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He's not the one. I've tried to convince myself he is. I focus on all we have in common and it's a lot. I focus on how much fun I have with him and it's a lot. I focus on how great the sex is and it's a lot. I focus on how much alike we are and it's a lot. But it's not enough. There is something missing and all the focusing on the positive can't change it. I know who the one is. I know his name, where he lives and it will never be. Sucks...I know...
The number 50. Half a century. Half dollar. 50 cents. 50 Cent, the rapper. 50 cent cocktails got me in trouble. 50 is one half of 100 words. There are 50 states in the United States of America. The glass is half-empty at the 50 percent level or half-full at the 50 percent level depending on your state of mind at the time. 50 is the number that usually denotes us as over-the-hill if it happens to be the age at which we find ourselves. I happen to find 50 to be a very sexy number...Happy Birthday, Mr. Rogers!
Gems: "Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow!" "It's been so long since I've had sex, I have forgotten who ties up who." "Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down...are the ones who got you mad in the first place!" "Actually, you can have a healthy sex life well into your later years. Assuming you can stand the sight of people your age naked." "Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!"
I am such a fucking cheapskate!!! I don't mind being a cheapskate, but being cheap has caused to me do things I never thought I'ld ever do. I have now become a master assembler. If it says "Assembly Required", shove it over to me. No problem. Just give me a tool belt and some wacky tobacky and I'll put together a pedestal dinette table and four chairs…including the arrowbacks. I am the female equivalent of Tim the Toolman. I strut around going "Arr…arr" all day and grabbing my crotch. You didn‘t think it was reserved for men only, did you?.
Another month of 100 words. I am always eager each month to read my fellow writers' words. I look forward to reading what's on their minds. I look forward to some writers more than others. Mystical Leaf of Afro Zen mesmerizes me with tales of lands far away and a keen spiritual outlook. Congratulations to Bel who married. Dances is still staying strong, I see. Silly Me is hurting…wish I could give her a hug. Looks like we lost Second Coming…probably just as well…very dark stuff. Last but not least…Quanita who puts the X in seX! You go, girl!
Labor Day. Wow…I actually get to celebrate! I have been working all of 4 days and I get a holiday already. Whoopie!!! I have decided it should be renamed "Lazy" Day. After all, it is the one day of the year we can just tell LABOR to FUCK OFF!!! We use it as a national excuse to be LAZY!!! So, what did I do? I dragged my lazy ass to the pool and proceeded to party with my new friends, drink Corona, sing songs while the cantor played guitar, soaked up the sun and cooled off in the water!
If ever I need to feel needed, I go see my Beagles. If ever I need to feel wanted, I go see my Beagles. If ever I need to feel appreciated, I go see my Beagles. If ever I need to feel missed, I go see my Beagles. If ever I need unconditional, unadulterated, ecstatic love, I go see my Beagles. They say dogs are man's best friends. I beg to differ with that statement. I am a woman and I can think of no other friends so true. My beloved Beagles. Copper and Dixie. Mommy loves you too!!!
All my words…gone!!! Goddamn computer bugs making my computer act like it was possessed by the demons of cyberspace! So I decided to purchase and install a bigger, better version of Norton…fucking $70 worth! What did it do? Just fucked up my computer even more. So, I carefully moved my documents to a disc. I checked twice to make sure that they were on that disc. After the restoration to zap my computer back to it's original condition, I found the disc empty. My book? GONE! Class projects? GONE! 100 words? GONE! What a fucking pain in the ass!!!
It's bad enough I have to live without talking with someone I consider to be an extremely close friend. It's bad enough that I have to live with just the occasional e-mail from time to time, usually instigated by me. But what I can't seem to grasp is that now it seems I have to live without your 100 words a day!!! Are you trying to torture me or something? I know you have a lot going on in your life, but I'm only asking for 100 words a day…that's all. I can live without everything but your WORDS!!!
Friday. It was a very good day. When you're unemployed, every day is Friday. It was wonderful to actually experience what it's like to say, "Ahhhh, it's Friday," when you rise on that last day of the work week. The day is always cheerful because no matter what happens, when the whistle blows, you're off for weekend adventures. There's a kind of magic in the air on Fridays. There's a skip in your step on Fridays. There's a kind of joy you experience on Friday while employed that you just don't experience in any other way. I like Fridays.
September 11. 44 years ago, a man was born. A good man. A decent man. A kind man. A man who would be my man for 17 years. A man who has become a valued friend and ex-husband. A man who is off to Las Vegas today with one of his best friends, and mine, for a weekend of debauchery and mayhem. Strip clubs, drinking, gambling and watching FOOTBALLLLLLL, will rule the day. My gift to him? A ride to the airport and a quip upon leaving…"Have the papers been filed yet?" "No." "I get half the winnings! Hahahahahahaha…"
The relationship with Phoenix has heated up a notch. The e-mails have started. Oh, this is going to be delicious. I sent out the first one and teased just a bit. This was my reply, I shit you not, "I looooove to eat FISH!" I nearly rolled off my chair!!! Priceless! So naturally I sent back a rather naughty reply. Yeah…this is going to be fun. What is it about that man that just draws me like a moth to a flame? He has faults, but I see a sparkle in him that I don't' see in many adults.
Yesterday, I was trimming the palm trees in the back yard when Married Pool Guy's wife walked up to the kitchen window and asked was I coming to the pool. Hubby was cooking chicken and they were all waiting for me. What could I say? So, I go on over and take a bundt cake I happen to have. It was a great afternoon and then something strange happened. I saw it coming. Hubby pretty much asked if I wanted to get down and dirty with him and his wife!!! Has someone traded lives with me when I wasn't looking?
There is one major problem since my life got back to "I must rise and get ready for work and school." I am having a difficult time getting my walks in every day. I am beginning to feel rounder and softer and my energy level is falling. I'm finding it harder to get up in the morning. I must get back to my routine!!! I must stop eating bread, pasta, sugar…any white food, for Christ's sake!!! I must walk or exercise every day!!! I must refrain from alcohol except for weekends!!! Ah, fuck it and pass me a donut!!!
My first payday. What a great feeling of accomplishment. I have spent a little over two weeks on my new job and I couldn't be happier. It feels good when someone hands you money for doing something for them. I wish my son could grasp the satisfaction in that. Then, we spend the money we receive and others make money to spend and so on. It's all a cycle. Everything runs in a cycle. But it is most joyful when you really like what you're doing, who your working with, the company benefits are good and the drive is sweet!
I love the sound of your voice when you say those nasty little things to me over the phone; things I can't repeat here without blushing profusely; things that are for my ears only; things that make my toes curl; things that make me go weak in the knees; things that give me a warm feeling starting between my legs that spreads to my head and gives me a head rush; things that would be considered pornographic under all other circumstances except that when you say them to me, they don't sound pornographic, they sound like your passion for me.
As she walked past the glass doors that lead to her back patio, she spied a naked man sitting on the porch swing. He was grinning a most devilish grin, teeth beaming in the light from the street lamps. "Why don't you join me?" he sneered. "But people can see over my back wall as they walk by," she protested. "So?" he replied. How absolutely wicked, she thought, the idea of getting caught stirring in her an excitement she'ld never experienced before. They chatted quietly as they sat at the patio table in the buff and nobody ever walked by.
Siblings. Why is it that we bite our tongues with friends, co-workers, strangers in the street, but with family members we are so quick to say whatever we want to them no matter how rude, or mean, or cruel, or just downright wrong it is to state that opinion? The last time I saw my brother, he walked out of the house after I became upset and offended at his opinion and attitude about my college education and chosen future profession. Now, we're going out to dinner together, he and his girlfriend with me and Phoenix. Family wounds heal fast.
Floating, drifting, lost in the choices that are thrust at us everyday. Always worrying about whether we're making the right choice, whether we are choosing the right path, whether we are following the right signs, whether our choice will hurt us or someone else in the future. When you really stop to think about it, how do any of us make it out of this with our sanity in tact? Or are we completely insane and sanity is just an illusion? Sometimes the knowingness is so thick, I have no doubts at all. Other times, I'm just plain confused. Help…
My weekend went like this: Pick up Phoenix at the airport Friday afternoon. Dinner at my favorite Mexican dive on the patio with a magnificent view of the canyon. Back to my place for an evening that I'll never forget. No details, please, I'm a lady. Then, Saturday on the lake with beer, sandwiches, chips and riding a seadoo all day long. Saturday night, a double date dinner at my local watering hole for a great meal, drinks, music and conversation. Sunday, swimming and Jacuzzi, backyard BBQ steaks and the works. Why can't all of my weekends be like that?
WARNING: Hazardous to your health! While driving, refrain from comical situations. Do not say anything funny. Do not point out anything funny. Sit stone faced and keep your gaze straight ahead. To do otherwise could get you killed. Laughing hysterically while driving can cause your eyes to flood with tears to the point of not being able to see and therefore more likely to cause an accident. If this occurs, do not start laughing harder because you can't see to drive. Absolutely DO NOT refer to event that started it all in the first place. If laughing continues, pull over!!!
The last thing I ever want to do on this earth is hurt someone. Of course, as a natural fact of life, I have. I'm not proud of it. It happens. I can say I've never deliberately hurt anyone. The pain I've caused others is the aftereffect of moments when I lost my balance and fell down, moments when I let my ego take control and lost sight of my heart. Consciously, I could never hurt anyone. I would rather suffer the pain myself than inflict it on someone else. Who do I think I am anyway…Jesus Fucking Christ?!?!?
Un-con-di-tion-al: not limited in any way. I have heard many times that God's love is unconditional. I would define that as meaning there is no condition one has to meet in order to receive unconditional love from God. Yet many Christians will say this and then say that you have to accept Jesus as His son and swallow the whole Bible as literal truth in order to receive God's love. I say, "What's up with that? Then it's not unconditional?" "God loves you unconditionally, but if you don't follow God's rules, you go to Hell." You call that unconditional love?
Well, Universe…it looks like you're finally playing my game! It sure took you long enough! My job came through and it's great! A place I can stay for a long time. A place where I'll have the benefits I need since I'm on my own now. A place where I can continue my education at college. And then, lo and behold, you got my two best buddies jobs too! And my Phoenix buddy got the job in California and he's moving to his brother's just over the mountain. Again, forgive my impatience…you have my humble thanks and gratitude!
Life is so full of surprises! A few years ago, an old friend from back home spent her sixteenth wedding anniversary with me because she was separated from her husband. Three months later, I learned that he had taken a gun and shot himself in front of their three-year-old son. I believe I have helped her forgive herself, because there is nothing to forgive. It was not her fault. Now she's dating the old boyfriend she had when we were running together. We're meeting in Vegas and I can't wait to see them! What a fucking great time we'll have!!!
As I sit typing this 100words entry, I am crying. Why can't I ever see that movie without crying? Why does it affect me so? It has affected me this way since the first time I saw it. I can't help but stop when I'm flipping through the channels. What about this movie causes me to lose all control and bawl like a baby? Is it the love they shared that could never be? Is it because she made the honorable choice at the sacrifice of her own happiness? When will I be able to watch "Bridges" without crying uncontrollably???
Mondays. Going back to work brought Fridays back into my life and I welcomed them affectionately. I had so missed my Fridays. Mondays are a whole other ball of wax. Mondays suck. Nobody wants to get up on Mondays after a weekend of either fun-filled adventure or just plain lazy ass activity. After enjoying the freedom of Saturdays and Sundays, Mondays mean going back to the bosses, the time clocks and time that is not your own. Mondays mean back to the world of slavery. We are free and we are not free. Mondays are always there to remind us.
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fuck! Fuck!! FUCK!!! why? Why?? WHY?? After I thanked you and asked you to forgive my impatience!!! Well, FUCK YOU, and the horse you rode in on!!! I can't begin to describe the sheer agony you've been putting me through lately!!! Every goddamn time things are going swell and I think everything is falling into place, you throw a wallop at me!!! I felt like someone hit me in the gut this morning when Phoenix called to say his job fell through. Why does life always have to be like a roller coaster? Oh…I like roller coasters. Fucking Asshole…
They say every dark cloud has a silver lining. That may be true, but most of the time you are not in a position to see it. Life seems to imitate Nature‘s art, don't you think? The clouds are the low, dark times in our lives when it seems nothing is going right. The clouds are so heavy, the silver linings are literally too far off to see. Sometimes you retreat indoors, both physically and mentally, and you are cut off from the silver linings. Today, I saw the most beautiful silver lining in the threatening sky. Hope springs eternal.
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