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BY thefish

02/01 Direct Link
I have received two responses to my last e-mail to Phoenix. The first was to let me know that he was very busy with a new job and that he didn't want me to think he wasn't going to respond, that he would, he just had to get a lot of work finished so he could go riding with his brother. I responded "Have fun..." The second e-mail was to inform me that he has not forgotten about me (interesting choice of words), he's just extremely busy with work and doesn't know what &*(%@ day it is! Typical Phoenix...
02/02 Direct Link
The whistle started my day! Some days are just better than others at stroking your ego. I chose to wear a pair of low-ride cream colored slacks and a fuzzy moss green sweater today. High-heel brown boots completed the outfit. I left my hair down as I do on some occasions. I came out of the ladies room this morning to find Man of a Thousand Names standing at the coffee machine. His reaction was the most knee-jerk reaction I have ever gotten from him. His eyes grew wide, his smile grew large and he whistled at me. Oh, Baby!
02/03 Direct Link
Domestic violence. This is the most depressing class I have ever taken. First of all, the teacher has got a strong personality and opinion on the matter, with a history of being both victim and aggressor, she rambles dramatically about personal stories instead of teaching the material. Ah, the material. The prevalence alone of men who physically and/or emotionally abuse the woman they claim to love is mind boggling! The history is revealing. Can anyone say religion...particularly Christianity? When you are taught your whole life that Eve/Woman came after man and caused all the trouble, what do you expect?!?!
02/04 Direct Link
I find myself enjoying social events that seem odd to me, considering my age. I always assumed that the next baby shower or wedding I attended would be of one of my children or my friends' children. Tonight, I attended one of my Bunco pals' baby shower. She announced a few months ago she is expecting a girl. It was great fun, us girls, all chitty chatty about little babies and memories, ooing and ahhing over all the gifts. Next month, I attend the wedding of two high school buddies who were high school sweethearts who found love again. Bliss!
02/05 Direct Link
I have been scolded by Beliefnet. The tiger has been deleting my posts plus a number of posts by fellow posters recently. We all enjoy our tit for tat. We are adults and can handle criticism. Lately, if we are just the least bit off topic or point out another posters hypocrisy (my specialty) we get the ax. Yet posters who spout nasty comments and then back themselves up with the Bible, their posts stay! None of us are happy about it. I got my first e-mail and a slap on the hand by the tiger today. I am honored!
02/06 Direct Link
Super Bowl Sunday! Woo freakin'...woo...hoo...hoo. Sense the sarcasm? For the last 18 years I have partaken in the Super Bowl festivities if for no other reason than to be with my husband and share an activity that he loved. I made an effort in our marriage to enjoy what he enjoyed. How did I endure it? Gambling. If I had a bet on the game, then I had someone to root for which made it more fun for me. This year, I had no husband to please or money to win. Confession: I watched from half-time on.
02/07 Direct Link
The only sane man I've met from Yahoo is my married lover, affectionately referred to as Yahoo, not because that's how I met him, but because he makes me scream YAAAHHHOOOOO every time we're together. The single men are NUTS!!! They either get rude and call me names if I decide not to meet them or chat with them because I'm not attracted to their profile. Or they out and out ask me if I want to fuck! Yes or no! I say, "I'm not a prostitute!"to which he replies "I won't pay you then..." Yuck...yuck...yuck!
02/08 Direct Link
Valentine's day is approaching. I was a little sad today. Missy doesn't understand why I would be sad. I explained to her that when her heart got broken someday, and she came crying on my shoulder, that she would remember this conversation. She said, "Mom, get over it!" I said, "I am almost 45 years old and I'm not with my happily ever after." I never dreamed in a million years that at 45 I wouldn't be with my ‘Ain True Love by now. It's a little depressing. My heart always gets broken or I wouldn't be alone right now...
02/09 Direct Link
I bought a new toy today. A naughty toy. I just love my new toy. I think I'll marry my new toy. Now there's an idea. If homosexuals are allowed to get married, then women should be able to marry their sex toys. My new toy won't ever call me a bitch. My new toy won't break my heart. My new toy likes to be with me...in fact, my new toy goes with me everywhere and never complains. My new toy is beautiful...it's hot pink...and it even looks like a little penis. I love my new toy.
02/10 Direct Link
Why did I send Phoenix's son beef jerky for his 21st birthday? Because I said I would at Christmastime. I do try to keep my word. When I tell someone I'm going to do something, I try not to let anything stand in my way. Should I ignore the promise I made to him just because his Dad is an insensitive prick? My advice? "When all else fails....Love...it's the only answer!" Those words truly came from my heart. I may not want to see Phoenix again, but I won't hate him...heck I even still like the bastard.
02/11 Direct Link
Missy left for Hawaii this morning. It was raining, so I called to see if she was nervous or afraid about the flight. She was. I assured her that planes fly in the rain all the time. I assured her that everything would be just fine. Very strange emotions I'm going through at the moment. This is the first family vacation in which I am not along. Am I sad? No. Am I envious? No. I am happy for my Missy. My only regret? I won't be there to see her face when she snorkels for the very first time.
02/12 Direct Link
My Ode to Professor O'Connor (of the blonde hair, blue eyed variety): I hope you like my paper, Oh, I hope you do...I hope you like the paper I wrote from my heart so true. I hope you delight in the words that I write...I hope you are titillated by my prose and a fire in you arose...To the beat of the rhythm of my words and you hear the singing of the birds...As I stare at you every Sunday with lust as you look into my eyes as you must...I'll get a A, I trust...
02/13 Direct Link
Could I ever let my mind go there? Could I ever let it happen again? My emotions are all over the place right now. Ex called. Hawaii is beautiful and Missy is mistreating him. Who else could he call with whom he could commiserate? I have been wondering how he might be feeling, being there with her and without me. He actually misses me. The conversation became rather serious and weepy, reassuring each other as friends. He says there is no reason we couldn't do something like this again as friends, is there? No, my dear, none at all. Amazing...
02/14 Direct Link
Valentine's Day...the annual holiday honoring capitalism. Silly me...it's all about love and romance...NOT!!! No, I'm not being cynical, I am simply viewing the holiday critically and with all the experience that I have to bring to it. Ex always looked at it as Hallmark‘s Revenue Day...I tended to lean more toward the romantic nature of the day. The Valentines I received always fell short because they were given out of obligation instead of emotion. Yahoo instant messaged "Happy V-day"to me today. It's all about sex with him...and me...but, damn, he makes me smile!
02/15 Direct Link
What am I going to write, sometimes the words won't come at night. Life is so crazy these days, I walk around in a haze. Up every morning at dawn, driving to work as I yawn. I watch the sun rise every day, with an ocean view along the way. Class, class, class I trot to, homework and projects coming up due. I must make time for Yahoo, without him, I would really be blue. Housework is always ahead of me, I wish I could live in a tree. I need a vacation and some libation! Someone, please rescue me!
02/16 Direct Link
Shhhh...listen very carefully...I am going explain to you something that might take a moment to sink in...relax your mind...push all thought away and focus on emptiness...nothingness...void...nondescript...now, absorb this...every word I write, every thought I have...is nothing but a construct of my mind handed down to me by my ancestors who first created all the words, sounds, stories, thoughts....well, everything...literally everything that was ever conceived sprang from our minds...now what does that tell you? Think critically about it...a light bulb should go off...just think about it!!!!!!!
02/17 Direct Link
One: The Prodigal Son. Two: Eyes so blue. Three: Just mommy and he. Four: Step-dad walks in the door. Five: Will I survive? Six: Nothing I need to fix. Seven: He's in grade school heaven. Eight: He's never late. Nine: He's doing just fine. Ten: He sits in the bull pen. Eleven: He's in middle school heaven. Twelve: Into punk does he delve. Thirteen: He's not acting so keen. Fourteen: It's all been a dream. Fifteen: The nightmare into teenage Hell we have seen. Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, a blur...Nineteen and Twenty get better...Today, Twenty-one has begun...Happy Birthday!
02/18 Direct Link
He hasn't said he's sorry yet. Why can't I let this go? I have never been so bent on making something happen. I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. Why? What is it about this time that is different? I'm not usually insistent on getting an apology for harm done to my heart. I never needed one from Ex #1, among others. So why is this time any different? Just fired off another e-mail to Phoenix. That last line read, "I don't know how you sleep at night...ASSHOLE!!!" Yeah, that will force him to my will!
02/19 Direct Link
Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex on the fucking BRAIN!
02/20 Direct Link
Ahhh! No class today. Holiday. What will I do today? Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. Housework. "Desperate Housewives", guilty pleasure, good night sweet prince, wherever you are...
02/21 Direct Link
Mucking Funday! I think I've proclaimed my distaste for Mondays in this forum previously. Might I say again that they suck!!! But this Monday is different than just any Monday. This Monday starts the week that will end not unlike the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This Monday begins the countdown to my birthday weekend. My "I'm headin' to Las Vegas"birthday weekend. My "I can't wait to see what goodies the Universe has in store for me"weekend. Yes, this Monday is a good Monday...and it's even a Holiday so no class tonight...Sweet!
02/22 Direct Link
One of the best CD's I've purchased lately? Chicago/Love Songs - You're The Inspiration; If You Leave Me Now; Hard To Say I'm Sorry/Get Away; Here In My Heart; Call On Me; Colour My World (my personal favorite); Just You ‘N' Me; After The Love Has Gone; Hard Habit To Break; Look Away; Beginnings; Happy Man; Will You Still Love Me?; No Tell Lover; I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love; Never Been In Love Before; What Kind Of Man Would I Be?; Wishing You Were Here. Tonight, I listen to Love Songs and dream of my Ain' True Love...
02/23 Direct Link
Dilemma. I think Cracker is sweet on me. I hate that! He is really a nice guy. But he's too young for me, and though this is not a bad thing in and of itself, it's just that, intellectually, we're not on the same page. As shallow as it sounds, he is not cute enough for me either. I am a friendly person and sometimes fellas get the idea that I might like them in "that way"too...I hate to hurt anyone's feelings, so I'll just say he's too young for me. I would never want to insult him.
02/24 Direct Link
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!!! Or Aunt, if you prefer. I got lucky again with the car rental. I pondered renting a convertible for the drive to Las Vegas, but the price was too high and I'm trying to be conservative so my nest egg will last longer, so I opted for just a mid-size at twenty bucks a day. Upon my arrival, the agent says to me, "For just $9 more a day, you can get the convertible." Did I blink an eyelash? Heavens no!!! It's for my freakin' birthday, Hello??? Of course I got it...silly rabbit!
02/25 Direct Link
My birthday and a co-worker's are on the same day. He gave me $80 in an envelope as I left for Vegas to bet on the Lakers. He said to split the winnings with him, Happy Birthday. I settled in just in time to scurry out and place the bet. I forgot the money in my room, had to run upstairs to get it. As I am standing in line at the counter, I noticed that my little black purse has opened and the envelope gone. I went out to the parking lot and found it!!! And the Lakers lost!!!
02/26 Direct Link
45...I'm so high I could fly...Sit back in the big black convertible and watch the sky roll by...Las Vegas is just around the corner come nigh...Blackjack and Coronas are always in supply...Champagne and strawberries back in the room waiting for someone to try...Three-card poker is just the right buy...Mr. Baseball seated across the table...Those eyes twinkling and winking...That smile so sly...I'm not very shy...Shall we get high...and kiss the afternoon away in the blink of an eye...and take me to paradise, Oh my!!! Happy Birthday to Me!!!
02/27 Direct Link
Does the sun have to come up today??? Can't I please stay and play the day away??? I have to leave, is that what you say??? What if I don't want to, what if I want to stay??? Can't I please stay and play??? I have to go home now, without delay??? I have to go back to my life I want to keep at bay??? Why must I give up my freedom this way??? Because I've got bills to pay??? I've got papers due that must get an A??? Ok, I'll leave this place to play again another day...
02/28 Direct Link
As she sat at the 3-card poker table, she wondered if it could happen twice in one day. Could she possibly get that lucky twice in one day? They say, lightening doesn't strike in the same place twice, but lightening can strike twice in the same day. She was quite comfortable chatting with the fellow players. Then it happened. The most handsome man she had ever seen in her life appeared...he was an Ace in her book...then the King, then the Queen...BINGO...straight flush, baby, all diamonds, but this time she had her money on the table...