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BY thefish

03/01 Direct Link
Now the tears start to flow. They began around midnight on my birthday and once the dam burst, there was no plugging it back up. I don't know how long this will last, but I hope it's not long. I hate feeling this way. I don't know how to play this game. This games kicks my ass every time. If I don't want to see someone again, they want to see me again. If I really, really like someone and want to see them again, they don't want to see me again. I am not as strong as I seem.
03/02 Direct Link
Spontaneity 101: Just when I'm feeling sad and low. Just when I find myself alone at 45. Just when I meet someone who, at first, appears to be someone special, then turns out to be just the same as every other guy. Just when Yahoo hasn't been paying much attention to me lately, he pops up out of the clear blue this afternoon wanting to know if I want to play. Surely, you jest? How did he know I could arrange to be alone today? His sixth sense is amazing...so he went downtown and turned my frown upside down!
03/03 Direct Link
It's hard to believe a year has passed since we met. It seems like yesterday and eternity at the same time. I can't imagine what it was like before I knew you. I can't imagine what it was like before you flew into my life and it changed so drastically. I can't really remember. All I know now is that I can't imagine my life without you in it. I do miss our conversations, though. Unfortunately, if I ever heard the sound of your voice again, the dreaded Love Bug would strike and we can't have that, now, can we?
03/04 Direct Link
Bunco gals won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight...Bunco gals won't you come out tonight...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannd laugh by the light of the moon. Bunco gals won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight...Bunco gals won't you come out tonight...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannd gamble the night away. Bunco gals won't you come out tonight, come out tonight...Bunco gals won't you come out tonight...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannd be my pals for the night. Bunco gals won't you come out tonight, come out tonight...Bunco gals won't you come out tonight...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannd make me $20 bucks richer.
03/05 Direct Link
The Prodigal Son turned 21 recently. Tonight, I invited him along to listen to a band I had heard of from a co-worker. I had been informed that the music leaned toward the Jimmy Hendrix flavor. Son easily agreed when Mommy Dearest offered to pay for his drinks. We arrived and grabbed a small table next to the trio. We shared beers and enjoyed the music as he lusted after the blonde in the pink sweater at the next table. Strange experience, out with my son under these adult circumstances. We actually had a good time together! Wonders never cease.
03/06 Direct Link
Professor Blondie liked my paper!!! He liked it, he really liked it!!! I drove back from Las Vegas early so that I would not miss last week's class because he was handing back our papers. Well, he hadn't finished grading all the papers and mine was counted among those. So, he finally handed it back today and I got 19 out of 20 points. He liked everything about my paper, particularly my use of candor, wit and humor to get my point across. The only thing he didn't like were the punctuation errors. I am joyously pleased with my A.
03/07 Direct Link
The wedding approaches. Another trip. I look forward to my getaways. I don't mind packing and unpacking, maneuvering airports, running to gates, renting cars. I like the independence of being out on my own. I'm really looking forward to this trip. I will get to see people whom I haven't seen in no telling how many years. The reminiscing, the catching up. I wish I could afford to do this more often. Alas, the day will come that I probably won't be able to afford this. I'll just have to somehow save enough to squeeze in the occasional road trip.
03/08 Direct Link
"God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve-...a favorite statement made by those who oppose the right of homosexuals to marry. It is usually made by religious fundamentalists who believe in the creation story as told in the Bible, they believe to be the "Word of God." Every time I hear the above statement, I shake my head in bewilderment. I am amazed that in this day and age, in the 21st century, a multitude of people have not educated themselves enough to become enlightened as to what a "creation myth"is as opposed to cold, hard facts...
03/09 Direct Link
Yahoo popped in for a little sexual therapy today. Why do I feel no shame? Why can't I find one good reason to give him up? Do I not care how decadent I have become? Why am I not worried about the state of my soul? Why do I not think of how hurt his wife might be if she knew what he did to me in the privacy of my bedroom prior to his softball games? Why do I not seem to care how she would feel if she knew he fucked me before their son's first birthday party?
03/10 Direct Link
The eve of another trip. This is getting to be a habit. I have traveled more this year than any year I have existed. I must admit...I really like it. Alas, someday my funds will drain, I will be poor again and I'll exist in a cracker box apartment, working two jobs just to eat and keep a roof over my head. I'll have to give up traveling and smoking pot, so I say live it up while I can, ‘cause this is it for me! Good thing I'm not very materialistic...I'll be fine eating cat food...really...
03/11 Direct Link
The Day: Up at 5:00 a.m. Shower, dress, hair, make-up, finish packing, out the door by 6:15. Omelette at 7:15. Board jet. Flight goes smooth. Dallas...shuttle...walk, walk, walk to gate. Board small jet to Shreveport. Rent a car. Drive under two hours to Rayville. Go by house, see Mom, Sis...head out to join wedding party. Can't find country club because it ain't where it used to be. See Old Best Friend who directs me. Finally meet up with bride and groom. Over to their house and on to restaurant. Stuck in mud, sleep on chair then couch.
03/12 Direct Link
The bride was beautiful. The crowd was intimate and casual, like the couple. I mingled with people I have not seen in 20 years. We had so much fun trying to recognize each other. One classmate said that perhaps I didn't recognize him because he had his clothes on. You see, the last time I saw him was at a class reunion on a lake when a group of us ended up skinny dipping in the middle of the lake in the middle of the night. That's another story. And good ‘ole RR, still trying to get into my pants!
03/13 Direct Link
A Fish Story: She donned her rubber boots and headed out to the cow pond with her beloved nephews. As they moved through the woods, the wind blew and the sun was shining and all was right with the world. She was in a wonderful type of Heaven that can only be experienced...no words could describe it. As Golden Boy headed off to hunt for snakes, she and Beloved Nephew proceeded straight to the fishing hole. Neither had gotten a hook into the water before she was walking toward her Beloved Nephew calming displaying the hook in her finger.
03/14 Direct Link
"The Incredibles"turned out to be the movie playing on the flight back to California. I had not had the opportunity as yet to enjoy that particular movie. I settled into my window seat, earphones firmly in place. The movie is about a family of super heroes who must go into a sort of witness protection type situation where their identities are kept secret. Our two main heroes, male and female, fall in love and get married. The movie depicts the classic stereotypical family. The wife stayed home while hubby went to work. Do they know what year it is???
03/15 Direct Link
As I arrived Friday at my mother's house, she handed me a piece of paper and apologized for having to give it to me. A police officer had been there earlier with a piece of paper for me. It was a "Notice to Appear"summons for the little bit of trouble I had gotten into back home in good ‘ole Hicktown, USA last June. I had paid an attorney (first time I ever had one) a nice little sum of money to handle this for me. After phone calls and panic, I was informed that I don't' have to return.
03/16 Direct Link
I have discovered the truth. Prodigal Son is on Heroin. I have got to muster all the strength I have to help him through this destructiveness. He is ruining his life right before my eyes. I have long suspected since before he lost his job that this might be the problem. He has been spending the past week or so with two friends, whom I have just found out are big on that Shit...yeah, I called it Shit with a capital S...and I have seen signs. Now I must confront him without going fucking postal on his ass!!!
03/17 Direct Link
The well is deep and dark. The darkness that surrounds me is a strange comfort to me. I don't always like the light. Sometimes the dark is where I need to be. The dark is where I am. In the dark, I can cry. In the dark, I can scream. In the dark, I can entertain thoughts that I would never entertain in the light. In the dark, these thoughts are good. In the dark, you need feel no shame for them. In the dark, you can be free. In the dark, you can hide your self from the world.
03/18 Direct Link
My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. My son is a heroin addict. Fucking got it now???
03/19 Direct Link
Zzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzz...HUH! WHAT THE FU...! Oh, sorry, must have fallen asleep at the wheel!
03/20 Direct Link
I must get past the anger. I must get past the pain. I must love him above it. I must not let myself let him go. I must be strong. I must not let it get to me. I must, I must, I must. Why can't I fucking be mad??? Why can't I just say leave me alone??? Why can't I just cut him loose??? Why can't I just wash my hands of him??? Because I love him, that's why. Because he's my son, that's why. Because I couldn't live with myself, that's why. Because I‘m his mother, that‘s why!
03/21 Direct Link
Swim, swim, swim faster little fish...swim, time is running out...you must swim faster, faster, faster...behind, have fallen, behind...must type faster, faster...think faster, faster...time is running out...swim, swim...little fishy...gotta catch up...must finish one hundred words by the end of the month. Swim, type, think...type, think, type swim!!! Keep typing, little fingers...keep tip typing along until 100 words are met...check counter...oh, fuck only 61...gotta keep typing and swimming and thinking and typing and swimming...swim, swim little fishy...swim, type, think...catch up, catch up, catch up...
03/22 Direct Link
It rains steadily outside the window of my office. The rain has fallen for several hours now. I can feel it raining on my soul. I need to cry. I've got to cry. I don't know when it will come, but it will come. I'm feeling very alone right now. Very, very alone. I don't know why this is happening to me right now. Maybe it's my punishment, my karma. I've never felt so alone in all my life. The rain is falling steadily outside and inside...my heart. When will the sun shine again? When will I smile again?
03/23 Direct Link
Well, I put my profile back up on Yahoo. I would rather weed them out than be rejected over my picture, which ain't bad, but apparently the dudes I'm hitting up are looking for Pamela Anderson...and she ain't me! So, now I am firm and up front. These guys kill me, really...they actually think that by sending me a little fishy face with a "Hey sexy"is really gonna make me go like, "Yeah, I'm ready, come on baby!"and I have no picture from their end. Like I'm gonna bite...no pic, no chat...simple as that!
03/24 Direct Link
I keep your number in my cell phone. It is my Panic Button. It has been a while since we spoke, but I can still hear you voice in the memory etched on my soul. Will I ever use it? Probably not, but I feel a comfort knowing it's there. I call it my Panic Button. It will only be used in case of dire emergency and my soul is at it's lowest point. I doubt that will ever happen. I have a strong resolve and continue to be a resilient creature. My Panic Button is my security blanket. Thanks.
03/25 Direct Link
I got the call today. The new digs are mine. I am really looking forward to the change. Downsizing to a two-bedroom, single level is just want I needed. Missy is thrilled with the size of her room and she feels like a princess with her very own bathroom IN her bedroom. I get my own roman sized bathtub for bubble baths that will last for hours. I haven't lived in a place with a bathtub in the master bedroom in over 20 years. I can't wait to move! I need a change in my life. Makes me feel alive!!!
03/26 Direct Link
You will never realize how important your particular support is to me. I have friends, acquaintances, family members who can offer me support. But their words fail to convey what it is that I most need to hear. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for taking the time!
03/27 Direct Link
The air was crisp, the sun was shining, the flowers were blooming and the butterflies were floating by. Today is a new day. Today is a better day. Today is my day to spend with Prodigal Son. I am declining the family gathering with the ex to take beloved son out for Easter lunch. I drove him by my new apartment and we headed down Pacific Coast Highway to the Dana Point Harbor for some lunch in the sun. It was a pleasant time. No arguing, just mother and son, enjoying each other's company. I feel blessed today. Happy Easter.
03/28 Direct Link
I don't know what to say...I just want to finish this month...then I will have completed one full year of one hundred words a day. I want to finish. I am truly down to the finish line. I must finish tonight...am too far into April...hope I can catch that up...but this is priority...finish March....thoughts, thoughts, what thoughts do I have? Well, it fucking rained a lot this past month. I found a new place to live this past month. I have not had sex this past month...I had to fucking go there!!!
03/29 Direct Link
Last page. I am numb...long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, month!
03/30 Direct Link
Dropsy died. He just couldn't hang on until I moved into my new place. I would have brought him home with me, but I didn‘t want to have to move a fish tank during my relocation. He wasn't looking good at all yesterday. Usually, he would be floating near the surface, mostly upside down. Not yesterday...he was at the bottom, kind of keeling over from time to time. I looked for him first thing this morning, knowing how we would find him. He was nowhere to be seen. When Cracker lifted one of the filters, there he was...dead.
03/31 Direct Link
One year of 100 words a day. That's 365 days. That's 36,500 words. That's a lot a words!!! My being the wordy person I am, this has been an exercise in minimalism. Stating my thoughts in no more than 100 words a day has been quite challenging. Using less than 100 words was never an issue for me. You see, I can talk a blue streak and having to limit myself in this arena has been an exercise in restraint. I am so grateful to be able to come here and creatively express myself. I thank you kindly, dear sir.