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In the three years I have been single and on my own, never has one of my lovers ever offered anything in the way of financial help. Not that I expect it, but I have found that I am far more generous than the men I’ve met. Philly Blue Eyes was a classic example of me paying his way almost all the time. So when San Diego offered to buy two new tires for my car, I was flabbergasted. I protested, but he threw a hundy at me and insisted. Truthfully, it turned me on and he got it good!!!
I love to sit on my balcony, look up at the sky and watch the clouds. Clouds are so interesting and beautiful. The way they are constantly in motion, changing from moment to moment reminds me of life itself. Always changing, nothing ever staying the same, nothing ever standing still, constant change. Of course, that’s what the republicans are afraid of. They just can’t handle change, but change doesn’t wait for their approval. No, change happens whether they like it or not. But then that’s what they love about their Heaven. Everything the same, never changing. Sounds boring to me!
Well, I missed July. I admit I will be posting some of July here in August. I have worked my ass off at work for several weeks now and have not been able to concentrate on writing, much less find the time to sit and write. Speaking of working my ass off, I had a little tet-a-tet with the Boss Lady today. Several co-workers have been given half-days due to their hard work. I asked about mine. I guess she hadn’t noticed my effort covering for other people for the past few weeks. My half-day is Tuesday. I can’t wait!!!
You have not lived until you have pressed your bare ass against a chain link fence while an Amtrak train slowly passes by. Now I have lived. The 28th annual Moon Over Amtrak commenced today. I had an opportunity to join the festivities. This has become a tradition here and now attracts thousands of people from all over. It was a great day for people watching, drinking, laughing, making new friends, and last, but not least, getting cheeky with the passengers in the trains that pass by. Naturally, the passengers have joined in and now the mooners get mooned back!
Philly Blue Eyes called again. He sounded inebriated. He sounded sleepy, slurring his speech. He wanted to hear my voice. He wanted to tell me he missed me. He was wondering how I was doing. Fine. Fine. Fine. Why can’t he get used to the idea we are not going to get back together. My life is so peaceful right now. I love having my own space. I love not having to deal with all his drama. I love being able to have any company I choose over to my place. By God, I am not sharing my space again!
The sun is exquisitely beautiful and bright today. The wind turns my hair into a tangled mess as I drive up Golden Lantern toward the sleepy beach town of Dana Point. As the road crests at the hill, the ocean magnificently appears on the horizon. The blue and green jewel tones blend with the sky to create a mirage so breathtaking you have to pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming. I turn left onto PCH and head down the coast toward my sleepy beach town of San Clemente. Life is about as good as it can possibly get!
Today was my day to leave early and spend the rest of my day just chillin. First, I sat down with the Prodigal Son and watched a movie. Then I took my best pal, Bo, to the beach for a lovely walk along the coast. The sun’s rays were bouncing exquisitely on the waves creating a blinding reflection of diamonds. The ocean breeze brushed the hair from my face as the salt sea air filled my nostrils with the sweet aroma of beach. Then it was off to the Irish Pub for an afternoon cold one. This is the life!
Man, I’m ten days behind. I have been going crazy busy at work. My social life is chaotic. I have had writer’s block. I don’t know what to say. I think of something while I’m driving in my car, and think, I should write that, then it’s gone. I try and try to remember when I’m sitting in front of my keyboard, but nothing comes. This can get very frustrating. I will sit down tonight and write down some thoughts to ponder and catch up. I promise myself! I hate being this far behind. It’s not easy catching up. Shit!
I’m ready to sound off about homosexuals and marriage. What is the big damn deal? Why does society, in general, think that they have any say about to whom someone falls in love or to whom someone fucks whether or not they are in love? As long as nobody is getting raped and children are not involved, who should give a shit? It boggles the mind that some people in the world think that they have the right to make the rules for everyone else regarding love and sex. WTF? I’ve got an awesome idea! Mind your own fucking business!
I should be ashamed of myself. Very ashamed. I got a text from Dracula around 2:30 in the afternoon. “Sex?” “Now? LOL!” I confess I went over after happy hour and we had a quickie. I kinda felt sorry for him. He misses me in between our trysts. Then I got a text from San Diego. “Whatcha doin?” “Happy our and a friend’s” “Come down” Yes, I left Dracula and flew to San Diego. We had fantastic sex that night and the next morning. The Virgin Queen of Rayville has become the Slut of Orange County. Thank God for douche!
Driving home from San Diego, I am deep in my thoughts. It is always a beautiful drive with the ocean to the left of me, the top down on my convertible, the ocean air filling my lungs. I don’t know what to think of this thing happening with San Diego. I sure like his company and he seems to like mine. Fucking is not ALL we do, but we agreed that that is the only thing this relationship can be about. He is still looking for Miss Wonderful who will marry him and give him children. I wish him luck.
I have learned to enjoy the ocean. I love the taste of the water. I love the feel of the water. I love the way my body sways as the swells rise and fall into crashing waves. I love the sound of the water as it dumps over itself into a sea of white foam. I love being pushed forward by the power of the water, completely helpless, relying completely on my faith that it will not swallow me, but guide me toward the shore. As the seagulls circle overhead, I am in complete awe at the magnificence of it.
Missy Lou got her driver’s license today. She actually passed the test. It took her four tries at the written test and then passed the hands-on driving test on the first try. Way to go, girl!!! Oh, but wait. That means she’ll be driving around on these roads with all the other people driving around on these roads and maybe even sometimes with friends in the car or worse…after having a couple of drinks!!! Oh My God! How will I ever sleep again? I think I’m gonna need a permanent supply of valium for the rest of my life!!!
I am almost too far behind! I am almost so far behind, I am not sure that I will finish August. I will try though. I will go home tonight and write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write until I am done with August!
Missy is still a virgin but she has made out pretty far, I have learned. She can say anything to me. She and her summer romance never got very far. She told him she wouldn't go all the way unless they were boyfriend/girlfriend. She did, however, give her first blow job. God that sound so crass, but how else to say it. She said he helped her because she didn't know what she was doing. Advice? I imagine what it would feel like to have a penis and then I do what I think would feel good. Works every time.
What a fucking idiot I am. After having quit for over 17 years, I am back at it like a chimney. I really should have my head examined. I really don't know why I do it. San Diego doesn't smoke and I never smoke when I'm at his place. In fact, while I'm there I never even have the urge to go out to the patio and smoke. I guess I'ld rather be spending my time with him than wasting it with a cancer stick in my hand. But then when I leave, I'm lighting up again. What the fuck?
The week-end has arrived. The plans are set. San Diego arrived around 7:30. Our plan was to go out for a couple of cocktails and then go back to my place for sex and sleep. He changed the plans shortly after arriving. He said, “We’re having sex first, then we’ll go out.” I was a little surprised but definitely ok with that plan. He said he was sure I wouldn’t mind. He was correct. I have no problem putting my clothes back on to go out. So after our initial quickie, we went out for a couple of hours. Sweet!
San Diego and I enjoyed the afternoon and evening at Magic Mountain. He purchased the “Thrill Pass.” We got to go ahead of the 2 and 3 hour lines and get right on every ride. We got 15 rides in during a less than 7 hour stay. The average rides I’ve accomplished while standing in line is 4 or 5. We were laughing and having the best time riding one roller coaster after another. Then, we went to the hotel bar for a couple of drinks. Then it was sex in shower, sex in bed, and a blissful night’s sleep.
We stopped by to pick up Hayley, San Diego’s beloved Siberian Husky. Red and Kev invited us to the harbor for drinks. It was lovely chatting with our friends on such a beautiful day. Red and Kev are really happy that we’re seeing each other. Kev asked what’s going on between us. “Great sex and good friends, that’s all,” he said. Kev pushed him further. “You know there’s more going on or you wouldn’t be spending so much time with her.” He smiled. Red thinks he’s growing attached to me. Honestly? I wouldn’t mind because I feel the same way.
It finally happened. Philly Blue Eyes is in jail. The Dragon Lady is out. I am not surprised. He finally stopped calling. I had been checking the obits every day for his name. I knew he would end up dead or in jail. Jail won. I don’t know why and I really don’t care. My feelings for San Diego are growing and I suspect his are for me as well. We have so much fun and great sex with no drama. Philly Blue Eyes would be devastated to know I’ve moved on and am seeing someone new. Too fucking bad!
Wow! Color me surprised when San Diego wanted to see me again so soon. We spent the entire weekend together and he wanted me to come over already. I wish I could get inside his head to find out what he is thinking about us. He continually insists we are just friends with benefits. Is he insisting to convince himself that that is all we are? Is there something more going on he hasn’t confessed to? I know I have grown feelings further than that. But has he? Will he ever admit it? Will he change his rhetoric? Stay tuned.
One more and I will have finished August. Shit! But now I'm behind six days for September. You know what I hate about writing at home? I don't have microsoft word with word count. So after every entry I have to count the fucking words. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten and then around again for another nine times. This sucks! I just haven't had time at work to write lately. My writing has been piss poor this month. So hard to find something to say when you are behind. Never have a problem when talking.
I try so hard to not let my heart get involved, but how can I not? These past weeks have been amazing. San Diego and I get along fantastic. The sex is incredible. We see each other 2 to 3 times a week. We spent the whole weekend together. I don’t know if he will ever make our relationship “official.” Am I destined to be an FWB forever? Why was the only man who fell in love with me a Loser with a capital L? I know when San Diego and I stop seeing each other, it’s going to hurt.
Missy and friends needed a ride to an all day concert today. I left work at 9:30 am expecting to be gone for a couple of hours. I didn’t get back to work until 2:00 pm. Thank the Universe I have an understanding boss. The girls were in fine form. We listened to music and played road games. We giggled as we tapped each other on the arm whenever we spotted an out of state license plate. For all the aggravation of making the trip, it was fun to be young again! Missy and I have grown much closer lately.
Sucky, sucky day!!! I have lost a girlfriend. But was she a real friend or just a burden? Well, she is constantly in need of transportation to and from a bar. She is constantly in need of someone to help her out financially. She only calls me when she wants something, usually a ride to and fro. Is that a real friend? How many times has she helped me out? Try next to none. So, when she asked me to give her a ride to San Francisco, my knee-jerk reaction was yes. I should have said no to begin with.
San Diego: I wish you wouldn’t assume when I text you that I am looking to get together. You had already left me a voicemail stating you had friends arriving in town and couldn’t see me over the weekend. I knew we weren't going to see each other. I was just inquiring as to if you were enjoying your visit and having fun. Please don’t assume that I am hounding you for sex when I’m just being friendly. That’s what we are, right? Friends. We will always be friends even when the sex ends. Thank you. I hate feeling stupid.
Finally started taking part of the Prodigal Son's salary to help him save for a car. Yes, he is back at my place almost full time. Will I ever have my own space? I have wanted to be on my own for over 3 years now. He is following me like a shadow. Every time I move he is supposed to get it together and get his own place. Every time he ends up in my living room. This time I am saving his money for him. At least if he gets a car, he'll have a place to sleep!
I am so sick of being broke between paychecks. I am sick of owing so many people. I can’t wait to pay my Mom back for helping me move. I can’t wait to pay the lawyer off for the bankruptcy. I can’t wait to pay back Red what I owe her for helping me when I needed it. I can’t wait to pay back my company for helping me out when I needed it. I can live on what I make if I can just get everyone paid back!!! Then I swear I’m never gonna get in this mess again!!!
Damnit! It is September 6 and I'm already behind. This is not going to be easy. I've got two hours and thirty minutes to write five entries. I have to do it. I don't want to lose all my words for this month. I hate getting this far behind. What I can say about this moment that will have already happened on this date is that my beloved Saints lost to the Colts. Opening fucking game and could we lose by a few??? Nooooooo...we had to go and lose by a lot!!! We've resorted to the Ain'ts again. Fuck!!!
After an interesting e-mail exchange, it turns out San Diego is coming up to spend the whole weekend. Says he’ll be over Friday evening and pack for through Sunday. Red and Kev are coming down to go to the beach and he wants to be a foursome. I cannot figure this thing out for the life of me. We’re friends with benefits, he says over and over as if he’s trying to convince himself that it is true. I am trying not to get attached. But damnit I’m having so much fun. This one’s gonna kill me in the end.
I’ve been on the job for three years today. It’s been three years since I joined this family. Boss Lady has become a trusted confidante and mentor. She believed in me enough to offer me the big office with the ocean view. She trusted me to handle the multi-million dollar financials of our little company. Now, if only she will raise my salary to the point I should be. Well, I understand it will be next year now. In the meantime, three years means three weeks vacation/sick days. So I am taking two days next week. I need a vacation.
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