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That strange feeling that you get only rarely. A feeling of comfort. A homley, welcome feeling. Some people you meet just give you that feeling as soon as you meet them. Its not anything in particular. Not the way they speak, nor the way the act. Just a simple, but indescribable feeling. A good feeling none the less. Its the same thing with everything interpersonal I guess. Some things feel fine, other's feel perfect. There are those who just don't sit 'quite right'. The trick is finding the ones that you are comfortable with, and they are comfortable with you.
Love conquers all. Time heals all wounds. Look before you leap. Life is like a box of chocolates. There seems to be a saying for everything in life now. I don't know, maybe its just me and my anally retentive attention to detail when it comes to writing, but all of these sayings seem to fall down on some technicality. Love conquers all, except heartbreak and betrayal. Time heals all wounds, but the bad memories stay. Box of chocolates? Nope, more like mailbox of letters, good and bad. Then again, maybe they all work, and I'm just a pessimist today.
Hopes and dreams, permeating into reality. Said hopes and dreams, do not manifest. I am left feeling disappointed and downtrodden. These are not out of reach dreams in the everyday sense of reality. By all means they should be more than reachable without too much effort. So why do they still elude me? Such simple ambitions, practically standard. Get a full time job, get an apartment, get a motorcycle, find someone to love with all my heart. Why are such simple goals so hard to achieve. If life is a test, then I think I didn't study enough for it.
Funny how life imitates art. I've seen the scene so many times, in so many movies. But all those movies, no matter how emotionally drawing the plot is, nothing compares to actually living it. There I sat, in the airport departure lounge, enjoying the last few moments with someone I love so much, before hugging them goodbye as they walked through the gates and onto the plane. Today was the first time I have ever had to do that. A range of happiness and sadness. I don't know how I feel at the moment. Apart from emptiness in my heart.
It seems that everyone is emotional at the moment for some reason. My dear friend Natalie called me today to say she really needed to see me because she was upset. We are meeting up on Saturday to drown our collective sorrows. Not the most constructive thing I know, but it's nice to have someone to bitch to. I have often wondered whether there are cycles in the universe that affect all of us. Some more than others, but we all change our behaviour slightly. A giant cosmic joke on us all, to see whether we notice it or not.
Spending time with true friends is really a wonderful thing. Forget romantic love, forget money, forget power. True friends, loving friendship, good company, thats what's important in life. They say the worst thing is watching someone you love, love someone else. That is true in many ways, but it depends on how you love that person. I love my friend Natalie, but nothing makes me happier than to see her blissful with being in love with her partner. That is what i see as real love, to be content with the knowledge that my friends are happy with their lives.
I'm not happy. This stuck in a rut endless cycle is REALLY starting to piss me off. For the past year, I have been trying to move out, trying to have enough money, to have a stable income to move out. I always get half way, even to the point of being a month away from moving into my own place. Then it happens. The stairs I built to climb out of this never ending maze collapse under me, and i fall back to where I started. Money makes the world go round, even though we wish it were love.
A hunch. A woman's intuition. A gut feeling. A feeling in my bones. A revelation. An inkling. These are the names for the primal instinct for forseeing an occurance. In my entire life, my 'gut' feeling has never, ever been wrong. I don't think anyones has. The heart and mind get it sometimes, but place too much emphasis on emotion and logic respectively. The gut just acts on instinct. A throwback from the past, when intuition played a more important role in survival. My gut said my friend would never come back to Sydney. Why is the gut always right?
Its the little things in life that matter. The things we so often over look. Looking up at the stars on a clear night, making faces at a baby and watching it laugh in happiness. Stopping everything for a few moments to listen to the breeze, soaking in the sounds of the world that surrounds us. Remembering a happy memory from the past, and forgetting all the bad ones, even for just a second. All it takes is a few moments to stop, take a breath and experience. That moment can make you feel content. True joy is these things.
Dilemma's and and self generated emotional challenges. I dont think my life would feel right if I didn't have at least one every few weeks. Don't ask me why or how. I just seem to invite and propogate them. Even my friends joke with me that i wouldn't know what relaxation was if it came and bit me on the arse. I always have something to stress or worry about. I guess it keeps me going. Makes me feel like I am doing something, even if i'm not. The curse of having a brain thats always works on over drive.
The thoughts of today have been on the paths of people's lives. People who you meet are, in my belief, not by accident. We meet and know people for a specific reason. Sometimes that reason is not determined until the friendship has run its course. Even then, we may not know why, but people cross paths in life for some reason, whether it is aware to us or not. The more people we meet and converse with, the greater the interpersonal knowledge that cannot be found in books. Life progresses and evolves through communication of other peoples personal life journeys.
Good bye. Those two words can have so many different connotations, depending on the emotion behind it. Sometimes it is said as a reflex to someone leaving. At these times there is almost no feeling, just reaction. Other times, which I have been feeling more often than not lately, the big goodbyes. The one that has raw emotions behind it. The one that hurts to speak it. The one you know is for a long time, or for good. The final goodbye, not knowing if you will see them again. Those goodbyes, which are frequent for me, I cannot stand.
The power of music always astounds me. Some songs can make you cry, others make you smile. Some make you sing and dance, some make you dark and brooding. I have always wondered how music can have such an influence on us. How music can just reach into our souls and touch us so easily. Melodic poetry, whatever you want to call it, music has the power to help us with out emotions, even if it just for the duration of the song. We all have our favourites, depending on our moods. Music has a free pass to our souls.
Saying goodbye is something I hate. But welcoming someone back, even if it is just for a short time, does help redeem that feeling of loss. I welcomed back a friend this evening. I stood in the airport, once again feeling like I was in a movie, but this time I got to welcome her back, with smiles and hugs...the perfect moment. Well....almost. I am happy that she is back...even if it is for an unknown amount of time. But I really yearn for the opportunity to welcome back someone very special to me. The perfect moment I hope for.
I am living proof you should get a second opinion. About a month ago I went to the dentist, he took xrays and said that the enamel on my teeth was getting soft and he booked me into to get it drilled out and have fillings put in. I of course bailed out of the next appointment and never went back there again. So I booked into another dentist and took a copy of my xrays along to her. She looked at them, looked at my teeth, and said they were fine. Don't ever hesitate in getting a second opinion!
Been sitting here, staring at the screen for far too long. I still can't think of anything to write. So, I'll write about not being able to write. My head is full of ideas waiting to come out, but there is something holding them back, which is causing plenty of problems seeing as i have another two sets of 100 words to be up to date. I must admit, i amazed I have made it this far without any difficulty, I thought I would hit the wall way back. Only another 15 sets to go, then I am net published.
The Australian Immigration policy is shit. Total and utter shit. How's this for injustice? I have two South African friends, they have two jobs, University and college diploma's and are both about to finish there degrees. They can't stay here. That isn't enough by immigration apparently. They have until March 2003 to leave the country. Lets just ignore the fact that it is easier to stay here if you arrive illegally by boat than it is for someone who doesn't require ANY support from the government. Excluding that, it is still just plain unfair!! Australia just lost itself another citizen.
Its amazing the difference that emotion can do to songs. Take a great song, with great music, and play it without emotion...it is good, but there is just that 'something' missing. It sounds fine and yet, not what it could be. Insert emotion into it, or a feeling from the past into it, and the song comes alive. Weird and amazing thing that. Something we cannot see, or even hear conciously, instantly strikes a chord with us and just brings life into anything. Singing is not the only thing, acting, poetry, they are all just 'not quite right' without emotion.
For those of you out of there in the midst of the man made universe of the internet, some of you, I obviously have no idea how many, but those of you believe in the existence of the energy in life, Ki, Chi, The Force, whatever you want to call it, it is there, regardless of whether you accept it or not. The past few days have proven its existence ten fold to me. The ability to reach out and actually touch someone who is thousands of kilometers away, and for them to feel your touch, is truly magical.
Love. That thing we all seek, whether we are aware of it or not. So many different descriptions, feelings of love. The only person who can truly know it, are the ones who are in love. No one can describe it properly, it is different for each person, for each heart, for each soul. The invisible bond, more than emotional, the bond that connects our souls together. The unmistakeable warm feeling and the smile of catching yourself thinking of that special someone. Real love, never dies, the real connection is always there, an invisible gateway to another's heart and soul.
I'm not one who likes surprises. I don't know whether it is my curious nature or just general paranoia, but I don't like surprises. Not knowing when something is happening is not a nice feeling usually for me. Except today, I found out what a wonderful surprise feels like. I am now converted, well maybe for only one, but it is more than I could say only a few weeks ago. Finding a piece of mail in my letterbox, from someone I love, and not knowing about it, filled me with warmth as I opened the package. Thankyou my love.
I hate feeling sick. I am not the type of person who gets sick often. I barely even get a cold. If I do, it only lasts a day or so, no matter how nasty it is to other peoples immune systems. I gather I have a strong immune system, but I have nothing to back that up with. But there is one thing that seems to plague me with disturbing regularity, stomach problems. For example, this year I have had food posioning 4 times. The fourth being now. It seems to be my only weakness and I hate it.
I think I have truly mastered my skill of procrastination. Not something to be proud of, but I dont even have to make an effort to get something to drag on for days, knowing full well it should have been done. Take this entry for example. It was not done on the 23rd, it was done on the 27th, I am spending the remainder of the night catching up with things such as this. I think I have too much free time on my hands, so I never do things immediately, knowing I have plenty of time to do it.
I have about 6 weeks left of college. Its going to feel weird not having to go there three times a week, suddenly having that time back. Spoke with a student who just finished and she mentioned that she and her husband were laughing over the fact that they didn't leave the couch for two nights in a row, mainly because those nights had been previously filled with College/University. I still can't imagine what it is going to feel like. First time in two years, suddenly lost my usual routine, again. I'll probably start another course to keep the routine.
I miss her so much. Sitting there, out with my friends, having a great time. Laughing, joking around and generally enjoying ourselves, all I could think about was her. How much I wanted her to be there, to cuddle and kiss, to enjoy my night with. Its sad yes, but I would have enjoyed my night so much more if she was there. We still have so long to wait. December seems like a life time away. But a life time I am more than happy to wait. I will do anything knowing that I will be with her soon.
Am i the only one who feels the conflict between mental and physical being? My physical age is a juvenile 21 years of age. But my mental age, the age at which my brain functions, is in its 30's. This causes tremendous conflict within myself. My brain expects me to on my through my career, engaged or married and well into my life. But my age does not match that at all. This frustrates me to no end. I can only wonder what my mental age will be like when my physical age is in its thirties. Hopefully in sync.
Like music soothes or inspires the soul. Silence calms and revitalises the mind. Total silence is such a rarity these days, that even if it only lasts a few moments, it is unmistakebly peaceful. Nothing seems to match the calming power of total silence. The only thing that comes close is the silence of everything man made and the overwhelming sensation of the noises of nature. Both of these things, which seem almost out of place in todays world. These are the final peaceful places, the home of the unhindered and uninterrupted mind and soul of every single person alive.
The magic words always astounds me. The ability of saying so few words that have so much emotion to them, and those few words can touch someones heart like nothing else. A love letter, written from the heart. When read, this letter immediately reaches out and touches the readers heart in an instant, and conveys the emotion that the writer was feeling when it was composed. Music is the song of the soul, writing is the speech and feelings of a loving and emotional heart, reaching out to those it was inspired from. Thankyou my love, your words touch me.
The heart is one of the most treasured emotional points. We put so much trust in the people we open our hearts to, knowing that they have control over our lives with what they say, and how the act towards us. Many of us, myself included, open our hearts to the wrong people, and are hurt and left broken and empty. It takes more and more trust to open our heart again, to risk the pain we know. Real love, true love is the only thing we should fully open ourselves to , knowing it will be safe and loved.
I am desperately clinging on to the last months of winter. When it is cold, I try to be outside, or to just enjoy the cold while it lasts. The months will trickle into weeks, and then into days, and I will lose my cold friend for another year. In its place will be the unforgiving Australian summer, the 5 months of heat that year after year, I barely survive. I am a cold weather person, through and through, summer's are fine. But not here. Here it gets too hot for me. I ache for the telltale signs of winter.
Despite all the delays, procrastinations and just plain forgetfullness and laziness, I am amazed this is the final entry for my first batch of 100 words. This month has been unusual to say the least, continuing an extremely unusual year which makes me wonder whats in store for me just around the corner. So far things look bright and have no foreseeable possibility of abating anytime soon. The sky is the limit. I missed out on the August batch, but I will almost definitely participate in the September batch. Like a journal, this is inspiring and addictive. Thankyou for reading.
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