REPORT A PROBLEM
I once said NO MORE ROMANCE!!! And I mean't it. I would have been fine without it. But it happened anyway. I tried not to let it happen but it was so damn nice I got swept away. But the reason I didn't want any more romance has reared it's ugly head in record time to teach me a lesson. My heart got broken...again....for the fucking last time. It never fails. That's why I said NO MORE ROMANCE to begin with. No one has ever loved me as deeply as I loved them...so I fucking give up!!!
She couldn't get past it. She tried hard. It was the part she had the hardest time accepting. She accepted her lot in life. She had been shown her life's path...and it wasn't going to be easy...but she was ready to accept it. She would have to be alone. Accepted. It was easier to be alone once it was accepted. Hope only made her feel worse. She could accept his decision. What she couldn't accept is that he didn't feel the same way about her. This hurt most of all...and will be the hardest part to accept.
Sometimes I hear a song that just blows me away and fits my mood to a tee. Norah Jones, Seven Years: "Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song...A little girl with nothing wrong...Is all alone. Eyes wide open...Always hoping for the sun...And she'll sing her song to anyone that comes along. Fragile as a leaf in autumn...Just fallin' to the ground...Without a sound. Crooked little smile on her face...Tells a tale of grace...That's all her own. Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song...A little girl with nothing wrong...And she's all alone."
The call came late. "Mom!!!" she cried. "What's wrong?" the worried mother quarried. "It was just so emotional!!!" she wails into the phone as she breaks into huge sobs. "It's all right...calm down...I know," Mother comforted. "Did you have fun?" "Yeah, it was great...but then they played the song "Remember" and we all just stood in a group and got so emotional and we all just started crying ..." as the sobs overcame her again. The eighth grade dance must have been a success, the mom thought. She remembered those days of friends and goodbyes. Emotions run strong.
Three years ago today...I died. Yes, you read right folks...I died. It was a blissful experience that couldn't possibly be described in mere words. And yet, I live to sit here and tell about it. Yes...I died and came back to life. Fuckin' trippin' huh??? It was the night of a full moon. It was a June Moon. It was a Strawberry Moon. It was a Red Moon. I spent three days in a local psychiatric unit afterwards. Today I begin to write my story, give up it's revelations and let the chips fall where they may.
I can't stop laughing. They call it a "Freudian Slip." I call it fucking hysterical!!! Kyle, the bartender, and I got chatty over my dinner as the solo singer sang songs while he strummed his acoustic guitar. After two glasses of wine and dessert, I say to Kyle..."I'll have a BJ for my nightcap please," and he smiles and says "A blowjob???" "Yes," I reply. "I don't drink hard liquor any more but I love Kahlua and Bailey's Irish Creme...a blowjob's the only liquor I'll have that's hard." I still can't stop laughing!!! A blowjob...hard liquor...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
What an ASSHOLE! He asks can I pick up Missy from school tomorrow and I say why. Because he's golfing...AGAIN!!! I tell him I didn't know that getting a divorce mean't I also had to give up golf as well. I have new clubs I'ld like to try out, I tell him. Have you taken them to the driving range he asks. Yes I tell him...I was hitting the ball great!!! So you've tried them, he says. What an ASSHOLE!!! He can afford to golf all the time, but I gotta pay half the vet bill tomorrow! ASSHOLE!!!
There was no rain in the forecast. But on Monday morning it rained!!! And I made it happen. I have been trying to make it rain and lately all I get are overcast mornings. Yesterday, I mustered up all my power of persuasion with the Universe and asked them to please make it rain for me. Give me a sign I am on the right track in my life. Let me know you are still there looking out for me. By Sunday evening, it was clouding up. On Monday morning, wet ground and rain! I must be doing something right!
I didn't plan it this way. It just happened. Another one of those coincidences that seem to have planned in our subconcious and then worked it's way into reality. It was three years ago today that I fled here with my son to escape. I had to clear my mind and I always come home to Mother. Mother's are always there for you when nobody else is. I pray everyone has a mother or mother figure in their life they can go to when the world swallows them whole. A mother's love can heal when no other love will do.
Things that tell me I'm not in California anymore...I'm in the freakin' BOONIES: Having to stop the car to allow a mother duck and her two babies to cross the road when there is no pond in sight; the lady behind the counter in the convenience store lighting up a smoke; a dog nipping at my heels on my morning walk; an injured baby bird on the living room floor that I have to take outside and deposit in the pecan grove across the street because of a cat's natural urges; bloodthirsty mosquitoes searching for fresh food...particularly mine!!!
If God wanted to show me how hard the road ahead will be, then they did it this morning!!! Note to Self: Do not discuss your beliefs about Jesus and God with your Bible fed, Christian indoctrinated Aunt. I can't believe you ended up in a loud, heated and emotional argument with your sainted Aunt Caroline. If her beliefs are what you are up against in the future, you have got to get control of your emotions and not let it get to you. You must maintain your composure and speak with authority. It is essential that you stay calm.
I miss my friend. I have been trying not to, but I keep getting reminded everywhere I go!!! Reminded by the car that my childhood best friend drives; reminded by her father's name; reminded by the home city of the characters in the movie we watched; reminded by the books on my sister's book shelf...not ONE but TWO books we discussed at some point. If I don't forget and stop crying, I'm going to have my tear ducts removed and go get hypnotized to erase it from my memory!!! I wish that friendship hadn't mean't so much to me!!!
I watched as he slung the handy strap he had attached to the handles on the back of the old aluminum boat up over his shoulder as he lifted the dead weight. He pulled the boat through the brush as Valerie and I walked behind. "You have got one hunk of a boyfriend," I said. She smiled. "He's masculine, handsome, romantic, sings, writes love songs, charming, funny, master storyteller, spiritual, compassionate...he's everything I've ever hoped for in a man." I wasn't worried about her reaction to my comments. Wilderness Mike is my brother and I love him to pieces!!!
Lightening and Rain. Fire and Water. Sun and Earth. Adam and Eve. Male and Female. Yin and Yang. Right and Left. Up and Down. Here and There. In and Out. North and South. East and West. Positive and Negative. Multiply and Divide. Add and Subtract. Light and Dark. Day and Night. God and Satan. Heaven and Hell. Good and Bad. Joy and Sorrow. Laughter and Tears. Love and Hate. You and Me. White and Black. Courage and Fear. Peace and War. Alpha and Omega. Beginning and Ending. Past and Future. Birth and Death. Then and Now. Unity exists in duality.
I was fully immersed in the moment as I sat on the old swing hanging from my brother's back porch. While I was reading my favorite author, his words delighting my intellect, I could hear the sound of thunder rolling in from the distance. The raindrops began slowly with a drop here and a drop there, gradually increasing into a spectacular summer downpour. The birds provided music for my entertainment and the cool breeze on my skin reminded me that I am alive. The rain was falling all around me while I stayed dry underneath my shelter from the storm.
The same magic that transformed Pinnochio into a real boy made it happen again...to a grown woman. She became a real boy for just a few, glorious hours...but she'll remember it for a lifetime. She howled with laughter as her beloved nephew "fish-tailed" the four-wheeler, throwing her from side to side. She raised her arms in a flying position as he sped the machine to it's maximum speed and then skidded to a stop. She ate mud and was scratched by the thorns of the blackberry bushes. She was alive and she was a boy...for a moment.
With each new sunrise, the tears are fewer and less frequent. I am past wanting to erase the memory. I want to remember it fondly like I do all my friendships. It will go in the place in my heart where I keep all my special friendships. It's time to move on. I had to get over it. I had to put it in perspective. I had to get back to reality. It was fun while it lasted though!!! I'll always smile when I remember it. The memories will always bring me joy and not sorrow. Be well, my friend.
I placed the red and pink flowers in the vase and fell silent for a while. I wondered what he would have looked like. What color would his eyes have been? What color would his hair have been? I know things happen for a reason and I didn't need two boys to handle as a single mom...nevertheless, I still wanted him. I would have been able to handle it, but it was not to be. I carried him for six months and he was my son. He flew away an hour after he was born. John David Christian, 1985.
FUCK!!! I have not been this dissappointed in myself in a long time. What is the lesson I am to learn from this? I am DONE with alcohol. All the good times I've had drinking cannot make up for the absolute stupidity of my actions and the consequences I must pay. Alcohol has nearly ruined my wonderful vacation. Spending several hours going to and from detention centers, being humiliated beyond belief, has cast a terrible pall on my trip. Thank God they gave my license back to me so I can travel or I would had been stuck here indefinitely!!!
I never knew what it was like to have a father. No "daddy's little girl" for me. He wasn't a bad man. In fact, he was well loved by everyone who knew him. He was kind and charming. He just had one bad habit that ruined it for him and everyone else. He tipped the bottle. A lot. Quite a lot. He finally succumbed to his ill health in November of 1989. He's the reason I can't drink. It's in the blood, you know. My daughter says she's never going to drink. I pray that's one "never" that God allows.
I am so fucking HAPPY to be home!!! I could have kissed the California ground after touchdown. I have had my fill of fundamentalist Baptist Christians all cheering their hero, Bush, on to the next election; thick southern accents so country you'ld swear you died and woke up in "Hee Haw Hell"; humid weather that created nothing but frizzy hair days (thank God for the hair clip); bloodthirsty mosquitoes chasing you down as you try to take your daily morning walk; dogs OFF leashes; and the number one thing I can live without as long as I live??? Redneck cops!!!
The "Den of Death" or "Sportsman's Lair." The fact that my brother could kill such beautiful creatures used to really bother me. But I have reconciled his love of hunting with my love of life. After sitting and listening to him explain the sheer joy his spirit feels when out on the "hunt" and the way he lovingly speaks of the animals he will kill, I am reminded of our Indian ancestry. He reveres the animals and they provide three things for him: spiritual food, physical food and visual food. I must admit, the animals make exquisite works of art!!!
I wear a t-shirt occasionally with the words "perfect beauty" written across the front. I'm sure many think me vain when they walk by and read the inscription. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not vain nor am I perfect. Beautiful? Well, that's in the eye of the beholder, no? The saying on the shirt goes much deeper than vanity. Beauty lies in the imperfections. If only perfection existed there would be no standard by which to declare something "beautiful." Imperfection gives birth to beauty. Since nothing and no-one is "perfect" then everything and everyone is "perfectly beautiful."
This was a good day that ended badly! I went to the beach with my very best girlfriend, a friend of hers and a whole truckload of kids. Got tons of sun and heard a story from her friend that put my piddly ass little problems to shame. God, my heart goes out to her. I'm keeping her in my prayers daily. Then I got home and my furniture FINALLY arrived. So, I decided to use the gas grill at the pool to cook dinner. At the end of a great day, I realized I had lost my pool key!!!
Ex invited me to go golfing. I offered him a ride, of course. As we drove to the course, I told him that our mutual friend asked me the other day, "What do you guys talk about?" We both laughed and he answered exactly the way I answered her. We talk about the same things we always talked about. We just don't expect nor feel obligated to get romantic. He says he only misses two things now: basketball and sex. Of course, I only miss the sex. I told him my toy has become my new best friend. Wink. Smile.
I am a human being after all, a female human being, and so, yeah, I've popped in a video when I have found myself completely alone in my house, which is a rare occurance. This particular video would be what the Ex and I used to call a "love story" as a code name. "Wanna watch a "love story" tonight?" one of us would hint. Watching alone is an interesting experience. It's all right, but it's still pretty frustrating to not be able to DO what you're watching. Then I wonder to myself...how can anyone CHOOSE to be celibate!
I have never exercised routinely or eaten right on a regular basis. But now I'm in a zone. I walk every day, I've lost a lot of weight and it shows in the reaction I get by guys who pass by. The guy in the truck this morning was a doozy. I swear he looked like a cartoon character...eyes all bulging, mouth hanging open with a toothy grin. The irony is: I'm in the Autumn of my life, look good, with no romance in sight. In the immortal words of Meatloaf: "All revved up with no place to go!"
I am struggling in the garden once again. I am in the midst of the biggest argument I have ever had with God. I don't want to do it. It's as simple as that. I want to just continue quietly along, get my degree, find a job in my chosen profession and, with some hope, find someone who will dig me as much as I dig them. I don't want to do what God wants me to do. I want to know why me? I'm not going to say anything anyone else hasn't already figured out! I think I'll pass.
I feel as though I am drowning with no lifeguard in sight. Motherhood is taking it's painful toll on me and I don't know how I'm going to make it out alive. I don't think I realized how truly alone I was going to be. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone the depths that motherhood has taken me and the thoughts I have had about my own children. Mother's are never supposed to wish their children had never been born!!! The worst part is that I know it's all my fault! I'm the one who should never have been born!!!
Well, this is interesting. I'm not surprised. I decide to take Missy on a little two-day overnighter vacation to California Adventure and Disneyland. So Mr. Ex calls and asks can he tag along for California Adventure since he's never been before and neither have we. Of course, it's fine with me. I said in the beginning that we should be able to do things together like movies or amusement parks because we remain friendly and it's good for her. Ironically, while everything else in my life seems to have turned to shit, our relationship is better than ever! Go figure.
The Tip Jar