'll fuck off and I'll chill out? It's really the only option you have. If you are of the feminine variety, might I give you a very special, super-duper fuck off? Eat..
06/11 Direct Link
"Just wait, Bob, true love will find you.

Who is the ass that said this to you?
I wish I could have have been there to see the look on your fat face when those gay ass words were uttered. True love is sitting in your own filth all day long while getting loaded and watching TV. So you see, you found true love a long time ago.
I understand the hiatus. Sometimes you have to get away because you get sick of the same old fuckin people telling the same old fuckin stories every fuckin night."

Thank you, Tidbit.

06/12 Direct Link
Chicks, they're more insane that I ever thought. After a five year break from any interaction other than fluffy compliments in a drunken slur, I am beginning to realize why I swore off ‘em. I've brought up to two different women in the last two weeks the possibility of pursuing something beyond friendship.

"At first I was intimidated by you, Bob. Now I need to know what I've done to deserve you?"
"Ex squeeze, me?"

"I'm tired of men dumping me because of my job."
"You have two degrees and you manage a kitchen. How can your "career" even matter?

06/13 Direct Link
What was I thinking? Dating? Feelings? What a moron.

"Bob, if you weren't so cool, you'd be in big trouble."

My kingdom to know what that means.

Oh wait, I've heard this before.

"I'd love to date you, Bob, but you're like the perfect husband."


It's no wonder I drink like a fish.

It's no wonder I have guilt just piled to the sky for actions beyond my inebriated control.

It's no wonder women break down around me.

It's no wonder that I lie very well.

It's no wonder I have no feelings whatsoever.

It's all I can do.

06/14 Direct Link
The entire day off and nobody around. Cell phone is turned off. IM is set at invisible. I stretch and am still stiff. A static is in my ears. Blood oozes from my wounds. I'm so gorgeous. A scuffed example of humanity. The lowest of the low but the highest of the high.

*puff* *puff* *keep*

Each slight taste of motivation is rinsed with a swig of apathy. How much longer will it take for the world to see? One big sleep mask disguised as a sentimental eclipse of empty spaces in our craniums. Nothing eclipses nothing, our home, Bloodstone.
06/15 Direct Link
Above me there are worlds going on forever. Below me there is death and dirt. Surrounding me is life and its petty assurances. Inside me there is a fervor. In my ears is Santana's Bella. Wagons of peace are surrounded by anger.

"Circle the wagons, young Bob Show! Keep your head down!"

Above me is a blue sky tainted red. Below me there is death and dirt. Surround me are the minions of spite. Inside me there is bleeding. In my ears the murmurs of pleasure. Carcass of apathy surrounded by devils.

"Die Bob Show! Do us all a favor!"

06/16 Direct Link
Must get pummeled.
Must escape.

Should be in bed.
Should escape.

Can't stay sober.
Can't escape.

So high above the ground.
Inflated floppy shoes.
A frown on a floating clown.

Nothing matters.
Nothing is.

Let's call it bi-polar art. Manic-depressing creativity.
My bowels ache to push.
Wipe it on the wall.
A room of my own shite.
I hate happy people.
I hate happy.
I hate.

"Just let it be. If you try to keep it. You're doomed."
"What are you talking about?"
"Someone else's relationship."
"What do you mean by keep it?"

No escape.

06/17 Direct Link
No sleep
Quasi-strenuous work.
Beer sweats.
Stinging and stuck eyes.
Kicking liver.
Consider me gone.
Staring at clouds.
Just an observation.
Hot sun.
Biting flies.
What is.
What will never be.
Irrelevant questions.
Useless banter.
Desire to nap.
Is it actually love?
Or make believe?
It's a pain in the ass.
Fossilized tracks.
A distinct moment lacking in any feeling whatsoever.
Agonizing, whiny, disgusting bullshit.
A dead rat.
I used to think my life was something.
It's empty.
It's ridiculous.
It is.
06/18 Direct Link
This research is useless. It's obvious. Stop asking questions of the commoners. Is this where I begin repeating myself until death? Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes? The world is so much simpler over there. T'aint no big thing.

Then out of nowhere Jerilyn bellowed, "I love the Bob Show!"
Lola said, "People are annoying. I'm unwilling to compromise because it's all about me."
"What do you mean by, "it's?"
"My real name isn't Lola."
"As if I didn't know that."
"Take a left at the Roadhouse, go 2 miles stay to the right. I'm right there."

06/19 Direct Link
"I can't say anything. She totally molested you." – Jezzi
Patrick's Dad stood up to leave the bar, saying to the barkeep, "Here's cash for Bob's next beer."
"Watch my drinks, Bob, I'll be right back."
The white boys were playing that funky music.

Earlier, a sailboat mast had divided the view of the lake from the third stool at the back bar in the Pelican Zorbaz. Veronica sat aphelion to my barstool. Her hair cascaded like a curly waterfall. I know.

I was looking at her. I thought she saw me. Talk about fruitless hope.

"So, yeah, fruitless hope is…"

06/20 Direct Link
I'm on a passage to Bangkok. It's always all about me and you're welcome for me telling you that. Thanks for not asking. I turned the knob of feelings to off and people are still reeling. What happened to the nice Bob we used to know. He doesn't work here anymore. Get me a doughnut, you stiffs! But I want to talk about my feelings. Blow it out your hairdo and who told you to wear that gaudy eye shadow? I'm a live wire. I'm a dead heart. You're a pain in the ass. I will only tear you apart.
06/21 Direct Link
Give me a decent algorithm. Something to track all the random annoyances and pick out the few that actual deserve my attention. One day I'm going to beg for another chance. One day my entire façade is going to crumble. One day I will admit to only one that I never wanted to be here or there for her, myself or anyone else. Give me a decent explanation. I'll blather my way around it and isolate her, you. But Dad you weren't…

I'll have no way to respond to this full frontal assault on who I'm not trying to be.

06/22 Direct Link
Drunk to the 100th power. They say smokers die ten years earlier than they normally would have. I'll take a carton of Camels, please. Time passes. The herb is keepin' it real. The only semblance of sanity is a quick puff and a long exhale. I wonder why we spend these nights together. I'm always the Sancho Panza disguised as Quixote who runs into more Panzas. Faithful companions, now where did we leave the jackasses? Wait, we are the jackasses. Eeyore! It doesn't matter anyway. I wonder why we waste our lives here. We should be chillin' in paradise. Ugh.
06/23 Direct Link
Some women just don't get it.
"Bob, I thought we were friends."
"Yeah. Well, you thought wrong."
Some wastes of time just don't get it.
That's why nature makes the best drug.

TJ stepped on a saw in her silk pajamas on a quest for a fire pit poker and the ability to poop more. There was some mention of liquor-infused fruit as a metaphor for sex and the aphrodisiacal nature of food, in general.

Erin and Lulu sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G First comes oral, then comes the strap-on, then comes the ice dildo and Bob's says, "Fuck yea-uh."

06/24 Direct Link
"I was driving down a one-way in Moorhead the wrong way.
A cop pulled me over and asked, ‘Didn't you see the arrows?'
"Man, I didn't even see the Indians."
- Coach

"Everybody's got an asshole. That doesn't mean they all stink." – Randy

"Oh Bob, we'll be huggin' later!"
- Candace Joy Wisdom

She was right. The first hug I turn down and I had trouble letting her go. The girl's a frisky tart.

"Bob, you are a genius."
"I know."
"That's so arrogant."
"But it's true."
"I guess you're right."
"You're still laughing, Lare."
"It's a madhouse! A madhouse!"

06/25 Direct Link
I finally killed it. Romance lies at my feet. It's all flattery that is true yet emotionless. Friendship is dying quickly. I continue to close on my goal of complete and utter serenity. If you people would just beat it, I'd have much less stress. I'm embarrassed by myself, but worse, all of you. Please, just find me that one, lone Buddhist monastery with a fully-stocked wet bar. Do a brother a favor. I want to live on the top of the mountain, the back recesses of the cave, the igloo in Antarctica. Anywhere away from contemporary society. I, disgust.
06/26 Direct Link
4:45 am. Had huge water bhong hit.
5:30 am Decided against working by passing out
9:30 am Awoke with joy at not being at work
9:31 am Distressed as to the location of my one-hitter
1:44 pm Finally rose from bed
2:30 pm Felt like ass
* Time passes *
Numerous races to the bathroom ensue
11:59 pm Why am I not asleep?

Mondays will always be evil. Tuesdays are worse. One day there won't be any days. It will one big party with a bar that never closes. Hey, if that's my heaven, none of you are invited. Well…

06/27 Direct Link
Work. What a waste of time and energy. Let's all do anything we don't want to for money. Hey, some of us can do whatever they want to do. Oh yeah, I really want to be a dentist. Nice aspirations. But sure, people need dentists. I drink enough milk. I've got good genetics and thankfully, I lack the need to bleach my teeth so I look like some freakish talking head on television. One day everyone will be dead. It can't come soon enough. Oh sure, Bob Show, why don't you save the world?

"Ahh, let me see…fuck off you…"

06/28 Direct Link
"He's still angry."
"I can't figure him out."
"Why bother trying?"
"He told me my existence was meaningless and futile."
"Well, you were excited about getting a bathroom cleanser."
"I still don't get what he meant by whatever he said about irony."
"Let's go shopping."

"I'm still angry."
"Don't bother."
"Unless those little bubble brush guys show up to clean the tub."
"Thank you for paying attention."
"Good little Americans."

And then Corndog Williams, the coolest Beagle on the planet jumped next to me on the couch and agreed. It is a madhouse. Give me a treat. Amen.

06/29 Direct Link
I'd like to claim Independence from all of you fellow Americans. The blind and mute leading the blind and mute leading the blind and mute led by the rich, blind and mute. A string of morons walking over a cliff to their own death and the ridiculous dreams of some hippie in the sky who came and supposedly shared all the sins of the world. Doesn't that make him first in line. Hey big Jeez, if Satan and I sit at the bottom of the cliff with a trampoline I think we'd both agree to ole' your shit. Now jump.
06/30 Direct Link
Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.