REPORT A PROBLEM
I like video games. I like geeky things. I like taking apart things and putting them back together. I like watching cartoons that I can't understand from foreign countries. I like looking at video cards I can't afford on amazon.com and I subscribe to slashdot. I think that penny-arcade is really funny, at least most of the time. I grew up reading fantasy novels. I think that the RIAA is stupid. I have Lord of the Rings posters all over my walls and I want to buy shirts that say, "got r00t?" on them. Does that make me a stereotype?
I read exactly two Babysitter's Club books when I was ten years old. I wasn't fond of them. The first was about a girl having some sort of ghost cat in her attic, which actually turned out to be a, well, white cat. I think that I stole it from the school library. The other I can't even remember. On TV there are all these shows about babysitters having amazing adventures concerning Ominous Doom. Where did people get that idea? When I babysit I watch Full House and drink grape Gatorade. Babysitters don't save the world very often, I think.
I absolutely despise…well. I'm not entirely sure, to tell you the truth. I was hoping to start off with a bang, but that isn't going to work. I'm not very good at writing pretentious introspective metaphorical hunks of word. Or, at least I wouldn't show them anyone. Because that would be rather embarrassing. Honestly. It tends to bother me. This entry doesn't have much of a point, does it? But I'm a few days behind, and that's bad. So I'm being an idiot to make up for it. Of course.. I'm approaching this project a little too much like Nanowrimo…
One Hundred Words a Day. It is now a little late to catch up, but I should try, right? It's sort of stupid, you know. Batch Batch Batch. Maybe I should try again, but not until February, because if I started now I'd still be behind. So I guess I'll talk about Coke Music. Except not, because Coke Music is sort of evil. I guess. Though me and Sarah play sometimes. Because it's sort of funny. Who wants a virtual girlfriend? Kind of weird. Kind of pointless, you know? I don't know. This is pointless. FIVE MORE GOD DAMN WORDS.
Sucky sucky ten dollar me love you long time. A phrase that will live in infamy. Forever. Whether you like it or not. Jack Bauer's just too cool for you. Along with Chase Who Has No Surname. Woe is him. You know, this entry really isn't supposed to make sense. Maybe making it make sense would be a not bad thing. Double negatives annoy me, especially when it's like and then she didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't go to the store and buy a cantalope. I mean, could you just say that she didn't go? Honestly.
I am very annoyed that they have decided to make a Rugrats: All Grown Up television programme. This is very upsetting. My childhood memories of staring blankly at a television screen have been mangled beyond redemption. Rugrats is not Rugrats if the children can actually speak to other people. This is all a conspiracy to make Rugrats more sympathetic to hip. Chucky with hormones is *disgusting*. Now, instead of braving basements, the Rugrats deal with *dating*. I feel like boycotting, but it is like a train wreck and I cannot look away. Plus, I do not have a Nielsen box.
"Hannah," people ask me, "Being one of the top runners for presidient in the 2004 elections, what do you want for christmas? I am in awe of your shining brilliance and undisputed grace!" I flutter my eyelashes at them in a very attractive manner. I absolutely hate asking for christmas presents, because I am a very humble person. "Well," I tell them, my voice low. "I really want world peace. But I would also like Buffy the Vampire Slayer season four." Then we run off to chop down trees in normal pagan tradition and decorate them with small ceramic reindeer.
Yesterday I read a scary story. On livejournal. Figures. Anyway, this story was in a community that worshiped Duran Duran. Do not ask me why. I don't know. There was a woman who had the divine privledge of having lunch with their singer. She was posting to this community, very upset, because she forgot to steal his water bottle afterwards. It had his spit on it. Very precious. However, the strangest thing about this was that she kept referring to herself as a "grandmother". It soon came clear that your 87 year old grandma, too, may be a rabid fangirl.
Napoleon was born on August 15th, 1769, and died on May 5th, 1821. He grew up to be one of the greatest military leaders of all time. Napoleon began his education in 1778 at Autun, and afterwards attended school in Brienne. There he excelled at science and mathematics. He next studied at the Ecole Militaire in Paris for a year, and was later commissioned into the artillery in 1785. From there he began his slow rise through the military. The beginning of the French Revolution presented a great time of opportunity for Napoleon's advancement. OLD SCHOOL PAPER. FILLER STUFF. YAYFORPROCRASTINATION.
Two little boys are outside my house. Cathy was getting a DVD from my room, and she saw them because there's a pond right outside my window. I don't know why they're there now, though. The pond's all frozen over because it's winter. Anyway, Cathy said that when they saw her, they hid behind a bush. Little bastards. It's probably Cole, that little boy I babysit for. According to her, they're standing on the goddamned pond. I should probably get them to get off, because if the ice breaks they are DEAD. Uh-oh. I dunno, man. Little boys are scary.
The Rose Bride. Once upon a time years and years ago, there was a little princess who was very said, because her parents had died. Before the princess appeared a traveling prince, riding upon a white horse. He had a regal bearing and a kind smile. "Little one," he said, "who bears up alone in such deep sorrow. Never lose that strength or nobility, even when you grow up. I give you this to remember this day. We will meet again. This ring will lead you to me, one day." Perhaps the ring he gave her was an engagement ring.
I'll cut that rose from your chest with a single stroke. Oh, yes, Baby. You've lit the fire of my heart. I swear, honey, the demonic rat did it! I was searching for Ultimate Apocalypse! Really! Okay, there was, like, the Prince of Dios, but he was a dumbass. Like the rat! Your ass isn't dumb. It is smart! I'm cloning, like the Andromeda Strain! Dios mio. Haha, I made a pun. "My parents stopped asking me why I buy things a long time ago." Like gay porn! Just kidding. But I'm not going. I won't know anyone there. ONE.
I can write 3000 words daily. I used to do it all the time. In November, anyway. Wouldn't it be awesome to be Pinky and/or the Brain? I mean, you get a theme song. I think my next entry will lyrics from said song, if it fits. Anyway. I mean, you get to be a rat. That's not too great- the only episode I ever saw was when they were lab rats and trying to escape. But a talking rat, man. That'd be awesome. It would also be awesome to meet them, because I think Pinky is a Freakin' Hipster.
13 is the day of my birthday. September. 13 is the name of a disturbing movie about thirteen year olds and evil things. 13 is considered unlucky. 13 is today, and the number of 13-descriptions in this entry. 13 is the number of pillowcases in my closet. 13 is the year you become a teenager. V. Big Deal. 13 isn't today. I lied (and messed up.) 13 is Apollo's Number. 13 is like 1x3, but without the x. 13 is the number of ghosts. 13 is no match for 888888. 13 is a prime number. 13 is alive, and hungry.
I don't like Barry Manilow. But it's funny when Dave Barry makes fun of him. Seriously. He's like Jesus, in a way. barry manilow is a master showman who makes each lyrical passage an intimate gift to his fans. barry manilow is the single most talented musician to ever walk the earth. barry manilow is back with a vengeance. barry manilow is popular sport among those desperate to appear cool. barry manilow is the musical antichrist. barry manilow is. Also, googlism. It can be really metaphysical. I am too lazy to fix the capitals. What a capital excuse. Ha ha.
OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! OH GOD, THE POWER! <3 <3, the MASTER
I'm trying to make up my 100 words entries, if that wasn't obvious. So now I shall give you lyrics to Pinky and the Brain. They're Pinky and The Brain Yes, Pinky and The Brain One is a genius The other's insane. They're laboratory mice Their genes have been spliced They're dinky They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain Brain. Before each night is done Their plan will be unfurled By the dawning of the sun They'll take over the world. (…) They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain Narf!
"Hannah," people ask me, "as a top candidate for president in the 2004 elections, what do you want?" I think about that. It's kind of a weird question. "Well," I tell them, "I'd like to be a little balloon man." And they go away, ‘cause I'm just being silly. But really. Wouldn't it be neat, living in a balloon? Ever since I read The Twenty-One Balloons, I thought it would be really neat to live in a balloon. That little dude sure had fun. But it was living on Krakatoa that did it for me- up until it blew up.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. [the usual "24" logo]
The following takes place between 7:00 PM, and 8:00 PM. Events occur in real time.
Jack Bauer: Chase, I have something to say. I know that I am stuck in a terrorist headquarters acting as the subordinate of Ramon Salazar while he dances with cheap Mexican hookers, but…
Chase With No Surname: Fine. I'll listen to you, but make it quick!
Jack Bauer: Chase, I love you. Sucky sucky ten dollar me love you long time!
Chase: Oh, Jacko!
Chloe: [enters] Alas, I am your REAL nemesis…in the neck!
To be continued.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP. [the usual "24" logo appears]
The following takes place between 8:00 PM and 9:00 PM. Events occur in real time.
Chase: [gasp] You!
Jack Bauer: You suck.
Chloe: I know… in the neck. [snickers] I am CTU's real mole- Gael provided me with a diversion, and I have returned to my onetruelove, Ramon!
Chase: Kim will save me!
Jack and Chloe: [stare at him] Uh. Sure.
[All of a sudden, in comes Kim with a band of toothless cougars! They proceed to gum Chloe to death… in the neck, which is alarming.
Jack Bauer: Kim, honey, WHERE'S THE BOMB!??
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP. [the usual 24 logo]
The following takes place between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM. Events occur in real time.
Kim: Daddy, I don't know where the bomb is!
Jack Bauer: TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!
Chase: Sorry Jack, I don't really love you. Oops! Let's get out of here.
Jack: [sighs] I'm gonna need a hacksaw. [acquires hacksaw] Rock and roll, baby!
Chase and Kim: …
Jack Bauer: <333 hacksawzzzz!!!!!!^_^_^__^LOL!1
Kim: Oh no, Jack has been possessed by a twelve year old AOL user.
Jack Bauer: a/s/l??? hot pics 4 u!
TO BE CONTINUED.
The following takes place between 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM. Events occur in real time.
Jack Bauer: My name is federal agent Jack Bauer and today… is the longest day of my life.<333
Tony and Michelle: [arrive] We've destroyed the terrorists with the power of love!
Jack Bauer: ^_^__^ KAWAIII!!!
Chase: He's been possessed by a 12-year-old-AOL-user.
Tony-and-Michelle: Oh. That tends to happen in these terrorist encampments. We'd better call the Palmers!
Kim: Those wacky folks can cure him!
President-David-Palmer-and-Wayne-and-Anne: Indeed Kim! [perform exorcism]
Jack Bauer: Whatthefuck?
THE END UNTIL SEASON 5.
Right now, I am looking at a CGI picture of the Apocalypse. The moon crashing into the earth. It's kind of scary, because I think everyone's a little scared of earth being obliterated by a bit of enormous rock. It seems so inevitable. The description is: "The point when all life ends, and the very beginning to when life can start once more." Everything that is and ever was and ever will be being wiped out at a point. A single second in the history of everything, and bam. No more newborns or watching sunsets. Think about what you want.
When I went to googlism a few seconds ago, e I ntered my nameand got one result: "hannah ryan is the mother of two adorable little girls and the wife of a doting husband". I don't know whether to be insulted, or what. That sounds like the most boring life ever. I feel sorry for the other Hannah Ryan, but maybe she's actually a secret agent working for the CIA. Who knows. It sounds pretty ordinary, though. I think inevitable things are the scariest, like college. College scares the crap out of me, even if I really want to go.
I like Christmas, even if a lot of people think it's stupid. It's that happy consumer spirit. Hurray for capitalism! Profina. Make the call, and get back in charge of your life today. I remember reading this page, on a European news site, that predicted the news for the next 50 years. They had all these news articles- they did it at the turn of the millennium (doesn't that sound crazy.), so it's pretty inaccurate (World celebrates 100 years of peace!), but it was the fake diary they made that really was… crazy, and kind of sad, for some reason.
"They were flying. The weights fell off; there was nothing to bear. They laughed and held on tight, feeling the cold slap of wind and altitude, soaring, thinking It's over, I'm gone! - they were naked. They were light and free-it was all lightness, bright and fast and buoyant, light as light, a helium buzz in the brain, a giddy bubbling in the lungs as they were taken up over the Clouds and the war, beyond duty, beyond gravity and mortification anti global entanglements -Sin loi! They yelled, I'm sorry, motherfuckers, but I'm out of it, I'm goofed…" (continued below)
"…sailing; that big silver freedom bird over the mountains and oceans, over America, over the farms and great sleeping cities and cemeteries and highways and the Golden Arches of McDonald's. It was flight, a kind of fleeing, a kind of falling, falling higher and higher, spinning off the edge of the earth and beyond the sun and through the vast, silent vacuum where there were no burdens and where everything weighed exactly nothing. Gone! I'm sorry but I'm gone! And so at night, not quite dreaming, they gave themselves over to lightness, they were carried, they were purely borne." –TheThingsTheyCarried,TimO'Brien.
Y'know the people who voice those commercials for products that are "not sold in stores!"? I always used to think that they were all voiced by the exact same person. It's always a slightly gruff sounding man with a deep voice saying, in really hip, casual voices, "HoverDisk can fly, bounce, and float! Hoverdisk is totally cool! BUY!" And they always have blue screens. Does anyone buy those? Someone must. There's already a Kidz Bop 5, I think, which is sort of scary because that means people actually ordered 1, 2, 3, and 4. It's the end of the world.
Firefly is the best show ever. Everyone should watch it, and be enlightened. It's a western/sci-fi/humor/angst/action thing written by Joss Whedon. What else do you people want? Well. For it to still be on the air, for one. I have the DVDs, but the thing was cancelled after the first episode because Fox is a breeding ground for idiots, apparently. It didn't get good ratings, you idiots, because you put it on at 9:00 on a Friday night and played the episodes in the wrong damn order. Anyone who's ever watched a TV knows that that is stupid. You'd think…
"Your download has succeeded!" Oh, Bittorrent, how little you know of what that means to me. After five days of non-stop (nearly) downloading action, you have finished with your 700 megabyte download and have left me happy. I will surely use you again, oh loyal but barely above functionally retarded tool. How our relationship is one of both love and hate, adoration and incessant pounding on the keyboard in vain. How I hate your 4 k/s constant, barely ever rising above 10 per second. You struggle, but SUCK. Sorry. But it is true. A 6:1 upload:download ratio is really awful.
The final entry. It is over. After 20+ posts made this very day, it is over. And in the meantime, my mom's watching the Mighty Ducks in the background. I think that it means a lot that it took me three tries to type "Ducks". Maybe I swear too much. Kenan from "Kenan and Kel" is on TV, which is amazing, and remember that "Pete and Pete" show? Old school Nickelodeon was the best. Angry Beavers, *good* All That… good stuff. Oh well. I am really craving strawberries, and I think that we have some in the fridge. Farewell, you.
The Tip Jar