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I feel humiliated, sad, angry, frustrated, perplexed, misunderstood, lonely, insecure, down about myself, hurt, embarrassed, low, bad, unhappy, confused, baffled, depressed times infinity!!! It is absolutely, 100% over with Phoenix! He hurt me bad and I knew he would. In fact, I knew that because it always happens. That's why I feel so bad now. I really don't think anyone is ever going to keep digging me. They either get scared off because they don't want to commit or they are already committed…it's the freakin' story of my life. I should know better by now, ya think?
I am love. That is all that I am. I am nothing without it. I live love. I breathe love. I speak love. I act love. I give love. I receive love. I create love. I embrace love. I adore love. I want love. I need love. I have love. I cherish love. I see love. I believe in love. I bask in the glow of love. I wallow in the depths of love. Love is my guide. Love is my anchor. Love is my refuge. Love is my strength. Love is the core of my existence. I am love.
I was feeling low about myself and I didn't know where I would find the strength to pick myself up again and say "FUCK HIM!!!" Then I read Quanita's October entries. YOU ROCK!!! You helped me come back out of that stupid Hell I had immersed myself in and discover the Goddess in me again. Your words inspired me, rejuvenated me and fucking turned me on, girl!!! You are an inspiration to me. Thanks for being my divine guidance today. I am in control. I didn't want him anyway. And his dick was way too small!!! I can do better!
Do I always have to be nice? OK. I admit it. I can get mean sometimes. I have wished bad things on relatively good people due to my perceptions at the time. It is a human reaction. Soooooooo: I hope Phoenix has a lousy time this weekend! I hope he freezes his butt off every night wishing I was there to snuggle with! I hope he's miserable the whole time!!! Whewww! Now that I have that out of my system, I only wish him the best. It was as much my fault things didn't work out as his. Peace out.
She is relegated once again to the bar stool at the local tavern. She listens to the singer strum his guitar, a soothing salve to the fresh wounds on her heart. She listens and wonders when someone will kiss her lips again. She wonders when someone will caress her skin again. She wonders when someone will tell her that she's beautiful again. She wonders when will she experience that feeling of uninhibited passion again. She listens to the singer's love songs and thinks, "What a crock of shit!" It is quite obvious to her that life does not imitate art.
I already knew the outcome. My intuition had told me the results, but I wanted to hold onto some hope that I was wrong. I wanted so desperately to be wrong. I wanted to think that the citizens of this great country would be able to see that what they are proposing and striving for is no different than their sworn enemy! They will inevitably destroy one another. The only hope I have now is that I believe those who are "left behind" will create a new world…a world without hate and division. A world of love and peace.
A miracle has occurred! I was saying to Ex that the Prodigal Son was doing well and had just received his first real full time paycheck with salary increase. Then Prodigal Son tells me that he ran into Stepdad at a restaurant over the hill having dinner with my best friend and her husband. An unbelievable coincidence! Stepdad walked over, handed Prodigal Son forty bucks and says, "That's for…whatever." My heart is filled with joy. Prodigal Son's heart is filled with joy. He doesn't hate my son and that means more to us than he will ever know…
Why can't you just turn off your thoughts? Wouldn't it be nice to be able to just turn the volume down like you do with the TV or stereo. If you don't want to hear something, you can just turn it off. At least that's how it works in the physical world. But in the world of the mind, which is without a physical shape or controlled in the physical realm, it is a world unto it's own self and will continue to plague you with thoughts manifested into words, evolving into feelings and emotions until you're ready to scream!!!
She saw the promise of a homestead all her own. She found hope in the professionals who urged her to "go for it." To all those who say, "Mobile Home?" or, God forbid, "Trailor," she has this to say: "I'm not a snob. Today's "manufactured homes" are as beautiful as any home I've seen. I don't have to live in a mansion to be happy. Having a little house on a hill with a view of the lake from my front porch and a view of the canyon behind me…well, that'll soot me just fine, thank you very much!"
He comes to me in the far corners of my mind. His voice whispers in my ear all the words I have longed to hear. I am his and he is mine. His breath is like honeysuckle on the breeze and his eyes sparkle like the stars at night. His voice floats in the air like a soft melody. He takes me into his arms and kisses me and I melt away like snow on a warm, winter day. This is my dream. This is my hope and no-one can take it away from me. It will happen. It will.
He goes by many names, but by any name he would still be a hottie. I work with him and he gets over 80% of the calls that come in. They ask for Dan, Garrett, Garrell, Darrell, Dennis, Dean. It's gotten to be quite the joke. I'll buzz his office and say, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn…line one," giggle and hang up. His smile lights up his face and he smiles at me a lot! I think he's got a girlfriend, so I just have to bide my time. Circling him like my next prey…a hawk going in the for the kill.
Peterson GUILTY!!! I have no doubt in my mind that he is indeed guilty. Our legal justice system did it's job in trying and convicting a guilty person. That said, I do not in any way feel personal judgment or anger at him for his crime. My feelings about him are strictly disjointed. My feelings stem from being a member of society, not my personal feelings. I do not understand the need for strangers to stand outside the courtroom and pump their fists in the air and yell, "Yeah!!!" The enthusiasm they exhibit in their bloodlust is disturbing to me.
In the last few months, I have been propositioned by a married man at the pool, had two one-night stands. The first one was to prove a point to myself and the second was strictly for the pleasure of it. I've had a passionate short-lived romance with Phoenix, our affair reflecting the fireworks from the day we met…starting with a bang, ending in a fizzle. Tonight, Taco Mesa was hitting on me yet again as I was on my way to enjoy the Musician sing. When I got in the car, the radio was blaring, "It's Rainin' Men, Hallelujah!"
My weekends are starting to get dull and boring. I can't get motivated to do anything but what absolutely has to be done like homework and housework. I watch TV more than I used to. I listen to music and nap and fantasize my hours away, sometimes crying, sometimes not. I wish I could make myself write down my thoughts more. I wish I could make myself write more than just this dribble. This is just random dribble. I have such deep thoughts inside me and I can't seem to get them on paper!!! Maybe it‘s not meant to be!
Life is full of surprises. I've done things I never dreamed I would do in the past few months. I have had some wild adventures, sexual and otherwise, and it looks like the adventures will continue. I am considering sexual rendezvous with a delicious looking 32-year-old married man who was completely open and honest about it up front. Says his wife knows. Says she enjoys herself on the side too. I'm tempted, I‘ll be honest about that. Says he can be my boy toy. Liked my picture on Yahoo personals and decided to chat with me. Oh, I'm so baaaaaaddddd!!!
Wine is divine. Wine is fine. Wine can help you unwind after a hard day towing the line. When you want to dine, add a fine wine. Dining will be sublime and bells will chime, when you have wine. The wine is mine and you can't have my wine. What do you think your doing? Hey!!! Get your damn hands off my wine!!! Hey, I was talking about my wine…dude…and you took it…that wasn't very nice to take my wine…man come on…give me a break! OK…wine is not so fine, after all. (former/current wino)
My life doesn't feel solid lately. It feels fuzzy and I can't seem to focus. Too much happening, not enough happening. I just feel a little listless since I'm alone again. I was so busy and having so much fun and being with the same person on a regular basis was comfortable. I just don't feel comfortable now. I can't wait until things settle again. There are times when being single and having choices feels exciting, and then there are times when it sucks! Truth be told, I did like the way things were. Why do things have to change?
I have just encountered an exquisite experience I will be smiling about for some time to come, I suspect. I just spent an hour with Yahoo! My new boy toy. My new married boy toy. The sweetest thing I've ever seen. Where is my sense of shame? Where is my sense of guilt? I have none. I never expect him to leave his wife or baby. He has no intention of it either. He is my lover until the occupancy is filled by a significant other for me. We are in agreement. He is delicious! Oh, how wicked I've become.
Phoenix, move over…there's a new sheriff in town and his name is Yahoo! Well, let me tell ya somethin', buddy…he's 32 and you're 50...uhhhh…you do the math! He doesn't want strings on me any more than I want strings on him. I will pursue my ‘ain true love while my new boy toy satisfies my wildest desires to no ill effect on either side. We could have had a similar situation. Sorry, you lose, friend. Yahoo and I have been up front from the very beginning…sometimes honesty is the best policy. You should try it!
I found myself in Payton Place again and Phoenix was home. What to do? Should I act like he's not there when I'm just two doors down and he knows that I know that he knows I'm there? Do I just ignore him? No…I go down to the corner store, buy a six-pack of Miller Genuine Draft and go over and offer to share some beer with my old friends. When he saw me he smiled and hugged me. We chatted for a bit and everything was friendly. I don't understand why he doesn't want to see me anymore.
As I was driving to the old neighborhood for my walk, I was mesmerized by a breathtaking scene this morning. The local mountains were dusted with new fallen snow. A white mist hung in the air surrounding the peaks. We had a very cold rain during the night. We expect to see snow on the San Bernardino mountain range, but to see snow atop our Santa Ana and Santa Margarita mountain is a rare experience. What a beautiful sight. People honked at me for stopping. I didn't care. I'll never understand how humans can be so blind to such beauty!
The PMS Blues: I'm fucking starting to feel "weepy" again. Am I ever going to accept that Phoenix is not going to suddenly change his mind? Although, he did a fine job of changing it about the way he felt about me once already. Maybe I hold onto the hope that he will change his mind again. Maybe he misses me. Maybe he wants to talk to me and is just chicken. Fuck that!!! He would have called by now. I have got to muster up all the Goddess power in me to combat this evil thing called "missing" someone.
Heaven is a place on earth. Heaven is a figment of your imagination. Heaven is where everyone lives forever…over and over again. Heaven is inside and outside of you. Heaven is what you make it. Heaven is everything you ever dreamed of or hoped for. Everyone is welcome in Heaven and no-one has to feel ashamed. Heaven is a state of mind and a physical state of being. Heaven is wonderful and awful and everything in between. I love Heaven. I wouldn't live anywhere else. Why would you? Everything you ever dreamed of you can have, here in Heaven.
Oh Happy Day! Everyone in a festive mood at work. Boss Lady says we're gone at one o'clock! I get paid for the whole day, Thanksgiving Day and Friday after. I am so thankful this year for my job. Have I gushed enough about it? I could gush some more. We were all standing around laughing and joking waiting for the clock to strike the bewitching hour when Boss Lady calls. It's five minutes til. Do I answer? Sure I do, with my cheerful self. We all said Happy Thanksgiving to her and left for our holiday. Life is good!
I'm still good for something to my Ex. He asks me the other day, "Can you do me a favor?" "Sure," I say. "Would you mind getting Mom's birthday present and the bro and I will pay for it? You can put your name on it too." "No problem," I say. "I have shopped for your mother's birthday present for 18 years now…" Her birthday is the 25th. Every few years it falls on Thanksgiving Day. This is one of those years. I found a candle with a ceramic lamp shade and saucer in a Christmas theme. Happy Birthday, Mom!
It's the day after Turkey Day. I am in a haze. I have overdosed on wine, turkey, mashed potatoes, wine, dressing, ham, wine, corn chowder casserole, deviled eggs, wine, pumpkin pie, chips and dip, wine, and football! I know I gained way too much weight. At least I've got my walks with four days off in a row. I'll have to really watch out now. They say eating a meal like that can trigger you right back to your old ways. I will have to muster up all the willpower in the universe to reverse the effects of Turkey Day!
George Bailey and Mary Hatch. Bailey's Building and Loan. Bedford Falls. "Buffalo Gals Won't You Come Out Tonight". George Lassos the Moon. There's a run at the bank. Honeymoon on a rainy night in an old abandoned house. Harry goes to war. Christmas Eve. Uncle Billy loses money. George is desperate. Snowing on the bridge. Clarence, Angel Second Class. George has never been born. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. "I want to live again." Zuzu's petals. Hello Bedford Falls. It's a miracle. Remember, no man is a failure who has friends. It's a wonderful life!
For all my tough talk about Yahoo and Phoenix, I knew as I typed every word of it that I wasn't being honest with you or myself. That's how my honesty always gets me in trouble. I once told someone that I may lie to you, but I'll always tell you when I'm lying…now, that makes me honest. I'm not so tough after all. I miss Phoenix like nobody's business and I knew Yahoo was a one-time thing. My ego spouts all kinds of shit, then my heart springs into action and shines the light on the wicked lie.
I am through with the Yahoo personals! I have not been happy with any feedback I have gotten from any of the hits I have received. The only guys interested are dorks, nerds, lonely hearts, possessive freaks, young guys looking for older babes, (please, I mean no offense to anyone meeting that description, it's just that none of you is my type or what I'm looking for.) I have found that no matter how good you hit it off chatting online or on the phone, I have not felt chemistry yet! I think I'll just lay low for a while.
As I look back over the months of entries I have written, something leapt out and struck me right between the eyes. Everything changes. Everything is constantly in a state of change. I have come to know myself quite intimately while spilling my inner-most thoughts here, in this forum. I am a mix of emotions, personas, moods and life changes. One day I am a Goddess of the Highest Order, ready to wield my bodacious bod at the next available sailor. The next day, I am crumpled, lying on the floor, broken and sad. Fuck!!! What is up with that????
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