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07/01 Direct Link
The silver tray reflected the tips of fingers meticulously peeling and shedding layers, with seeds bouncing off like hailstones and careening all over the carpet. The slight "chink" sound resonated with the light tapping of the pipe on the ashtray, and with much purpose the devil's weed, the killer of people, the gateway drug, insert your government lie here, was loaded, on deck if you will, and ready to numb my senses to the harsh reality and terrible acts I see committed everyday. Escapism? Of course it is, so find your own outlet, I say. Your harshing my buzz, dude.
07/02 Direct Link
It has been well over six years since I have had what I would even call a girlfriend. I usually don't think about this much, but as I have been getting into shape from work, I am worried that soon again I will have to go through this hassle. I call it a hassle because my track record of women reads like a Poe novel. One stalker who chased me all over Hell's half acre for 5 years, one total bitch who loved to fuck all my friends behind my back, one who loved to lie constantly, I'll stop now…
07/03 Direct Link
I hate drunken late night hookups; they leave you feeling weird the next day. Sloppy, bad sex with someone who you deep down can't really stand but know you can bed, and the next day you try and think of ways to avoid that person until sufficient time has passed so that the awkwardness is gone. Not to say I never have these, because without them I'd be a monk, no shit. But there has to be something more fulfilling than nailing some skank and trying to avoid each other until the next 1:15 am "What are you doing?" call.
07/04 Direct Link
Against a crystal wall, floating in a incandescent void of space listening to the repeated sounds of laughter emanating from an unknown and seemingly unidirectional source. I cower and feel alone…scared…wanting to be home again. That old home of childhood where you could hide in the toy closet all day with your imagination and meet so many people you created with your mind. None were ever perfect, but their flaws enhanced them rather than making them seem unsavory. I have known thousands in my time, but these days they are all real, not imagined. What can I say? I'm dreaming…
07/05 Direct Link
I have never met anybody online, which seems odd considering I've been online since 1995. That is, until I met a fellow contributor recently. She seems to be very similar to me in my unhappiness with life, trying to find a place, job, direction, etc. It's good to know people, even if they are thousands of miles away, who share your views and can relate to you. I have been wondering, though, that if she had not contacted me would I still be in my cocoon of solitude? It's not that I am not social, I just keep my distance…
07/06 Direct Link
It was like a tropical depression, as I watched the rains fall for a week. Sort of like being in Beaumont again, but the land here can't take it. The Guadalupe ran crazy, sweeping away homes and businesses. I saw a propane tank floating down the river self-propelled by the gas spewing out the side. Roads disappeared, people had to be rescued from their cars in low water crossings, and Canyon Lake Dam actually overflowed for the first time ever. This is the worst I've ever seen, and I've been through hurricanes. The weather of the earth is in flux…
07/07 Direct Link
Nothing much, you know, just an 11-hour day, hey, it felt pretty good. What, tab out, not yet, but thanks for the beers. Don't get snotty with me, bitch, I'm sorry I'm not ready to leave yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah and the horse you road in on. (Later) "I would appreciate you not being an asshole to my day people" Fuck off, Matt, you don't even want to hear me out about the whole thing and you talked to her and some others that were there but know nothing. You're a fucking prick, which explains your high employee turnover, bastard…
07/08 Direct Link
So I guess the gig was okay, but I really wanted to se her. She showed up, and we chatted for a few minutes but I was busy with the show. I am such a pussy. I should have taken charge a little more and made it a point to talk with her. I hate myself in these situations. Why do I feel so worried? I know that all I have to do is get with it. Am I scared of women? I don't think so, but yet I hesitate to "go for it", so to speak. I am hopeless…
07/09 Direct Link
Yes, that's correct sir, I am the skinhead-looking bald white guy in the Public Enemy "It Will Take a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back…" shirt, sporting "Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitudes" on the back. So fucking what? Do I have to be a racist biker asshole because I shave my head? Hey, I'm just starting to go bald and it looks better to me, so I shave it. Is it because I have on a Public Enemy shirt? They fucking kick ass and have better things to say than most music these days. Stereotypes…
07/10 Direct Link
The soundman was pissed when we showed up. "You guys don't look like Rebecca's Creek, " he had said, obviously aggravated that he was not in the loop. We explained the double booking at Riley's and how they were good guys who were letting us take an hour of their show. "Well, if Junior (our bass player and my good friend for the last 10 years) wasn't in your band, I'd tell you guys to fuck off." Fair enough. After the hour, he was a completely different person. "You guys fucking rocked!" he gushed, "ya'll were fucking great, man!" Yup…
07/11 Direct Link
I imagine it is a lot like being in the amniotic sac. I strap on my snorkel and mask, put in some ear plugs, and go floating down the San Marcos river watching the fish and grasses do delicate dances to the beat of the current, moving in unison as each current saunters by. I can hear absolutely nothing but my own breathing, and I keep it measured and slow, aware of it constantly. The gentle flow keeps me going downstream, and all I have to do is direct myself with my arms and legs. This is my mental therapy…
07/12 Direct Link
Some days my words come so fast I have to stop halfway through a thought and realize I'm at 125 words and I have to start over, culling down my overflow of ideas. Other days, it is hard to write 10 words because I'm preoccupied with some trivial nuisance that I can't let go. My life is a mess, and I can't seem to get it under control for more than 6 months without slipping back into old, lonely habits and seeking solitude in my small apartment, away from the looks and comments of others. I speak MY truth, seemingly…
07/13 Direct Link
Private individuals control the world's money. This means it crosses all national boundaries, especially if you own the bank. You make money off of people's debt and misfortunes, wars, natural disasters, you name it. They are always making money regardless of what happens to the economy, the fake economy. With all the floods that just destroyed a billion dollars worth of fucking homes here, the government has promised loans to those who need to rebuild. Thanks a fucking lot, making money off my misfortunes through interest on another loan. Our president is a fucking piece of shit crook…
07/14 Direct Link
I awake with the depression gained through a night of too much drinking. Was hit on by a 40+ woman last night. Creepy. We played, the other band played, we drank. It's a personal demon, as you well know. Another morning of irritation and annoyances that would not bother me otherwise. Usually I just read a book until the sickness leaves me. Today I will write, and try to reason it out because I have another show to play tonight and I want it to go well. I need to stand in the shower for a while…. cleanse my thoughts…
07/15 Direct Link
One of these mornings I'm liable to wake up to a Lubyanka breakfast, when the government gets hold of the things I've been writing about them. The truth about them. We are losing our freedoms in the good old U.S.A., but few are crying out against these losses. Soon freethinkers and non-nationalists like myself will be arrested and shot as "terrorist threats", and our fates and writings taken away from the world like many before. Demidov… Florensky… Babel… Pilnyak… Bulgakov… But the difference is now the names will be more familiar and easier for Americans to pronounce. Smith… Jones… Thompson…
07/16 Direct Link
I can't believe that Bush and Cheney are calling for corporations to change business practices. They are corporate shills themselves and have been involved in several questionable stock maneuvers. They are hypocritical liars who will do anything to keep their lofty power positions. The market is crashing; we're losing our rights as guaranteed by our constitution, and this all in the name of making us safer. The One-World government that "they" (CFR, Bilderburgers, etc) want is coming and now I wonder if one day I will be siding with terrorists who now I fear. We must stop this Evil Empire…
07/17 Direct Link
Is the collective unconsciousness of the masses adversely affecting the course of human civilisation? Does what we all think is going to happen manifest itself into reality through some higher state actualization that science has yet to uncover. Many things science fiction came up with became reality. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe… I am a nut, and I know I've written as much many times before, but there just might be something to all of this. Concentrations of negative energy about given subjects making reality out of fantasy with everyone none the wiser that they brought about such realities with their feelings…
07/18 Direct Link
Job market at a 12-year low. Everyone is losing their fucking ass in the market. People are paranoid about everything; suspicious vehicles, mail, other people, those of us that try to be individuals and not automatons. This country has survived longer than any other without a major revolution or change, but I fear that something is on the horizon. You can feel it in people my age that are not satisfied and looking for something more than buying shit to try and make themselves happy. We want something spiritual and meaningful that is not available at Wal-Mart or Sears… Enlightenment…
07/19 Direct Link
I walked into the lobby of the Four Seasons in downtown Houston, leaving my car with the valet, sporting a bald head, mean-looking sunglasses, and a Public Enemy T-shirt. It was fucking hilarious… I was putting on a front, true, but I wanted to see the reactions of the employees and guests who no doubt were thinking "What the fuck is this guy doing in HERE?" Room, mini-bar, valet, all paid for. Came back down into the lobby in a suit, looking sharp, and again caught stares. Was that the same guy? Off to Brennan's for a night of lies…
07/20 Direct Link
As the sun goes down, the sky emanates a wonderfully rich palette of colours, the clouds filling with life as the sun breaks towards the west coast on its regular journey around the earth… Another lonely day. I am again sad with the bleak nature of my existence… alone with thoughts… feeling trapped in my dark prison of a mind. Sometimes I hate my brain. I think my synapses misfire or the wiring is off. Nobody could be this tortured and still be among the living… I am not among the living… I dwell in a netherworld of personal purgatory…
07/21 Direct Link
She lied. She does want to play games. I'm too fucking old for that shit. Twenty-seven years I've lived, never been arrested, never been in trouble, but I have to put up with this, I don't think so. She came to the show again, but tonight with some dipshit that made my skin crawl. She couldn't have been serious, could she? I guess, and now I am back to square one. I am depressed, I really had taken a liking to this girl, but she is yet another in a long line of disappointments. I've had too many. I'm miserable…
07/22 Direct Link
Reading an issue of Time magazine is insulting to your intelligence. Stories about political positioning among the parties, features on terrorism, and then stories about new law enforcement weapons designed to incapacitate and not kill. Did all you boys and girls follow that subtle theme? The government is going to make sure we are all safe from ourselves and step up surveillance and intervention. I only have one question. Who is going to protect us from them as they seize the power of Caesar and rule not with an iron fist, but with that all Seeing Eye from our dollar?
07/23 Direct Link
So you sat there, for like ten minutes, right? Hitting random hoping to see your work in print… Me too… It's great, isn't'tit' y'all? Y'all ‘cause I'm from Texas and shit… So anyway, I think it's great to be able to see something you have put your time and effort into available for people to see… You dig? I am proud to be a part of a forum of exchange such as this. The World over, we can share thoughts of this modern world, no matter how self-indulgent… A release… insight…feelings… true expression of human thought not edited… Freedom personified!!!!!
07/24 Direct Link
Have you been injured in an accident and want to drive up insurance rates, tie up the legal system with frivolous bullshit lawsuits, and send this country further into the American Nightmare? Hello, I'm Joe Fucking-Blow, the tough smart lawyer who will get you the money that you deserve for being a fucking doorknob idiot no common sense having jackoff numbnut. I am a professional ambulance chaser who will get you some small settlement while I go buy another goddamn sports car. I am a professional shyster money hungry asshole who can grease the wheels of the legal system………. TRUTH!
07/25 Direct Link
I can hear the notes in my head; I can feel the pulse, the rhythm of the One… Polyrhythmic beats syncopate the song, and if the others don't freak out, this will tie up neatly in three measures… two measures… one more to go… the drugs keep me from deviating from my chosen fill… gotta stay locked up tight… I can hear the guitar wailing… the flute dancing around the pulse… the best times in my life are occurring at this very moment… every week I can fulfill this need, this necessary change in the way I perceive my surroundings…
07/26 Direct Link
Staring me down with an intense glare, letting me in on its little secret that like a drug one can be addicted to thought, and that sometimes that is not always a good thing. I am preoccupied while paying complete attention. I don't seem to know why my mind is often other places, but I seem to wander. People tell me "There's medication for that, you probably have ADD" or ADHD or whatever the latest drug prescribing craze happens to be at the moment… Why would anyone feel there is something wrong with looking around and thinking something IS wrong?
07/27 Direct Link
These guys had to be the dumbest douche-bags to which I have ever had the pleasure of listening. "Ever had tuna steak?" "Like tuna fish?" "No, like a steak, but tuna." I could go on but it only goes downhill from here if you can imagine that. This guy's apartment cost $1,000 a month, and his furniture was all expensive shit that had been completely abused and fucked up. When we moved the couch, we found a bag of herb and an old chicken bone. What a spoiled, ungrateful bastard. He was a cocky shit, too. Move your own shit…
07/28 Direct Link
"Somewhere along the line, I just forgot all the good things, that's what happened, you know… I just forgot…" Jack Klugman said that in one of the greatest episodes of Twilight Zone I've ever seen. Watching those old episodes now makes me realize how low they aim with some of the shows they put on television these days. I guess our American education system has been turning out dim bulbs for years and they realize that they have to sell something to the new masses. I guess that explains some of the idiotic shows I've come across on the tube…
07/29 Direct Link
Off the top, no slowing of the topics that surround the brain with clouds of uncertain thoughts about coming events and what have you. I can hear my neighbor's alarm clock through the wall, and he is not home to shut it off. The beeping is unbearable, and I have to blast music to drown out the incessant, infernal noise that volleys with my sanity with each fucking "beep". I scratch my head, stretch out the back. Have to keep my insanity in check, and not let it seep into my reality or they'll put me in the booby hatch…
07/30 Direct Link
Church on television is such a strange concept. I love watching it for the laugh factor, although it's not like I have anything against organized religion per se. I gave up on the Lutheran Church a long time ago. Christians can be so hypocritical, talking the talk but not walking the walk. The elders at my church growing up used to be so judgmental about what everyone wore on Sunday. Hey, fuckface, be glad they're here for God and don't be so materialistic. Who cares if they look like homeless people, they ARE, and you should show some bloody compassion.
07/31 Direct Link
I am mad wandering drinking, thinking, wild freeform is sinking, blinking… sunlight in the eyes, the lies, realize… cause and effect political action on the rise, if you do it, just be it and don't let nobody say shit creating concepts deep, light on sleep hitting ‘em and splitting quitting ‘ em cause I'm spitting ‘em… you're outta the loop, time to recoup, you been duped, riot squad deployed into the void for those that are annoyed, spiritual thoughts get you destroyed, and if you think that's wrong then we can get bored… cash in you chips, your style… shit.