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Happy Birthday To You, Happy Birthday To You, Happy Biiiiirthday, Dear Secret Friend, Happy Birthday To You!!! Wow! 48 today! How does it feel? Will I feel different in nine months when I get there? Do you have as many gray hairs as I do? I love that we share this day. I was conceived, you were born. June 1, 1959. What a phenomenal day for the world. It got us! The world doesnít even realize what we mean to it, but we know. We know very well. Someday theyíll know too. But not today, today is your day. Enjoy!!!
It was a fun date as dates go. We took a brief ride on his motorcycle to the Harbor and had dinner on the patio of the Wind and Sea. The evening was cool, but not too cool. The sun was setting. The boats lobbed gently on the water. The conversation was interesting and spontaneous. Dinner was delicious. I had two Coronaís to his three. This worries me. I donít think I want this one to go much further. I must let him know there is no future for us. I am not going to make the same mistake infinity!
My dear, sweet friend: I was not put out at all to stay with you last night. I understand you are still having a very difficult time. When you need me, you know Iíll always be there. I wish you knew how much all your friends love you. We donít want you to leave us. I know this is hard for you. I know, right now, you donít want to be here. But he would want you to stay and live a full, happy, long life. You know that. If you canít stay here for us, stay here for him.
I had to break it to him gently. I value my privacy and independence. I like to chill at home alone. I donít want someone with me every night. That is not what I am looking for. I jumped in too soon the last time a younger man became smitten with me and I fell in love. Not this time. Iím sorry, but I have to look out for myself. I am not going to forfeit my happiness because I donít want to hurt someone elseís feelings. I have spent my life doing that. It is my turn now! OK???
The mind is a most powerful tool. We are mostly unaware of the fact that our thoughts control our world. Every thought we produce manifests itself into our reality. If our thoughts center on selfishness, differences, revengeÖnegative energyÖthen our reality will reflect it. If our thoughts focus on selflessness, sameness, forgivenessÖthen our reality will reflect those things. So, I know when I am attracting negative situations, I need to take stock in my thoughts. I need to exercise spontaneous positive thoughts and reject the negative. I will then see my world and circumstances change to reflect happiness.
What is the Prodigal Son going to do when I move? Has he even tried to save any money to get a room somewhere? Has he even looked into it? He just goes through each day like tomorrow will never come. He lives his life like opportunity is going to come knocking on his door. Correction. He lives his life like opportunity is going to come knocking on MY door. And therein lies the problem. For too long my door has been his door. Itís time for him to get his own Goddamn door! I want my door to myself!!!
Now Iím pissed! Ex didnít like it that I couldnít pick up Missy from dance class. Too fucking bad! I make sure she is at school every morning. I walked out and left him the house and I didnít touch his 401K. Does he realize that most divorced men are required to lower their standard of living so that their ex-wives could maintain the standard of living to which they had grown accustomed? He doesnít know how lucky he has it. I could be the poster child for GOOD ex-wives! So donít complain! I am the one alone and struggling.
What a Friday. Work all day. Biker Dude visited until I escorted him out of the apartment at around 11:00 p.m. He really wanted to stay. I said no. God, I love the fact that I finally perfected the art of saying no. No. See how easy it is? I have always had a hard time with that one. I especially have a hard time when the other party is begging like a little child. I still said no. I wanted to sleep alone. I also wanted to hang out with the Prodigal Son and his friends. Yes to that!
Today is going to be a good day. I will make my extra special guacamole for the party. I will style my hair and wear make-up. I will dress cute and be ready for anything. I will put the top down for the 30+ minute road-trip on this beautiful June day. I love these parties. There is always great food, a great bar, great conversation with great people. This will be no different. We will laugh at raunchy jokes, drink til weíre drunk, Jacuzzi like thereís no tomorrow and maybe, just maybe, find a little romance. Wouldnít that be nice?
Surprise, surprise!!! Just when I thought it was safe to go to a party alone again. Then it happened. I have met San Diego a few times. The first time I met him I thought he was a jerk. As time passed, he grew on me. At the last couple of parties I noticed that we were growing closer in friendship. We would sit around the fire and lean in toward each other and whisper. We talked about dating and getting our hearts broken. I had no idea he was interested. Now I know. WOW is all I can say!!!
To Detroit: I dig that we get along so well. And your sister is just as much a joy as you are. I know youíve had a rough time of it with exís and your children. They donít know how great you are! I donít know why, but thatís gotta be it. I see how anguished you are when She-Devil wonít let you see your little sunshine. She is only angry and hurt. This will pass. She will grow up and realize that crying over spilt milk is a waste of time. She can always get more at the store.
Random Whys: Why canít gay people get married? Why canít my dog talk to me? Why canít my son step up to the plate and take care of himself? Why do I hate Mondays and love Fridays? Why canít I find the right fit with a man? Why donít I just decide to be a lesbian? Why does the green light change to yellow as soon as you get to it? Why does my home phone ring over and over with solicitation calls? Why do they call right in the middle of dinner? Enquiring minds want to know! Why not?
I saw my new crib today. All I can say is ďSWEET!Ē It is the bomb. I am sick, sick, sick of living in my current place. I am sick, sick, sick of traipsing up and down two flights of stairs with heavy groceries or to take my little munchkin out for his daily treks to relieve himself. I am sick, sick, sick of the Prodigal Son sleeping out in the living room and hearing the TV on until late at night. I am sick, sick, sick of living practically right above the Property Manager from Hell! I canít wait!!!
Where is he going to go? How is he going to survive? When will he grow up? At twenty-three years old, I was already married, working full time and pregnant with my first child. The Prodigal Son arrived nine days before my 24th birthday. Oh how in love I fell when they placed him in my arms. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He is still a good looking young man, but he is far from being self-sufficient. I have to cut the cord. Itís going to hurt, but itís now or never! God help me!!!
Biker Dude with the Tattoos came over again tonight. I guess I like him ok. Heís just not ďthe one.Ē He understands that I am remaining single and dating others, so he needs to let me lead. So, he didnít call me or bother me all week. He was a good boy, so I called and invited him over for the Friday night fuck-o-rama. He raced over like lightening. I hope he doesnít get his heart broken. Heís too sweet to hurt. Thatís why I am open and honest in every way. He can never say I led him on.
One week from today I move again. I have never been this excited about moving in all of my life! I sincerely feel like time has slowed down to a snailís pace. The days just keep getting longer and longer. I am so busy preparing for the move, I can hardly find time to breath. Boxes are everywhere. My new place is so nice. And Iíll be living there all by myself. I think thatís my favorite part. No kids, no roommate/boyfriend. Just me. Itís all mine. Life is about to get better for me and Iím ready for it!
What is it about me that attracts younger men? I have had more experiences with younger men these past three years than I have with men closer to my age or older. Biker Dude says the younger women are too superficial, immature and suck in bed. I am older, seasoned, wise and, according to him, I fucking rock in bed! Well, truth be told, I donít mind. It is quite an ego booster. But like a good friend of mine said when she heard Biker Dude is only 31: ďYou keep this up, soon youíll be changing their diapers!Ē LOL!!!
I don't know exactly what to make of Biker Dude. I like him, but I don't see myself falling in love with him. He's very sweet and always brings the wine, but I can't muster up "love" feelings for him. He is not bad looking. He is a rather burley guy with a hairy chest. Maybe that's it! I can have sex with him, but I donít think I can fall in love with him. I donít think I can get past the hairy chest. That makes me sound so superficial. I guess Iím getting picky in my old age.
I made a tough decision today. I am going to let Philly Blue Eyes treat me to an Angel game tonight. I know, I know. I probably shouldnít go, but I love the Angels! I want to go to the game! He owes me big time anyway, so why the fuck not? I already told him that I donít want to argue so we wonít speak of things that will turn the heat on. I just want to have a good time at the game. Thatís it. No kissy face, no hand-holding, no hugging, no ass grabbing. Got it? Good.
The date with Philly Blue Eyes was almost a total bust. What a monumental mistake! The only good thing about it was that I got to go to an Angel game on his dime. Other than that, same old blah, blah, blah, blah. The violin playing must have weighed a ton! And then to say that he wants a girlfriend whoíll back him up and support his stupid decisions was too much. IíM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!!! Then to top it all off, my Angels lost the fucking game! I should have known better than to think it would be fun.
Missy is officially a senior in high school. I canít believe it. Sheís really turning out to be a beautiful person, inside and out. To top it off, she had her first real date! He took her out to the movies and they talked until 3:00 oíclock in the morning. He didnít press her for kisses or making out. He did take her parking a few days later. They parked in broad daylight at the parking structure at the local mall. Too funny. I guess in Southern California, thatís what you have to do with the urban sprawl and all.
It is one oíclock in the morning on Saturday, moving day. The buzz of my cell phone wakes me from a deep sleep. I know exactly who it is. There is only one person on earth who would text me at this time of night. Dracula. ďHi,Ē he wrote. ďHi,Ē I respond. As I hold the phone in my hand to write another message proclaiming the ungodly hour, the phone rings in my hand. ďCome over,Ē he begs. Knowing I have a long day ahead, I relent. I just canít resist his pleas for my company. Why the fuck not?
This has truly been Hell day!!! The movers came later than expected. My kids didnít do nearly what I had asked them to do. The movers didnít take as much as I wanted them to take because I was not there to supervise. I had to go over to the new place to sign the lease, get the keys and let the cable guy in. Back at the old homestead, they said we are running behind. I didnít want to pay more, so off we go. I still had to make several more trips. In the end, I was robbed!!!
I was robbed again at the old homestead. Thatís the third time!!! Two-thirty in the fucking morning, two guys asking where the party is, offering to help me with the heavy, water-logged rolled up rug. First I said no thanks. He asked again and I relented. I was so tired, my body ached all over, I had gone up and down two flights of stairs and then one more times than I can count, so I said sure. As I walked away and past the SUV, I locked the doors. They got in through the back. Ainít that a bitch???
I am lying in my bed, Bo at my feet, the TV directly at the foot of my bed for viewing ease. I have my beloved Cox Cable again. All the pictures are clear. I sit in bed looking out through the window facing the hillside. The view is exquisite. The green trees and bushes are candy to my eyes. The ceiling fan above my bed whirs and cools my skin. I am in Heaven. I feel lighter than a feather. I have not felt this free and good in a very long time. It feels like Heaven on Earth!
Wow! San Diego sent an e-mail to me on Monday morning stating that he got my address from one of Redís (formerly known as Jami) long list of e-mails she forwards. The funny thing is, I had just done the same thing. I sent him one from my personal mail and he was the process or had already sent me an e-mail to my office address before he got mine. What a coincidence! He rushed over tonight for a few hours of carnal activity. We decided that what happened at Redís last party was too good to not experience again.
I am so happy I could just burst! I love, Love, LOve, LOVe, LOVE my new place!!! It only takes five minutes to get to work in the morning. I go home for lunch every day. Detroit comes home with me for lunch every day so far. We sit on the balcony and talk and toke and enjoy the lunch hour. I just canít believe this is my pad. It is my favorite by far of all the places Iíve lived over the past three years. It is cozy, but has lots of storage and light. And itís all MINE!!!
Need a filler. What to say? Life is getting better. Philly Blue Eyes is pretty much leaving me alone except for the occasional call to chat. Iím taking Biker Boy off my booty call list. Heís too young and vulnerable. Should have never started up with him to begin with. Too much to drink on a Holiday, needing a ride home, and taking advantage because inhibitions are lowered. Gotta watch that. The Prodigal Son has called a couple of times just to chat. Heís doing ok. I guess I should stop worrying since he keeps telling me not to. OK.
ďat a club in la fck offĒ. Dracula is being an ass again. I thought we were cool. I thought if I texted him, he would respond as he has been doing. Now, nothing. When I decided to call him on the fact that he texts me at one oíclock in the fucking morning and I at least have the courtesy to respond, why canít he just respond ďbusyĒ or something. Just a response. Show some common courtesy. NO, I get, FUCK OFF. Well, Dracula, next time you text me late at night, guess what two words Iíll respond with?
She held tight to the boogy board as she floated on the water waiting for just the right wave. She had not been in the ocean for a very long time, much less holding onto a boogy board firmly beneath her body. The waves came one after another, gently lulling her into a peaceful space. She kept missing the crest by just a hair. Then, finally, a massive wave kicked her forward with a surge of white water. Oh, what fun she was having. She would never grow up. Never, never, never. She was eternal, ageless, fearless. She was thefish!!!
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