REPORT A PROBLEM
I have been married twice and it was never this good. I'm not just talking sex. I'm talking connection...chemistry...just letting go and feeling so good with someone. I don't know if I can ever give this up. I don't think I have the strength. I have had a hard time giving up relationships that were not near at this level. I am smitten. And he knows it. And he's not running for the hills. And I never need to hear him say he loves me. As long as he doesn't mind me saying it. He's all I want.
Jesus Fucking Christ!!! I feel as though I have awakened to a Louisiana nightmare of humidity and heat. I miss the California ocean breezes. I miss the cool air at night. Fall better hurry up and arrive because I don't think I can take much more. It is time for this heat to take a chill pill. I need air. I can't breath. I feel as though I'm drowning with every breath I take. No air...I need air...please give me some air. Sweet, ocean air. Come back to me. I can't sleep. Please come back to me. Please???
Does God love everyone? Even the lowliest of the low? I say yes. I believe that love is the essence of God. The only animals on earth that not only feel love but can actualize it are humans. I believe that this is where God's psyche lies. God experiences everything through us. So, if I am loved by just one other person, I am loved by God. If I love just one other person, then they are loved by God for I and they are God's consciousness. Everyone is loved by God because everyone is loved by some other human.
I am overcome with happiness. I arrived home at precisely noon today. The Boss Lady let us go early as I had so hoped she would. We had to hustle some butt to get everything accomplished, but we did it. The sun is shining, it is a hot day and I am inclined to head to the lake. Blondie can't make a get-together today, so I am on my own. I think I will go and float the afternoon away on the cool water of the lake. I will take a few beers with me and I'm set. Woooooooohooooooooo!!!
Susie Q planted herself on my doorstep last night. It has already begun. She wants to dominate my time on the weekends now and I just want to be alone in my space. Is that too much to ask??? I didn't get to the lake. I didn't get to the beach. I didn't get to the pool. I had to entertain my company. That sucks!!! I really do love my friends, but I just wish sometimes they would understand how rude it is to just invite themselves over and plant themselves on my couch when all I want is peace!
Waiting. Wanting. Needing. The clock continued to tick as the window of time we were supposed to have together closed. I sipped on a couple of gin and tonics hoping my phone would ring or there would be mail in my inbox. As the afternoon wore on, I grew more dissappointed and the alcohol was going to my head. Never mix alcohol and dissappointment. The emotions become too raw. I finally laid my head down, which by now, was spinning from gin. A few tears fell from my eyes and I slipped into slumber. Dating a married man...shit happens!
Labor Day!!! I live for these three day weekends. The only problem with this one is that I awoke to company in the living room. I so enjoy my mornings now. Living alone has been a joy that I never thought I would get to experience. I enjoy it so much so, that when company spends the night, I am a little resentful that I don't have my place all to myself. I love lazy mornings alone with my thoughts, coffee and smokes. Having to entertain company at first light just annoys the shit outta me. What happened to me???
Back to work after a three and a half day weekend. Sucks rotten eggs. It is so hard to get up again and get ready for work. I love my job, but I love my freedom more. Maybe someday I can quit the rat race. Maybe someday I can sail across the ocean blue and do whatever I want to. To lay around in the sun all day drinking Pina Coladas is a fantasy that will never come true. I know it's not feasible but dreaming is the only thing that keeps me sane. I would probably kill myself otherwise.
Wow!!! Just Wow!!! I could write this entire entry using just the word "wow." A sneak visit to his office was just the ticket. I parked in the back so as not to arouse suspician just in case anyone showed up while I was there. He came to the door and I startled him from behind. We hugged, kissed our hellos and headed up to the office. There we proceeded to do what we so love to do. Fuck! Desk, chair, chair, desk. We christened that office with our lovemaking. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow!!!
During a debate that has been ongoing on BeliefNet, I had to comment on a point that Ken made. My reply is posted here: "Ken...I've seen you make this point before and you are entirely correct. It makes no difference what the "facts" MAY lead to...whatever happens happens. We have no control over whether an occurrence happens. It just does. What we do with the information is what I think Vis is going on about. But why fear??? Humans have adapted quite well to the ever changing aspects of life...or we wouldn't still be here, no???" Evolution.
This has been Hell Day! I can't remember a Friday that I have detested as much as today. I would love nothing better than to go back to bed and start all over. The Prodigal Son is having a very bad day. He can't stop crying. As a mother, this breaks my heart. Work has been crazy as well. My office is approximately 100 degrees and the boys in the warehouse made one mistake too many today and I ended up telling the warehouse manager to drop dead! Oy vay! I need a stiff drink! Or a stiff cock. Yeah!
He called me today. I love it when he takes a few minutes to call and chat for a few minutes. He said he didn't want to mess up like he did last weekend. I laughed. I said, "I didn't read you the riot act or anything!" I understand that I am seeing a married man. I understand that he won't always be able to let me know what is happening. It's something I have to deal with. He's coming over again on Tuesday. He wants to spend a more time with me. I'm still amazed that he's still around.
The Prodigal Son needs a good ass whoopin!!! A very lovely day at the lake was tainted due to his moping and generally grumpy attitude. You would think that he is the only human to ever have his heart broken. Why can't he follow his own advice? How many times has he chastised me for the same thing? I mention I'm lonely sometimes, he's all over me with you should love yourself more. I mention heartbreak and he's all over me with how I shouldn't need anyone to make me feel whole. So how come he doesn't practice his preaching?
Today was our four month anniversary. We met exactly four months ago, and it is still going. That's a record for any man I met off the internet. I am so glad I posted that ad. I am so glad he answered it. Out of all the responses I got from that ad, his was the only one that really got my attention. Then, when I saw his picture, I was sure he was too good-looking for me and would run upon seeing mine. He didn't and here we are four months later still enjoying our little secret affair.
Oh how I love my Blondie...let me count the ways. I love the way his eyes light up when he smiles. I love the way he laughs at my jokes and loves to hear my stories. I love the way he doesn't judge me for anything that I have done in the past or for the things that I do in the present. I love the way he kisses me like kissing me is the ultimate treasure on earth. I love the way that he loves to explore intimacy with me and discover new ways to please one another.
Creationists sometimes use the "Hitler" defense for their notion that evolution leads to evil. Evolution happens. If someone takes that and does something horrible because they misunderstood the theory, that does not in any way negate the theory. Nor does it prove that the theory creates Hitler's. Many, many, many more people accept the fact of evolution and don't become little Hitler's. Correlation does not equal causation. The splitting of the atom and the energy it produces is not going to stop happening just because bombs are being made any more than evolution will stop happening if Hitlers are made.
I don't know what the hell to write about. Today is actually October 8 and I am writing for September 17. I have this day and three others to fill with 100 words in order to finish the month. This is rough, I tell ya. I have written just about everything my feeble little mind can come up with and still I have more to write. I write about this, I write about that, I write about good times, I write about bad times, I write about broken hearts and wounded knees. I write to release the tension inside me.
Tonight was a change of pace for me. I took a nice, hot bubble bath. I put on make-up and did my hair. I left my place at 10:30. This was very late for me, but I was in a mood. I picked up Jules at her house and off to the Irish Pub we went. I had a lovely time saying hello to many old pals. I was told not once, but twice, that I looked beautiful. I sang my signature song, didn't get too drunk, and headed home to the comfort of my bed and Bo.
The water was calling to me. I met Jules at the beach and baptized my body in the divinity of the ocean. I love the ocean. I love the feeling of the waves crashing into my body. I love the feeling of buoyancy as the tides carry my body up and down in the water. After I was finished at the beach, I headed home to Missy and friend. We took the 1000 steps to the upper pool where I floated on the water sunning for a long time. This was a very good water day. I love the water!
When did the Ex become so vindictive and heartless? Was he always that way and I somehow didn't notice? Was I so willing to make the marriage work that I just pushed anything that bothered me about him under the rug? He has taken me and my son off the lake membership. For what reason? The only reason I can imagine is to be spiteful, vindictive and mean. What did I ever do to him that would cause him to want to be so petty and malicious? I was a good wife for 16 years. And a good EX wife!
Monday. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah! Need I say more???
A message from Blondie this morning: "Thought I would tell you this morning how much I really appreciate what we are sharing together. You don't judge me, you totally indulge me sexually including my fem or dom sides..hehehehe you are always a no pressure partner with me especially with my often times crazy schedule...and the sex and friendship is simply great. I really enjoy what we have and appreciate it. How's that for your morning message? Fri afternoon right at 4P sounds like a winner to me. E" I feel like I have died and gone to Heaven!
The Prodigal Son has been wanting to hang out with the "Momskies" lately. Tonight, I treated him to the 2 for 1 burger/fries special at the Irish Pub. He had just arrived when the lights went out. It has been very hot for the past few days and the air-conditioning overload threw us into a blackout. It was kind of exciting. Sitting in the pub with no lights, no music, no sound at all except for the voices of fellow bar patrons making jokes and laughing. After about an hour, the electricity returned and our burgers were served.
I am seriously having to pinch myself. I seriously cannot believe this is still going. I am seriously trying not to let my doubts sink in and ruin the good feeling I have. I have seriously thought that any day now, I will get the boot...the old rug pulled out from under me, leaving me in a heap on the floor. But, instead, I get a very nice e-mail stating how much he appreciates what we have. I seriously can't believe it. I seriously thought that he would run for the hills after I had professed my love.
Sweet, blissful, romantic, sexy, cool, passionate, wet, hot. The pool was so nice today. It was a hot day. I worked through lunch to end my workday earlier than usual. I had a date. I was excited from the anticipation of spending the afternoon with my...lover. I hesistate to say my beloved. I don't have the right to call him that. Even if I may feel it in my heart, I dare not proclaim it, own it, release it. I enjoy these times too deeply to make that mistake. No, lover will do. And it is doing quite nicely.
He looked into her eyes with such pleading. He wanted to be with an older woman, he said. He wasn't interested in the younger women at the pub. He only had eyes for her. He pleaded, practically begging her to be his fantasy, his experienced older woman. She was flattered, naturally. She held his cheek gently in her hand and looked into his eyes and said, "My son is older than you." She gently told him that she could never do that. She told him that she was seeing someone. She is pushing 50 and he is 22. Dream on.
Somewhere Over the Rainbow; Dorothy and Toto; Aunte Em; Professor Marvel; the Cyclone; Glenda, the Good Witch of the East; Munchkinland; the Wicked Witch of the West; the Ruby Slippers; the Yellow Brick Road; the Scarecrow; the Tin Man; the Cowardly Lion; Oz; the Wizard of Oz; the Flying Monkeys; Dorothy is Kidnapped; the Hourglass; the Rescue; Fire on Scarecrow; Water on Wicked Witch; I'm Melting, I'm Melting; Witches Broom Taken to the Wizard; Scarecrow Gets a Brain; Tin Man Gets a Heart; Lion Gets Courage; There's No Place Like Home; It Was All a Dream Somewhere Over the Rainbow
"Hello," I answered. "They fucking found me 100% at fault!," she cried on the phone. "No way!" I exclaimed. "Yep...it was the pedestrian's fault," she exploded. For three long years I have had to listen to Susie Q cry, wail, bitch and moan about the accident. Yes...a truck belonging to a landscaping company hit her as she crossed the street. Yes...she damn near died. But I don't know if it's such a good idea to sue the company when you were not in a crosswalk AND you had been drinking. I knew it was a lost cause.
I wonder if I have lost my mind completely over this love affair. I wonder if someday I will want more than he can give. I wonder if we will still be seeing each other five years from now. I wonder if I am just wasting my time. I cannot find one thing wrong with him. If I had a checklist of every little detail of the man I would fall in love with, he would meet every requirement. Every one!!! The only kink is that he is married. Otherwise, he is the answer to the perfect man for me.
Damn...five days to finish up September. What the Hell should I write about? My mind sometimes gets tired of trying to put my thoughts into words. I don't know what to say on paper, yet...Damn, I can talk a blue streak! But try to express myself in 100 words? Tough. This is not as easy as it seems. Day in and day out, coming up with 100 words to express myself. I can talk 1000 words when given the opportunity, but try to write 100 words a day? It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it!
The Tip Jar