REPORT A PROBLEM
How many people "do" New Years Eve at home anymore? Daddy wanted us there and he holds all the money, so Alfred, the kids, and I went and humored him. He does own that fabulous townhouse on East 72nd, which will be all mine someday. Poopsy and Mopsy wanted to be out with their friends, and were quite put out when Father insisted we wear horrendous masks until midnight. I quite got used to mine and after awhile we all decided to wear them forever. When Daddy expired at midnight, we all did a little jig. What fun we had!
I was riding in a plane with my husband and he was totally driving me crazy, ok? So I said, like, take an Ambien and let me get back to Princess Daisy. So he takes the pill or whatever – and I'm right in the middle of like, the best part of the book and he's all "Look, there's some abominable snowman guy on the wing of the plane." So, I'm like, "that is so like, so ridiculous. Chill, dude." So then he starts freaking out and everyone can hear him and shit. So I'm like, "look, just take another pill."
I don't know when it started. Maybe when Aunt Amy wouldn't shut up with her bad singing. I don't like music. And I especially don't like Perry Como. When I hear that stuff, my eyes bug out and I get in a real bad mood. Like when the neighborhood kids come over and their dog starts barking when I'm trying to make another three-headed animal. I get awful mad. So I wish them to the cornfield. Everybody's always telling me how good I am. It must be true because after this I get a better job on Lost In Space.
The bus stalled out in this quaint hamlet and so we take refuge in the local diner. I sit alone, drinking coffee, away from that floozie whose been eyeing me. Everyone starts accusing everyone else of non-payment of the fare but when the bus gets fixed, we traipse back on it. Everyone is suspicious. The bridge gives out, killing everyone but me. I head back to the diner and light myself a cigarette, take off my coat and sip coffee. Three hands make it so much easier to do this. Everything's cool until the Martian shows me his third eye.
Girl, I just about had the best week of my life! I got my hair and my nails did and got my groove on with Tyrell ‘bout every night. Damn, I feel like I haven't done this in a year! Guess I've been working too hard, so hard, that I can't even remember what I do! I work in a store, but I don't think I do much except stand on my feets all day! Too bad my vacation is over. Back to work. Funny that nobody ain't here. I guess I'll just stand in the corner for another year.
The little girl seems nice enough but I don't care for Telly Savalas at all. Who loves ya, baby? Right. He never said that to me. No, he tried to cut my head off and when his lame-ass couldn't do that he put me in a trashbag and tied it off with rope. Luckily for me, the little girl screamed her lungs out and his wife made him go get me. I fixed him good though and I'll get the lady too. She plays "What's Love Got to Do with It" way too much. Shut up already. "I'M talking, Tina."
Nobody seems interested in me at work. I work in customer service at the bank, as a teller. It's a fine job and I don't mind it much. At the end of the day, I look forward to returning home. But the minute I come through the door, my wife is constantly talking to me, nagging me like nobody's business. Quiet, I want quiet! Is that so much to ask? It was so nice when the nuclear war happened. I'm not embarrassed to say that I didn't miss people. At least I had silence and time to read my books.
Mommy and Daddy fight so much that a lot of time my brother and me jump in our swimming pool to get away from them. One time we dove so far that we came out and were in another world. We came up through a lake, where a kid was there waiting for us. He took us to this nice lady's house for cookies. When it was time to go home, we didn't want to, but we did. Our parents didn't believe us when we told them what happened, so we ran back into the pool and never came back.
My legs and arms seem to be growing too fast and my teeth are starting to stick out. Dad loves me lots and says I look beautiful. But Mom keeps bugging me to go into the machine-thing. But there are only four types of girls and I don't really like any of their looks! Plus they seem real dumb to me. Mom says it's better not to have opinions; that they make me ugly. Then she starts n with the girl-machine again. I'll never forgive her for pushing me in. Then again, I won't remember any of this soon enough.
The thing about taking a trip with only two other astronauts is that someone is bound to crack. Like, the time we crash-landed in the desert is a perfect example. There was no sign of life, only rocks and arid air and relentless sun. We walked for days, with our water ration steadily decreasing. I was shocked when my compatriot killed the other one. Talk about unprofessional behavior. I just kept quiet and made a run for the highway as soon as I could. Boy did I feel stupid when I was realized we were in Arizona the whole time!
The most annoying thing in the world is having little people living under your bed. It's hard enough for me trying to keep it dust free; those little dust bunnies seem to be everywhere. But little people free? That's a whole other thing. Frankly, I'm up in arms about it. They move, scatter and some try to talk back or kill you! Well, I finally had to call Agnes Moorehead and ask her how she got rid of hers. After a lot of crying and yelling and hand-wringing, she finally admitted to me that they're still there. So are mine.
Being all-alone on a planet is tough. But as the Baretta theme song goes: "If you can't do the time, then don't do the crime." I never had visitors except someone from the prison that came every few years. Once he brought a package -- an electronic woman made to keep me company. She felt so real and could even cook! We become "special friends" and when it came time for me to be released back into society, I couldn't bring her with me. Instead she was dismantled. I cried a lot but found one almost exactly like her on-line.
The kids always teased me about my silky blond hair, my button-nose and clear wide-set eyes. I felt so ugly! So as soon as I could afford it, I saw a plastic-surgeon. "Make me look normal. Like a duck pig," I said. "We'll do the best we can," the nurse said. She was so lovely, her snout was pronounced and her eyes extra droopy. Oh, to be that beautiful! Unfortunately the many operations didn't work so they carted me off to Earth. Here, I became a very rich and successful actress. You may also know me from the thigh-master commercials.
It's so bloody hot in here. I can't take it. My mother, she likes it warm -- but it's too warm. I think I have a fever and I may be hallucinating. Even my landscape painting seems to be melting away. Drinking all this water is making me so bloated. Damn, I wanted to wear my tight black pants tonight! That is, if I ever get out of this hothouse. Maybe I'll lie down for awhile. Yes, that's much better. But wait. Now I'm freezing. It's like the ice age in here! What gives? And what is with that voiceover guy?
It happened again today. You know, that spot in the wall that leads into the next dimension? It's getting to be a real pain in the arse. First, the dog fell in. Then I had to follow him in there to get him out – which was near impossible. When Pop finally came in and yanked us out, I vowed to never stand near that darn wall again. Ugh. It's just that the kids always want to go inside, so I always relent. It's kinda cool and I'm guessing that when I do my first acid trip, it'll even be better!
He's everywhere I turn -- this little guy in the black suit and blank face. He's stalking me. And the only way I figure I can lose him is by getting in my car and driving furiously out of town into abandoned fields. It's weird how he keeps showing up, trying to hitch a ride with me. How annoying! I mean, really. So I was just sitting in the middle of nowhere, and all of a sudden he pops up right in the backseat of my car. "You have toilet paper on your shoe," he points out. Then he leaves.
Mom got me a cookbook. I must admit I don't know much about cookery or the skill of chopping, grating or pureeing. But I need to learn how to make meats exciting, casseroles zing and desserts that make my man's mouth water for more! The book itself is quite large and written in another language, but if I look at the pictures I can figure most of it out. Oh, the lavish meals I shall serve! I have just about everything except for the human-meat. That's easily remedied – our friend Keck is a good sport. I bet he tastes delicious!
Our new neighbors are really nifty. They're three young guys, groovy and handsome, with far-out motorcycles that they ride real late at night. Mom and Pop think that I should stay away from them because they wear leather jackets and tight pants, but yowza, that's exactly why I like them! One of them, Falcon, likes me too, I think. That is, he always watches me undress at nighttime, which I think is real sweet. We've kissed, I'll tell you that. And even though he tells me he and his friends are aliens, I don't care. They have such cute asses!
We got so drunk last night at the Hendersons that when I woke up today all dressed and on top of bed, I didn't have any idea how I got this way. Fred there too was in his twin bed, which was queer, because we don't have twin beds. Must've been those damned daiquiris. It was quiet in the house and so Fred went outside, but there wasn't a soul on the street. When we tried to go leave the room, that's when we saw the big eyes. Then the little girl's hands grabbed us and started moving us about.
It's not what you think. I just have a very vivid imagination. And once I start imagining someone, poof, they appear! Like, this morning. I started to think of a handsome servant-man with a cool drink. My husband saw this apparition come to life and freaked out. He thought that I was cheating on him. I argued my point until I was left with no choice. I concentrated hard, remembering when I first conjured him. As he started to fade out of sight, I got sad. Then I remembered the man with the cold drink. I sure could use it.
Grandma came to take care of us when I was about six years old. I had never seen her before and was quite wary of her. However, over time I grew to love her as much as she loved all of us. She was always there with a freshly baked cookie, a handkerchief or a shiny new puppy. As I grew up and got older, I noticed that Granny didn't age at all, although her motor skills and speech patterns seemed to get stuck.
"Does Granny have Alzheimer's," I asked.
"No, she's a robot. I thought you knew," said Daddy.
Sixty years ago I did a bank job. It was a hot job and I was even hotter. So I had to cool off, see. You call it cryogenics, but it was a deep-freeze. I defrosted today in the back of Legs' storefront, in the industrial part of town near Broome Street. I stumbled into what looked like an art gallery and pretended to be a customer. Some skinny dame asked me if I wanted to buy something. "Sure, I got a million dollars," I cracked. "Oh, " she said, "I think we have one piece on sale for that.
I went to visit a sick friend in the hospital today. She's a performer and was in there for "exhaustion." Anyway, sitting in her room and listening to her talk about her ex-husband kind of bummed me out, so I took a little walk in the corridor. I've always wanted to walk through those doors that were marked Personnel Only. I found myself right in front of Room 22, which was the morgue.
"Room for one more, Honey," said the creepy nurse.
"Oh no, you did NOT, " I said, wringing my neck out, getting all ghetto on her ass.
On People's Court today, the honorable Judge Marilyn Milian had a very interesting case. Agnes Moorehead was trying to sue some spacemen who had entered her house through the attic.
"They wore down my knives and I broke my axe trying to chase them, " she said.
Judge Milian asked her for a bill of the damages and then spoke to the spacemen directly. "What gives?" she asked. They looked dumbstruck. Then they took out their rayguns.
"See?" said Agnes Moorhead. "They're incorrigible!"
Judge Milian not only ruled in Agnes Moorhead's favor, but she also reduced the spacemen to tears.
I don't take advantage of all the glorious art available here in New York City. So today I ventured to the Metropolitan Museum to see their exhibit entitled "American Family." It had gotten some "buzz" and so I entered with great excitement. However, as I neared the space, I noticed a foul smell. The installation reeked of dog and nail polish. Then I heard Ozzy.
"Get back here you little fucker!"
Seems that Jack attempted to break through the plexiglass to get one of his escaped dogs. Cool, I thought although perhaps The Osbournes are pushing it just a little.
I was late for my train and so I waited in the station for the next one. I was the only one there and that seemed slightly ominous. It was so quiet. I left my luggage by the bench and when I returned it had moved. I inquired at the ticket-booth as to what track my train would be on, and the guy told me to stop bugging him already. I didn't get his whole attitude, but then I caught glimpses of my various selves in the nearby mirror and figured it out. Parallel time is such a drag sometimes.
I remember well that night our neighbors were over playing cards, mom was making lemonade and chocolate cake and I was wishing I were out on a date with that hottie Todd. Dad had been acting super freaked out all day and when he came home he started using words like "nuclear warfare." It was scaring me a bit so I asked what was going on.
"We leave tonight for another place where we should be safer," he said.
Damn, I thought. I'd have to go change schools AGAIN. I sighed. "So where are we going, Dad?"
"Earth," he groaned.
Once upon a time there was a little boy who found an old bottle. He had no toys or friends to play with because he was stupid and didn't share with others. He was quite excited to find this treasure but as he vigorously skipped home, he tripped and broke it. He cried until a genie appeared and said that he would grant the boy three wishes. "I want to be in complete control, I want to own everything and I don't want anyone to vote me out of power." Shazam! The wish was granted. The boy's name? George Bush.
Imagine my surprise when this morning I sat at my desk in my pajamas no less and saw that a film crew was shooting me. "Make the phone call NOW, " someone said. Then somebody else said CUT and people started coming out of the woodwork.
"Gussie, loosen up," the man said to me."
I'm not Gussie," I said, " I'm Barbara."
"You want to stay in character? At least say the right lines," the man said.
"What's happening?" I shouted.
"You wanna lose this contract?" he said.
I figured I didn't, so they're filming me while I type this.
Went to Jaina's house today. They have servants that do everything for them. Zelda is a little creepy and is always massaging Jaina's mom. I don't ask…. Anyway. Jaina had a fight with her parents when she found out that her dad built all of their servants from scrap metal.
"If they stay, I go," she declared angrily.
So her dad got rid of everyone, even Zelda. I stopped over there today to see how Jaina was doing and I walked right in on Jaina giving her mother a massage. I said "hiya" but she didn't seem to know me.
Took a train to Willoughby. The place was super old-fashioned blecch corny-corn. I actually saw someone workin' a butter churn! I told D. about it and he said that Willoughby doesn't exist. So I got pissed and made him go back with me. It was strange when the conductor said that there wasn't such a place either. Say what? I got freaked out so I went between the cars to cold-chill but I tripped and mangled myself pretty good. When the ambulance came, I saw that the EMT worker's nametag said Willoughby.
Reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode.
The Tip Jar