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Returneth. Constant procrastination must be avoided. Many months passed since my last batch. Feels like a lifetime has passed with it. I keep coming back here, wanting to start another batch, and find myself leaving without attempting it. I have to push myself to get things done, but dont we all. Just dont push too hard. As for others, I do not know, but for me, crossing the limit lands me in a lot of pain. But knowing where the edge is, well thats the real challenge. Push to the edge, just dont push yourself over it and plummet down.
Not again. This is too frequent. Just over a month since the last attack. I cant go through this again. This pain, why does my stomach do this to me. Another 8 hours in hospital. Thats twice in 6 weeks. This time morphine didn't even stop the pain. 20 hours of it. No, I can't go through it again, I said that last time. And the time before that. Its time to find out what is causing it. But I am scared of the results. I am scared of all the tests.Where did this stomach pain come from anyway? Why???
I cannot even remember this day. My last memory was being taken to hospital and having a drip put in, badly I might add. Then sunday night, all of monday is a loss, or at least nothing but a blur. I am suffering from lost time, it will be a week before my body catches up with itself. The disorientation always gets to me. All I can remember is not being able to walk or even stand up as the painkillers had worn off and I was in a painful recovery. This is the worst its been all my life.
Booked in and signed on for the final exam. Next thursday is it. Once this exam has been completed, I have finally graduated. Another portion of my life shifts towards the future. Not really giving it much thought now, may not even do it, feel like I am delaying the end for some reason. Who knows. It will feel weird, I know that. To have my nights free for the first time in 2 and a half years. At least I will feel completely shifted into my new stream of life. Natural progression into my unknown future. Wish me luck.
Happy that the pain is finally subsiding, really frightened of its next occurrence. It just gets worse and worse. More worried about the procedure to see whats wrong, than the next attack. I am used to the pain now. Just like my intestinal cramps, happens a few times, and my body adjusts to the pain. I barely even notice the cramps. But this stomach problem is something different, something far more serious. Everyone I know is concerned for my well being, now more than ever. It has to be resolved, before its far too late. I shall heed their worries.
Well I did it. I had a lucky streak this afternoon. Three small winning scratchies, inspired me to attempt the test I was not sure about. I passed. I have finished my course. The diploma is mine. It feels like a lifetime ago I started this course. In many ways it was. I have changed so much in these two and half years. My memories seem like someone elses life. I have begun putting photos from my life on my apartment wall to remind me of the life I have had thus far. Its me, and yet, not me anymore.
It feels strange to not be at college anymore, and yet at the same time, its as if it had nevver happened. I was ready for the feeling of needing to be at college on Tuesday and Thursday nites, but this also has not happened. I think I have already moved on mentally, as I tend to do before things have actually happened. Probably why nothing surprises me anymore. But in the same context, nothing can shock me or take me off guard either. Pre-emptive preparation does have its advantages that tend to outweigh the disadvantages. So far at least.
Looks like I will have to do the work experience. Called the college today, and what I had been told about being able to have it omitted because of past experience is not viable nor possible in being used to omit the work experience. So I was essentially lied to, or at the least completely misinformed. I am worried about how I am expected to pay rent and bills when I have to work somewhere for a month with no pay on a full time roster. Then again college wouldn't care whether or not people can afford to survive it.
Oh dear, I have to have a meeting with the Field Site Training people on monday morning. Morning, my most hated time of the day. I have to actually communicate to other people at 9am for the meeting. Somehow I think I am going to be very quiet and unresponsive. Afterall, my brain wont wake up until about 10am, if that. I just want to get this work experience crap over and done with so I can go back to getting PAID for work. Bills dont pay themselves afterall, nor does the rent. Well we sometimes wish they all did.
Urg. Morning, it doesn't get any worse. My body is not designed to get up this early, especially seeing as I have barely slept. Insomnia and early mornings do not mix well. The meeting went ok, I just nodded and agreed, just so I could get out of there and shut off my brain and go home to sleep. Of course as always, I went home and couldn't sleep. I never can. My body craves sleep, but it doesn't want to when it has the chance. Whats the deal?? Of course my body wants to sleep when I cant. Bleh.
First day of work, about 3 hours sleep. The morning nearly killed me, and i have a month of this! The job is fairly dull, installing software on computers, nothing that I would call experience. Add to the boring job a manager who has no people skills and a REAL short temper and you have an annoying workplace. Lets hope things get better or I will go nuts. It wouldn't be so bad if I was getting paid for this work, but I am not so it well sucks royally. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it either.
Second day was dull and boring. It looks like it is the same every damn day. Hopefully time will pass quickly. I just realised my birthday is in 5 days. I am pretty much over birthdays this year. Its my 22nd, so it just sort of passes by. Everyone has an 18th, and they celebrate their 21st but after that its just another birthday. Well it is to me. As long as I hear from my friends I will be happy. Especially after having to work on my birthday in this place. Letting it pass seems like a good idea.
Valentines day tomorrow. I have always been kind of pessimistic about them, mainly because they have never been really happy days for me, or I have been with the wrong person. This year I am not sure, maybe things will be better. Marni and I are very happy together, the happiest I have been in a long time, and we both bring out such positive things in each other. I will do what I do best and see how things turn out tomorrow. Now to find something for dinner to go with the red wine for tomorrow. Choices, choices, choices.
Well the day was a downer, was at work of course, but the night was the best I have ever had. I find it highly ironic that two people who hate things such as today, could be so happy being together and living the hallmark moment. We make ourselves sick, we really do. But honestly, I was very happy the way this evening went. Out of all the possible permutation that could have transpired, a really nice one occurred. You never know, maybe today has changed my attitude about valentines day, or maybe it was just with the wrong person.
Suddenly weekends have a meaning to me again, the chance to sleep in and relax, DO NOTHING. Well that is what I wanted, of course it doesn't happen when we want it does it? Cue phone calls, house chores and parents ringing me up and needing favours. At least I dont live with them anymore. The weekends were unbearable with them. Never ending chaos, seems peace and quiet were non existent in their neurotic lives. Next weekend, I am taking the phone off the hook and turning my phone to silent. Please read DO NOT DISTURB. Of course they will.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I am not even remotely excited. It is starting to worry me that I am getting on and I still feel like I have not done much with my life. Listen to me, I sound like I am 50, I am only turning 22. But I still feel as if I have wasted so much time. My mind has always been at least 10 years ahead of my physical age. So to me turning 22 , I feel as if I am turning 30. I want my career, even a salaried job would do me nicely.
The friends priority list shuffles around once again. I dont ask much from my friends, and my friends know they are number one in my life, no matter what. But there are things that will make them slip down the priority list. One has rocketed up to the high end of the list, while others have nearly fallen off the list entirely. Over a dozen friends, and only 3 phone calls on my birthday. I know its not a big deal this year, but I would have still liked a call from people I put much of my life into.
Funny how planning can be thrown into chaos so easily. I had planned and paced for each set of 100 words to be completed by the due date. Instead, I lose my internet connection and have now been left with 11 sets to do in one night. Then again, its not like this has never happened to me before. Highschool was rife with last minute work. Strangley enough, that was usually my best work. Leaving it to a short amount of time, difficult but possible, and the job always worked out great. Pressure just makes me work harder and faster.
Ok, that really hurt. But I am not spooked. Well much. Lesson to be learned by all, dont grab onto a fence while rollerblading. I have never seen that much blood come from me before. My poor roomate was sick at the site of what was left of the pad of my index finger. Oh well, another fingerprint disfigured permanently. So much for keeping safe. I did my best honest!! Was just a natural reaction to grab onto something to stop. It was just a shame that it was a wire fence with wire sticking out from it. Ouch indeed.
Work experience bites. It really does. Ok ok, so it all adds up in the future but this?? Taking constant shit for other peoples mistakes, watching employees lose their minds and start smashing things? Being the eternal scapegoat for every problem?? Who needs that experience? The only thing I have learned from this place is the ability to understand why my fellow workers lose it several times a day. I don't know how someone could stay there as long as some people have. I would have quit within a month. I am on work experience and I want to resign.
I am starting to become nervous about my hospital appointment. I know its general anasthetic so I wont even be concious for it but I cant help but be nervous. I guess I worry that there is something seriously wrong with my stomach. The dreaded fear of cancer we all have. Either that or its that fact that I have to have cameras in me. Ick, not a pleasant thought I agree. Either way, it has to be done, so I wont have to worry anymore. With any luck they may solve my stomach problem too. But I doubt that.
Ever have those days when EVERYTHING seems to go wrong? Yeah? Well I just had one of those days. Get up for work experience I hate, burn my hand on the coffee, again. Run for the bus, bus is full of bastard school kids, bus does not stop. Walk up and down the highway waiting for a taxi. No taxi arrives. Decide to rollerblade to work. Going well, then it starts raining heavily. Take off blades, walk in the pouring rain the rest of the way to work. Arrive late, get blamed for everything. I should have stayed in bed.
Been thinking that a lot of this batch has been me bitching about something or another. I am not that ill tempered or moody actually. Just for some reason I have had a need to vent this month. Nothing really apart from the norm, actually this has been a pretty good month apart from the work experience. But for some reason I have a lot to vent. I really should stop being so whiny, I know it cant be anything but annoying with a hint of amusement. Just irriatable this month. Dont ask me why. But I will behave here.
Push. Push. Must keep going. Just churned out 7 sets of 100 words, but I am not as creative as I usually am. This is a bad thing. I am having so many problems keeping the momentum of my book going, but it is forever stop and start. I really want to finish this book, but it has so far to go. Two chapters, about 30 pages. It has barely begun. Its all inside me, I just need to get it out and into its literary form. Those complex primary characters, that thick winding plot. Must keep going. Push. Push.
Its strange. I have lived in this apartment for nearly 6 months. The lease has been in my name for coming on two months. But I still get the realisation that I live here, that this is my home. Nothing triggers it, I just have this sudden realisation that this is my apartment. This is my home. Its a nice feeling to have a place of my own. To be honest, living with my parents didn't feel like home. I felt like I was just a visitor. But here it is so much different. This is my apartment, my home.
Thats 9 sets. Only three more sets to go. Had a sudden thought that I might have repeated myself in some of the sets for this month. I hope I haven't. My brain is such a maze of pathways I doubt I would run over the same topic too often. The amount of inane chatter, the dozen lines of thought all running concurrently, its a miracle I can keep track of it all. I don't have a short memory problem, I just change tracks so quickly that short term memory becomes a criss crossed mess of information. Bare with me.
The dreaded memories from the past. I know I am only encouraging them by listening to this music, but I dont care. I like this music. Music, like places, have memories attached to them. But like places, i am determined to reclaim those songs that were so much of my past. Ignore the past, enjoy and embrace the present. Grudges on the other hand. No matter how much people tell me are bad for me, I cannot let go. I hold grudges for a very very long time. Its just part of my nature. A darker side of my personality.
Once again, I scrape under the wire of the 100 words time frame. Once again I surprise myself in my ability to generate such a volume of information that quickly. As I said earlier, pressure makes me work harder and faster. But only to a point. Everyone has their breaking point, their personal limit. Fortunately this months batch was a fair few hours off breaking point for me. Unlike last time. I will not wait so long to write another. I look forward to keeping my brain working creatively and to a time frame. But not as crammed next time.
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