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I wish I could understand people more. They confuse the HELL out of me. Why can't people just say what's on their mind? I fucking do. I can't seem to find anyone else who can do that. What is it that stops people from opening up? Fear of rejection? Fear of commitment? Fear of saying the wrong thing and sounding stupid? Fear that the other person isn't on the same wave length? Fear you'll get hurt in the long run? Fucking FEAR!!! I hate it!!! I wish people would stop being AFRAID!!! I'm not and I feel all fucking alone!!!
It seems that I have a new pen pal from a spiritual website. He sent a message wanting to thank me for giving him a "right on" for one of his posts. He seems really nice. He has some interesting thoughts about God and they gel with mine. It's always good to have someone to discuss such issues with. Lord knows I don't have many people in my circle of physical friends to discuss these matters with. Thank God for the internet where I can meet and correspond with like-minded individuals. And thank God for 100words where I cut loose!
I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry...I will not cry!!!
Well, on the one month anniversary of our meeting, I woke this morning to his snuggles in my bed. Now it's eleven PM and no word. Must not be good news. I'm sure he would have called me by now. He must be heading back to Arizona tomorrow. FUCK!!! Every time I think something is going right, something changes. When will things settle down? This is the most bizarre beginning of a relationship I've ever experienced. In one month, we've gone through a lot of shit and we haven't even said "I Love You". Ironically, the sex is fucking GREAT!!!
I must be freakin' outta my mind. What the heck was I thinking? I spent more money than I oughtta on candles and candle holders that will just clutter up my house. It's just more stuff that I don't need. My best friend hosted a candlelight party at her lovely home tonight. Why do we women do these silly things? Don't we know that there are children starving in the world while we're having our freakin' frilly foo-foo feel-good parties so we can eat munchies, drink wine, spend money and talk girl talk? My party's in a couple of weeks.
Smiling, laughing, talking, flying, singing, running, jumping, crying, hugging, smelling, touching, feeling, walking, seeing, tasting, clapping, thinking, trusting, wanting, needing, loving, knowing, living, hurting, bleeding, dieing. All animals can do some of these things, but most humans can do all of these things. Why can't we understand that about us? We are all the SAME yet DIFFERENT. It's divine dichotemy. The differences make the world an exciting place to live. When we open our eyes to what we have in common and work towards understanding our differences instead of pointing fingers, we can change the world in one feel swoop.
Happy Birthday, Mag-pie!!! I know it was on the 1st, but your party was today. I sure had a lot of fun!!! The bowling alley was way to cool and I so enjoyed hanging out with your Mom and Dad, laughing, bowling and drinking pitchers of beer together. You and your girlfriends were so cute. You are truly my favorite 12-year-old little girl. Nothing can brighten my day more than getting a great big hug from you. So, here's to you, my little sunshine...I love you as much as my own daughter. Kisses and hugs from me to you!!!
Message to his cell-phone: "Well, it's after 12:00 and I don't know if you're charging up your cell phone or what, but even so...I'm just down the street and you could just walk down and meet MY friends. I'm taking the girls to the mall to go to the movies. I don't know if you're trying to get me to break up with you, but you're doing a damn good job of it. Talk to ya later...bye". There is just no excuse for you're behavior over the past few days. It has been rude and inconsiderate. See ya!!!
Well, that's that. It's over. I knew it wasn't supposed to last but I sure thought it would last more than a measly month. I thought every thing was ok. All he had to do was be honest with me. But...NOOOOOO...he had to lead me on and make me think he was still interested in me. Now all of a sudden I'm being possessive??? I can do better. Besides, I have a feeling no-one is ever going to work out...and you'll haunt me forever. I'll never stop thinking about you...and I can't help it. Forgive me...
So I cried...a little. Trust me, you weren't worth more than 5 minutes of my tears. I sure didn't cry because I was in love you. Possessive my ASS!!! I deleted your phone numbers from my cell phone right after you hung up on me...how's THAT for possessive??? I thought you wanted to see me and I was simply making myself available to save you the trip. You say "I'll call you in the morning" and I wait around when I could have gone home and then you accuse ME of being POSSESSIVE!!! Give me a fucking break!!!
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...and how was your day???
"Hello?". "I owe you an apology..." "Yes, you certainly do..." And so the conversation begins. I really do HATE having to deal with real people sometimes. It gets too messy and complicated. I've got a scenario for you. You have a Fantasy Lover and a Reality Lover. Fantasy Lover is always considerate; well endowed in all the right places; the perfect weight and height; never accuses you of being possessive; is always there when you need him; doesn't have any flaws and doesn't see yours. He's, well, perfect. Enter Reality Lover....he's none of the above. Who would you choose?
Add Oregon to my walking states. After four orgasms in the hotel room, I decided to go for a walk. Being that the hotel was pretty much in the boonies with no paths and only had a treadmill in a cramped gym, I asked the front desk if there was somewhere I could walk outside. She sent me to another hotel down the street that had walking trails with access. So I hopped on over in the hotel van and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked...it was awesome!!!
Thank you God...thank you Neale...thank you Angels...I AM NOT ALONE!!! I have met my fellow Angels and they are AWESOME!!! Each of us having a unique and different experience all our own, and yet knowing that we are connected with the SAME divine guidance. Each of us have a different gift to bring to the table. Ani's area is spirituality/sexuality. Jason is battling the Reptillians with LOVE...gotta love Jason. David's was my favorite..."God's Dictionary"...a list of words turned into anograms that "define" each word!!! I was pissed that God didn't give me that one!
OK, so I forgave him. I have never held a grudge in my life and I'm not gonna start now. We are just getting to know each other and we had a misunderstanding due to lack of communication. Besides, when was the last time someone apologized to me? It seems I'm always the one apologizing. Not this time. I would NEVER have called him. So, when he called and his first words were "I owe you an apology"...he got my attention. I'm hoping to see him in a few weeks. How could I stay away from those kisses? Impossible!!!
While walking in Oregon, I found myself directly under the path of incoming flights to the Portland Airport. As Bush and Kerry were in Portland, the military were out in force. I had noticed F-16 fighter jets in the air earlier in the day, so I was delighted to see two of those very same jets headed my way. I positioned myself so that I was directly under the carriage. When the jets flew over, the sound vibrated through my body and I became one with the jet. The tornado afterwards had me screaming with delight. What an AWESOME experience!!!
"...the crazy lady that tried to beat me up tonight." cknuck...I had been growing a new respect for you lately. We've had some very thoughtful debates. I have to point out how saddened I was to see this. After my "spiritual" experience, I had to spend 3 days in a psychiatric unit when I was sane. I know now that God lead me there to witness their suffering. That happened 3 years ago. I'm writing a book about the experience. When my book publishes, I will promote better services for the mentally ill. Isn't that what Christ would do?
"Ruff...ruff...ruff...ruff," echoing from the sewer. What's this? A doggie in the sewer drain. I run home and deposit my dogs and immediately try to contact Animal Services. A recording...going on and on...not getting me anywhere. I frantically drive to the Animal Shelter only 5 minutes away because I decide I can get there faster than getting through on the phone. They're closed! I keep calling numbers until FINALLY I get a human on the phone. 45 minutes later, she emerges from the darkness. I am beaming with joy...I saved her. What a GREAT feeling!!!
I had already decided on Mary. Of course, this was nerdy to the cool teenager all of fourteen. "That is a stupid name," she declared. I protested that I thought it was a perfectly good name for her. As we walked into the shelter's office, the debate had ended...I had won...Mary was her name. On the counter was a flyer asking for donations to help pay for "Mary's" surgeries, a chocolate lab that had seen some tough days. I turned to my daughter and said, "Well...now what do you think of the name?" I love divine confirmation...
Monster. What a powerful movie. I wonder how many people watched that movie and felt compassion for Aileen Wuornos? It saddens me to think that anyone could watch that movie and not have compassion for her. How many of those who so piously insist "she got what she deserved" also level that same kind of judgement at the men who turned her into the Monster she became? She was redeemed when she took full responsibility for her actions and didn't turn on her friend, Selby. The moment of her death, she was welcomed into the arms of true unconditional love...
It has been a long night's journey for my soul. The way was so dark, so lonely sometimes. I longed for meaning in this world. I cried out for answers in the deepest, darkest nights. My soul was lost. Who am I? What am I doing here? Who are we? Why are we here? What does this all mean? Why can't I find the kind of love in this world that I give out? Unconditional, without want or need...just flowing freely. Then one day, the brightest, biggest star appeared and I knew instantly what that love felt like. Bliss.
I am living a surreal life. Everything is far from perfect, but I feel a peace and calmness I have never felt before. Last night was a perfect example of the person I've become. Eddie Money was playing at the Lake and I had already decided I was going whether I had to go alone or not. Then ex called and asked if I was planning on going. Of course, I told him he was welcome to share my blanket with me. He commented, "This was great...I didn't get in trouble for not putting my arm around you." I smiled at the beauty of it.
I have a date tonight. It's not your ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill date. It's not that other people haven't had the same kind of date. It's just that I've never had this kind of date. You see, he's in Tucsan and I'm in Mission Viejo. When he asked me if I was going to be home later, I knew what he had in mind. "When I call you later, be in your bedroom...take off all your clothes...". Oh my!!! This is going to be interesting. I'm actually a little nervous, but I guess phone sex is better than no sex!!!
When will I do it? Why can't I sit down and write? Why am I stuck? When will the dam break? When will the words flow? When will I be able to write with the eloquence and beauty as my fellow Angels? Will I ever? Will I always feel stuck with the words I want to convey? Is it that what I feel inside and the experience I had go so far beyond words I can't describe it? Will it ever get out or will it forever be trapped in my mind playing over and over like a broken record?
School days begin. My teenager's first day of High School. Brother in from Louisiana to work just a hop, skip and jump away from me. Got in at 2 a.m. Talked til 3. Got up at 6:45. Coffee, chit-chat, goodbye...see you soon. Drive careful. Missy...time to go. Let's go. We're running late. Cars, cars, cars...I hate first day of school. Then my class...cars, cars, cars...parking lot a nightmare...hustle to class. History of Film. Cool class. Short lecture...watch movie every Wednesday night...piece a cake. Home at 10:15. 100 words at 10:40. Nighty night.
Population. Sample. Parameter. Statistic. Variable. Data. Organize. Frequency Tables. Classes. Scores. Lower Class Limits. Upper Class Limits. Class Boundaries. Class Width. Categorical Frequency Table. Grouped Frequency Table. Class Midpoint. Cumulative Frequency Table. Relative Frequency Table. Histogram. Frequency Polygon Graph. Cumulative Frequency Graph aka. Ogive. Pareto Chart. Stem & Leaf Plot. Mean. Median. Mode. Ahhh...statistics. What a lovely class this will be. I am so looking forward to the first quiz in which all the aforementioned mumbo jumbo will be thrust at me, begging for confirmation that I do indeed GET IT!!! God help me stay awake for this class!!!
"When was the last time you were flying across the water at 80 mph with the moonlight dancing behind the wake?" he asked. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "NEVER!" Yep, this was a first. We were literally skimming the top of the water as the speed boat shot across the lake to the final destination...the Bridge and Roosevelt Dam. What an awesome place to park the boat. Of course jumping in the water, listening to kick-ass music on the kick-ass sound system while drinking beer and smoking pot with three men??? I was in Chick Heaven!!!
I have never had so much fun in my life!!! My arms are so sore I can hardly type 100 words. We spent the day on Roosevelt Lake in that fucking awesome boat and I got to do something I've never done before...be towed on an inflatable water toy. They wouldn't let me ride alone. "Pizza Boy"...the 20-year-old rode with me. I assume it was to protect me since I had never ridden before. What a fucking BLAST!!! I fell off twice and went down laughing all the way. I'm sure that "Pizza Boy" saved my life today!!!
What is it called when you don't practice what you preach? I am constantly advising others not to worry. Yet when the Prodigal Son is later than expected, that awful nagging feeling you get right in the pit of your stomach starts to rear it's ugly head. Anxiety. Then when you call the cell-phone of the friend he is with at midnight and you hear what sounds like crying then dial-tone, call back and get the answering service...well, anxiety becomes panic. Suddenly, he's home like it's no big deal...throws the "you shouldn't worry" back in your face..." Sheesh!!!
I'm having a very strange day. I can't shake wanting to just lay around like a slug all day. I admit, I'm a little depressed. On Friday I interviewed for a job and felt confident about it. She said she would let me know one way or the other. Now it's Monday and I was hoping to be starting a new job today. Yet, here I sit typing this 100 words, bored and wishing it would have been that easy. I would have found a job with little effort. All hope is not completely lost...I still may hear today.
I got the job!!! I can't believe it!!! Yes I can...no I can't!!! I got this job with extremely little effort on my part...but a profound faith and knowingness. I said when I set out on this journey that I'ld be working by the time school started. I wanted to enjoy the summer and not have to work while I could. I sent out a handful of resumes weeks ago and lost hope on getting anything. Then this out of the clear blue. I've been to my first two classes at school and I started work today...un-fucking-believable!!!
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