San Diego arrived last evening around 7:30. After the initial hellos and bedroom romp, off we were for a delicious meal of sushi and Saki. After a long walk to the peer and back, more canoodling at my place. We slept in after a morning wake-up exercise, then got up and watched silly movies til it was time to go out to lunch with the kids, Bo and Haley. Then it was off to have beer at the peer, back to my place for more amore and a nap. Tonight will be more dinner and fun. I hope it lasts.

Red and Kev came down to join San Diego and me for a day at the beach. Red is learning to surf and San Onofre near my home is notorious for great waves. After a Mexican lunch with Margaritas, we headed the few miles down I-5 to our final destination. The waves were huge. I tried to get into the water, but the waves kept pummeling me into the sand. There were only surfers there, so I would have felt a little foolish going out on my Boggie Board. It stayed behind. Too bad we couldn’t find the nude beach.

Labor Day. No work. Just laying around all day doing nothing. San Diego left around noon and I went back to bed for a lazy afternoon nap. Upon awakening, I moved to the couch where I laid for the rest of the evening. Isn’t that what Labor Day’s all about? Not laboring. No housework, no dishes, no nothing. Just mind numbing idiot box all day long. After the go-go weekend I had with San Diego, it was a nice reprieve. There are days when you just have to say, “What the fuck?” I don’t want to move today. I didn’t.

The Prodigal Son and I have come to an agreement. I will be taking a portion of his check for the next couple of months to save for him. He needs to get a car. Once he has a car, it will serve many purposes. He can move freely back and forth to work. No more Taxi Mama. He can start looking for another job, one that pays more than he makes now. He can find places to stay other than mine without having to rely on friends to get him around. Best of all? He can sleep in it!

I am taking vacation days tomorrow and Friday. I am jazzed and revved up for carnal activity. I text my current provider of that particular enjoyment and got an odd response. He’s usually hot to trot and hits me up first. This time, I felt him out. When I commented that I missed his pounding cock already his response was that my dildo was available. Huh??? So, I reply that I only use my vibrator for personal interludes; I prefer warm, hard, fleshy cock for penetration. He had no comeback. Something fishy is going on in San Diego, me thinks.

Are you ready for some football? Opening night, my Saints are playing the defending Super Bowl Champs, the Colts. This is gonna be a tough one. I have pizza left in my freezer from San Diego this past weekend. My buddy, Santi, loaned me $20 for beer to go with my pizza. I am so lucky I have so many great friends. Santi said he couldn’t possibly let me watch my beloved Saints without beer. That would be sacreligious. The game was great in the beginning, but by the end, we became the “Aint’s” and we are 0 and 1.

I almost had a date tonight. Tall Blonde got my number while I was out to dinner with friends a couple of weeks ago. He finally called. First, we were going to meet at the Thai restaurant where I met him. He really thought I was cute. He practically begged me to go home with him. I declined. But, alas, he mentioned speed. I don’t mean the traveling kind. I don’t do that, I told him. Later he called to cancel. Something came up, he said. Yeah, I guess the fact that I’m not a druggie came up. Thank God.

Another Saturday broke. Can’t go the Pub. Can’t go out to dinner. Can’t go to the movies. Can’t do anything that requires money. Only thing to do is sit and wait. Wait for what? For my life to start happening. When is that going to happen? Life just happens and we are swept away by the current of circumstances. Life is what you make it. Today, the life I make is boring. I want excitement. I need excitement. I crave excitement. I cannot live without excitement. Sometimes, though, I have to make my own. I dance to my own music.

Football Sunday. Good old football. I really like watching football. Especially when I have bets on it. The only bet I have going right now is with San Diego. I bet my Saints were going to have a better record than the Chargers this year. I know, sucker bet. I’m sure I’ll lose. But at least I have good reason to root for the Saints and against the Chargers so the games will provide extra excitement. Not sure what the payoff is yet. We haven’t decided. I let him decide. As it stands now? I’m losing. Saints 0, Chargers 1.

Just when I was feeling that everything was going smoothly with San Diego, the shit hits the fan. Why can’t I ever have any type of relationship with a man whether it be friendship with benefits, benefits without friendship or otherwise without them at some point in time calling me clingy? That’s what he did…said I was being clingy. Why? Because I text my “friend” about our football bet? Because I wished him a great weekend in a text on Friday? I AM A FRIENDLY PERSON. PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW THAT MAKES ME CLINGY??? Sick of men and their BULLSHIT!!!

Texting is definitely not the most reliable communication tool. I realized that after I talked to San Diego tonight. It seems that a great many things can be misinterpreted in texting. It seems a person can confuse friendliness with clinginess all because of texting. Funny how after talking, all the misconceptions were cleared up. It still stings that I was misunderstood for so long without being able to defend myself. I hate being misunderstood. I hate feeling like an idiot when I don’t have all the facts either. I think I’ll lay off the texting. I’m not a freakin’ teenager.

I have read many accounts from homosexuals over the years. One of the common themes in their stories is that they tried to “pray away the gay.” This was usually in response to some Bible thumping Neanderthal with a brain the size of a pea who asked the stupid question, “Did you ever try to pray to God to change you?” Many prayed, fasted, cried for many years before realizing the answer from God was “I love you the way I made you.” I, on the other hand, have been praying for God to make me gay. I’m still straight.

When am I going to get it right? When am I going to stop fooling around with “friends” who’ll never think of me as anything more? When am I going to stop doing this to myself? When am I going to learn that it never turns out good for me, only bad? When am I going to realize that I am only setting myself up for another depressed, heartbroken episode? When am I going to just not give a damn if I’m alone? When am I going to find that one and only? When am I going to stop looking?

Well, it’s another Friday night. And I know I won’t be hearing from San Diego. He has cut off contact with me. He doesn’t text or call me like he was. If I text or call him to chat, I get labeled with clingy. I just don’t get it. I trusted him to go easy on me when he decided we should stop having sex. But we were supposed to remain friends. How can I be friendly with him if he thinks I’m being clingy? Yet, Red can call him three times a day and she’s not clingy? Too much!

The drive was beautiful. The top was down as I hugged the curves on the winding highway over the mountain. The day was awash with golden sunlight dancing on the leaves of the trees lining each side of the road. The Prodigal Son was finally getting wheels. The car was just on the other side of the mountain. His car. A car he can use for getting to and from work. A car he can use to look for a better job. A car he can sleep in when he gets on my last nerve and I kick him out.

Well, it happened again. I tried not to let it happen. I tried to do everything right. I tried not to let it hurt when the rug got pulled, but I really didn’t expect the rug to get pulled so swiftly and suddenly. I expected to be prepared. I didn’t expect that San Diego would come over and treat me to another great weekend and then just drop out without a word. The clingy excuse. I’m sick it. A guy gets me to the point where I’m comfortable and having fun, then they pull the clingy card and beat it.

Red and San Diego: The two of you can have each other and your friendship. You both were extremely insensitive to my feelings. Yes, I have feelings. I have feelings for all my friends. And when friends treat me with such disregard, they get hurt. You both stabbed me in the back and I don’t know if I can be friends with either one of you. I have plenty of other friends who care about my feelings and wouldn’t dream of doing something that would hurt them. I’ll be fine. I’m getting to be a pro at getting over shit.

Help!!! Missy is getting close. She has been seeing a young man she knew throughout her junior year in high school. He has been guiding my daughter through some of the finer details of making out and sex. He has been her first for several things. She is still a virgin. Now he is pressuring her to go all the way. She knows he just wants to have sex and not a relationship. She’s been holding off. My advice? DON’T DO IT!!! Sex will ruin the friendship if he’s not into you romantically. I should know, happens every fucking time!

My heart is so fucking heavy today. My two so-called friends were apparently really never friends. If they thought that my heart wouldn’t hurt to be cut out so obviously, then they never knew me. She should have known how my heart would break when it was over with San Diego. She knew I would miss him. She knew if he didn’t want to ever talk to me anymore, it would hurt worse. She knew all this and still let me know at every turn how much they talk. Still stings. I will get over this. Just tired of it.

I wish I could get out from under this cloud hanging over my head. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and not think about “it.” I hate that you cannot stop thinking no matter how hard you try to. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a button in your brain that you could just press to stop the noise in your head? My mind just won’t shut off. It is constant chatter about things I don’t want to think about. I wish I knew how to meditate. That is one way to still the voices, I have heard.

I need a raise. I was supposed to get two this year. Unfortunately, the company is having some financial difficulty. Raises are frozen. Sucks. I should be making more money. I am still underpaid for the job I do. It amazes me how the cost of living can keep rising and rising, but salaries have remained stagnant. Case in point: Twenty years ago, when I was a single mom with a three year old, I made ten dollars an hour. Now my little boy is all grown up and he makes less. What is the world coming to? Scary thought.

Well, Asshole, formerly known as San Diego, finally responded to my persistence in trying to communicate. Did it go well? Not at all! All he wanted to do was dig at me more and make me feel worse than I already do. I said I was sorry. I begged forgiveness from both him and Red. Neither is willing to drop their animosity towards me. Oh well. I have no problem admitting my faults. If they can’t find it in their hearts to forgive me and make up, then I do not need friends like that. They are not without blemish.

Sometimes I have to shout to the world what great friends I have. I am penniless at the moment, but my pals made sure I had a fresh beer in front of me for football Sunday down at the Pub. It was great to get away from my depression and hang out with good friends and watch football all day long. We laughed. We drank. We told joke after joke after joke. So much fun was had, I almost forgot about my broken heart. If it would just heal, I can hang at my place and not be so lonely.

It’s time to get back in the saddle again. San Diego has fizzled out and I need to get back in the game. Back to the ole drawing board. I cannot handle sitting home every night and weekend and not put myself out there as potential in the love department. I haven’t tried on-line dating lately, so I set myself up again at a FREE dating site. I like FREE because if the date is sucky, which it sometimes is, at least I’m not out the monthly fee. Maybe this time I’ll get lucky! Or not. Those are the breaks!

To my dear friend: The day you came into my life was one of the best days of my life. I can’t imagine what my life would be like right now if you hadn’t arrived in it when you did. I have had many ups and downs since then, but the roller coaster is easier to deal with knowing I have you as a friend. You bring sunshine to my sometimes rainy soul. Thanks for being there. I love you to the depths of my soul. Not romantic love, but soul love that only the closest of friends can share.

I should just hand a shingle on my door reading “The Fish’s Boarding House.” My home is open to any friend who needs a roof and they sometimes come in droves. The Prodigal Son is a semi-permanent fixture. My friends know that they will be fed and entertained when over at my pad. It makes me feel good to share my life with my friends. It makes me feel good to make them feel comfortable and at home. Admittedly I have some stake in inviting friends over. They keep me from going stone cold crazy lonely. I don’t like loneliness.

I have hooked a big catch from a free on-line dating web site by the name of “Plenty of Fish.” The e-mail exchanges so far are going beautifully. He’s funny, sweet, complimentary and has a naughty sense of humor like me. I have been cracking him up for the past two days with my wit and charm. He thinks I have a pretty face too. Best part? He’s 6 foot 8 inches tall. Oh my!!! San Diego was short with a Napoleon complex. Going out with a tall, blonde, devastatingly cute man will be a much needed change of pace!

This is getting interesting. The e-mails are getting better and better. I cannot believe the way he seems to be reading my mind. I think of something and, boom, there’s the e-mail mentioning exactly what I was thinking. I like rain and thought of snuggling with my Gentle Giant this morning while it was raining. I get mail and the rain is making him want to snuggle with me. I think does he give good massages. Boom, mail about a full body massage he plans on giving me with his big strong hands. And so it went throughout our exchanges.

Oh my, am I having fun now! Gentle Giant really likes my personality and sense of humor. So, tonight, instead of exchanging e-mails, we exchanged numbers and graduated to texting. He wanted me to send pictures of myself to his phone. Hmmmm, what could I do that would be funny? I took a picture of my foot and sent it. I took a picture of a peak at my cleavage. I took a picture with my hair in my face. Oh, how I teased him and, oh, how he loved it. He thinks my personality is better than most women.

The date is set and I’m a nervous wreck!!! Gentle Giant finally broke down and made a date. I wouldn’t send him a picture of my face and it was driving him crazy! So I told him I was holding out until he asked me out. He replied, “Is that all you’re waiting for. When are you available?” I know he’s a football fan so I suggested Monday Night Football. When he said “Now that we have a date can you send me more pics,” I took a picture of the painting above my bed and sent it. Heheheheeee. Sucker!!!