REPORT A PROBLEM
Fireworks, Champagne and a New Beginning
I dont know what is so special about New Years Eve. I woke up this morning feeling the same, knowing I hadnt changed. I invite that change and Im happy for those that recieve it. But I cannot help feeling indifferent. Nothing can change over night but numbers. That is why new year's resolutions never work, because one night cannot bring change. Wished me a happy new year – through the smoke of the fireworks, exploding all to near to me,and with breath stinking of the sickening sweet cheap champagne. I smile, nod, and return.
A wasted day?
Sometimes I think that I should be doing something - something productive - but the t.v. seems so attractive and homework so ugly. I don't care – but it is such a big deal to everyone. It is like a weight on my shoulders, mind and heart. This work isn't hard but I cant understand the point anymore of doing some of it when I know that its not going to be helping me to do what I want to do. Physics and Computer Ethics are useless to me. I don't see why I should care at all.
Friday Night : Then / Now
Staying at home and watching movies on my girlfriend's t.v. – she has cable – she lives alone – two very good reasons to be at her place on a Friday night. There were times where I wanted to be out with the guys, drinking-myself-silly until the wee hours of the morning. I think it made me feel good knowing that I knew so many people, to know that I could drink more. Now I'd rather sit on her couch, after a shower, eat salty toast and watch movies with commercial breaks. I've changed – have I matured?
Zombies and Mohawks!
I cut my brother a mohawk. Hes 10. It looks really cool – and I might do it myself. Despite the fact of playing in a punk band and having tatoos - never had a mohawk. I just never saw the point in making oneself look bad, as a style. But it doesn't look bad, when its done right – hygiene makes the difference. Friends came over and we hooked up my computer to a video beamer, watched zombie movies : cinema style – theres something about home cinema that everyone enjoys. Playing computer games on that screen was bliss!
Sunday: The Divine's Day of Rest
It's not mine – it's the day where I catch up on homework that I should have done before. Im a professional procrastinator : I never get it done. I know I wont even get done tonights and that's why Im writing now and avoiding it again. Im sick of school and I only have 3 more months before its over, I cant push myself to work for 90 days – so close to the end, I guess I should cherish them, but when your almost 20 and in High School : you just want out.
Girls Talk and Boy Writes
They've moved back, and although I thought we were good friends before they left. I developed, in their absence, a different opinion. Now I don't know whether their "girl-talk" will hurt our delicate relationship or strengthen it. I am jealous. I admit. She needs someone to talk to, but their advice is so based-on-nothing subjective radical nonsence – I can't take that. Nothing I can do now. I called her twice; now I think it might have been too much. Mood depending: they might think I am controlling, they might think its cute. Girls are fickle.
Life and the struggle to destroy the wheel
I hope this world will melt away. I'm not angry or bitter, I just think that it would be interesting for a change. We are all very secure in our lives, no matter what things happen, real or surreal. There needs to be something to combat the cycle the grind, the grey paper wheel our lives mimic. When someone finally finds away to combat it, break it, will it actually be able to bring happiness longer than a commercial break or will we turn back to what is more comfortable? Probably unfortunately.
Why we like Happy-Ends (Part I)
Not quite knowing the point of the movie I push my chair back and think. Their lives for 30 years, only 2 hours for me: changes, developments, good-times, hard-times, the-ups-and-the-downs, and the downs. Finally it ends, all sadness and hurt, unsaid words and their daughter without a father. She was lying right? I don't want to be confronted with harsh aspects of reality when in reality I'm trying to relax. Actually, I feel more like dying now. Perhaps I should just go to bed, sleep it off, it's only a movie. It's only 6:57.
Why we like Happy-Ends (Part II)
I wish I hadn't watched it. They said his movie was ‘close to life,' he never finished his book – perhaps that was true about this movie too: unfinished and yet somehow so much like real life. I can't help seeing us, 30 years down the road the same. Different cars, different war. Was it trying to depict life, as raw and human as it could be? I don't know if that still can be considered entertainment. Again? Suicide comes to mind. If I want to cry I could close a sliding-door on my hand.
Mexican Beer and the Italian-American Mafia
There are not many better ways to spend a Friday-night: good movie, good beer, good friend - All I wanted to do was sit and watch Godfather I and empty a few bottles of Salitos, my with her by my side. But there was no Salitos at the shop. Tragedy and Damnation! Well. Desperados was okay too. The movie was really long, not that that bothers me, but it gave much space for interruption. Phones ringing, the room-mate's stereo, the door, commercials, the people upstairs: No-one would make noise if I was like Vince
New Arguments – New Opinions – Same People?
Its not easy being alone. We've found more differences now. It puts more pressure where pressure is not needed. She's the only one that I have now. I was her only one but they're back now, not often but enough. I'm not complaining. Not really. She doesn't want to watch the movies I like. So I'll watch them alone, when she's not there. But when I am alone she's there. She has become like my other half. Yet she doesn't like half of what I like. And it's that half that makes me whole.
Ignorance: the greatest stupidity
Do you feel so threatened by others that you have to try to put them down? All the time making fun of the sound of a name, the pronunciation and accent with which he retaliates. I could make fun of your silly accent too, the ‘z' instead of the ‘th' or the ‘v' instead of the ‘w.' Next time I will not hesitate. I think you could take one, or two, even if you're skinny – you could take it right? So spatter your ridicule, it's just swelling my ire, it will burst. You're the real ape.
Collecting dust and rusting up
I haven't been practicing much, and I can feel it in my fingers – they creak and crunch and feel stiff like an old cheap knee replacement. I don't know. I guess if I really did donate some more time to it then things would be a lot better. I just have better things to do, or that's what I have convinced myself to think. Fingers will probably be hard and unusable by the time I am sixty. Actually I'll probably be dead or something, a coma…Doesn't really matter because I'll be old and rusty anyways.
I'm going to be a weird old man
My grandchildren wont think the same way about me as I do about my grandfather. That's not actually a bad thing, but that's just something I think about. Everyone is changing, what kind of effect will that have on the next generations. For instance if I tolerate more than my parents, what will that change in the minds of my children? I guess that's the way that the world has been changing anyways, more or less, so I really shouldn't be worrying about it. Why I'm I thinking of age so much?
Six-Hour Torture under the SUPER V of a teacher
Tomorrow, after six-hours, will it really matter? I will only feel down about it for about an hour and then life goes on. Just like everytime. It's the build-up that creates all the tension. We'd probably all do a lot better without that tension, but explaining that, discussing that, still wouldn't change anything. How much is it really going to effect anything? They said the same about the last ones. I feel like I have learned more from an hour of DVD-extras then a triple lesson of some normal school lessons.
Friday beats yesterday, simple because it's Friday.
Having Friday afternoon off really eases the yesterday's pain. I have a chance to get home and sleep before I get ready to meet my girlfriend and spend the rest of the night at her place. I really can't wait, things are really going well between us, they weren't always, but that is to be expected. Relationship's can't always be perfect. But now things are really going fine. It's only a week till her birthday – I hope that I can get her something that's better than last year. But I got it covered.
Perfection was Saturday Morning
I can remember when saturdays was a great day to look forward too, and it still is, at least the morning. But by the time the night comes I've already got a pit in my stomach and I the only thing I can think of is that I only have one more day until all that school work, that I know I wont do, has to be in. The morning is great though and for a few years I have no fear. Then it was perfect: cartoons, transformers, thundercats, astroboy, tmnt, the real ghostbusters and he-man.
When your finally discovered.
When your finally discovered is isn't all bad, there is that feeling that your chest is under too much pressure, that sick taste in your mouth, even the feeling that you can't push your teeth together hard enough to stop what your feeling. There is also something else, a release, on the other side it's really not that bad. Afterwards the feeling of being free, the rest pasted, along with the sick taste, and sleep comes easy. Now everything is much better. I knew that it didn't really matter, but now I can feel it too.
When hunger strikes, but I can't answer.
I should be more careful with what types of movies I watch. Watching it seemed rather innocent at first, but then as soon as I saw the logo I knew that I was in trouble. There was something happening, and then I saw it, soft and juicy, fresh and tasty, it was perfect, and in less than six-months I could also set my teeth into a perfect, scrumptious, lip-smacking, mouth-watering six-inch sandwhich…again my mouth is watering and I know I would kill for it. Then I know that violence is not the answer
The perfect job, not only getting paid for something that it fun, but getting paid for something that you do naturally anyways and that you would do no matter what you are really doing. Writing about it wouldn't really even be that bad, getting to do some creating yourself. I think that it rates right up there with being filthy rich just by inheritance, testing chips and chocolate bars and being a prince of a stable european country, like monaco or something. It wasn't really a childhood dream but it's something that I really could do. I'm Lazy.
Like I.G. that'd rock
He's practically invincible, no-one could really do anything to him if he could get all those gadgets under control. It would be great to have great big long legs, just think of the possibilities, looking over a crowd, looking in windows. Actually you could be the best kind of criminal if you could master all of that. The police would also never be able to catch you because you could always just yell "Go, Go Gadget Helicopter!" and then the problem is solved. But I think that nothing would really beat flying when you want to.
The proud and the pretentious
I'm so sick of hearing it on the radio and I want to just to take my radio and chuck it out of the window. Everyday there are more lies, they don't even try to hide it, but being apart of the peasent class there is nothing that can really be done. Sure there are things to sign, groups to join, demostrations to attend, but nothing could really be done. No cash? Fine, your opinion doesn't matter anyways. There has always been a power to go against: Greeks, Romans, Nazis, and now its the same.
Wanted to be an animator when I was young. Probably because I was enthralled with the Disney films that I soaked up as a toddler and ever since. At about 10 I guess it started that I wanted to be a professional baseball player. A pitcher actually. I wasn't that bad for my age. I became obsessed with the sport, then for some reason it stopped. Again I wanted to be an animator, and I started taking it a little more seriously, I practised more, took classes, inquired about schools. Funny that, now I barely ever even doodle.
I could have just slept all day
Today was so weird. I didn't really have the energy to do anything. I must have fallen asleep three times on the couch. I went to bed a few times in between movies and slept aswell. I think that my bed is cursed, it doesn't really refresh the person who is sleeping in it – instead it creates an extended feeling of drowsiness and sloth.On the weekend when I want to sleep in that really doesn't matter, just when I have something to do and I lose intrest because I'd rather sleep. Its scarry.
Why I hate living at home
My sister and my mum seem to be against me so much at the moment. The best I can do is not murder the both of them. Its so damn annoying when I hear them whispering, and how they defend eachother when Im trying to have a normal argument with one of them. It's stupid actually. What pisses me off even more is when I ask a question - they don't answer me – I cant explain how much I hate that! And why the devil am I listening to the Care bear theme song!?
Yikes! Procrastination is becoming my FIRST name
Despite trying and all the promises that I make to myself I really havent done anything. I think that I am really in danger of becoming a total lazy bum! I mean I really don't do any homework at the moment (which is really something you shouldn't do at my insane school) especially over a weekend. Even last year I was doing more homework then this, I don't know if I'll really get the diploma I'm shooting for, what's even worst I don't know if I really care anymore about it. About anything.
A mix-up that brought a smile
I was just walking to my girlfriend's house with a take-out turkish kebab and this cute girl on the street stops dead and turns as if she's seen a ghost. More like a long lost love. Or a summer relationship…Anyways, she stops fires a dozen questions at me, but I don't really remember what they were. I just remember the way she was looking at me, she couldn't even speak her first sentence she was in shock – but her eyes showed such happiness and love that I knew it would be my entry today.
If money werent a problem
If I really had all the money in the world I think I would by a really expensives cars, drive them downtown to a really busy intersection and destroy them. Just for the fun, and fun of watching everyone's faces, but also to jack up the prices. I would also by a bunch of arcade games for my house, the stand-up kinds. That'd be cool. Im going to do that anyways. I would also buy the best guitar and smash it on stage for fun – just to prove I could. Yes. that'd be the best.
Oddles Better Than Last Year
The present when over real well. Actually it was perfect. I hide her favourite DVD that I bought for her in a ugly CD case and she opened the present and wondered for about 10 min. who the crappy artist was, then she passed it around to all her friends. When she finally opened the case she screamed and shouted, she still doesn't believe me that the DVD player is on the way. At least now I can rent some real cool movies and watch them at her place on the weekend. Good for both.
What's with chicks and bathing?
Shes been sick and so I thought that it would be better to drop by and give her a visit. I don't really do that because she doesn't quite live around the corner. She was in the bath when I came. It was even better than I had thought I waited in her room but she still wasn't coming. Finally I went and knocked on the door, she called out obviously thinking it was one of her four flat mates, I spoke, she screamed and said she'd be right out. Total surprise. I congradulated myself.
Really ending the month on a bad note
I'm really not in the mood right now, Im feeling kinda depressed. I don't know why its not like my parents have died or I broke my guitar or something really important. I just feeling like lying on the ground. But its too cold there. I tried listening to some Ska cover songs, that usually cheers me up. Didn't work this time. Oh well, I think I'll eat something, cookies, chips. That's also something depressing, there are never any chips here. Then I'll stop caring about life in gerneral. Because it sucks.
The Tip Jar