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BY vickith

04/01 Direct Link
Just lying here as usual. Flat out on my stomach. Cat on my shoulders. Wheat bag on my lower back. Man I love that heat. I'm trying to focus and get into this. But somehow it just feels artificial. I don't want this writing to appear forced. But I think it is. Oh well at least I remembered to do it. I guess the big test will be to see if I remember tomorrow. Geez I wish that cat would settle down. Eighteen pounds on the shoulders is not the most comfortable thing. Especially when he needs his claws trimmed.
04/02 Direct Link
You know I really shouldn't be here right now. If everything was going as it should I would be riding my bike. Oh well at least I got to ride yesterday. I haven't figured out if this is supposed to be creative or not. Or is just whatever comes out of your fingers? I'll just go with the flow and hopefully something comes out. Not much on the agenda today. Chilling out and then going to watch some races. Man I'm sick of all the promos for the Canada Russia series. 1972 was a long time ago - let it drop.
04/03 Direct Link
The heyday of the weekend is over. Sometimes the weekend seems to drag on forever but now with the nice weather it is over so quickly. The time change didn't help matters. Still not sure what the deal is with the clock changing thing. Where I grew up we don't bother with changing the clocks. Weird. I'm not totally excited to be here today. I have to leave early for a massage - should I come back afterwards or just go home and have a nice afternoon and evening? If I do that then I will have to work later tomorrow.
04/04 Direct Link
The day started out great. And then I got to work. Grrr is all I have to say. I just don't get people sometimes. All it takes is a little bit of thought. Whatever, it isn't a big deal but these little things can really get to me sometimes. I know I need to let it go because holding in this anger is not doing me any good. Okay, good I've got that out of my system. Now I can go on with my day and think only sunny happy thoughts. The anger is gone. Phew I feel lighter already.
04/05 Direct Link
I'm thinking of taking this thing a whole entire route. Instead of writing my thoughts down maybe I'll start working on a short-story. It might work out better for me. The problem with me and short stories is that I'm not sure how to finish them off. I have a lot of short stories that are three quarters of the way done. I've been looking around for some creative writing classes. I think I'll have to wait until the winter. I'm too busy in the spring and summer with biking. I also have the cheapeats thing that will start soon.
04/06 Direct Link
She sat and stared at the keyboard. Her gaze drifted to the blank screen. To her notes on the desk. She waited. Patiently. Nothing happened. Sigh. Nothing out of the ordinary I suppose. Same old same old. Isn't this what she had been warned about? She never thought it would happen to her. She was above it. Stronger than the nothingness that was slowly but surely overwhelming her creativity. She fought. Oh how she fought it. She did research on writing and creativity. She planned. She wrote outlines. She had a quiet space and time to devote to her craft.
04/07 Direct Link
But still nothing. Just blankness. She had started to wonder if this really is her craft. It's a scary feeling when self-doubt creeps in. She has always had this little voice in her head telling her that she can't do it. When things were going well she could block it out and just type merrily away. But now there is nothing. Silence booms from the keyboard. And that little voice? It is getting louder and louder. She is actually starting to feel a little bit crazy. All she wants is a goddamn idea. Is that too much to ask for?
04/08 Direct Link
Saturday already. I relish the weekends so much. This backfires sometimes though. I don't want to waste the precious time away from the office so I often jam the weekend full of activities. Ah well, better than staring at a blank screen and silent keyboard. Yes on the weekend she gives herself a break from the gloom of being a real professional writer. Suppose if she knew what she was doing she wouldn't have switched to the first person. Oh well, not like the grammar police are reading this. And if they are - too bad. Hmmm, what to do first?
04/09 Direct Link
This is coming a day late. Yep, I forgot. Had a very busy day and the 100 words literally slipped my mind. I hate it when this happens. You see I'm not a person who is late or forgets. If anything I'm always early and overly efficient. Oh well, I suppose I had good reasons to forget. A three hour bike ride and a crazy dog made the day over the top. I'm at the point now when I'm wondering how many words I've written. Usually I have to trim but today I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. Sigh.
04/10 Direct Link
Only three days to my birthday. I love my birthday. I typically can't help telling people when my birthday is and talking about it. But today I really don't care. I'm feeling a bit off today so maybe that's why I'm not pumped up for the big day. Maybe it is the environment here. Maybe it is me. I'm not totally satisfied with life right now so perhaps thinking about another year passing is too much for me. Don't get me wrong I'm not unhappy I just see myself doing so much more. I need to make myself do more
04/11 Direct Link
Two days until my birthday. Guess I'm getting more excited about it. Just looking forward to going for a nice ride on Thursday and relaxing supper. We are on the road on Friday as we are racing on Saturday. First race of the season!! I'm totally nervous. I'm trying to use my power mantras to calm down. I know I'm strong and I've been training hard so it will be okay. There are some strong racers in the field but they are not in my category. Have to make it through the hills with the pack and I'll be okay.
04/12 Direct Link
I feel the start of some exciting ventures. Getting into doing more writing. Nothing major but for me writing is writing. Looks like it will be a good summer. Busy but good. Going to be racing my bike, training and doing lots of different types of writing. Still need to get my writing plan sorted out though. I have a training plan so why not a writing plan? This will help me stay focused and motivated. Went for a great ride yesterday -so nice to have bare legs and arms for a change. First race is on Saturday. I'm ready.
04/13 Direct Link
The big day is here. So what. I don't know why I bother getting excited. Every year is a bigger disappointment. Somehow I think the disappointment from the previous year will be erased with something huge this year. And every year I'm disappointed. So from now on I vow not to get excited. It's just another day. And that is that. This way I won't be disappointed and I won't have to feign excitement. Well, today I tried to be selfish and speak up about how I feel and that totally backfired. Now I feel worse. Getting older sure sucks.
04/14 Direct Link
Ah, a day off. Perfect. Just what I need. Nothing too big planned. Bike race on Saturday and then chillaxing on Sunday. I'm at a bit of a loss for words today. This is very unusual for me. As you know if you have been reading my journal entries. Is journal the right word? I don't know. I'm amazed at how many people participate in this. I definitely do not want to be one of the people who doesn't last the whole month. I actually think this weekend will end up being busier than I really want. This is typical.
04/15 Direct Link
Exhausted. That's what I am. Had the first race of the season today. Pleasantly surprised myself by lasting a lot longer in the main pack than I or anyone else expected. Learned that I really need to take in some calories while riding. Oh well, chalk it up to experience. Despite the wind and the long wait I had a fun time. With the exception of the aching quads and twisted stomach that is. The drive home was uneventful, it just seemed to take forever. Tomorrow we are skipping a family event. How awful of us. We will have fun.
04/16 Direct Link
The more I see people and experience north American culture, I become dismayed. Maybe it's not just north American culture. I'm not sure. But whatever it is, it's disturbing. People are lazy and expect everything to be handed to them on a platter. Everywhere I see people trying to get more than they deserve. Parking in no parking spots, expecting favors because they are overweight, and just generally being ugly. Okay enough of the rant. It is Easter Sunday after all. I should try and be a little bit charitable. We going for a long ride and enjoy the sun.
04/17 Direct Link
Feel like starting fresh. It's a new year for me so why not? But where to start? That is the biggest question. I still need to get cracking with my writing plan. Hopefully I'll be able to do that tonight. Then I will have some focus. It will help me get myself scheduled. Of course if you read in a couple of weeks that I still need to do my writing plan, we know I have a problem. I'm still not sure if I should be journaling here or writing some kind of story. I writing whatever comes to me.
04/18 Direct Link
First crit of the summer. It went okay. But could have been better. I have to work on my positioning in the pack. Last year I figured this out. But this year I basically forgot everything. Oh well no biggie, there is another race next week. Each week is a learning opportunity. The busy season has just started. Pretty much every weekend we'll be going to a race somewhere in Montreal. And then racing here mid-week every week until September. Then we'll have cyclo-cross racing. This will be another 14 to 16 weeks. Fun and more fun. I'm not crazy.
04/19 Direct Link
Man I'm tired. Really tired. So tired I could sleep. I've had this terrible feeling before. And then I got sick. Really sick. Almost in the hospital hooked up to crazy machines with hovering nurses and doctors sick. I know I am close because of the sudden fatigue. And my tongue. My tongue feels burnt. You know that feeling from drinking hot tea. That sudden regret when your tongue feels all funny and burnt. I've had that for two days. I thought it was the cinnamon gum. Sometimes cinnamon gum makes my tongue numb. Not this time. Time for iron.
04/20 Direct Link
Yeesh almost forgot today. End of the day for me. Tired but not as tired as yesterday. My tongue is coming around slowly. Slowly but surely. Took some iron yesterday. I will have more today. Problem is the prune supplementation. Not a big fan but not much choice really. So glad Friday is tomorrow. Last day of the work week and a rest day. Might buy a barbecue tonight so this is exciting. I'll have to fire it up on the weekend. Keep your fingers crossed. Today I don't feel like a writer. More like a typist. Write writing plan.
04/21 Direct Link
It feels like I've gotten nothing accomplished. Spent most of the day copying files from one machine to another. On the upside it's Friday. Buying a barbecue tonight. Totally stoked. Sadly I'll be barbecuing in the garage since we don't have a patio or deck. Maybe next summer. Seems like somethings just keep getting put off. I might get some paving stones or some kind of raised wood structure to put the barbecue on. This could work. Might get the backyard set this weekend. Found the perfect one at Ikea. I have to do the newsletter. Phew I'm tired already.
04/22 Direct Link
What a day. It's over so fast it's hard to believe it even started. A day of accomplishments. Long ride done early. Put together a barbecue for the first time. Cleaned my bike. This before the middle of the afternoon. A few solid hours at the coffee shop allowed me to get the newsletter close to done. May not seem like a lot to you but for me it is. If I'm not careful I can end up wasting time at the coffee shop. Today was good. Tomorrow will be even better. And so will the day after that. Future.
04/23 Direct Link
I was going really well there for a while. And then it all fell apart. Got busy I guess. Busy is good but not when there isn't time for words. Oh well never mind, I'm on the catch-up track now. Just doing my best to type when the feeling is right. Or is it write? I wish I could write poetry. I would like to do it but I just don't have a grasp for the form. The form is what you make it. As I understand it. Who knows I could be a poet and not even know it.
04/24 Direct Link
Back again. But I haven't been gone that long. Nope. Sort of been lurking around here for a while now. I've read some other entries and they all seem to have a style and panache that I'm lacking. Am I lacking this or is it my writing? Do you sense some insecurity lately? I do and I think it is because I'm working on a project that will see the light of day on Friday. I think it has turned out pretty good. But who knows what other people will think. I'm struggling with the we and I thing lately.
04/25 Direct Link
I swear I'll never let this happen again. It's so unlike me. I'm the organized one. The one on top of it all. But I tell you sometimes I'd just like to let everything slide. Slip slide away into a big slushy pile. Something I could just step over and pretend wasn't even there. Sort of like I do with the laundry some days. There are days when I feel like I'm on a merry go-round and can't get off. It keeps spinning and spinning and everything is just a blur. Am I the only one who feels like this?
04/26 Direct Link
I had the best of intentions. But you know how it is. The work day was busy and the fun day was even busier. Sigh. What's a girl to do? I'll just have to press on. Wow I'm sounding a bit like my grandmother. She is 94. Sometimes I feel sorry for her because she is alone and must be sad. But then I feel happy for her because she is 94 and in good health. I don't know if I want to live to 94. I used to think 75 was enough. I'm starting to reconsider that number. 76?
04/27 Direct Link
Yes, I'm getting it done on time. What a day. Got my work-out done and am sitting here at work. I feel like the world is my oyster. I can do anything today. Well that is after I've finished work and gone home and emptied the dishwasher, done a load of laundry, cooked some supper and tidied up. Then I can do whatever I want. I feel so lucky. Chances are I'll end up flaking out. The Senators are playing after all. Oh and I have to break-in the barbecue. Boy who knew adulthood would be so damn exciting? Future.
04/28 Direct Link
Ahh the weekend. Just sitting here. Not much on deck. Mostly some typically suburban activities on Saturday. House stuff. Yoga. Cycling. Chilling. Sunday is race day. So that will be fun. I've booked Monday off. I'm looking forward to a day to myself. Just want to relax. I feel a tremendous weight off my shoulders now that the newsletter is out. Not sure when the next one wil go out. Probably in six weeks or so. It takes a while to collect the content. Still need to do that writing plan. Gee this is a whole lot of nothing today.
04/29 Direct Link
Coming to the end of this. Not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed. Maybe I'll do this again. Problem is that I'm not doing any other writing now. I'm usually good for one or two stabs at creative writing. Mind you I guess I've been pretty busy with the newsletter as well. Hopefully they won't be as time-consuming. Still have to get to that writing plan. Almost feel like I need to write a plan to write the plan. Hmm, maybe I'm experiencing procrastination? Well, next week it is going to happen. Don't know what it is, but it will happen.
04/30 Direct Link
Phew, last one. I've been thinking about this last post. Maybe this is why I'm two days late with posting. Bad. Very bad. Sorry, had a day off and didn't feel like looking at a computer. Sunday was spent driving to a bike race, bike racing, and then driving home from said bike race. A good but long day. Not sure if this is what I really had in mind for my penultimate post on this site. But this is as good as it's going to get today. One suggestion, go see "Thank You for Smoking". You won't regret it.