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After everything that happened, I am right where I should be on New Year's Eve/Day. A "relationship"ended for good over hurt feelings and selfishness, on both our parts, probably for the best. The ex and I parted company after dinner, and as I lay alone my thoughts drifted to one year ago when he would have been by my side. Around 3:00 am, Missy crawled into the fold-out couch beside me. Yes, this is where I should be, with my priorities straight. I should be with her and not in Laughlin. The Universe is always right...why fight it?
The sky has cried so many tears lately I keep wondering where she keeps getting more! I have enjoyed this winter more than any other winter I've ever experienced. Even though my life is not exactly where I would like it to be, I know that it is heading in that direction and that knowledge keeps me content. My cushy red couch has been my refuge, comfortably stoned with a glass of wine by my side...fire warming the cozy room. I will miss this when I have to move, but move I must. I cannot afford to stay here.
Our golden boy is back! We weren't sure if he would make it back, but there he was, sitting in his office. "I am so glad you're back!"I cried as I poked my head in his office. That 1000 watt smile just lit up his face. Later, as we were standing around at the end of the day, I asked about the ordeal. As usual, the quiet one, was little talk, but the humor rang true. "What did you do?"I asked. "Oh, I carved out a corpse and (making rowing motions with his arms) just paddled away." Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
I'm really confused!!! I have been married twice. The first wedding occurred 24 years ago today. That lasted five years. He had an affair, divorced me, married her and now we're all warm and fuzzy pals. Enter hubby number two. This is it, I thought. That lasted 17 years. We have differences that doomed the marriage, but a friendship that will endure. At any rate, they were selfish lovers. That is, they never seemed to genuinely enjoy pleasuring me. Now enter Yahoo, married man. It's all about what I want! I'm dumbfounded! He truly gets off on getting me off!
Now I've seen everything!!! A "creation museum"is being built on the border of Kentucky and Ohio. I am amazed at the amount of money spent on insanity when millions upon millions of people need help. They need basic necessities like a roof above them, running water, at least enough food on the table to sustain them, birth control and sex education (an absolute must in our society). Until a human being just "pops"into existence or someone can explain to me why they don't' and we have to have sex to create them, I'll never understand the creationists' standpoint.
I've had a few glasses of wine and a few tokes on the ole' pipe...a Christmas gift from beloved Prodigal Son. I sit here wondering what the this year has in store for me. What a doozy last year was! By all accounts, I should be a basket case. Anyone who has been reading this benign diatribe since April of 2004 only know what I have experienced since then, with some back story, from time to time. Though I have experienced some extremely painful episodes, I have survived seemingly unscathed. What glorious divine presence has a hold of me?
It has rained almost non-stop for a longer period of time than I can remember in southern California. Most people hate it. I adore it. I have always been fond of the rain and have conjured it up myself sometimes, but Mother Nature is providing a spectacular show on her own. I am simply enjoying it and taking it all in. In my office, I sit at the front counter...that is my desk area. The whole front corner of the building is all window...two stories high. My heater warming me from underneath, I sit and watch the rain.
I wondered what 2005 had in store for me and I was answered. She didn't even know I had asked in entry #6. I got an answer by e-mail. She couldn't possibly have known my posting for the sixth, for she does not possess my secret password. Nevertheless, she answered my query. She seems to feel that this is my year for the One and Only, my Ain' True Love...who will love me without games and with complete devotion. What a joy to have such a wise Goddess as my mentor and sister Goddess. Quanita? I love ya, sweetheart!
Another favor! What is he going to do without me when I'm REALLY gone! I shopped for his mother's birthday gift. I picked out and bought his Christmas tree. Now 've cleaned the house for his first party without me. Yes, folks, you heard right. I cleaned my OLD house for a PARTY I was a guest of. It felt surreal. We visited with friends we haven't seen in years and certainly not since the "separation." I was still treated like the lady of the house even though I'm not. Our friends left feeling completely comfortable with our marital status!
E-mail to Phoenix: I would at least like to know if you read my apology from Christmas eve and if you at least accept it and don't hate me. Trust me, I'm not fishing for a date...I get that you do not want to be in a relationship with me...LOUD AND CLEAR...I just don't like feeling that you're out there having bad feelings about me, because I don't have any regarding you. Reply: Ya, I got your e-mails and I don't hate you! No bad feelings. Reply: Thanks, I feel better now. (I can't fucking help myself)
That was the most mind-blowing sex I have ever experienced!!! Yahoo, I don't know how you know how to do that voodoo that you do so well! Never in my life have I ever had that many orgasms in one session. And he just wouldn't quit!!! He was like the fucking energizer bunny. I say to him, "Man, you are the best fuck I have ever had...and that's good and bad...I just hope I can find someone who can fuck like you do that I can go out with...LOL!" The bar has been raised fellas! Any takers???
I have come to find out relatively late in life that tattoos are a real turn-on. Phoenix had a tattoo on his upper arm...it was a black rose. Yahoo has a black band tattooed around his upper arm with a big red heart decorating the outer band. There is something about them that I find quite erotic and provocative. Perhaps it's the bad boy image behind the idea. The sight of those tattoos on the arms of beefcake men sends me into a fetish delight of sight. Painted flesh...sweaty...images dancing as the muscles pulsate beneath the skin.
They said not to expect much. They said she would not be normal. They said she would probably have all sorts of disabilities. As far as we can tell, she has not lived down to what "they said." Today, she is a thriving fifteen-year-old blonde hair, blue eyed, buxom beauty! She is opinionated and stubborn with a fiery Irish temper, from my side of the family, no doubt, with an honorably healthy hate for her mother, that's me, that I know will turn into a wonderful love later in life. (I have a mother too, ya know) Happy Birthday, Missy!
She had never been to this particular dance club and didn't know what to expect. Disco night was the theme. She had decided this was the night to go out dancing alone! Surely, she would feel comfortable with her own crowd, the seventies being the era in which she came of age. As the crowd thickened, she became aware of the youthful looks surrounding her. She leaned over to the next booth and asked, "How old are you?" The cute face in the other booth replied, "I'm twenty-nine." "That's not fair!"she declared over the noise. "You've high-jacked my music!-
I do declare, I finally get up the nerve to go out dancing and who decides to hit on me and waste my time at the dance club? A Rerun wannabe! I swear on everything that's Holy, he was Rerun after Jenny Craig! The outfit? Picture a gray and blue pin-striped vest and pants fashioned out of the same stiff corduroy with a pin-striped long sleeve cotton shirt. On the head? Why, a beret, naturally! He was a good dancer, but pumping his hips against my groin was a bit much! I left at midnight...enough Corona, Dancing and Rerun!
Sunday is the one day I say the heck with work day. Sunday is my day to play the way I like day. Sunday is sometimes a blue day because I didn't get my way day. Sunday is my day of reflecting on what I weigh so on my diet I stay. Sunday is a walk day in the sway of the breeze day. Sunday is good day to pray day. Sunday comes before Monday and that's just the way. What would happen if everyday were Sunday? Work would delay and everyone at home would stay if everyday were Sunday.
I am beginning to wonder if it will ever be filled. Sometimes, I'm OK about it, but then there are those times when it almost consumes me much like the tsunami consumed the helpless victims in it's way. I'm talking about that hole in my soul that I can't seem to fill. I know, I know. Fill it with love for myself. Done that. Fill it with the love of your family. Done that. Fill it with the love of your friends. Done that. The only love that will fill this hole is beginning to feel further and further away.
He finally flew away. He had been ill for some time. His poor little body just couldn't hold out. Neither of his kidneys worked and short of a miracle, he would not last. How hard it has been on my friend to know what is coming and having to think about it every day since Christmas. Her precious grandson flew away and no longer is worried about a frail body. His family is free of suffering the pain of watching him die a little everyday. May they find peace that his suffering has ended. He finally flew away. Steven, 2005.
Letting go of long held beliefs and myths is the most freeing experience a human being can realize. A man that I admire once said "Know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." But what is the truth? How can anyone know? The truth is there is no truth. It's all lies. Every last bit of it. We made it all up. God. Satan. Adam. Eve. None of this had any meaning until we came along and gave it meaning. It simply existed. God is whatever we say God is. We made it all up. Free at last!!!
Work, work, work. It's a damn good thing I love my work. I love my job would probably be a better way to state it. I mean, who loves work? NOBODY! But I can love my JOB. That is the place that I go every day to earn my living in this world. The work is monotonous, but the environment and the fellow employees, the laid back atmosphere, the company lunches that Boss Lady springs for at least every other week, the Koi fish and how we all love them, feed them and care for them...I couldn't be happier!
Another rainy day. Another day without sunshine. Another day like any day. Another day to wish for dreams you will never have. Another day to be alone. Another day to cry. Another day to laugh. Another day to believe in wishes for dreams that you dare to hope will come true. Another day to cope with the emptiness of being. Another day to try to fill it. Another day to succeed or fail. Another day to breath. Another day to rise above the weight of the world. Another day to shine. Another day to see the beauty of another day.
Her hair is like golden wheat. Her eyes are as blue as the sky,. Her grace is as delicate as a snowflake. Her smile could light up the night sky. Her figure is healthy, yet feminine. Her confidence is not arrogance. Her laughter is infectious. Her temper is volatile. Her empathy is without bounds. Her spirit is fully in this world. Her soul is timeless. She is the one who tears out my heart only to put it back again. She is the promise of the future. She is an echo of the past. She is my daughter. Dancer, 2005.
The Driving Range: The sun had come out and the world was bright and alive again. The rains had finally ceased and the day beckoned for an outdoor activity. I grabbed my golf clubs and headed to the driving range. As I settled into my space, a strange noise had begun behind me. The man standing there was talking...obviously to himself. He commented on shot after shot after shot. I had started to become annoyed until I realized how often I said, "Keep your freakin' head down,"and "What was that?"and "Ah, shit, what a fuckinÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœ chili dipper!!!-
One of our fish is sick. I've been toying with the idea of bringing him home to my bedroom. You see, he is an Angel Goldfish, with flowing fins and a round fat belly. Most of the other fish in the pond are Koi. For some reason, Cracker (he works in the back and he really likes that band) thinks he'll die if I take him home with me. He says he has "dropsy"and that is what everyone calls him. I just want him to get well and swim upright. He's been seeing the world upside down long enough.
I am already wet with anticipation as he arrives and trots up the stairs. He walks into my bedroom and immediately begins to disrobe. I am halfway naked myself, wearing only my bathrobe, open. We exchange quick hellos eager to get to the pleasure that awaits us. He immediately heads, literally, to the core of my existence, the feel of his wet tongue sending shivers through me. Then, he uses his fingers to take me to ecstasy! Thrusting faster and faster and always looking into my eyes...I can sense how excited he is, pleasing me, and I just explode!!!
I have a birthday coming up. As I plan on living to the age of 90, it will mark my "middle-age-. I plan on being "middle-age"for the rest of my existence. When I turn 50, my plan is to live to 100. You see the pattern. To mark this momentous occasion, I am going to my favorite playground...Las Vegas. I have a room booked and I'm heading out on Friday, the day before my birthday. Then on Saturday I am going to do anything and everything I want to do. Massage? You betcha. Blackjack? Wouldn't miss it. Woohooo!!!
So I did it! I sent yet another e-mail to asshole Phoenix. What am I? Some sort of stalker? Haha. No. I just have to have an apology or this will torment me the rest of my life! He apologized when he hurt me without a conscious effort...but when he hurt me for no other supposed reason than selfishness...well, I gotta wonder! His non-response to me on all other e-mails and phone calls (after he tried to return my Christmas gift to him) has been non-communicada! Now I appeal to him...answer me so I can sleep again!
When do we get to cut the umbilical cord? I know that it's severed after birth. What about the invisible one that seems to reach out and wrap itself around your throat, choking the very live out of you for the rest of your miserable existence?!?! What a fucking drama queen!!! Ha! Seriously. The Prodigal Son will be 21 in a couple of weeks. It doesn't seem possible. I don't feel that old!!! I still worry about his future. Will the worry ever end? Where's my confidence and positive, optimistic attitude? My children are the only targets of my worry.
Once upon a time, I had the opportunity to witness an extraordinary event. I attended the Hollywood production of "Phantom of the Opera." I grew up involved in the theatre, the small town, medium city "little"theatre, if you will. My sister was always getting cast in this one and that one. I even performed in a few productions. To see a REAL, mega-money-spent-on PROFESSIONAL production of none other than Andrew Lloyd Webber was a memorial experience. I took Missy to see the movie effort of the same play. She and I are the "musical twins." Like Mother, Like Daughter!
A Message from God/Goddess: "My dear children. I must explain to you exactly who I am and who you are. I am the energy that moves everything. Nothing would exist without it. I am it. I am existence itself. But being is just being. I don't want to just be it, I want to EXPERIENCE it. That's where you come in. I am EXPERIENCING it through you while I am BEING it at the same time. We are one in the same, you and I. You are me and I am you and nothing can ever come between the two.-
I had to tackle a lot of work today. Phone rings all day long...-Pach (pronounced Pok) & Company, How may I help you?" I say it in my sleep!!! I answer my home phone the same way! I handle five lines and sometimes they are lit up like a Christmas tree! I have to always know who's on first, what's on second and I don't know's on third base...oh boy, I need help!!! I do have a knack for handling a multitude of tasks without breaking a sweat. I get quite a few kudos...it's a great feeling!
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