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BY thefish

12/01 Direct Link
I'm writing this today, but this is not the today you might think it is. It is the today that is five days later than this today. I'm running behind, you see. I couldn't think of anything to write on the first and now I am writing this five days later, and I still don't have anything to write. I guess I could write that today is today, considering that time does not exist and the days and months and years of the calendar are constructs made by man. Every day is the same day, so today is today…huh?
12/02 Direct Link
This is the December 2 entry. I am writing this on the 6th. These feelings reflect where I am now, and not then. The then, being December 2, before Phoenix's phone call. I am writing this after the call. I am in such a state of confusion, I don't know what to do! He acts like he really, really likes me. He does the sweetest things for me! He has kissed me in an elevator, wiped barbeque sauce off my mouth at the fair, and brings me coffee in the morning while I‘m still lounging in bed. Yet no relationship???
12/03 Direct Link
He called. A day doesn't go by that he doesn't think about me. He thinks about me all the time. He didn't mean to hurt me. He is in a state of confusion and having some sort of mid-life crisis. His job may run out and he'll be looking for work again at the ripe old age of 50. He lives with his brother, even though he has a house in Arizona. He's not settled and is very mad at himself that he's not more financially secure and settled now that he's met me. Can't we be friends without expectations?
12/04 Direct Link
On this day, in the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and thirty, a child was born. And they called her Gloria, for was a glorious creature. She gave birth to another female in the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and sixty. And they called her Mona, for she was noble and a one-of-a-kind, single, solitary character. In the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and ninety, another child was born. Another female. And they called her Melissa, for she was as sweet as the honey from a honey bee. Three Goddesses…thirty years apart…the power of three.
12/05 Direct Link
Phoenix greeted me with a smile and hug. Everything was like it used to be with one obvious difference. We acted like pals instead of lovers. There was no touching, kissing or talk of what used to happen when we got together. We played poker, laughed, high-fived each other, drank, smoked and had an all around great time. When it was time for bed, I changed into my silky pajamas in the bathroom. When I arrived in the bedroom, I noticed that my side of the bed was turned down. How can I not fall in love with this man???
12/06 Direct Link
Note to Self: Never get involved in the internet personals again! I have had some not very pleasant experiences thus far, and have come to the conclusion that it is decidedly not my game. I have dodged a nerd of a man, who was becoming far too possessive in the very short time we corresponded. I have been called a stupid arse (sic) bitch by a man I told lived too far away from me. Now I have been called an attention whore and bitch by a man I came close to meeting! Thank you for sparing me that one!!!
12/07 Direct Link
He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? He loves me? He loves me not? Stay tuned!!!
12/08 Direct Link
The gang at work have all agreed to a most wonderful idea for the gift exchange this year. Instead of drawing names, we are going to fill a box with goodies and send it to the families of servicemen/women not home for the holidays. I knew this was a good group of people, now this! No-one was put off by the idea. Everyone liked it! Besides, I don't need to draw no stinkin' name to do something for others…Santa Fish has quite a long list of recipients for her Christmas cheer this year...despite the divorce!!! Ho Ho Ho!!!
12/09 Direct Link
I guarantee, I will be eating alone Saturday night. I called Phoenix to find out if the golf coupon had an expiration date. It did. I didn't want to miss out on the deal (it was a GREAT deal) and wanted to know if we could plan it. So, we did. He said he couldn't do it this weekend…couldn't afford it. I told him I was in the same boat. I asked him if he would he like to come over for dinner and a movie. Won‘t cost him anything. He acted like he wanted to. He won't come.
12/10 Direct Link
She and her lovely family had just celebrated their Hanukkah observance. She had her lovely nine-year-old daughter with her. Of course, my Christian upbringing as opposed to her Jewish upbringing stimulated conversation. She confided in me that her daughter had been told that she was not going to "Heaven" and was going to "Hell." I looked into her beautiful, dark eyes and said "That is not true, and that comes from a Christian." The look on her face was all that I needed to know that I was right. Shame on those that tell such awful lies to innocent children.
12/11 Direct Link
Karma: Part I: The prodigal son and I set out for our Christmas tree on this beautiful Saturday! The ex had graciously agreed to loan me the "truck" for this momentous occasion. What's that? Will I pick up a tree for you and bro? Why, of course I will, the grinch in me said with a smile. We gleefully searched for an ugly tree. "This one will do," we declared, thinking it to be a very Charlie Brown tree. As we hunted for our‘s, we were getting tired and cranky. We looked at two and declared the second one "it"!
12/12 Direct Link
Karma: Part II: Upon entering the old homestead, I noticed the tree. Very tall and shapely. "Your tree is nicer than my tree!" I couldn't believe it! I chose the Noble fir while they decided on the less expensive Douglas fir. Their tree was far more beautiful than my tree! I worked on my tree all Saturday night all alone and attempted to beautify the misshapen horror! Then I remembered, my tree was the same price as the cheaper one through an error on the cashier's part. My good deed was rewarded while my evil intentions were also dutifully rewarded.
12/13 Direct Link
What do I see in him? Why am I giving him another chance to hurt me? And he will. I know it. Why can't I just go with the flow and not expect more? Why can't he just stop calling me and leave me alone? I know it runs deeper than the sex. He hasn't acted like a man who's only interested in using a woman. He says one thing, then contradicts it and acts like a man smitten, then doesn‘t want it to go further. Hot and cold. Why do I keep going back? He's not even all that!!!
12/14 Direct Link
I see her soul. It is a good soul. It is a kind soul. She doesn't see it. She isn't worthy to be called an angel, she thinks. An angel she is, nonetheless. She is my confidant at work and I spring to her defense like a mother tiger defending her young. Ironically, she is old enough to be my mother. Yet, at times I feel like the mother tending to a child. Her glory days are over and she loves to listen to my romantic adventures, living vicariously through me. What a divine gift we are to each other!
12/15 Direct Link
"Rear Window". Damn it! The one class I missed showing a movie that I have seen before and like starring one of my favorite actors, Jimmy Stewart, was all over that exam!!! How many questions did she ask? Who was Lonely Hearts going out with? Who was married to the sailor? Did the detective shoot the suspect in the window? What was Lisa carrying when she exited the apartment? Fuck!!! I don't know!!! I didn't watch the movie and thought I could wing it! So I caught an 89 on my exam. I still got an A in the class.
12/16 Direct Link
Tonight the bell tolls for statistics. The final curtain has come down and my brain will no longer be twisted like a pretzel into a vice grip of formulas, symbols, probabilities, null hypothesis testing, z-scores, p-values, populations, proportions, confidence intervals, variances, standard deviations, t-tests, small samples, large samples, degrees of freedom…for the love of GOD!!! I have never had a class that has challenged me as much as this one has. Tonight, final exam has come and gone. A or not, I'm as happy as a pig in slop right now!!! My brain feels like it can breathe again!
12/17 Direct Link
I was the last to arrive. I was running late. Not that late considering the invitation stated 7:00 p.m. I arrived at 7:00 p.m. Though Mr. Camp announced that Boss Lady suggested arriving closer to 6:30, I assumed I wouldn't be the only late arrival. Yet, there I was, the last employee. It made for a spectacular entrance. I am the newest babe at the company, and I suppose it was divinely inspired that I be the last one. All went well and I had a fabulous time! And I didn't end up with a lamp shade on my head!
12/18 Direct Link
The joke was on me. He comes out to my car and states, "I need your help!" "Yeah?" I say. "My boss has never golfed before and I need you to help me out with him. Give him some pointers. You know more about golf than I do." My first thought was relief. I don't have to worry about embarrassing him in front of his boss. My second thought was getting through 18 holes with someone who has never golfed. By the third hole, I was let in on the joke. Needless to say, I kept up with the boys!!!
12/19 Direct Link
Well, that's just about the most selfish thing you could have ever done. Everyone's going to Laughlin for New Year‘s, people I consider my friends because of YOU and I'm not invited because of YOU! So you want to be alone, hey??? Well, guess what??? You can fucking be alone!!! I can't believe you have the nerve to say you didn't think I would be hurt to not be invited!!! Where have you fucking been??? You knew how I felt and you called me friend. So, all your friends will be there but me…and all I ask is WHY?????????????
12/20 Direct Link
Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! Goddamnit! Sonofabitch! He hurt me again…for the last time!!!!!!
12/21 Direct Link
The ecstasy of sweet revenge. My revenge is for me, without want or need of letting the other party know that I got revenge. It is mine, all mine. In this forum, I offer up this revenge to purge my soul and cleanse me for my malice of forethought. Today, I got laid by Yahoo! Oh, what a sublime, erotic encounter it was. I wore heals throughout the entire encounter. He makes me wonder how in the Universe I could imagine Phoenix was a better lover. And I know he won't diss me New Year's…guaranteed, he has other plans.
12/22 Direct Link
That e-mail will put the nail in the coffin of this "relationship" once and for all. I pointed out that he was not who he pretended to be. He said he was a generous, kind, considerate person and his ex-girlfriends had taken advantage of him because of his generosity. Then I listed all the money I've spent seeing him compared to what he has spent. Pitiful. I pointed out that it was all from my heart. If he was that person, he would have invited me to Laughlin. That's what a kind, generous, considerate person would do, is it not?
12/23 Direct Link
Oh, and if you were feeling guilty (and if you are not, then you are a poorer excuse for a human being than I found out that you are), I decided to let you off the hook. On New Year's Eve, I won't be home crying my eyes out because I'm not in Laughlin partying with all my friends on THE party night of the year. I'm going to go out and find the hunkiest man I can find, with the biggest dick and I'm going to fuck his brains out all night long. And it won't be the first time…
12/24 Direct Link
Christmas Eve finds me visiting the homes of not one, but two ex in-laws' homes from two failed marriages. I don't consider them failed marriages as much as I consider them successful friendships. Otherwise, why would I be invited? Perhaps it's the fact that I am the mother of their grandchildren, but I like to think it's because I don't burn bridges and they still like me. (They do) When ex #1 spotted me, I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his gray head. (Eat your heart out, buddy.) And then his little brother hit on me!
12/25 Direct Link
Christmas Day. Weird day, today. First, I spent a restless Christmas Eve on my cushy red couch. The glow from the fire and tree warmed the room with the season's ambiance. I began the day feeling rather displaced and sad. For the first time, I woke Christmas day without Missy at home. Daddy deposited her shortly. I couldn't help but feel a little sad about my romantic situation. No hubby, no boyfriend. And then of all people to wish me a Merry Christmas…Yahoo popped up on my computer. My married lover made the time for me today…go figure!!!
12/26 Direct Link
She didn't know where I was taking her. She only knew that the five plastic gold coins she had received on Christmas morning were to be exchanged for $20 bills at our final destination. The drive over the mountain highway was beautiful. After depositing Missy at Best Friend's house, we went on further down the highway. Upon our arrival, she had gotten it! The money was for gambling at the Casino on the Indian Reservation! She played the slots while I played blackjack! She didn't gamble all the money away. She had a blast! So did I! Merry Christmas, Mother!
12/27 Direct Link
Now it's time to pray! One of our own was in Thailand for the holidays and now we don't know if he's ok or not. Unbelievable!!! Of all the places on earth he went for Christmas, it was Thailand! Dillon, Dennis, Garrell, Garrett, Darrell, etc. could possibly be missing or dead. We just haven't heard anything yet! I will keep only good thoughts and positive vibes in my heart and mind. We couldn't get along without him! How could we get through the day without his 1,000 watt smile and dry sense of humor? OK, Universe, please make him safe!!!
12/28 Direct Link
The number of dead is growing every day. Still no word on our friend and co-worker. This is crazy! I can't for one minute believe that he is dead! I just won't believe it. And my dear, sweet office buddy is losing her grand-son. The transplant didn't go well and he was taken off life support on Christmas day. She won't be in this week. Boss Lady and I told her to go home. She's kicking me out at noon to spend time with my mother. I love this job! How many times can I say it? 100 times infinity!
12/29 Direct Link
Calm. That's what it feels like. It feels exquisite. Imagine, just relaxing and not caring what happens next? If you are indeed dying, you don't care. It spreads from somewhere that I don't for one second believe is physical. I don't necessarily believe it's supernatural either. I simply believe it is the spirit, spreading calm and relaxing you so that you are not frightened. Then it happens. I came back…for now, at least. I don't know what happens if you don't, but I know it's not bad. I just know it. There was no fear in the final seconds.
12/30 Direct Link
We heard by e-mail today that our technician of assorted names, with the 1000 watt smile and quiet sense of humor, is alive and well and in Bangkok. His hotel was destroyed, his friends are hospitalized and he wants to come home. In remembrance of his ordeal, I sent an e-mail to the president: Dear Mr. President, Please consider canceling the inauguration and showing the world that the United States of America cares more about people than pomp and circumstance. Add the funds saved to the relief fund. It is the Christian thing to do. Peace, (my name) thefish <'{{><
12/31 Direct Link
2004 in 100 words: Overweight, frumpy, housewife, loveless marriage, depressed, lost, afraid, birthday, angel, hope, revelations, diet, exercise, strong, independent, sexy, divorce, new home, new life, school, great job, fireworks, Phoenix, break-up, make-up, Las Vegas, old friends, bad girl, summer water sports, sexcapades, Portland, messengers, heartbroken, personal ads, Yahoo, poker night, together, happy, content, not invited, mad, angry, sad, over, Yahoo again, Mother, little brother, Merry Christmas, black-jack, slots and New Year's Eve will find me with ex and dear friends at the Road House…some things never change. This year is ending the way last year began…how ironic!